seanocasey Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 My wife of 17 years had an affair this year and I found out 8 weeks ago. My world has absolutely crumbled. I love my wife, even knowing that she broke our bond. She asked me to move out to give her space. I obliged, but am left feeling terrible about the distance that separation has caused. We also have two young children effected by the separation. I am able to see them when I want. I guess I am posting this thread looking for advice. We are in counseling, she says that she wants to "try" and work things out. I have moved beyond the trying stage and am in the re-committing stage. I do recognize that I bare some responsibility for her affair. I don't know if I am more hurt by the affair or how she has treated me since finding out. With me out of the picture and taking the kids most weekends, she goes out all the time. I wish that she would work as hard on saving our marriage as her social life. Do I confront her this or let things go slowly through the marriage counseling process?
phineas Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I was where you were. two things. 1. SHE IS STILL CHEATING! 2. YOU DID NOT MAKE HER SLEEP WITH ANOTHER MAN. She could of talked to you, left you, ect. It's not your fault. It will take time, but you will soon realize that. Also, you cannot work on a marriage if you are not living like you are married. If your marriage councelor doesn't tell you this then i think you have a problem. Someone who wants to be married doesn't move out. I'm getting a divorce because when I caught my wife cheating she moved out. Then said she just needed space & wanted to work on the marriage & go to marriage counceling. She was still sleeping with OM. Actions speak louder than words.
someotherguy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 That sucks, and I understand how it feels. That being said, it's hard to work on a marriage when you're not living there. I don't think it will work. And NO - you are not responsible for her having an affair, unless you drove her to his house and forced them have sex. Also, she's cheating on you, make her move out, not you. Why should she get to have sex with the other guy in your house? Boot her ass into the street. And...if you are seriously this conflicted about whether counseling will work, it most likely will not. You have to be 110% convinced counseling will work, and your spouse has to be as well. Half assing it by either party will not produce positive results.
2sunny Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 she's not spending her time and energy to repair the marriage? that indicates she's clearly not interested in even trying. i'm certain all her energy and interest lies with her OM. stop making this easy on her. file divorce papers and see how she responds to the mess she created. it is reality... she may as well face what she should own.
carhill Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Move back into the family home. If someone is to abandon the family, it should be her, don't you think? Also, this generally helps with custody. You don't have to ask permission. It's your home. Glad to see you're home from a well-deserved vacation from her infidelity
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 My wife of 17 years had an affair this year and I found out 8 weeks ago. My world has absolutely crumbled. I love my wife, even knowing that she broke our bond. She asked me to move out to give her space. I obliged, but am left feeling terrible about the distance that separation has caused. We also have two young children effected by the separation. I am able to see them when I want. I guess I am posting this thread looking for advice. We are in counseling, she says that she wants to "try" and work things out. I have moved beyond the trying stage and am in the re-committing stage. I do recognize that I bare some responsibility for her affair. I don't know if I am more hurt by the affair or how she has treated me since finding out. With me out of the picture and taking the kids most weekends, she goes out all the time. I wish that she would work as hard on saving our marriage as her social life. Do I confront her this or let things go slowly through the marriage counseling process? sean - Dude, 1st of all I am so sorry you're going thru this. My heart goes out to you. I am in a situation similar to yours, BUT I did not leave the home. She did. You must reclaim your home. Sleep in your bed. Eat at your table. It will lessen the heartache and despair but you will feel more dignity. If she wanted to save the M she would be living with you instead of carrying on the A with the OM. 1. SHE IS STILL CHEATING! 2. YOU DID NOT MAKE HER SLEEP WITH ANOTHER MAN. Someone who wants to be married doesn't move out. She was still sleeping with OM. All true words above! Move back into the family home. If someone is to abandon the family, it should be her, don't you think? Also, this generally helps with custody. You don't have to ask permission. It's your home. Glad to see you're home from a well-deserved vacation from her infidelity Go Home Sean. I say you should give her an ultimatum to start working on the M 110% - if she won't then start the D process. Good Luck. PEACE!
dazedandconfused2008 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I have to agree with everyone. The only person responsible for her cheating is your wife. No one can control or make anyone do anything...unless your God...and i dont believe God would take that responsibility...hence we wouldnt have been given the gift of free will. When there is a problem...HOW we CHOOSE to deal with it makes all the difference in the world. SHE wasnt happy...blah blah blah...whatever HER reasons were...a person with good values would not go out of a marriage to solve problems and betray spouse and hurt family..etc. There is no "trying"....its either do or don't. What she is doing to you is unfair and selfish on her part. Why is SHE calling the shots? She betrayed you and is forcing you to suffer while you wait in "limbo". Limbo is where our self esteem takes the beating of a lifetime...because we try to please..beg...cry...bargain...plead...etc to get them back...to make them see the errors of their ways...etc. It doesnt work...and if it does...not the way that makes us feel good about ourselves. The ball is in your court. Not hers anymore. She made that choice to do what she did. That is her responsibility to take...she needs to do the work to making the marriage work. As for you...its up to you if you want to accept it then. What i am reading here is that she is making no real effort to do what it takes. She is taking her time and wanting space to figure out what SHE wants? What about what YOU want? She is still in her cycle of distraction and is in no way in a hurry to get out. Hence...your in limbo hell....i call it the merry go round. But you do have a choice to stay on....waiting...hoping...or jump the hell off and let her go in circles and you make things better for you and your kids. No matter which way you go....it hurts...but when your not going in circles...you can start to see things a lot clearer and see how much open space there really is out there...beyond the circle.
mark982 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 sean, you didn't drive her to cheat. pack your bags up and say "honey i'm home".
dgiirl Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Move back into the family home. If someone is to abandon the family, it should be her, don't you think? Also, this generally helps with custody. You don't have to ask permission. It's your home. Glad to see you're home from a well-deserved vacation from her infidelity Excellent advice! Although it will be tough living under the same roof, Get back into your home now! Unless you dont want primary custody.
ann09 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) Ok so he moves back home and throws her out. Then who takes care of the kids? Should he quit his job? Does she take the kids with her? So they're out of the home where they were once safe? So yeah, move back home with your tail between your legs and throw her out and ruin your young childrens lives. Great advice from a lot of bitter men in here. Edited November 13, 2009 by ann09
dgiirl Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Why is it acceptable for a woman to remain in the home but not the man? Isnt that sexist? What does his job have anything to do with this? So you believe a man cannot be the primary custodian because he has a job? Do you believe that a woman should not work if she has children? Do you believe a woman who wants a divorce should NOT have a job and support herself? Do you believe a man should support a woman who has children and wants a divorce? That man should support her rent, her food, her clothing, AND she should remain the primary custodian? Why cant he be the primary custodian? Why cant HE stay at home? Why cant SHE support him and let him stay home and raise the kids? Great advice from a lot of bitter men in ere. Just because you are having an affair on your husband does not give you the right to attack the men on here. I think your advice is sexist and self serving. A man who wants primary custody needs to be an active father. He needs to be taking care of the day to day activities of raising a child and he cannot do that if he is not living in the home with his children. Courts will favor the parent who is currently acting that role. If he wants it, he needs to set some history that he has and will continue to fill that role.
boldjack Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Dude, man-up and take control. You are acting like a doormat. She cheated, she wanted space, and nothing you did caused her to screw another guy. Move back into the house, refuse to allow her to take the kids, and if she wants out, show her the door. Have you no pride or self-respect?
hopesndreams Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Ok so he moves back home and throws her out. Then who takes care of the kids? Should he quit his job? Does she take the kids with her? So they're out of the home where they were once safe? So yeah, move back home with your tail between your legs and throw her out and ruin your young childrens lives. Great advice from a lot of bitter men in here. Being male or female has absolutely nothing to do with it. The one who commits adultery, the one who wants out of the M, the one that gives up is the one that leaves, be it male, female, no matter. Period. Direct your H here Ann, when you drop the bomb, when you confess to having an A, so we can help steer his way and help him crawl out of the stinking pit of despair you will be throwing him into.
JaneDoe35 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Ok so he moves back home and throws her out. Then who takes care of the kids? Should he quit his job? Does she take the kids with her? So they're out of the home where they were once safe? So yeah, move back home with your tail between your legs and throw her out and ruin your young childrens lives. Great advice from a lot of bitter men in here. I don't think anyone suggested he move back home & throw her out..unless I missed something. I believe he was advised to move back into his home. If she chooses to leave after he does that, well so be it.
lkjh Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Move back into your house and do not chase her. Serve her with a divorce
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Move back home ASAP!!!! If you finds another man's clothes, have her served. She's using the seperation either to make a choice or continue the affair. So you move back home, tuff it out and if she wants to leave let her go, without the kids.
Spoiled Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 There is a possibility she really needs space and is not continuing the A. BUT, if I wanted space after my A, I would have left the house, not my H. And I offered to leave 2-3 times but my H requested I stay. Leave because I was not ready to give 100% to my M, I was full of anger and resentment. And did not feel it was fair to be in OUR home with that attitude. What is your MC saying about you leaving?
carhill Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Ok so he moves back home and throws her out. Then who takes care of the kids? Should he quit his job? Does she take the kids with her? So they're out of the home where they were once safe? So yeah, move back home with your tail between your legs and throw her out and ruin your young childrens lives. Great advice from a lot of bitter men in here. Ann, I'm a xMM and I bought my W a new house as part of our settlement to remain in my home which I owned before we were married. I'm not bitter and am not taking sides, rather seeing what I believe to be in the best interests of the children, having the faithful spouse remain in the family home parenting the children. In this case, that's the father. In other cases, it's the mother. As I see it, and as I did, the wayward spouse abrogated their commitment to the family when entering into an affair. That's a choice with consequences. I think Sean moving home and resuming parenting (of course with help, like day care or a nanny) is only fair to him as he commited no wrongs here. His W can choose to remain and work on their M, remain and do nothing, or leave. Her choice. The key is acceptance. Sean must accept the current dynamic and the reality that his life and family will never be the same again. He cannot control his W, merely himself. I hope he can come home peacefully and work out an amicable arrangement with his W, for the sake of all their health and the good of the children.
ann09 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I return to this thread this morning and reread what I wrote yesterday. I am not sure who I am anymore. I read what I wrote, and your replies and am confusing the hell out of myself. I apologize for the "bitter men" remark. I'm on the defense in here. At times the truth really does hurt. I agree that it isn't fair to think she should stay and get everything when she is the one that had the affair. I guess I put myself in her position (the very wrong position) and thought selfishly. If anything, I am learning a little about myself from coming here. That's gotta be a good thing, right?
ann09 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Ann, I'm a xMM and I bought my W a new house as part of our settlement to remain in my home which I owned before we were married. I'm not bitter and am not taking sides, rather seeing what I believe to be in the best interests of the children, having the faithful spouse remain in the family home parenting the children. In this case, that's the father. In other cases, it's the mother. As I see it, and as I did, the wayward spouse abrogated their commitment to the family when entering into an affair. That's a choice with consequences. I think Sean moving home and resuming parenting (of course with help, like day care or a nanny) is only fair to him as he commited no wrongs here. His W can choose to remain and work on their M, remain and do nothing, or leave. Her choice. The key is acceptance. Sean must accept the current dynamic and the reality that his life and family will never be the same again. He cannot control his W, merely himself. I hope he can come home peacefully and work out an amicable arrangement with his W, for the sake of all their health and the good of the children. Ok - I totally see that - but lets say she does try hard but goes to him and tells him she just doesn't want to be married anymore. Lets just say she's a fabulous mother and doesn't want to leave her children. Should she still leave? (not arguing here - just curious for obvious reasons). isn't it possible to divorce and NOT take the man for everything he has? I certainly can't imagine doing that. Isn't it possible they work something out so that the kids can stay in their home with their mother who most typically is the sole care taker? NOW - I am ALL FOR MEN BEING THE SOLE CARE TAKER. I have no clue what the OP's job is. I truly am not sexist. I am just curious and learning. Btw Carhill, thank you for always being somewhat kind to me. I am sure you don't think highly of me but it's nice when you word things somewhat positively.
2.50 a gallon Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I agree the children should not be forced to leave their home. In the troubled times of the parents separating they need the refuge and safety of the home they have grown up in. They come first. When it comes to the parents, I believe it is the spouse that wants out of the marriage that should leave, whether it is the husband or the wife. In your case why should a loving, parent be asked to leave his home because the wife has decided to have an affair? You have already hurt your H immensely, why pile on this hurt by asking him to leave the home that he has worked so hard for?
AH7 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 "Needing Space" translates to I have no intention of giving up my current lover or working on the marriage. By giving her space you have enabled the continuation of her affair. Plain and simple, you need a divorce.
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Great advice from a lot of bitter men in here. Wow. "bitter"? Bitter? - because our spouse broke a vow of faithfulness? Bitter? - because our world as we knew it and as we wanted has been destroyed? Bitter? - because of the pain and che we feel in our heart that we have never felt before? Bitter? - because of the loss of the "love of our life" I think you have the wrong adjective. Your post comes across as bitter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ About your situation --> I do think you should assure you have done everything humanly possible to repair and rebuild your M before you run. You will regret it in the future if you run now because of the OM. PEACE!
dgiirl Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 If anything, I am learning a little about myself from coming here. That's gotta be a good thing, right? I'm glad you realized your comment was uncalled for. It is also good that you're learning things about yourself, and hopefully you can bring those things back to your own marriage/divorce. Being a walkaway, you bring this forum a different perspective which could be good and a lot of us could learn from you. Just try to be more objective when offering advice to others. Don't make generalizations painting all the men, or women, under one brush. It's pretty hurtful to those who are new and heartbroken in this whole mess.
ann09 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I agree the children should not be forced to leave their home. In the troubled times of the parents separating they need the refuge and safety of the home they have grown up in. They come first. When it comes to the parents, I believe it is the spouse that wants out of the marriage that should leave, whether it is the husband or the wife. In your case why should a loving, parent be asked to leave his home because the wife has decided to have an affair? You have already hurt your H immensely, why pile on this hurt by asking him to leave the home that he has worked so hard for? I agree with this - but in my case, my husband works - has a pretty time consuming career. I am not sure how he could ever swing being home with the kids and conforming to their schedules. And in my case - not saying other men are like this - he wouldn't want to do what I have done the past 12 years. He has expressed this to me. He loves our kids but I know he wouldn't want to be here raising them alone. Nor would be pay for a nanny - just all wouldn't make sense.
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