mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 i was reading on another thread about how some BS obsessed over monitoring the cells/texts/emails etc. some of them said they finally had to let it go. i am a married OW. im just trying to make sense of this. my husband has access to all of our bills, my emails, texts etc. im not sure if he ever monitors, he can if he wants but if he does im unaware of it. it seems to me that wouldnt "checking up" on them make it so much harder? to question everything that seems abnormal? go through the pain over and over? i also say this because if for some reason i was still cheating i certainly wouldnt put it out in the open in a place that i knew my spouse was checking. i agree with other posters that if someone wants to cheat they'll find other ways. thats how our affair continued for several years. our emails werent through out home accounts. im just curious, not bashing or anything of the sort. trying to understand. maybe its something you just cant help, maybe it helps to dig and find nothing. it just seems like it could be more torture than help. thanks!
beyondsad Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Wow - I will try to be nice browneyedgirl but as a OW your presence makes my heart hurt. Sorry I am usually a very nice person. I was like your H - I never looked at cell phone bills, texts etc or quetioned who he was talking to at 10pm by the pool. I never thought once it was a OW. The OW sent me a letter telling me to check his phone records (of course she signed it your friend) and all hell broke loose. SOOOOO now I am a bit manic when it comes to checking, and yes he would have to be the biggest dumb ass in the world to do it again. BUT, I won't let it happen again without running interference this time. I thought I knew him all those years and I gave him a second chance but I don't know maybe he is a chronic cheater and can't help it . I will gladly step aside if it happens again and he knows that hopefully. I don't like who I have become, always checking but it is what it is. And if he is doing it again I hope he mans up and tells me and lets me get on with my life. Speaking of pain, your really have no idea, maybe you should tell your H about your A then you could see first hand how bad it really is. ouch
PhoenixRise Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 BEG I think in some ways you are right....the constant checking helps and it hurts. I think that many BS will say that they made it extremely easy for their WS to betray them because they trusted them soooo much. I know before dday, I never looked at the cell phone records or even wondered about his emails. Immediately after dday the constant checking made me feel like at least I knew what was going on in my marriage. BUT it also hurt like hell. To know that it was necessary for me to check and check and check again because my H word was not even close to being enough. Eventually I did have to give up the obsessive checking, but it did take some time though. Frankly BEG, I would be surprised if your H isn't checking up on you.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 beyond - i guess i should have said i am an EXow. all parties involved know. but i was trying to explain that im asking this from the OW perspective, identifying myself so that i wouldnt be confused for a BS. and i was asking as it is a pertinent question regarding the rebuilding of my marriage.
beyondsad Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Sorry BEG- I reread my post and it sounded a bit harsh. We all have our stories thats for sure. The constant checking really is almost obsessive I know but for some reason the reasurance is theraputic to me , maybe because I never thought to check before.
JaneInVegas Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I am in the camp of Having A Hard Time Letting It Go. I can't speak for other people, but it's something that just *eats* on me, won't leave me any peace. I suppose if nothing turns up after a certain amount of time (3 or 4 months, maybe?) then I'll finally be able to put it to rest. It's not really a choice, it's an entity within, and it makes decisions for you. Once bitten twice shy. And I *totally* admire you for sharing your insight on this board, I'm sure it's really hard for you at times to be as honest as you have been.
foreal Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 it seems to me that wouldnt "checking up" on them make it so much harder? to question everything that seems abnormal? go through the pain over and over? im just curious, not bashing or anything of the sort. trying to understand. maybe its something you just cant help, maybe it helps to dig and find nothing. it just seems like it could be more torture than help. Checking up is a way for the BS to try and gain some sort of control/power back over their own lives. Once you realize you were duped, you feel so helpless, so out of control, so powerless. Speaking just for me, before the A I questioned nada. Never looked at details of bills, no looking at his cell phone, no questioning of who he was on the phone with, why he was late coming home etc b/c I had total faith and trust in him. Finding out the love of your life is screwing someone else makes you question yourself even more than your unfaithful H/W. It is bad enough you cannot trust them, but how horrifying to realize you cannot trust yourself! So you check. And double check. And check again- then you check new things trying to stay one step ahead of your cheater...all the while shaking your head and thinking, "gawd I am such a dumbass for not doing this sooner!!" And you know now it's too late, but still, it is as though you are compelled to do it...you keep trying to find a speck of control...looking for your own self, your own trust that you thought you had. Ironically, after awhile, I found it almost disappointing to NOT find anything...damn, I go thru all this hassle and I've got nothing to show for it!!! Is that b/c he is better at hiding it now? Or b/c there is truly nothing left to find? Ahh, and there it is: You can't trust the cheat- but more importantly, you don't yet trust yourself...so go back and check some more. My gut told me he was having an A long before any text messages I found....but I trusted HIM more than myself. I check less and less as I gain self trust again. Hope this makes sense.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 yes. makes great sense. thanks for the insight. being on the other side of it i just dont get it. the way that we got caught was a crazy unfortunate accident. (would give details but i dont want either of them to know i post here). anyways, from the very beginning our tracks were well-covered. in fact. the hardest part for my husband is that it was so well concealed. that i was capable of hiding it and being so dishonest. i actually cant take the credit for the cleverness of it...my xMM came up with the ghost emails and anonymous texts etc. and it wasnt till my husband found out that he pointed out the fact that maybe my xMM was so good at hiding it because he'd been around the block before. and shortly after dday my xMM wanted to talk about things. actually get his story straight so i could lie to her. he had all sorts of options on how to contact each other and not be found out. (we didnt continue though). all the while shes still checking his accounts. and like phoenix said. i dont know if my husband checks mine or not. he has access but theres nothing there to find. i guess if he does then i feel sad about it. i hate that ive turned our marriage into this. just like the rest of you, he would have trusted me to do anything.
65tr6 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 it seems to me that wouldnt "checking up" on them make it so much harder? to question everything that seems abnormal? go through the pain over and over? i! yes it is fairly disgusting to spy on your own spouse. I hated every minute. But i knew what i was doing. It went on for few months. I think my wife knew but she wasnt sure. And then one day she shared with me the email she got from the OM. His attempt to contact her after several months of NC. Monitoring stopped completely. I could start trusting her. Funny thing was I could not wait to let go of the mistrust. So it did come as a big relief. The reason they want to check on you is because they dont trust you anymore. It is no different from monitoring your child's activity on the internet.
65tr6 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 by the way, i wanted to add....I dont think you should take that as negative. If I had strayed in my marriage, and if my wife was checking on me constantly, I would know she did it because she cared.... If anything, I would have felt bad for my wife for putting her in that position.
2sure Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Ideally, the checking and questions are for 2 reasons. 1. To promote a relationship, atmosphere , and communication that is honest and open. Its OK. As I read somewhere else...Honesty and Openness does not cause marriage problems, but Privacy Does. 2.Checking, asking, and verifying stops the suspicions that a BS has (whether they talk about them or not) before they escalate and undermine other parts of the marriage. Likewise, this habit of being open and honest created in the WS makes other subjects that are hard to talk about easier. Checking, questions, etc have less to do with trust than you think. My H wishes I would check up on him because he wants the chance to prove he is being honest, and the chance to regain my trust. I no longer have an interest.
joybean72 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I agree 100% with what foreal mentioned. You completely start questioning everything you thought you knew about the person you married as well as your own self. "How could I be so naive, trusting, etc." More times than not, a BS has an idea something just doesn't seem right...then that awful gut feeling you cannot shake. (All I had to do was kiss my stbx and knew something was up.) I too had never checked phone bills or his e-mails and he was away on business for 9 months. I felt like a fool and an even bigger one after forgiving him the first time only to find out about his second OW a year later! (He was just able to hide it better after the first one). Mybrowneyedgirl, I can tell you...it's NO way to live, never thought I'd have to & not something I'd EVER want to go through again! It's mentally draining on top of finding out about the affair alone. You WANT to be able to trust your partner...have things be like they were before all of it, but it's SO hard to do if only one person is "working" at it. I wish you and your husband all the best in getting through this difficult time.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 My H wishes I would check up on him because he wants the chance to prove he is being honest, and the chance to regain my trust. I no longer have an interest. Anyone who wants to reconcile is going to check, initially at least. Yes it can become unhealthy and obsessive and hurtful. Its kind of hard to believe that someone with out a vendetta, much less your spouse would put you in that situation to begin with. Apathy, though, now there's another story! End of line, don't care whether you cheat or not, don't care to check, from here on out, everything you utter will be considered a lie. Cuts down on the emotional energy consumed by the monitoring and is a fairly safe bet in some cases.
anne1707 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 MBEG The fact that your H is able to check up on you will help recovery even if he chooses not to do so. I know that in my case, I tried to do my utmost to be completely open with my H - it actually got to the point where he said he did not need to know my every move etc. But that was because he felt more able to trust me and he did not want to feel as if his life was dominated by checking up on me. After all, what kind of marriage is that. Tell you one of the things we do. As you may remember, I work with the ex OM every day. My H now drops me off/picks me up from work most days. This was intially done so that my H had a better idea of where I was and we now do it because we enjoy having more time together. Anyway, my H does take a certain Machiavellian pleasure from those days when he drops me off etc and we kiss each other good bye just when the ex-OM is going into the building. My H and I also have lunch together on a regular basis and my H will come into the office and wait for me - head held high whilst the ex-OM squirms like the little rat he is
Spark1111 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 My husband's affair began with a co-worker. Interesting....he never invited me to the office, but I was too tired to notice because I was working two jobs, and getting the kids to college. Now, he invites me in ALL the time, introduces me to everyone, and has pictures of us displayed everywhere. He use to protect his cell phone and charge it in a spare bedroom (because of the texts and phone calls from his OW.) Now, both of our phones charge on the kitchen counter. We have access to each other's email accounts, passwords --total access if we want or need to. I always trusted him and respected his privacy. He never gave me any reason not to. Not that he wasn't worthy of it pre-affair. I just realized, post affair, how much of our daily lives (feelings) we weren't communicating about in an effort to protect each other's feelings. Big mistake in hindsight. There are NO SECRETS in an intimate relationship. And get a load of this that I read recently: It is normal to develop attractions to other people! Hell, that is how we choose our friends, our lovers,and our spouses, It is only human. In the BEST marriages, they discuss those outside attractions, especially if they begin to threaten the marital relationship, and the couple decides together how to best handle the situation as a team effort to PROTECT the marriage! Can you imagine? Trust your gut. I wish I had. Can you hop in the car with him? Show up at the job site at her home? Something where you can pick up on the vibe? Even if it is work related, that seems excessive for me. Compare it to other women who have contracted work from him. You'll figure it out.
jennie-jennie Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 My SO was like a clock always except when he met up with his OW. This gave him away. I knew when he did not come on time he was with her. No need to monitor - a total give away.
eeyore1981 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 There are NO SECRETS in an intimate relationship. Mine is just the opposite. H manually deleted his texts on a daily basis, had his ho in his phone under initials, had computer history set to 0, and deleted his emails daily and dumped the trash. He lied about all of it. His story: He thought if he didn't delete the texts, the phone would get full and kick texts back. Same with the email. Same with email trash. He put several people in his phone as initials (not that I found) and he didn't set the history to 0, the kids must have done it. After being lied to, I have my phone set to only hold 10 texts, my history is set to 0, and the only reason I don't delete my emails all the time is because I am too lazy. I do delete all FB chats before I sign off, though. Yep, it is spite, pure and simple.
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 i dont know if my husband checks mine or not. he has access but theres nothing there to find. i guess if he does then i feel sad about it. i hate that ive turned our marriage into this. just like the rest of you, he would have trusted me to do anything. So why not ease his mind and tell him that if he feels the need to check your email, cell records, he's free to do so. BEG, keep the lines of communication open..If you're trying to reconnect and fix things in your marriage, do this for him.. Allow him the choice, with your blessing..I bet it would mean alot to him.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 he has my blessing. ive given him access to everything. he knows when i see xmm at work. he can easily see my phone. sometimes he asks questions, but im pretty sure he "knows" its over. i wonder if this might come more into play later down the line when (or if) we resume "normal" life again. right now its the two of us day in or day out. to be honest theres no opportunity (even though i wouldnt take it). so maybe the way things work at the moment hes confident enough in knowing exactly where i am.
road Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 mbeg "how some BS obsessed over monitoring the cells/texts/emails etc." WW banging the OM destroyed the blind trust. Blind trust can never be restored. With time trust gets slowly rebulit, but never to the way it was. Without the ability to trust the BH can only feel secure if he can verify NC with the OM and to monitor that any new OM maybe fishing around. "i am a married OW" Does this mean you are still cheating, or XOW? "im just trying to make sense....husband has access to all of our bills, my emails, texts etc. im not sure if he ever monitors, he can if he wants but if he does im unaware of it." There is no point to tell you he is checking to see if you are banging the OM. "it seems to me that wouldnt "checking up" on them make it so much harder? to question everything that seems abnormal? go through the pain over and over?" No. BH needs the peace of mind to know your not banging the OM. "i also say this because if for some reason i was still cheating i certainly wouldnt put it out in the open in a place that i knew my spouse was checking. i agree with other posters that if someone wants to cheat they'll find other ways. thats how our affair continued for several years. our emails werent through out home accounts." This is why the BH needs access to work phone and work computer accounts. "im just curious, not bashing or anything of the sort. trying to understand. maybe its something you just cant help, maybe it helps to dig and find nothing. it just seems like it could be more torture than help." Yes. Blind trust will never be restored. This is the only way any trust can be restored. Remember back during your affair for how long did you hide your affair? How long did your mouth say to your BH I not banging the OM? The same mouth that you probably used every way on the OM that one can. Now just because you are saying, gee honey, I'm not banging the OM, your BH is just supposed to believe you. Explain this to me, please.
anne1707 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 so maybe the way things work at the moment hes confident enough in knowing exactly where i am. MBEG Don't be so confident of this. Your H's trust in you is rock-bottom - absolute zero. It will take a long time before he is confident on your whereabouts. Remember that you spent all that time lying about where you were when you were with the ex-MM? Well your H remembers that. I know that my H taking me to and from work only gave him some comfort. When we discussed this, he quite rightly pointed out that once he left me at work, he could not be certain about what I was doing and where I was. The harm done to the BS goes way further than I think the WS can ever truly realise. To be given another chance shows amazing strength of character on the BS's part and they need all the help and support they can get from the WS. Being completely transparent and open re emails/phones/etc is a very small price to pay.
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 MBEG, he has access to your emails, phone, whatever, but your H isn't privy to ANY interaction between you and the exMM at work. He doesn't get to see or know about the looks between you two, let alone any conversations outside the realm of 'work related issues'..I mean, are you planning on telling your H that you had an intimate and personal conversation (make that another "closure" conversation) with the exMM? Until you QUIT your job, your H will never be able to trust you knowing you work with exMM daily.
1Angel Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 If this is a threadjack I won't be offended if you ask me to take it to another thread. What about WWs who are resentful of the constant checking. I don't get it. Either you agree to be transparent or you don't get the privilige of being married to BS anymore? WHERE or how is this resentment justified?
road Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Many a recovery has stalled because the WW and OM still worked for the same business after D day. You want to recover then you need to find a new job. Having access to a WW cell and computer and passwords, and a GPS in WW' car, and Digital voice activiated recorder hidden in WW's car, along with a keylogger on WW's computer, will never give the BH the peace of mind that he needs to heal. Wondering if the WW and OM are sneeking of to some closet or store room with a locked door.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 the checking wouldnt bother me either way. if he wanted to i would be ok iwth it, if he doesnt i would be ok with it. its whatever he needs to do to feel more comfortable with the situation. i will gladly provide whatever info needed to facilitate that. i guess to say the original thoughts in a more blunt way....would anyone who was already exposed be stupid enough to continue contact via a route that they know their spouse is checking?
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