Are you a Dirty little secret?

[skylarblue]

Yes I am. “Dirty” as in “taboo/forbidden”. “Secret” as in nobody, especially the W, knows about it. I think all OW are a “dirty little secret” if the W doesn’t know or the A is hidden.

[jennie-jennie]

Have you introduced him to your family and friends and do they know he's married?

 

If not, you're ashamed. The same goes for him.

 

Yes, I have introduced him to my family and friends as far as possible. We do not live in the same city. He has met my parents, my siblings, my uncle and my cousin. One of my best friends and he have communicated over Skype. He has talked to my kids on the phone. Everyone knows he is married.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes, I have introduced him to my family and friends as far as possible. We do not live in the same city. He has met my parents, my siblings, my uncle and my cousin. One of my best friends and he have communicated over Skype. He has talked to my kids on the phone. Everyone knows he is married.

 

Everyone knows he's married?! This is different.

 

Wait. Didn't you once say that you guys were once sweethearts? Like high school flames or something? So that would mean that they already knew that you knew each other right?

 

So, if my memory is correct, and you already knew each other and they know that he is married - it begs the question of do they know the true extent of your relationship even though he's married.

 

I don't think the "dirty little secret" thing applies to you, since you have known him for years and this affair is really just an extension of dating from years before (as in, family already knew you dated him).

 

*Of course, this all hinges heavily on the high school sweethearts/old flame thing. Which if I am incorrect, none of what I wrote is applicable.

[jennie-jennie]

Everyone knows he's married?! This is different.

 

Wait. Didn't you once say that you guys were once sweethearts? Like high school flames or something? So that would mean that they already knew that you knew each other right?

 

So, if my memory is correct, and you already knew each other and they know that he is married - it begs the question of do they know the true extent of your relationship even though he's married.

 

I don't think the "dirty little secret" thing applies to you, since you have known him for years and this affair is really just an extension of dating from years before (as in, family already knew you dated him).

 

*Of course, this all hinges heavily on the high school sweethearts/old flame thing. Which if I am incorrect, none of what I wrote is applicable.

 

You are correct. He was my highschool sweetheart.

 

And yes, all my friends and family know the true extent of our relationship today.

[Impudent Oyster]

Yes, I have introduced him to my family and friends as far as possible. We do not live in the same city. He has met my parents, my siblings, my uncle and my cousin. One of my best friends and he have communicated over Skype. He has talked to my kids on the phone. Everyone knows he is married.

 

 

 

REALLY? And they're cool with the fact that he has a wife? Now see my mother would read me the riot act. In fact, she might even disinherit me for fear of putting her hard earned savings into the hands of someone she would surely consider incompetent.

 

What an unusual family. Almost unbelievable.

[boldjack]

Jennie, I'm betting you are being truthful. I'm betting that not everybody knows about your affair, mainly I'm betting that his wife doesn't nor does any member of her family. Your past with this guy is irrrelevant. You and he are adulterers, and hypocrites. If you were as open and honest as you claim, then everybody would be aware and your point would be proven. Dirty, as in deceitful, hypocritical, and unlawful-----yes. Secret, as in being kept from his wife and her family-----yes, again.

[NoIDidn't]

Jennie, I'm betting you are being truthful. I'm betting that not everybody knows about your affair, mainly I'm betting that his wife doesn't nor does any member of her family. Your past with this guy is irrrelevant. You and he are adulterers, and hypocrites. If you were as open and honest as you claim, then everybody would be aware and your point would be proven. Dirty, as in deceitful, hypocritical, and unlawful-----yes. Secret, as in being kept from his wife and her family-----yes, again.

 

Wow, BJ. Why don't you tell us how you really feel? LOL.

 

I get your point about the BW's family not knowing. In my not quite affair, my family didn't meet him but his family met and knew about me. Everyone knew except his GF. Even her friends knew.

 

Yet, I still agree with jennie-jennie that you are only a dirty little secret when you feel like one.

[BenThereDunThat]

Yep, you're a "dirty little secret" (and ain't that just such a warm feeling?).

 

Seriously. Why, on God's green earth, would you even BEGIN to think that this is OK?!!!

 

I mean, I was there, briefly. But even in that brief period, I knew that it SUCKED!!!! And by suck - I mean it sucked my soul, my personality, my humor, my intelligence. In short, It sucked my BRAIN right out of me.

 

Is that what you want your legacy to be? What you want female members of your family who look up to you (daughter, niece, cousin, granddaughter) to remember you by?

 

I don't think so.

[boldjack]

Very good point, BTDT. NID, would you and Jennie want your girl children to think that this is OK?

[Myusername]

Yes, yes yes I did feel that way, interesting choice of words, words I would have used to decribe myself and situation. I felt dirty and hidden and guilty.Guilty more than dirty, but dirty. Immoral, etc. Won't ever do it again.

[jennie-jennie]

Very good point, BTDT. NID, would you and Jennie want your girl children to think that this is OK?

 

Well, I must have done something right.

 

I have three girls by an abusive man. All my girls are aware of my relationship with MM. The two youngest wish I would move on to a man who would be completely mine - for my sake. They see that I hurt sometimes, and they want me to be happy. The oldest one wonders why MM has not left his marriage, since in her words he emotionally left it four years ago.

 

All my girls have wonderful trustworthy loving boyfriends. All of them are in longterm relationships.

 

Being that they (at least partly) grew up living with their abusive father, I was always scared that they would themselves find a man like that. It hasn't happened.

[Fallen Angel]

Well, I must have done something right.

 

I have three girls by an abusive man. All my girls are aware of my relationship with MM. The two youngest wish I would move on to a man who would be completely mine - for my sake. They see that I hurt sometimes, and they want me to be happy. The oldest one wonders why MM has not left his marriage, since in her words he emotionally left it four years ago.

 

All my girls have wonderful trustworthy loving boyfriends. All of them are in longterm relationships.

 

Being that they (at least partly) grew up living with their abusive father, I was always scared that they would themselves find a man like that. It hasn't happened.

 

I am glad that the relationship dynamics have not effected your daughters in a way that they sought out a man like their father. That gives me HOPE!! I too was in an abusive marriage and fear my daughters will follow in my footsteps, in fact they are the reason why I left! (I saw the abuse starting to be mirrored in my son's interactions with my daughters, scary as hell I assure you!)

 

Now, to the OPs question.. I have at times referred to myself as the "dirty little secret", but i would say that MOST of the time I do not feel this way. The only people I am a "secret" from are his children and grandchildren. I have met some of his freinds and co-workers, and he introduces me as his "girlfriend" even though most of them know his wife. Nothing too secret about that.

 

He has also met my children, who (all but the youngest) know he is married. They do sometimes question why he doesn't just get a divorce since it is obvious that he loves me and he is very open about showing true loving affection in front of them. Often telling them that he loves me without end.

 

His wife knows about me, as we have had one Dday already, and while he does not shove me in her face, niether does he go to extraordinary lengths to conceal me. He still uses his personal cell phone (the bill which she sees every month) to call me numerous times everyday. He leaves the house to call me frequently on days when he is at home. (She can not possibly think he needs to go to the store six times a day, right?) If I call him, even when he is at home, he takes my calls. I just am simply a part of his life that she chooses for her own reasons to ignore. So, I am not much of a "dirty little secret" except in that she doesn't want HER friends to know about me.

 

I am like I said kept hidden from his children and grandchildren, as until/unless he decides to leave his marriage, our relationship should not be in the open with them. It would just be hurtful to them, and I would not wish that upon them.

 

My whole family is aware of his maritial status. And while they wish for my sake that it was not the way it is, they also see that he treats me like gold, and for the most part I am happier and feel more loved than I ever have been before. They watched me suffer through 15 years of abuse, and have seen the changes in me since this man has come into my life, and they love him for the renewed sense of self he has helped me to achieve.

 

My mother was an OW for many, many years. In a relationship very much like the one I am in now. She is now married to her fMM, and has been happily married to him for more than 20 years now.. *shrug* maybe seeing her do it, I have "learned" the OW behaviour and so my upbringing made me more prone to fall into this type of affair. But as to being a "dirty little secret"? *shrug* I only feel that way once in a blue moon, as he is generally very willing to say to everyone around that he loves me. (yes, he even told his wife that on our Dday)

[Lizzie60]

I looove dirty little secrets.. I don't mind being one..

[Fallen Angel]

I looove dirty little secrets.. I don't mind being one..

 

LMAO Lizzie, thank you for always being good for a giggle.

[Ross PK]

No. But I wish I was.

[OWoman]

On another thread, it went off topic so I thought rather to post a new thread. Have you ever or do you now feel like you as the OW/OM are the "dirty little secret"?

 

 

I can certainly be dirty but I've never been a secret. We were an open couple, known as such to everyone aside from the then-W. My picture was his screensaver on his office PC, even when she worked at the same place. If it was a "secret" at all, it was an open secret rather than a dirty one.

 

I've certainly never felt bad, or embarrassed, or guilty about it - only proud that he's mine and I'm his.

[boldjack]

Well, it does seem that we have a bunch of really open and unashamed cheaters on this thread, doesn't it.:D I'm really not interested in anybody's justifications of their actions. My issues are with honesty , to one's self and to the AP and the BS. and the hypocrisy that some of the posters have shown about this thread. Other than that, feel free to cheat as much as you like.

[OWoman]

Well, it does seem that we have a bunch of really open and unashamed cheaters on this thread, doesn't it.

 

I've never cheated. I've been open with all of my partners about how many others there were. I've never lied in an R.

 

Whether anyone I've had an R with has lied to anyone else they've had an R with (simultaneously, or subsequently) is a separate matter.

[jwi71]

I am like I said kept hidden from his children and grandchildren, as until/unless he decides to leave his marriage, our relationship should not be in the open with them. It would just be hurtful to them, and I would not wish that upon them.

 

When does leaving NOT hurt them? When? 20? 30?

 

When his grand kids are 15? 20? older?

 

When is this magical age? Has he given any clues? Or is it always "later"?

 

You know where I'm going with this...

[Lizzie60]

I also never cheated on my partners.. ever..

 

I'm a one-man woman.. when in a relationship..

[boldjack]

You see Liz, that is the major difference between you and me. You see your "relationships", with married men as pretty much the same as your "relationships", with single guys. From your side of things, you are doing nothing wrong. I learned after my affairs were over, that both parties to an affair are equally guilty of harming a marriage, and both parties are equally deceitful and disrespectful to the Betrayed spouse. No , you and Owoman haven't broken any vows, but you have been a party to them being broken. An accessory, if you will.

[Fallen Angel]

I am like I said kept hidden from his children and grandchildren, as until/unless he decides to leave his marriage, our relationship should not be in the open with them. It would just be hurtful to them, and I would not wish that upon them.

 

When does leaving NOT hurt them? When? 20? 30?

 

When his grand kids are 15? 20? older?

 

When is this magical age? Has he given any clues? Or is it always "later"?

 

You know where I'm going with this...

 

I have never said he set a "magical age" I said until/unless he decides to leave his marriage, his children and grandchildren should not know. I stand by that.

 

You bolding the word Grandkids, was there a point to that, other than to attempt to point out that his children are grown? Some of them are, one of them is not. His youngest child is still living at home, still a few years away from adulthood.

 

He has never made me ANY promises. I have said that many times. But he has stated that he feels it is his duty to see through the raising of his children in an intact home.

 

Personally I find it admirable in a world in which so many men (and sometimes women) think it is okay to just walk away from the children they have made, he makes his children a priority. I do not neccesarily agree with his choice, as I think he can be just as effective a parent as a divorced parent as he can staying in the marriage, but that is his choice to make not mine.

 

I do not fault him for that. I can not. I love my children as much as he does, I just understood that MY toxic marriage was worse on them than single parenthood.

 

He will either choose to be with me and only me one day, or he will not. Right now I am choosing to stay with him, because I love him, and I am willing to accept the terms. Someday I will not be willing to do that, and I will walk away. At that point he will either do things on MY terms, or lose me, period.

[jwi71]

I have never said he set a "magical age" I said until/unless he decides to leave his marriage, his children and grandchildren should not know. I stand by that.

 

You bolding the word Grandkids, was there a point to that, other than to attempt to point out that his children are grown? Some of them are, one of them is not. His youngest child is still living at home, still a few years away from adulthood.

 

He has never made me ANY promises. I have said that many times. But he has stated that he feels it is his duty to see through the raising of his children in an intact home.

 

Personally I find it admirable in a world in which so many men (and sometimes women) think it is okay to just walk away from the children they have made, he makes his children a priority. I do not neccesarily agree with his choice, as I think he can be just as effective a parent as a divorced parent as he can staying in the marriage, but that is his choice to make not mine.

 

I do not fault him for that. I can not. I love my children as much as he does, I just understood that MY toxic marriage was worse on them than single parenthood.

 

He will either choose to be with me and only me one day, or he will not. Right now I am choosing to stay with him, because I love him, and I am willing to accept the terms. Someday I will not be willing to do that, and I will walk away. At that point he will either do things on MY terms, or lose me, period.

 

Sometimes intent is lost on the web.

 

I was merely trying to suggest that the kids, no matter their age, will hurt over this. It's simply natural. So waiting until they are older (so they wont be hurt) to make a decision sounds a lot like the ethereal "tomorrow" aka stringing you along.

 

That was my point. I used the term magical because whatever age is deemed acceptable is likely pulled out of thin air.

 

And I highlighted grand kids because if he's afraid to hurt a child at 15...well then grand kids (I guess) have many more years to go before they reach this magical age where grandfather leaving grandmother doesn't hurt.

 

Meaning you wait.

 

I think I should have written that better...sorry 'bout that I should have written THIS to begin with (I was feeling lazy - and see what that got me)

[Fallen Angel]

Sometimes intent is lost on the web.

 

I was merely trying to suggest that the kids, no matter their age, will hurt over this. It's simply natural. So waiting until they are older (so they wont be hurt) to make a decision sounds a lot like the ethereal "tomorrow" aka stringing you along.

 

That was my point. I used the term magical because whatever age is deemed acceptable is likely pulled out of thin air.

 

And I highlighted grand kids because if he's afraid to hurt a child at 15...well then grand kids (I guess) have many more years to go before they reach this magical age where grandfather leaving grandmother doesn't hurt.

 

Meaning you wait.

 

I think I should have written that better...sorry 'bout that I should have written THIS to begin with (I was feeling lazy - and see what that got me)

 

Jwi,

I apologize. I was feeling attacked by someone else today, and was posting angry. Obviosuly that showed in my post though the anger was not directed at you. for that I am truly sorry. Please forgive me.

 

I do see what you mean. I know that "the children" are often used to string someone along for ages. I understand that you want me to keep that in mind, and I do.

 

I do not ask him for reasons why he stays, and generally speaking he offers none. We have spoken of it a few times before, and he has told me that if his all his kids were grown, things would PROBABLY be different.

 

I told him then, and I would tell him today, not to blame his children for his inability to make a huge life choice.

 

I don't allow him to use that excuse with me, but I do KNOW that it is a big part of the equation. (based on discussions he has had with people other than me.)

 

I try to avoid hearing excuses out of the "MM 101 class textbook" by telling him often that his reasons for staying have no bearing on anything, it is the fact that he stays that matters, not why. That way he owes me no explaination, and I don't have to be fed some lie. Because when it all comes out in the end, it really DOESN'T matter why. It only matters that he does.

 

And when I decide that I can no longer accept his terms, I will find a new contract with terms that I dictate. I just hope when that happens the friends I have made here have forgiven me for times I have lashed out in anger they didn't deserve.

[MizzBlue72]

Oh hell yes!!!

I AM a dirty little secret. I hate it. HATE it.......