outofthedark Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 On another thread, it went off topic so I thought rather to post a new thread. Have you ever or do you now feel like you as the OW/OM are the "dirty little secret"? I feel personally that we hurt at times due to feeling this way (along with many other yukky feelings). Even if your love is "pure and wonderful" and maybe your MM/MW has met your family, aren't we still in fact hidden? After all, it is a secret and there are many that do not know about us... this is just my opinion. I love my MM dearly and he met all my family before ever leaving his wife... but I still had to "hide" during certain events so that his "other life people" didnt know we were together. It is humiliating, shameful... felt very dirty. Didnt matter how much we loved each other. I will never forget having to dodge his co-worker at an away business trip that I went on with him... I wanted to crawl in a hole. That is my definition of me being the "dirty little secret"
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 in some ways i guess i was his dirty little secret. but it was interesting, that when given the chance around someone he trusted, he told them about me.
jennie-jennie Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I will say as I said on the other thread: secret - yes, dirty - no. Just as some OW feel guilt and others don't, some other women apparently feel they are a dirty little secret and others don't. Not all secrets are dirty - and that is a fact!
jennie-jennie Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 OP, maybe you need to define what makes a secret dirty in your eyes. Who decides this? Society? The MM's feelings about it? The OW's feelings? The BS' feelings?!!! Not only do I not feel guilt nor shame about being the OW, my MM very seldom feels guilt for our EMR. I can not imagine that he would ever use the adjective "dirty" about me or our relationship.
boldjack Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Well, Jennie, if you don't feel any guilt or shame, what's stopping you from marching up to the BS, and "declaring your love", for her husband?
Author outofthedark Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 If you cannot be open about something, you are ashamed of it. Shame=dirty... My guy would have never thought of calling me a dirty little secret, it was how I felt though at times. Not because he made me feel this way, it was MY feelings, I own them.
boldjack Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Well Op, it is refreshing to find an OW who is willing to admit that. If your MM is no longer with his wife, then why is it still an issue?
Author outofthedark Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 It isnt a current issue as I am "outofthedark" now, no more hiding. But yes, I do feel guilt and shame for what I was part of and I remember all too well the feeling of having to hide and feeling like the dirty little secret. That is why I started this thread, someone else brought it up implying that we are uncaring and thoughtless in suggesting that another ow/om may feel this way. I ended up with my MM and due to all that shame/guilt there are lasting feelings that now require professional assistance for all THREE of us involved. Affairs are so ikky. The greatest highs, the worst lows......
jennie-jennie Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 If you cannot be open about something, you are ashamed of it. Shame=dirty... My guy would have never thought of calling me a dirty little secret, it was how I felt though at times. Not because he made me feel this way, it was MY feelings, I own them. Then we agree: You were a dirty little secret because that is how you felt. I am not a dirty little secret because that is not how I feel. Dirty is that dirty feels. And no, not being open about something does not have to mean you are ashamed of it.
jennie-jennie Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Well, Jennie, if you don't feel any guilt or shame, what's stopping you from marching up to the BS, and "declaring your love", for her husband? I respect my MM's wish that I don't.
NoIDidn't Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I ended up with my MM and due to all that shame/guilt there are lasting feelings that now require professional assistance for all THREE of us involved. Affairs are so ikky. The greatest highs, the worst lows...... This sounds horrible. But at least you aren't in denial or deluding yourself about what you are now experiencing, AND you are taking positive steps to make this into a healthier relationship for all THREE of you. ((((outofthedark))))
boldjack Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 So it's your MM, who is feeling guilt and shame. If he didn't , then the same question goes for him too.
NoIDidn't Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Then we agree: You were a dirty little secret because that is how you felt. I am not a dirty little secret because that is not how I feel. Dirty is that dirty feels. And no, not being open about something does not have to mean you are ashamed of it. Ahhh. We agree on something. I don't think that not being open means that you are ashamed either. It just means that you are discreet and hopefully discriminating on who you reveal your secrets to. Secret? Yes. Dirty? No.
jennie-jennie Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 That is why I started this thread, someone else brought it up implying that we are uncaring and thoughtless in suggesting that another ow/om may feel this way. The quote I reacted to was: "and no, I am not talking about the OW who are still the dirty secret" which is far from suggesting that another ow/om may feel this way. The quote states it as a fact.
NoIDidn't Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Well, Jennie, if you don't feel any guilt or shame, what's stopping you from marching up to the BS, and "declaring your love", for her husband? I respect my MM's wish that I don't. So it's your MM, who is feeling guilt and shame. If he didn't , then the same question goes for him too. Hey guys, can we stop threadjacking? Pleeeeeaaassseeee?!
boldjack Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 All right, mommy, I'll be good, I promise!:) Op, I like your attitude about this. You have owned up to all of your feelings in a remarkably, forthright manner. I hope that with proper help, that you and the ex-MM will be able to put this behind you. You , by being honest, have a real good start.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 "dirty is as dirty feels" - i laughed my a** off at this. funny, but so true. thanks for the pick me up.
NoIDidn't Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 All right, mommy, I'll be good, I promise!:) Thanks, Darlin'! Op, I like your attitude about this. You have owned up to all of your feelings in a remarkably, forthright manner. I hope that with proper help, that you and the ex-MM will be able to put this behind you. You , by being honest, have a real good start. I agree. I am a firm believer that just because something didn't start out right or for the very best reasons, doesn't mean that its doomed. I have a book on True Love in Marraige (don't know the author), and you are taking the steps that he outlines to really accomplishing it (in any committed relationship for that matter). Being honest with one's self is the first step. Acknowledging your true feelings and dealing with them honestly is hard, but so worth it in the end!
jennie-jennie Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 So it's your MM, who is feeling guilt and shame. If he didn't , then the same question goes for him too. Again, my MM does not feel guilt or shame, at least very rarely. He is not telling his wife because he is not ready to let go of his marriage, he might never be. It is too important to him to do "the right thing" and apparently it is enough as long as everybody believes he is.
boldjack Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Jeez, Jennie, your MM sounds like I was. But I hope for your sake and the BS's that he is considerably better at deeds. Sounds awful hypocritical to me. Just sayin
NoIDidn't Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Jeez, Jennie, your MM sounds like I was. But I hope for your sake and the BS's that he is considerably better at deeds. Sounds awful hypocritical to me. Just sayin So, were your OWs "dirty little secrets" or private endeavors that you simply kept away from everyone else in your life? Especially a GF or W. Did you leave a M for any of them? I agree. Sounds deceitful AND hypocritical to me. But I guess it works when you find someone that believes it. Wait! I'm assuming something. Do you think your former OWs believed it when you told them to keep your secret because you weren't "ready" to leave your marriage yet? Did you appreciate that you didn't have to work too hard to get them to accept your version of why you weren't leaving and wanted them to continue being a secret? Whew! That was a mouthful. I didn't tell the GF of my ex because I didn't want the drama. He probably DID feel that I was his dirty little not-so-secret (all of his friends/family knew about me, just not his GF/fiance). But not because of the "secret" part.
jennie-jennie Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Hey guys' date=' can we stop threadjacking? Pleeeeeaaassseeee?! [/quote'] You are correct. That was threadjacking. I will stop contributing to that. Thanks for pointing it out.
fooled once Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 On another thread, it went off topic so I thought rather to post a new thread. Have you ever or do you now feel like you as the OW/OM are the "dirty little secret"? I feel personally that we hurt at times due to feeling this way (along with many other yukky feelings). Even if your love is "pure and wonderful" and maybe your MM/MW has met your family, aren't we still in fact hidden? After all, it is a secret and there are many that do not know about us... this is just my opinion. I love my MM dearly and he met all my family before ever leaving his wife... but I still had to "hide" during certain events so that his "other life people" didnt know we were together. It is humiliating, shameful... felt very dirty. Didnt matter how much we loved each other. I will never forget having to dodge his co-worker at an away business trip that I went on with him... I wanted to crawl in a hole. That is my definition of me being the "dirty little secret" When I was the OW, for the first year, I wasn't a dirty little secret because he was separated and in his own apartment. When he decided to move back in with his wife, to "give the appearance of trying" <his words>, then I became the dirty little secret. He and I fought about it a lot. If I wasn't a secret, then he would tell his wife he wanted to be with me. If I wasn't a secret, then he would be with me. I felt dirty. I felt dirty for sneaking around. I felt dirty for hiding. I felt dirty. The MM I was having an affair with hated when I told him that I felt like a dirty little secret; but he didn't take the steps to resolve it. He didn't pick me; he picked his wife. He chose his marriage. At the time, it hurt like hell. I too OWN that I was in an affair and I am ashamed that I stayed in it as long as I did. As soon as he moved back in with his wife, I should have ended it. He was separated when I introduced him to my parents, my friends, etc. When he went back home, and I continued to date him, I didn't want anyone to know. I was ashamed of myself, there is no way I could explain why I didn't stop seeing him. HE WAS MARRIED. Whether we loved each other or not, he was MARRIED. Our loving each other didn't trump their marriage. I should have respected myself enough to NOT be sloppy seconds/a dirty little secret/a mistresss/the OW/ .... whatever term is used. I should have respected myself MORE. But at that time, I didn't. I do now. I know without a doubt, I will never become that again. I would not do that to myself. I would not put myself through that pain and hurt again. I would rather be alone than be waiting for someone to call/email/come by. I would rather be alone than waiting for someone to turn their attention to me for a little bit. I want someone's FULL attention, not part time attention. Some people have no problems with that. Good for them. Just not for me. Any any way you slice it, unless it is OUT IN THE OPEN FOR EVERYONE, it is still a secret. It isn't discreet, it isn't privileged information. It is a secret.
jennie-jennie Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I felt dirty. I felt dirty for sneaking around. I felt dirty for hiding. I felt dirty. It is all about how we feel. Some of us OW feel dirty and ashamed, some of us don't.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Then we agree: You were a dirty little secret because that is how you felt. I am not a dirty little secret because that is not how I feel. Dirty is that dirty feels. And no, not being open about something does not have to mean you are ashamed of it. Have you introduced him to your family and friends and do they know he's married? If not, you're ashamed. The same goes for him.
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