samsungxoxo Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) favors corporal punishment as a form of discipline while the other is against it?? In that case, how does the relationship/marriage works out?? Wouldn't this be a deal-breaker... If I was to hypothetically have kids with boyfriend this would be the major issue. He would favor it while I would be against it. My only, single exception is in extreme life-death threatening cases. Example: 3 year-old walks out in the streets and as I was worrying sick about his life, I slap him in the arm or toddler playing with a lighter.. Well I was damn worried he was going to dead, get run over a car or get burned with that lighter, possible die as well.. Same as attacking an burglar that was about to hurt a family member of yours, life threatening case... Otherwise no, no, no.... Edited November 12, 2009 by samsungxoxo
Ross PK Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I'm not sure if there is any way to deal with it, other than to just try to talk them round. I certianly would not like someone hitting my own kids. Even if they decided to stop doing it, I don't think I could be with that type of a person, it'd be an ultimate turn off, we'd probably split up.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 I certianly would not like someone hitting my own kids. Even if they decided to stop doing it, I don't think I could be with that type of a person, it'd be an ultimate turn off, we'd probably split up. Yeah that would be a real big issue. Because let's say when you're not home and one of the kids doesn't behave or does stupid things, the other parent who favors it will apply spanking. That would be upsetting. And well, interesting, you're one of the very few men that's against it. I see many men tend to favor spanking more than us women. In fact many tend to go for the belt, strap or something else plus the impact will be harder on the kid than if a woman were to do it. I guess many men either don't know other ways or just aren't into communicating that much to the child and go straight to physical punishment thinking it's the best way. Depends on the child too. Just because one thing worked for one person doesn't mean it will work for everybody....
Ross PK Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) I think most men are against it over here in Britian. But yeah, if I had kids I'd want to protect them and look after their welfare (I always thought that was a natural job of a parent), hitting them just totally goes against that. You're also right about communicating instead, a kid wont learn anything from being hit. Edited November 13, 2009 by Ross PK
65tr6 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) And well, interesting, you're one of the very few men that's against it. I see many men tend to favor spanking more than us women. In fact many tend to go for the belt, strap or something else plus the impact will be harder on the kid than if a woman were to do it. First Parenting is changing/evolving. It is not the same as it was when I was brought up. Some changes are good, I like it. Some I don't. I was spanking my son (i never went for belt, strap or used both hands) but that has stopped almost completely in the last one year. My wife was totally against spanking. Why did i spank ? Many reasons.... I was bought up that way. I thought it is ok to spank (I was spanked big time...I dont hate my parents for what they did but I can totally understand how it can damage one's self esteem..As a matter of fact I adore my parents...I think they did what they thought was right back then)I was immature when it came to parentingI never educated myself on parentingI never got to the root cause before I took the extreme step. It was done in anger, felt very guilty after the fact. Felt terrible. Patience was never my virtue ?Don't get me wrong. I am a good dad and I was not a bad dad before. My wife and others credit me a lot on how much good infuence I had on my son in the early days. But when it came to spanking, I guess I had a lot to learn. I dont think spanking is good. I dont think yelling is good either. So is timeouts ! It takes lot of patience to raise a child. These days with access to information via google, books on parenting, forums, there is no question in my opinion, that it makes it that much more easy if you are willing to put in the energy to learn. You know you are not alone and you know millions went through what you are going through, it is just a matter of picking the best out there. Another reason, my wife and I had lot of differences, was when it came to punishment but we never actually sat and communicated explicitly. My wife never told me how much it hurt her when I spanked my son. (i know it is obvious now, duh!). That changed in the last one year and is making a HUGE difference. We now talk before and then discipline our son when necessary (no spanking obviously but mostly talking with our son with a very serious tone he knows mommy and dad means business). So back to your OP, if one favors corporal punishment and the other does not, then i think it is high time for the spouses to sit down and talk first. Be very open/honest as to why you think their behavior, when it comes to parenting/punishment, is hurting you. And what you think is a better way to handle it. Bring it out in the open and brainstorm. Don't let it bottle it up. Edited November 13, 2009 by 65tr6
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 So back to your OP, if one favors corporal punishment and the other does not, then i think it is high time for the spouses to sit down and talk first. Be very open/honest as to why you think their behavior, when it comes to parenting/punishment, is hurting you. And what you think is a better way to handle it. Bring it out in the open and brainstorm. Don't let it bottle it up.Yes, that's what I'll do if we were to have this discussion. Just like you, both me and b/f were raised that way too in our early years. His mother used to spanked while with me it was my father. Only difference is I'm not following that path. I chose not to. I guess that can happen to. When one chooses not to do what was taught, raised and instead follow their own path...
Boundary Problem Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 What would a boyfriend know about anything to do with parenting? Learn yourself. Teach him. Go to the wall on your beliefs. Sometimes the kids really deserve a spanking, but for the most part time outs and humuliating them in front of their friends works well. When my son is bad, he has to clean toilets at home and I make sure his whole class hears. It has only happened once or twice. Interesting.
Lizzie60 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 favors corporal punishment as a form of discipline while the other is against it?? In that case, how does the relationship/marriage works out?? Wouldn't this be a deal-breaker... If I was to hypothetically have kids with boyfriend this would be the major issue. He would favor it while I would be against it. My only, single exception is in extreme life-death threatening cases. Example: 3 year-old walks out in the streets and as I was worrying sick about his life, I slap him in the arm or toddler playing with a lighter.. Well I was damn worried he was going to dead, get run over a car or get burned with that lighter, possible die as well.. Same as attacking an burglar that was about to hurt a family member of yours, life threatening case... Otherwise no, no, no.... That would definitely be a deal breaker.. I am against corporal punishment very much. It is extremely important for people to have a discussion about kids BEFORE getting married.. and to establish guidelines.. both parents have to be on the same page.. otherwise it won't work.. or it will be continuous fights over children's disclipine.. not good.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 (edited) It is extremely important for people to have a discussion about kids BEFORE getting married.. and to establish guidelines.. both parents have to be on the same page.. otherwise it won't work.. or it will be continuous fights over children's disclipine.. not good. Exactly.. that's the point. I feel sad for my mother. It's like she was not given a voice at all in regards to this. She's the one that hardly ever spanked me. If so, it was only with the hand once or twice and lastly grabbing me by the hair just on time before jumping off window (but it was only to reached me not hair pulling). He didn't like when my father was starting to use a belt on me beginning at age 4 all the way to age 7. But did she had a voice?? Hells nope, it was just him, him, ruling it all. He would even be like ''Get the hell out, I'm the one disciplining, you know nothing''... And if she got in the way, he would push her aside, still yelling at her to get out and then close the door. Poor her, I don't think he was right to do that. She is a human being to with voice.... It was with my younger brother, she started copying my father. She wasn't like that before..... Edited November 15, 2009 by samsungxoxo
Lizzie60 Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I understand.. it's not easy for women sometimes.. and it's odd that when men say things like... ''Get the hell out, I'm the one disciplining, you know nothing''... ... they ARE the ones who are totally ignorant..
Devil Inside Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I agree with Lizzie...this is an issue you discuss BEFORE getting married and especially before having children. It is one of the many reasons why I am a huge advocated for premarital counseling. I work with a lot of abusive parents in the child welfare system. What I have found is that for many of them this was the only way they knew to discipline. Once we can get past the initial defensiveness we can usually work on doing things in a different way.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 (edited) I understand.. it's not easy for women sometimes.. and it's odd that when men say things like... ''Get the hell out, I'm the one disciplining, you know nothing''... ... they ARE the ones who are totally ignorant.. I agree. Reminds me of a man with chauvinist characteristics. I wouldn't want to marry a controlling, authoritarian man. Plus it was at times done out of frustration, how does that helps out???? Not to offend him, he's my father after all and did what he could, but he sucks when it comes to discipline. At some point it requires self-control which he didn't had at times. Depending on what mood he had when he was applying it. If he wasn't that mad, he would just apply it in silent, and later on do the hugging, etc.. If he was mad, then he would take his frustration on me when applying it and off course it would be harder. With my brother, it was mainly done in frustration and anger, yelling too along with it (I guess because he's a boy). He's 7 years now and hasn't gotten any for a while. But I'm wondering if those many that were done out of frustration, anger and yelling will then have an impact on him later on in his adult life?? Edited November 15, 2009 by samsungxoxo
wife Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 spanking? sure! if it works. using an item? no. I don't agree. only because items were used on me growing up, and I have suffered and have emotional/physical scars from it. hitting anywhere other than the bottom? like the arm or face? he11 no! Not MY kid! And in spanking, I think some parents don't spank enough, and others spank too hard too long. I agree on the ways tat we each individual have learned from our own parents and our own beliefs. But I also think there's beliefs out there that go way beyond "corpral punishment" and borderline abuse. THere's also other beliefs that basically result in the children being un-diciplined and wild and unruly. It's so broad, and such a deep topic, like religion. Not sure where i'm going with this. BUt basically I'm not against spanking. Of corse my husband, it breaks his heart when I spank...however he has spanked once or twice in severe situations (the lighter thing, running out into a busy road). My ex husband uses the "let's talk" approach with my kids. Honestly I feel guilty of being too upset when I spank, or spanking too many times sometimes. I also use the "let's talk about what you did wrong" approach and it works! I'd never let anyone other than my husband, my ex, or myself ever lay a hand or yell at my kids. Not the uncle, grandmother, no one. THey have, and like a tigress protecting her young..I pounced and defended my babies It's hard when you have conflicting beliefs/ways with your spouse or sig. other. Kids see it too, one parent undermining or contradicting the other. They're like sponges and can grow to believe that it's okay, normal and expected. I think.
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