Cranialrupture Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Ok I am need of you guys!! I am going to file and get a lawyer. As much as I hate to admit it and don't want to do this I know I can't fully move on and heal until its done. I am scared to death of the future, of being a single dad of three. What if I don't find someone else. What if I fail at being a parent and hurt my kids more. What if I have a breakdown, what if what if what if. I know what if's are not the way to think but I am not going to lie, I have some big fears which are crippling me. I was in it for life, no matter how hard it got I honestly believe that any problem could be overcome. I look back now and can see it was not me. Yes I had my problems, yes I screwed up. But I was willing to fight, she was not. She cheated on me and left me for a couple months about 6 years ago. I got alot of the same answers then that she gives me now. I don't love you anymore, I am not happy and haven't been for awhile. I don't want to give you any false hope, etc. But she came back and swore on her life that she would never do it again and would work on ngs no matter how bad they got. 6 years later she's doing the same thing. After she left me this time I continued to fight and actually learned the problems this time and know how to fix the problems not just the symptoms. She refuses to take advice or go to counseling. I have done everything I can. I need to move on with my life. I just need some support for what I am about to do. I don't want to but I need to. I have realised its the only way to be happy again. Even though I don't see it now, I trust that time heals and I will someday be happy. I just am scared its the wrong decision. I still love her and probably always will and it hurts but I need to do this.:(
Auroracoladybug Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 We are all scared for our children no matter the path we chose. My support is with you and I am so sorry that you are going thru this. PM me anytime and I will give my support...I too had to file (different reasons) but do not want this at all...Today is a bad day for me so I don't have much to say support wise...
dazedandconfused2008 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I think your doing the right thing. The fact that she has done this before goes to show that she hasnt changed or made any attempt to see what is going on within her that compells her to cheat. If there are no consequences to her actions she will continue to do what she does as she has learned that YOU are the one doing all the work and fighting to keep the marriage...while she does as she pleases. You dont deserve to be cheated on and to be taken advantage of and to be sitting in this state of "limbo". You can only control your own life...and you must ask yourself what more are you willing to take from her? At what price? You know that price very well because you are the one suffering at home. Waiting for someone that doesnt want to help themselves gets you nowhere. I should know. Dont let it get to the point that i did. My situation went from bad to worse...trying to "wait" for him and "hoping" he'll change. All i did was enable him even more. You need to do whats best for YOU. Now. Limbo sucks...shes not willing to help herself or take responsibility...your hurting...your kids are hurting....you know what you need to do. Get off the merry go round of hell. Change is scary...but sometimes its forced upon us and we dont see the good that comes from it until we climb that mountain. You have to realize that some people need to have a huge wake up call to change...and some people still never change. But waiting to see if that happens is gonna wear you down. Live for yourself NOW. Whatever you decide...COMMIT to it. KEY WORD. Your in or your out...dont stay in limbo any longer. Cuz thats the real self esteem/self worth killer right there.
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 We are all scared for our children no matter the path we chose. My support is with you and I am so sorry that you are going thru this. PM me anytime and I will give my support...I too had to file (different reasons) but do not want this at all...Today is a bad day for me so I don't have much to say support wise... Hey Ladybug. Hang in there. Hope you are doing better soon. You have given so many such awesome advice. It might help YOU to send your support out to other LSers. I think your doing the right thing. The fact that she has done this before goes to show that she hasnt changed or made any attempt to see what is going on within her that compells her to cheat. If there are no consequences to her actions she will continue to do what she does as she has learned that YOU are the one doing all the work and fighting to keep the marriage...while she does as she pleases. You dont deserve to be cheated on and to be taken advantage of and to be sitting in this state of "limbo". You can only control your own life...and you must ask yourself what more are you willing to take from her? At what price? You know that price very well because you are the one suffering at home. Waiting for someone that doesnt want to help themselves gets you nowhere. I should know. Dont let it get to the point that i did. My situation went from bad to worse...trying to "wait" for him and "hoping" he'll change. All i did was enable him even more. You need to do whats best for YOU. Now. Limbo sucks...shes not willing to help herself or take responsibility...your hurting...your kids are hurting....you know what you need to do. Get off the merry go round of hell. Change is scary...but sometimes its forced upon us and we dont see the good that comes from it until we climb that mountain. You have to realize that some people need to have a huge wake up call to change...and some people still never change. But waiting to see if that happens is gonna wear you down. Live for yourself NOW. Whatever you decide...COMMIT to it. KEY WORD. Your in or your out...dont stay in limbo any longer. Cuz thats the real self esteem/self worth killer right there. I agree with d&c2008 - one time forgiven, not a second. I am deeply sorry you are going thru this pain. Hope you find that better place soon. Get the D - THAT piece of paper has no bearing on whether you two have a future together. The D will allow you some closure or distance from the pain. CR - The fact that you wre here on LS is indicative enough to me that you are a good man because want to find the best path for you and your kids. The kids need you and you need them. This wakeup call that dazed mentions - it may never come. With my STBXW we call it a fog. The fog may never lift so I need to move forward with the D. FOR ME. not to hurt her. Hang in there my friend, FL98
daddypop1 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Im kind of scared myself, but you and other people on here have given me good advice and helped me accept the situation. It is what it is. Our situations are similar (3 kids, my wife hasnt cheated in 5 yrs, as far as I know). Not sure about your wife, but mine is seriously messed up. Im not going to blame myself anymore for this. I dont want to be married to her anymore the way she is. Im worried about the custody battle she might try to give me, but she doesnt even have her own place yet. Im not going to rule out that some time down the road if she gets help for herself that we could work. Im not expecting it though and there is a good chance that by then I wont want it to. I am going to file for divorce today. I realized that my current marriage is over and that is a good thing. Not sure if you are feeling the same way, but this is a new beginning and you need to move on. She needs to understand that this isnt ok and she has to have respect for you and herself. Your wife isnt going to see that if you show her there are no consequences and your kids need to know that as well. I feel like if I were to take her back, my kids would lose respect for me as well. Its ok to be alone, to do it on your own. I am seeing more and more everyday how empowering it is. I have been a doormat for along time now. My wife has cheated on me quite a bit. No more... If I can do this, so can you. You dont need her to be happy, trust me. Accepting that is the hard part, it gets easier every day. You got it bro, your going to be just fine.
oxfordsocks Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 each day you have to get up and be strong. I believe that you can't love someone and have an affair. So she is telling you this. You will be here again in 6 years--older and feeling more stupid and more worried. You have become her security blanket i think if things don't work out with the other men. marriage has to be equal in its ambition to succeed and she does not have the interest. I wish you well but sometimes loving someone is not all that matters---I wish someone who can love you back with the same vigour!
TaraMaiden Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Ok I am need of you guys!! I am going to file and get a lawyer. As much as I hate to admit it and don't want to do this I know I can't fully move on and heal until its done. I am scared to death of the future, of being a single dad of three. What if I don't find someone else. What if I fail at being a parent and hurt my kids more. What if I have a breakdown, what if what if what if. I know what if's are not the way to think but I am not going to lie, I have some big fears which are crippling me. people always ask "what if....?" but you know what? They never answer. so.... What if I don't find someone else? Ok, what if you don't find someone else? What if I fail at being a parent and hurt my kids more. Ok, What if you fail at being a parent and hurt your kids more? (though this is a stupid question. Parents who stay together are no more guaranteed to be 'good parents' any more than single parents. Togetherness doesn't mean good parenthood. Sometimes in fact, it's quite the opposite. So stop setting yourself up for failure....). What if I have a breakdown? Ok, what if you have a breakdown? The best way to overcome fears is to strip them down to their barest minimum, by continually asking "What if"... and answering the questions.... I have done everything I can. I need to move on with my life. I just need some support for what I am about to do. Ok, you got it buddy... we're here.... I don't want to but I need to. I have realised its the only way to be happy again. Even though I don't see it now, I trust that time heals and I will someday be happy. I just am scared its the wrong decision. What other choice do you have? You know 'plan A' didn't work... so this is what you are left with.... You have to forge ahead and make the best of it. You know you can..... I still love her and probably always will and it hurts but I need to do this.:( No, trust me...this too shall pass.
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