OnlyOne111 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 A little background, I've been married to my wife for 2 years. I dated her for three prior to getting married. I met her in my mid twenties when I thought that I had a rough grasp on who I wanted to become. Fast forward to now, I've come to a place where I do want to see children in my future. This wasn't in the cards when my wife and I married. She's a career woman, who only wants her spare time with me. I wouldn't want to take the chance on having children with her since I know her attitude toward not just other people's children but her and my nephews and nieces. I never married her with the intention of having children. I know my wife very well and I don't think she'd be a good mother. So please spare the "she'd love her own" since they would come across as a financial hassle and would steal my attention from her. I know I have to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker in the long term. But I'm not exactly young anymore. At least in my opinion for rearing children. The stress of these thoughts coupled with the fact that we're moving a thousand miles from my hometown has me stressed to no ends. Broaching the subject is just asking for a discussion that I already know the answer to. I don't want to turn to my family or even my closest friends at the moment, because I don't want any word of this to somehow fall on her ears before our move. I love my wife dearly, I adore her. I'd never want to hurt her feelings. If my life's prerogatives change this drastically then there probably isn't any reconciliation for the path I'm going to inevitably choose then, is there? Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read my post. It is sincerely appreciated.
stace79 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Have you considered sharing your thoughts with a counselor or pastor? They could provide unbiased help with no chance that it will be shared with your wife. I'm curious why you changed your mind about having children. Are you sure it's not that you're stressed about the move and finding other thoughts more agonizing than they'd normally be? Is anything else going on in your relationship that would make you "look for an excuse" to get out? I guess I'm just confused as to how your outlook on having children could change so swiftly and drastically.
kickintheaz Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 ONLYONE... If I may point out the obvious.. Broaching the subject is just asking for a discussion that I already know the answer to. I know I have to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker in the long term. If you think this is a 'deal breaker' then talk to your wife.. Remember 'for better or worse'... One thing I have learned to understand in all the time my sorry story has been played out is that communication is key. One should never assume what the other party is thinking. How do you know your wife isn't harbouring similar thoughts and is afraid to broach them with you? bearing in mind ye presumably talked about this prior to marriage.. I would hate to think that a 5 year relationship could potentially go down the pan, or at least hit rocky water because one partner was afraid of speaking to the other? The stress of the move is obviously getting to you so perhaps deal with one thing at a time, get through the move and then sit down with her.. or is it a case of If she absolutely does not see kids in the future then the move is pointless? Stace could be right with some objective independent advice, though I suspect that in something as serious as considering kids both parties should be involved? and on a slightly more personal note, I guess from your timeframes your prob hitting early 30s?? Please don't think that is too old to have kids, I'm 32 and whilst I am in a situation where I may get the girl back that I gonna have kids with, theres a chance she may be lost to me forever so I gonna have to start all over again!.. giving me, what, potentially another 5 years before i have kids? that ain't so old in my eyes... (Just my 2 cents on the age thing) I love my wife dearly, I adore her. I'd never want to hurt her feelings. If my life's prerogatives change this drastically then there probably isn't any reconciliation for the path I'm going to inevitably choose then, is there? Before you start looking for the start of that path.. stop and think.. is this the ONLY issue ye guys have? and why look for that path before you explore every option (esp Talking) As to changing your perogatives, look, men can go thru drastic mental changes from mid 20's to 30s.. its all part of growing up and older, mine have changed a million times in the last 7 years.. but I'm gettin to a point of being happy with what I want in life now and trying to get it for me. Of course you're view on life is gonna change, but you have someone you adore by your side, presume she feels the same? then maybe, just maybe.. ye both want each other to be happy and whilst a compromise is kinda out of the question here if she doesn't want kids now, maybe she has a view that 3 years down the line is when she does.. or 5, or 1.. ASK HER.. You do know there is a good chance she is gonna pick up that something is bothering you and if you start making excuses now, all sorts of stuff could go through her head.. In saying that, there may be others on here who have been through similar and can help better, I guess I just looking at it from the point of view that this is obvioulsy eating you up enough to come on here to post your problem when the answer may be in the head thats lying beside you at night... try not to stress too much esp over the house move.. and good luck with it.
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