Finally over.

[teanoranges]

After a 2.5 year on-off relationship with my ex we ended things in June, I thought I could do the 'friends' thing, but in reality I just wanted him to come back because he always had.

A couple of months ago, he kissed a girl and started to really like her. I was sooo torn up, I actually moved back home (which is like 10 hours away from him!) I kept contact with him a little in hopes that he'd miss me, love me, and through fear that if I let him go he'd never come back.

I got sick of it when I realized he was talking to me as a friend with no feelings. I went NC for 20 days and I broke NC hoping to be okay with him, even if it was just a friendship... but maybe it'll lead somewhere. Maybe I could tell him how much of a fool he was to think he could love anyone other than me.

It was nice talking to him almost everyday, I was beginning to think he did love me again. Then bam! I asked about the girl and he's starting a relationship with her. Thanks to my advice on love, he's really thinking he can finally let go and let someone love him for who he is! My advice helped him learn to love someone else! Ow!

So I talked to him and told him I was wrong about how I felt and I need to not talk to him again.

He's kind in his understanding but that makes it worse because you want them to care! You want them to want you in their life and want them to want to be the 'one' for you. But he's telling me he hopes I find a man because I deserve one so much!

 

Anywho, I'm back to day one. I'm scared and nervous, but at the same time, I don't regret breaking the 20day thing because I got so many answers, but at the same time we are both really honest people and I told him to be completely honest with me. He told me he didn't love me anymore and never will, he thinks of me more of a sister.

Getting this answer has definitely made me sad and realize the end, but its a different kind of sadness because I know now I have to think of him gone from my life.

If I didn't break nc I'd be thinking about what was happening with him and her. If he still thought of me. So getting the pain was good.

But I am going to go back to NC again because in the end, it is the best.

 

I know I'm still young and I'll get over it, but does anyone else find themselves analyzing everything? I'm scared I won't get over him but I want to. I don't want to look back ten years from now and think he was the best I ever had.

In the end, I want him to miss me though and feel like he made a terrible mistake in losing me forever.

I guess my ego is more hurt than my heart? I'm embarrassed of all the love and words I showered on him in between june and now because they were wasted on a boy who didn't even love me back.

 

Oh, life is so weird.

[106rob]

do you know what iv been thinking the same,iv only been a week NC but i need ansers as to how she feels rather than me just woundering and hopeing all the time,maybe if she tells me what your ex has told you it will help/make me move on again :S

 

i realy love and want her back in my life but im 90% sure she doesent want the same anymore now she is at university

 

so far all i have had out of her is "i need some space" "iv not had time to think" "iv been so busy "sorry" "i wish i could make it better" bla bla bla

 

so not actualy proper reason or anything from her part as to why out very close 2 year relationship just came to an end verualy over night,i know why,she has gone to uni and wants the full uni life and with no boyfriend she is free to do ANYTHING she wants isnt she

 

but it ****ing hurts seeing her without a care and im stuck at home lost most of my mates throguh not realy speaking or making any effort with them while i was with her,she became my life,big misteak i will never ever make again becuase now the only place i have to talk about everything on my mind is here,witch is good but not the same as a mate telling you etc etc

[sean1970]

He told me he didn't love me anymore and never will, he thinks of me more of a sister.

 

Jesus that must have hurt... Im sorry...

[teanoranges]

It did hurt, but the reality of it was so much more strange.

I was so used to us having this intense connection especially with conversation and how much we love each other. Even when we were on breaks, it was still how much we love each other though are going through rough times.

When he told me that, it honestly felt like I was talking to a stranger.

Anything I wanted to say was pointless because it would be like talking to a table. He really lost a lot of my trust and my feelings for him as this all powerful being.

 

106rob, I'd say if you had a good enough relationship with her and she was a loving person who even cares remotely for you, you could ask her calmly.. the important part is calmly. You can be affectionate in your own way but do so calmly. No harsh words, or blame game, just tell them you need 100% honesty even if they fear it'll hurt.

 

Its funny because people do try to not hurt you. At first he'd say that he didn't want the relationship with me but could see us meeting up again and having the same feelings.

Now its never. and that really pulls you out of it.

 

The other funny thing is that the first time I went NC with him I ended up landing a good volunteer opportunity. I struggled really hard to make it when I lived near him and still when I moved back, but never got too much. Still I was struggling with a job, besides the volunteering for experience when I came back. Then bam, day one of nc and I got a call for an interview. Strange twist of fate, right?

Its like his presence holds me back (even though I still strived with him) and that's a sad thing because you have people advise you that sometimes people hold each other back. When all I wanted was for us to grow together and it just doesn't work that way.

How sad.

[sean1970]

do you know what iv been thinking the same,iv only been a week NC but i need ansers as to how she feels rather than me just woundering and hopeing all the time,maybe if she tells me what your ex has told you it will help/make me move on again :S

 

I just think that actively seeking closure is a dangerous pursuit. They have all the ability to string you along while never really cementing anything that will satisfy you. How many here have hung on longer than they should have, with many embarrassing regrets along the way, looking for closure?

 

IMO, if there is closure to be had, let them give it, don't go ask for it.

[teanoranges]

Well, I'm on day 2 of nc and I'm doing good.

I'm really scared though because I don't want to feel the relapse that I'm sure will come.

My heart wants to miss him but my mind is doing a good job of not thinking about the past, instead its switched to the reality of it all, to all the analyzing. Understanding that he was falling out before, that he was falling out of love during and maybe I was more of an emotional crutch to him than a true lover.

It sucks. I really did (and suppose do) love him.

 

I hate that he is so fine with the NC, and I know he'll allow it. He still wants to be friends but knows I have to go NC. I really feel like when I'm over him I won't be friends with him, it just sucks because I had so much passion for him.

and it makes me fear that I would take him back if he ever asked and I don't want to be like that. I don't want to love someone who could leave me and fall in love with someone else. I don't want to love someone who can go a day without thinking about me.

I don't want to love him. But I also fear letting go, I have let go, but I'm so scared of these feeling fading. Letting go of love is so sad.

Its so hard and so confusing.

[nobleguy]

I got sick of it when I realized he was talking to me as a friend with no feelings.

 

It really is a killer when you realise that.

That's when I knew to give up contact with mine.

[sean1970]

It really is a killer when you realise that.

That's when I knew to give up contact with mine.

 

After a four hour drive to her house, both having a good morning, eventually say, "I don't want to date you" in an agitated voice is what did it for me...

[teanoranges]

You know what else is a killer that tears at me and makes me want to call...

is figuring out why he doesn't love me.

He's referenced dependency twice to me before. One was when he said in the beginning he thought I was dependent but knows I'm not,

but during my conversation with him he mentioned how he likes this new girl because she's got her own life that he's not a part of and it makes her feel less dependent.

 

I feel like I am not dependent and it hurts to be degraded like that! I want to call him and yell at him for thinking that, but that would probably make him see me as more dependent anyways..

I mean, I admit to not doing as much as I normally would in order to see him, but isn't that what sometimes happens?

I still had my own life, but it wasn't much because I'm not the party-er type and I'm young and trying to get my life started.

I also would tell him a good bit of my thoughts and I did turn to him when I needed to talk, but if he used that against me I'm sooo upset! How can someone you love think you're too dependent when you share with them that you're a bit concerned about finding a better job or a place to live?

Its not like I was asking him to tell me what to do, I was just telling him things I feel...

I guess you're not supposed to do that? I guess next time when I'm in a relationship I should just keep it to myself and write it in a journal for fear of seeming too needy?

 

Am I needy if I'm obviously freaking out and on a website typing it all out?

 

I don't want to love someone who thinks of me like that,

and I don't want to believe someone who is as wonderful as I make him out to be loved me once but fell out of love with me because he thinks of me like that.

 

Getting better, but beating myself up in the process.

[HeavenOrHell]

Well, we can't win hun, cos I wasn't needy enough and he felt neglected

It doesn't make you too dependent on him by sharing concerns about work and where to live, that's what (good) couples do, talk about things and about worries. Don't let it put you off talking about things in your next relationship. (I know you probably don't want to think ahead to another relationship yet!)

He doesn't sound very supportive.

You got it right when you said >I don't want to love someone who thinks of me like that<

Please don't beat yourself up.

 

You know what else is a killer that tears at me and makes me want to call...

is figuring out why he doesn't love me.

He's referenced dependency twice to me before. One was when he said in the beginning he thought I was dependent but knows I'm not,

but during my conversation with him he mentioned how he likes this new girl because she's got her own life that he's not a part of and it makes her feel less dependent.

 

I feel like I am not dependent and it hurts to be degraded like that! I want to call him and yell at him for thinking that, but that would probably make him see me as more dependent anyways..

I mean, I admit to not doing as much as I normally would in order to see him, but isn't that what sometimes happens?

I still had my own life, but it wasn't much because I'm not the party-er type and I'm young and trying to get my life started.

I also would tell him a good bit of my thoughts and I did turn to him when I needed to talk, but if he used that against me I'm sooo upset! How can someone you love think you're too dependent when you share with them that you're a bit concerned about finding a better job or a place to live?

Its not like I was asking him to tell me what to do, I was just telling him things I feel...

I guess you're not supposed to do that? I guess next time when I'm in a relationship I should just keep it to myself and write it in a journal for fear of seeming too needy?

 

Am I needy if I'm obviously freaking out and on a website typing it all out?

 

I don't want to love someone who thinks of me like that,

and I don't want to believe someone who is as wonderful as I make him out to be loved me once but fell out of love with me because he thinks of me like that.

 

Getting better, but beating myself up in the process.

[teanoranges]

Yea, I can definitely feel it fading. It sucks sometimes but I get over it.

I wanted to call him and tell him how nice it was of him to cuddle with me and tell me how much I can tell him anything and then when we were just friends tell me that it upsets him when I distance myself and not want to be personal with him.... and then how he calls me dependent when I do open up about stuff I usually don't because it looks weak. I thought I could be open and not feel weak with him.

Thanks sweety.

haha, but I'm definitely not going to. It feels just as satisfying to tell you all instead.

[teanoranges]

I fixed my email, so that if he tries to send anything it goes to junk mail, but that was somewhat counteracted by the fact that I just befriended one of his (albeit not very close) friends on facebook.

I think of him a lot in the morning, I dreamt last night I got an email from him.

I think of him a little before I go to bed, but at least now I can fall asleep.

 

Its really sad to feel this slipping. He was my everything. He was perfect and worth it.

Now he's not, and he's with someone else who he's treating just like me or better. Soon he'll be telling her how much he loves her more than anyone.

 

I don't know if my ego is beat up or if I miss him as a person, because if he came back I'd definitely say no...

I don't understand why I'm still haunted with thoughts if that's the case.

Maybe I'm lying and I would take him back, but I'd seriously make him explain and fight his way back.... so until those feelings pass, I guess I'll still think of him.

 

Just getting thoughts out because it really helps.

Thanks for listening.

[GrayClouds]

Tean, Siorry about your loss. Everything your feeling now in natural ad part of the process. It has to be felt for you to heal. That does not makeit easier but understand that it show your making progress. You now understand the importance of NC and doing it correctly, it will help. What also wll help is the other thngs, get some exercise-it helps with the thnking and feeling better about yourself, journaling with pen and paper-gets it out of our head, reconnected with friends-to show you your good qualities, try something new- to learn and grow, and more exercise- endorphins are a great drugs and it well make even hotter looking! Your doing just fine, keep it up and you will see good things comming out of all this hard work.

[mmk1]

Tean, I was definitely was in your position and held on waaayy toooo long and went down the friends route, which was a path to nowhere.

 

What recently helped me make the break was a date with a girl who was even smarter, funnier and hotter then my ex. I had held on thinkning my ex was the best that would ever happen to me, but it was not true.

 

Know that you are young, these things happen and holding on to this relationship (and you are the only one holding on to it) is your choice and one that will just hurt you and hold you back.

 

Please know you will find someone in the future, but only if you let go of the past. Start each day by focusing on today and letting go of everything that happened before. It will take time but work.

[teanoranges]

I have been doing a lot of the things, the journalling is a lot of my thoughts on here. And connecting and encouraging others is very helpful too.

I've somehow managed to lose 10 pounds (short so its a nice bit) since the final end, and though I'm not exercising (and still eating!) but I know that the endorphins would help! I used to do a lot of running and it made me soo much less stressed. I am really confident with my body now though, which is wonderful..

its hard because a lot of who I am (not everything) has developed from being with him.

 

I know I'll meet some one else, its just tough because I feel like there's not many people I connect with. He was my first and I waited until I was 19 until I met him because he seemed real.

 

I'm definitely looking forward to the future! Living day by day is nice, and super fast!

 

Thank you guys for the support.

[LovelyDaze]

Hey teanoranges!

 

I love when you said ," because if he came back I'd definitely say no..."

 

Stick to that. I psychoanalyze everything too. From the little things he said to the little things he did. None of it matters.

 

Our exes would have to prove BEYOND proof they are even worthy of being in our presence again after leaving us. That means the relationship would have to start back at square 1 and take a totally different course.

That's hard when you were with someone and a certain formula worked for awhile.

I always try to remember that I felt this bad with a couple of other exes. I SWORE those guys were my world too. I got over them in time and fell deep in love with someone else. We may have to go through this one more to ten more times before we find "the one" that is just being honest.

Let's keep NC and work on getting you back to a new and wonderful normal life without him.

[teanoranges]

Exactly! I do the past thing too with other exes (though since he was my first, I think of crushes)

Life goes on.