Is this the key to happiness: knowing you are all you got?

[Devil Inside]

Everyday in every way I find that the only way to keep from being disappointed is to not have any long term and permanent expectations of anyone but yourself. People and their emotions and intentions are transient and temporary. Becoming emotionally attached is a garunteed way of becoming hurt.

 

I think that all I can do is to make sure that my kids have the kind of parents I didn't...the kind that you can count on. Aside from that relationship...I have no control...I can only count on myself and be thankful for the time and experiences I do get with the people that pass in and out of my life.

 

Does this make sense...or do I just sound jaded?

[carhill]

Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy to me.

 

IMO, joy and hurt are inextricably linked. Any relationship has expectations. It's part of the human condition.

 

I'm old enough now to have seen (and dated) some women who dumped all their emotional eggs into the 'children' basket and are essentially lost once the children grow up, become independent and leave. I would caution against such a single-mindedness of emotional investment.

 

IMO, having clearly defined boundaries of what one will accept before investing their emotions and while in a relationship is a healthier path and generally a happier one, of course presuming one wishes to share their personal happiness with others.

 

WRT the title, 'all we got' is ourselves and it's up to each of us to find our way, happiness being one potential. Sure, that makes sense. I don't know that realizing all I got is me is the 'key' to happiness, but perhaps it is one of the aspects of acceptance of oneself.

[angie2443]

Does this make sense...or do I just sound jaded?

 

You sound jaded and at the same time you make sense. I get that way sometimes. It's hard not to feel that way when you've had people close to you hurt you or not be reliable. I understand what you've said about your parents, by the way. I'm doing everything I can to be a much better parent than my father.

 

I do know that there are many good, reliable people out there. You just have to believe they exist and find them. I think it's important to understand that people are only human and even the best aren't always going to be perfect.

 

Anyways, you sound kind of down. If so, I hope you feel better soon:).

[Devil Inside]

What I mean about my kids is that I want them to know that they can count on me...that my loveis unconditional. However, I want them to have their own lives...and I am not asking for the same emotional connection in return.

 

I like what you say about acceptance versus happiness. Good point Carhill.

[Devil Inside]

You sound jaded and at the same time you make sense. I get that way sometimes. It's hard not to feel that way when you've had people close to you hurt you or not be reliable. I understand what you've said about your parents, by the way. I'm doing everything I can to be a much better parent than my father.

 

I do know that there are many good, reliable people out there. You just have to believe they exist and find them. I think it's important to understand that people are only human and even the best aren't always going to be perfect.

 

Anyways, you sound kind of down. If so, I hope you feel better soon:).

 

Thanks Angie...and yeah I am a little down, thanks for the kind words.

 

I also feel like me putting expectations on to others to make me happy is immature and not fair. Only I can make myself happy.

 

I really do get that people aren't perfect. I have myself as a model for that statement.

[carhill]

I also feel like me putting expectations on to others to make me happy is immature and not fair. Only I can make myself happy.

 

Try thinking of boundaries as to how your happiness and generosity of emotion is accepted and reciprocated as an alternative path to the same destination. Hence, others aren't expected or required to 'make' you happy, but rather to accept and reciprocate your love and emotion with their own in ways which are mutually satisfying and beneficial. Making someone happy is a one way street; a street I know too well. Unhealthy

[Crusoe]

Everyday in every way I find that the only way to keep from being disappointed is to not have any long term and permanent expectations of anyone but yourself. People and their emotions and intentions are transient and temporary. Becoming emotionally attached is a garunteed way of becoming hurt.

 

I think that all I can do is to make sure that my kids have the kind of parents I didn't...the kind that you can count on. Aside from that relationship...I have no control...I can only count on myself and be thankful for the time and experiences I do get with the people that pass in and out of my life.

 

Does this make sense...or do I just sound jaded?

 

It makes good sense. The way I see it, and have done ever since I was a young lad, is that you come in alone, go out alone and that everything else is temporary. However, I have never allowed this understanding to stop me becoming attached to people or stop me from having expectations of people. Sure, sometimes you end up getting hurt or disappointed but those things are as much a part of life as any other, temporary.

 

The key to happiness? For me it is the abilty to accept that you cannot always be happy.

 

Oh, no offense, yes you do sound a bit jaded, but it's only temporary

[Devil Inside]

It makes good sense. The way I see it, and have done ever since I was a young lad, is that you come in alone, go out alone and that everything else is temporary. However, I have never allowed this understanding to stop me becoming attached to people or stop me from having expectations of people. Sure, sometimes you end up getting hurt or disappointed but those things are as much a part of life as any other, temporary.

 

The key to happiness? For me it is the abilty to accept that you cannot always be happy.

 

Oh, no offense, yes you do sound a bit jaded, but it's only temporary

 

Excellent post my friend. You are right...why would I allow anything to stop me from becoming attached or having expectations...what kind of existence would that be? It is also not something that I can realistically do.

 

I was very jaded this morning when I started this thread. I guess by even asking that I was showing my awareness of how I was feeling. Thanks for the replies.

 

You know the reality is...there is always a risk involved with achieving intimacy. That risk is you have to be vulnerable..and one does not happen without the other. As jaded as I can temporarily get..I do want relationships, I do want to form bonds...so I will always have to take the risk. I can even say it is worth it big picture.

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

[EarthGirl]

I thnk it depends on what you mean by "intimacy" and "relationships"...if you mean romantic/sexual relationships...I do believe a person can reach a point where they have been hurt too many times to the point that they are not capable of letting someone in...and indeed it is not really even in their best interest to even try anymore. Life is not like a movie..where someone who has been hurt hundreds of times finally finds their knight in shining armor or their sweet princess or two wounded souls finally come together and are finally able to trust in the end.

 

The reality is that when life and fate have been trying to tell you something for years on end and you haven't' been listening, I think your only chance for peace is to finally stop trying to have it YOUR way and just shut up and listen to the way it has to be ...wether you find out in the end that everything happens for a reason and god works in mysterious ways and this was all some big plot to give you even more happiness eventually somehow someway that you could have possibly gotten otherwise if life and love had been a little easier on you...who knows.

 

If you are talking about relationships in general and different kinds of intimacies..friendships, and all those relationships wether blood related or not that have a feeling of motherly or sisterly or brotherly ...all those things that nourish us when we have been let down by other things....

 

well I don't think we should ever ever give up on people as a whole..I also think there are people that may come into our lives that may have problems and they may fail us again and again but we just know they are good people in our hearts and we should never give up on them in our hearts...even if you have to give up on them in other ways for their own good and your own good and cause you just have no other choice.

 

I do think that those kind of relationships...i.e. all other kinds of "love" can be just as intimate and precious and healing to us as romantic kinds of love, just in a different way.

 

But that's all easy for me to say. I have had horrible rotten luck in "romantic love' but as for friends and siblings and grandparents and cousins and aunts and just all sorts of people ..I've just been really lucky to have such nice kind brave and wonderful people in my life that have rarely failed me and if they do I know it's not for lack of trying and I know how they feel about me because they have let me know. My parents failed me horribly but what can you do. what could THEY have done differently...I don't know. but it is what it is...it hurts cause that's the deepest wound you can have cause they were supposed to take care of you when you were little and defenseless and when they basically just make you horribly afraid not only of them themselves who are supposed to be your protectors, but of the whole world, it really puts a wound in you that can never really be healed..don't even dream of the scar fading away...the will be an open wound bleeding and pussing forever.

 

In an answer to the original question...I don't think accepting that you to look out for numero uno cause no one else will...or something to that affect...I don't think it's a way to find happiness...I think it is simply a way to survive. But I guess that that is the first stepping stone to happiness anyway..just surviving...and just surviving certainly is not easy depending on your circumstances. And to take that step consciously and purposefully has to be a step in the right direction...don't you think?

[Devil Inside]

My parents failed me horribly but what can you do. what could THEY have done differently...I don't know. but it is what it is...it hurts cause that's the deepest wound you can have cause they were supposed to take care of you when you were little and defenseless and when they basically just make you horribly afraid not only of them themselves who are supposed to be your protectors, but of the whole world, it really puts a wound in you that can never really be healed..don't even dream of the scar fading away...the will be an open wound bleeding and pussing forever.

 

In an answer to the original question...I don't think accepting that you to look out for numero uno cause no one else will...or something to that affect...I don't think it's a way to find happiness...I think it is simply a way to survive. But I guess that that is the first stepping stone to happiness anyway..just surviving...and just surviving certainly is not easy depending on your circumstances. And to take that step consciously and purposefully has to be a step in the right direction...don't you think?

 

Thank you for your insights. Yes it is hard to have your parents fail you...but I also believe they did the best they could...it was not enough..but they try now that I am an adult. It is my responsiblity to not let that effect all my relationships now.

 

I agree with your stepping stone theory. Like I mentioned above, I was in a bad space when I wrote the original post. In fact I kind of regret writing it now. However, LS, is a journal of sorts for me, and it will be there to remind me of how I can feel at times.

[EarthGirl]

well you can regret it for you...but me I really appreciate you writing that post because it helped me think some things out...Although I had been thinking about these issues the last few days already coincidentally before I read your post, it was still very helpful to me to think through your question. so thanks.