How Long Does This Pain Last??

[worldcavedin]

Hello Everyone,

I am married for 6 year now and going out for 15 year in total. We were having problems for over a year and even slept in seprate beds in that time, but all of a sudden she moved out 6 weeks ago ad last week toldme she had a new man. It has turned my world upside down, i constantly think about him and her, what they are doing. She tells me that she has no feelings for me anymore and that she will never be back but i just cant seem to accept it. i want to have nc but i always let myself down an it is hard because we have two kids of which i do get access to. She has moved to a house less than mile away and i see her car every day when i go to work n stuff, i also see hercar at her friends house(she is going out with her friends brother) and it makes me feel like i am going to implode. Please can someone tell me the average timescale to get over this.

I cant seem to find any faults in her as she is perfect which makes it worse. I have been trying to cry but no tears are coming i thought if i cry i can maybe start to move on but i am finding it impossable to move on and i want to keep asking her questions about her man, like did u stay with him lastnight, are you both going out at the weekend etc etc, i know when i ask it causes me great pain but i cant syop myself.

 

i want this pain to go away but it seems to be getting stronger day by day.

 

Thanks for letting me ramble and probably not make any sense but i need to talk as i gave up on my friends a long time ago to concentrate on my marriage. i speak to my two brothers but they just say things like f... her get over it etc, they are the alpha male type you know dont show any feelings or you are a d...

 

once again thanks and if anyone has a rough time scale please tell me

[Tayla]

First, may I say how sorry I am to hear of your loss of the marriage.

Its a challenge when children are involved. The NC will not work in this case. But you can minimize the pain by focusing on the children and the good times to come. First comes the shock and then the healing. Be nothing less then honest with them, no matter what there age.

Just like a fresh wound, its common to feel the pain more intensely....

It does subside as you come to terms with the reality.

Healing prayers to you as you go thru this.

[HeavenOrHell]

Hi, all I can say for me after my 18 year break up is it started to get more bearable after about 3 1/2 months, but I suffer with long term depression and anxiety anyway so maybe I'm one of the ones it will take longer with.

I don't know it if it's likely to be longer or quicker if your ex cheated (mine didn't).

It's different for everyone, so can't really put a time scale on it. Crying and grieving is very important though.

Hugs to you..

[worldcavedin]

First, may I say how sorry I am to hear of your loss of the marriage.

Its a challenge when children are involved. The NC will not work in this case. But you can minimize the pain by focusing on the children and the good times to come. First comes the shock and then the healing. Be nothing less then honest with them, no matter what there age.

Just like a fresh wound, its common to feel the pain more intensely....

It does subside as you come to terms with the reality.

Healing prayers to you as you go thru this.

 

 

Thanks for your kind words, i do try and focus on the kids but i seem to be just moping around when ihave them and when i do have them the pain sort of intensifies as i make assumptions that she is going straight into her new bf arms as she has not got the kids with her.

 

You say nc is not possible and maybe you are correct but when i do see her, she acts like nothing has happened, she smiles chats and seems she does not have a care in the world she seems so happy and that sends me mental, so i can only try and not see her for the time being.

 

I am so tired as i cannot sleepand when i do eventually fall asleep it is usually only for a few hours. When i wake up, i am filled with dread as i realise within seconds of waking that she is not here with me so in a way i want to sleep to forget her but before i fall asleep i probably subconciously try and stay awake knowing how i will feel when i wake up.

 

This is so so hard to take.

[worldcavedin]

Hi, all I can say for me after my 18 year break up is it started to get more bearable after about 3 1/2 months, but I suffer with long term depression and anxiety anyway so maybe I'm one of the ones it will take longer with.

I don't know it if it's likely to be longer or quicker if your ex cheated (mine didn't).

It's different for everyone, so can't really put a time scale on it. Crying and grieving is very important though.

Hugs to you..

 

Thanks HeavenOrHell,

I will never know how long she was seeing him, but she keeps saying that we split a year and a half ago, but i dont think i realised this as she was stillin the house with me and the kids. I wish i could cry i have tried but nothing comes out very strange as i know i need to cry.

I hope it is only 3 month or so and i hope you are feeling stronger by the day.

 

Thank you

[nobleguy]

Hiya mate. Your story sounds very similar to mine and a lot of others. If it helps, I've taken about 3 1/2 months to finally get to the point where I accept that we are done (it still hurts and I still cry sometimes) but I'm so much better now than I was just a month ago.

 

I'm sad to say it may be worth preparing for it to get worse rather than better in the short-term but be assured you are not alone. All those thoughts and questions: Where is she now? Who is she with? What is she doing? Those dreadful thoughts about your woman with someone else with not a care in the world for you. The necessary contact with her for the children.

 

It's simply awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone (except perhaps my ex LOL!). You are probably in shock from it all still, or in denial. The tears will almost certainly flow freely when the time comes.

 

I found just letting it all out when they arrived was the only way to feel any better at all. Don't fight it and feel free to admit that it really hurts. Because it was genuine pain for me (in the stomach mainly).

 

Oh, if you feel terrible do go to the doctor. I took too long and probably felt worse than I needed to for some weeks. It's not a crime to require a pick-me-up for the next couple of months.

[rp123]

Hiya mate. Your story sounds very similar to mine and a lot of others. If it helps, I've taken about 3 1/2 months to finally get to the point where I accept that we are done (it still hurts and I still cry sometimes) but I'm so much better now than I was just a month ago.

 

I'm sad to say it may be worth preparing for it to get worse rather than better in the short-term but be assured you are not alone. All those thoughts and questions: Where is she now? Who is she with? What is she doing? Those dreadful thoughts about your woman with someone else with not a care in the world for you. The necessary contact with her for the children.

 

It's simply awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone (except perhaps my ex LOL!). You are probably in shock from it all still, or in denial. The tears will almost certainly flow freely when the time comes.

 

I found just letting it all out when they arrived was the only way to feel any better at all. Don't fight it and feel free to admit that it really hurts. Because it was genuine pain for me (in the stomach mainly).

 

Oh, if you feel terrible do go to the doctor. I took too long and probably felt worse than I needed to for some weeks. It's not a crime to require a pick-me-up for the next couple of months.

 

Noble is right, that it will probably get worse before it even begins to get better. For me its been the most painful period of my life. After 2months of NC, I'm beginning to function again. But the pain is still present most of the time.

 

I like to think, that although we are paying now, they will pay later. My relationship with my ex lasted 8years. She left, and seemed to feed on my efforts to win her back. I will never forget how I humiliated myself in an attempt to keep her.

 

Somehow I/we believe that if we tell them "I love you!!!!!" enough they will realize their mistake and change their mind. How niave and desperate we become....How we give their Ego a great big stroke....

 

Wait til the fog clears for you and for her. The tables may turn, and then watch out..... Dylans lyrics seem to come to mind: ..."an the loser now will later be fast, for the times they are a changing........."

 

Everyday now the mist clears a little. Sufferring is the best teacher in the world, but she's a harsh mistress.

 

Hang in there Bud...... WE are with you, and share your pain...

[sean1970]

I like to think, that although we are paying now, they will pay later.

 

If that is true, it is not over us, it will be someone else that dumped them. I'd like to think she thinks about me and has a hard time of it but it's just not true of the dumper. They just trot on Im afraid...

 

 

I will never forget how I humiliated myself in an attempt to keep her.

 

Ditto bro... I hate how I floated her through any guilt or pain. Really gets to me...

[lostsoulmate]

when you are ready to let go....

[jayboy]

I can spot one flaw in what you call your perfect ex wife.....lack of loyalty.

There were problems on both sides of the relationships, but you didn't cheat.

[rp123]

If that is true, it is not over us, it will be someone else that dumped them. I'd like to think she thinks about me and has a hard time of it but it's just not true of the dumper. They just trot on Im afraid...

 

 

Sean., your probably right,but here we have a 15+ year connection. Read the second chances forum, and you'll find many examples where ex's return at some point in the future only to find the dumpee has moved on.

 

I think the likelihood of this happening can be dependent on how much the dumpee retains their dignity during the break. Nothing kills love like desperation, and lack of respect.

[nobleguy]

Well, regret from the dumper does appear to happen on rare occassions. I did all the begging, pleading, "I love you's", etc...

 

BUT...last week she told me about her new boyfriend (after 3 months of us being apart) then the very next day admitted she was thinking about the possibility of us trying to work out our differences.

 

It doesn't mean I would consider taking her back, but I've been really strengthened by the fact that her admission means she is probably in a relationship for the sake of it and that I'm still good enough for her to consider. In a sense she has done the equivalent of my "I love you..." and it made me feel really really good, it mademe smile genuinely for the first time in a long time, but instead of wanting her more it made me think more about moving on and leaving her to it. Very strange feeling...

 

She's wanted to try the big bad world out for some time and I think she has realised that after all the crap she had to go through to get the chance, she doesn't even like it.

 

Doesn't make me feel any better about the fact we are apart, but in some ways I've been vindicated by her and that is all I think I can expect to gain from her leaving me. I think this is a very very very rare gift and consider myself fortunate to have received it from her.

[nobleguy]

i want this pain to go away but it seems to be getting stronger day by day.

 

Anyway, how are you doing today?

[name witheld]

Ok, I will give you opinion, but after reading posts on here (from 'sensitive' guys) and weighing up past events perhaps I am just an ******* lol.

 

I dunno if you have sat down and actually talked to her, but sure that is a good first step. Normally would just say walk away, but you guys very long term and also married so I think you have to fight (2 way street) for that.

 

Don't want to give false hope, but she is probably with a rebound....

Go and see a councillor, maybe she will come along too.

[worldcavedin]

Anyway, how are you doing today?

 

Thanks for asking,

 

Well i have actually been feeling not so bad as i realise that it is over, but the thing is when i see her!! it really gets me down, so i plan not to see her for the time being. I have told her the days that i will collect the kid and that means i dont need to see her for now.

 

I have been keeping myself busy doing crap, but the weekends are very hard, you just need to focus on changing your habits, like i used to make breakfast every sunday for the family but now it is just for me.

change habits in my life, change habits in my thoughts and i wil get over this!!

 

I am going back to work tomorrow and i am also going to start exercising and i have given my self a specific month in the future to finally be moved on.

 

i think the biggest fear factor for anyone who has been dumped from a long term relationship/marriage is that you will not find anyone else. Well you just need to focus on the fact that you will find someone else.

 

I also believe that if your marriage did not work out and you were dumped then maybe subconciously that you did not truly love that person for if you did then you would have shown somuch love and compassion they would not have left you.

 

So in that sense, they have actually done you/me a fovour in the long run.

[nobleguy]

Thanks for asking,

 

Well i have actually been feeling not so bad as i realise that it is over, but the thing is when i see her!! it really gets me down, so i plan not to see her for the time being. I have told her the days that i will collect the kid and that means i dont need to see her for now.

 

I have been keeping myself busy doing crap, but the weekends are very hard, you just need to focus on changing your habits, like i used to make breakfast every sunday for the family but now it is just for me.

change habits in my life, change habits in my thoughts and i wil get over this!!

 

I am going back to work tomorrow and i am also going to start exercising and i have given my self a specific month in the future to finally be moved on.

 

i think the biggest fear factor for anyone who has been dumped from a long term relationship/marriage is that you will not find anyone else. Well you just need to focus on the fact that you will find someone else.

 

I also believe that if your marriage did not work out and you were dumped then maybe subconciously that you did not truly love that person for if you did then you would have shown somuch love and compassion they would not have left you.

 

So in that sense, they have actually done you/me a fovour in the long run.

 

Wow. That wasn't the reply I was expecting. Positive thinking like that will get you everywhere.

 

I understand the seeing her bit due to the children. Awful seeing my ex, to the point that I resent the children slightly (really mean but it's true). I'm picking them up this afternoon and I've already planned a few times how I'm going to just knock on the door, greet the children, pack them into the car quickly and not say a word to the ex, not even look at her. I'm sure she will do her usual "Erm..." as if she wants to talk about something. I hate it...

 

Weekends are truly awful when you haven't got something to do. Yesterday was good as it was full of things, but today I'm still not dressed, haven't eaten and have gone back to bed twice. Pure boredom and loneliness. Actually cried for the first time today in about five days which was horrible. Probably because I had too much time to focus, mainly on my ex possibly having a nice day in the sun with my kids and her new bloke, and probably her brothers and sister in tow like it's the most natural thing in the world. The mind is a torture device sometimes.

 

Just feel like a spare part today, and in general I absolutely hate being a part-time dad. It's just not what I signed up to. And I'm sure my children (who were always really really close to me) have become ever so slightly more distant since the split. That hurts a lot. I'm not looking forward to the day that they use the name T in front of me...

[worldcavedin]

Wow. That wasn't the reply I was expecting. Positive thinking like that will get you everywhere.

 

I understand the seeing her bit due to the children. Awful seeing my ex, to the point that I resent the children slightly (really mean but it's true). I'm picking them up this afternoon and I've already planned a few times how I'm going to just knock on the door, greet the children, pack them into the car quickly and not say a word to the ex, not even look at her. I'm sure she will do her usual "Erm..." as if she wants to talk about something. I hate it...

 

Weekends are truly awful when you haven't got something to do. Yesterday was good as it was full of things, but today I'm still not dressed, haven't eaten and have gone back to bed twice. Pure boredom and loneliness. Actually cried for the first time today in about five days which was horrible. Probably because I had too much time to focus, mainly on my ex possibly having a nice day in the sun with my kids and her new bloke, and probably her brothers and sister in tow like it's the most natural thing in the world. The mind is a torture device sometimes.

 

Just feel like a spare part today, and in general I absolutely hate being a part-time dad. It's just not what I signed up to. And I'm sure my children (who were always really really close to me) have become ever so slightly more distant since the split. That hurts a lot. I'm not looking forward to the day that they use the name T in front of me...

 

 

I believe eating has a lot to do with how you are feeling, U should really try and eat something it does boost your self esteem.

 

You also need to remember that it is your own thoughts that are making you sad, so what i do is say to myself - i control my thoughts, i create my thoughts over and over, then i say how can i love someone if they dont love me? its impossible as love is a two way feeling and as with everything, it will go away through time.

 

She has called me twice today, but i never answered and you know what!!

i felt good for a short while but i did feel good and i will feel great again one day.

 

I will probably feel differant again soon, but it will go away.

 

Another wee tip i try when i go to bed is that i say to myself, tomorrow i will get up feel good and start to move on with my life.

 

We all have our little rituals to try and make it easier and hopefully your pain will go soon.

 

best of luck to you

[worldcavedin]

A wee update, **** i thought that i was starting to move on, but the last couple of days i have been thinking of her constantly and it really is hurting. What i have found myself doing is trying to f..k anyone i meet and it must show in my demeanor that i am desperate for a shag as they seem to distance themselves haha.

 

No matter what ime i go to bed i always wake up at 6am and my alarm is set for 6.30am so i just lie there trying to get back to sleep but never do, when i was in the relationship i struggled to get out my bed at 6.30am.

 

Going to an empty home is the hardest part of the breakup but i need to try and remember that this will fade away but it is hard to keep remembering that.

[sean1970]

A wee update, **** i thought that i was starting to move on, but the last couple of days i have been thinking of her constantly and it really is hurting. What i have found myself doing is trying to f..k anyone i meet and it must show in my demeanor that i am desperate for a shag as they seem to distance themselves haha.

 

No matter what ime i go to bed i always wake up at 6am and my alarm is set for 6.30am so i just lie there trying to get back to sleep but never do, when i was in the relationship i struggled to get out my bed at 6.30am.

 

Going to an empty home is the hardest part of the breakup but i need to try and remember that this will fade away but it is hard to keep remembering that.

 

A couple of weeks ago, it was impossible for me to make it past 2:30 am... Still dont make it much past 4... I suppose that is progress....

[worldcavedin]

A couple of weeks ago, it was impossible for me to make it past 2:30 am... Still dont make it much past 4... I suppose that is progress....

 

 

Sean, dont mean to be cheeky!! but you know when i read your quote above it makes me feel as if my pain is trivial.

 

Are you not shattered? how do you manage work?

 

Hope your pain goes soon Sean as it must be horrendous for you at the moment.

[sean1970]

 

Are you not shattered?

 

 

I was just shy of suicidal a little over a month ago, that is when I found LS. I have had other long term relationships; the end was never this bad. To answer your question, yes, but picking up the pieces.

 

 

how do you manage work?

 

 

I'll let you know when I get some done... Full concentration is almost impossible... It has gotten better, but still a challenge to manage...

 

Hope your pain goes soon Sean as it must be horrendous for you at the moment.

 

Thanks...

[j_cali_man]

Wow World,

 

I am sorry for your loss. Something helpful here is that there is always perspective and I realize that my aching heart and loss pales in relation (3 years) to your time together. Still hurts but it helps in a backwards way that others have big mountains too. Hang in there. This forum is the right place...

 

J

[bluestraps]

Looking at a couple of years, probably.

[nobleguy]

No matter what ime i go to bed i always wake up at 6am and my alarm is set for 6.30am so i just lie there trying to get back to sleep but never do, when i was in the relationship i struggled to get out my bed at 6.30am.

 

Yeah, I always wake up at 4/4:30am at the moment and barely sleep until getting up time (7am). It's been weeks like this so I've got used to it.

 

Going to an empty home is the hardest part of the breakup...

 

Yeah that used to kill me too. It's like they've died and all I could remember was the busy house I used to come home to. That side of things has got better over the last couple of weeks but it's still hard.

[worldcavedin]

Looking at a couple of years, probably.

 

Aw come on mate!!

 

Two year, dont think i could handle that.