Almost 7 months of NC - dreaming about ex

[health]

Hello. Quick recap. I left ex cause I felt she was not giving me the love I deserve - 3 days later she jumps into another relationship. I left her cause she was with the guy so much ala emotional cheating. We were together for over 5 years.

 

I have been doing good - no facebook, myspace, looking at her photos etc.

I do everything in my power to try to heal, and everything I should not do - I don't do as well. She used to call me every month, I would not pick up. Last time she called was around 2 months ago.

 

I dreamt of her for the last 3 days in a row, I feel it sets me back sometimes.

 

Sometimes I'm scared she'll never get out of my head. I try, but keep thinking of her. I don't cry as much anymore, or break down.

It's really challenging though.

 

Generally I am doing great - promotion at work, keepng busy - no drugs alchohol. It's just I feel like a big chunk of my life is over.

 

It's on me I know. I will heal, I am positive. I will find someone for me.

[nobleguy]

I dreamt of her for the last 3 days in a row, I feel it sets me back sometimes.

 

It does. I dreamt of my ex a few weeks ago, her with me and the kids, and the weather was sunny and bright. Woke up to a horrible dark grey autumn morning with rain battering the window. What a contrast...

 

I was in a foul mood that day...

[AliveAndKicking]

You have a fantastic attitude.

 

I believe that those dreams are the minds way of cleansing itself- purging old thoughts, feelings, and memories as they are no longer needed. I try to think of it as my mind making room for new things. Being an optimist I try to spin everything into a positive idea.

 

I like the way you look at these things as a challenge. Rather than being something that holds you down you see it something to overcome. You can't lose with an attitude like that.

 

I don't know that an ex ever really leaves our head; None of mine have ever left completely. Instead they end up in their proper place- a part of the past that no longers harms me but rather exists in a safe little spot in the back of my mind.

 

You're doing great, just as you said. That chunk of your life IS over. There is now space for all sorts of new things, new people, and in time for new love.

 

You WILL find someone or someone will find you. Either way it sounds as if you'll be in fine shape to move forward with them.

 

Keep doing what you're doing because I think you're doing GREAT!

[health]

Nobleguy, crazy how the mind works huh? Ha ha.

 

We will get through this!

 

I just found posts when I used to post here while in the relationship 3 years ago, hurt as heck cause I caught her in a big lie - I left her then too!

Only to go back. How I wish now I didn't go back! lol!

 

Lies create a low trust relationship aka no relationship.

 

I'm happy cause I see how much I've grown since then!

 

I'm happiest when I feel myself growing and improving. I try to make it so I don't need anything external to be happy. It has to come from within.

Feeling realy positive now.

[AliveAndKicking]

It does. I dreamt of my ex a few weeks ago, her with me and the kids, and the weather was sunny and bright. Woke up to a horrible dark grey autumn morning with rain battering the window. What a contrast...

 

I was in a foul mood that day...

 

I am always quiet and introspective the day after dreaming. While I don't have what I would describe as a foul mood I'm certainly a lot quieter and tend to isolate myself and avoid conversation unless absolutely necessary.

 

As much as we all think we're so unique it seems that in truth we are all very much alike, huh?

[health]

You have a fantastic attitude.

 

I believe that those dreams are the minds way of cleansing itself- purging old thoughts, feelings, and memories as they are no longer needed. I try to think of it as my mind making room for new things. Being an optimist I try to spin everything into a positive idea.

 

I like the way you look at these things as a challenge. Rather than being something that holds you down you see it something to overcome. You can't lose with an attitude like that.

 

I don't know that an ex ever really leaves our head; None of mine have ever left completely. Instead they end up in their proper place- a part of the past that no longers harms me but rather exists in a safe little spot in the back of my mind.

 

You're doing great, just as you said. That chunk of your life IS over. There is now space for all sorts of new things, new people, and in time for new love.

 

You WILL find someone or someone will find you. Either way it sounds as if you'll be in fine shape to move forward with them.

 

Keep doing what you're doing because I think you're doing GREAT!

 

AliveAndKicking, thanks so much! I appreciate it greatly! What you said about dreams is how I feel about them too! That's what I was just thinking - like it's getting rid of the final stuff. I know I think of exes before too, but it is a kind of dull no emotion feeling - in it's proper place. Thanks so much for reaffirming me! I respect you alot for being an optimist as well! Enjoy your day!!!

[health]

Man but the rollercoaster swings.

 

I just read this site about obsessive compulsive disorder and thinking about exes. Some people think of their exes after 43 years!

Not bad or hurting their family. Still dwelling though - people get involved in other relationships and still think of their exes alot.

 

I do not want to be one of those people. Sometimes I'm scared I will.

I will meditate and do my best not too. I will heal and be with someone who does not lie. I will heal. I won't read into other people's stories and put them into my own. It hurts, cause I hear of people doing crazy things then I think that my ex is doing it, that she is out there having a wild time and I'm still here thinking about her. I need to chill out.

[AliveAndKicking]

Man but the rollercoaster swings.

 

I just read this site about obsessive compulsive disorder and thinking about exes. Some people think of their exes after 43 years!

Not bad or hurting their family. Still dwelling though - people get involved in other relationships and still think of their exes alot.

 

I do not want to be one of those people. Sometimes I'm scared I will.

I will meditate and do my best not too. I will heal and be with someone who does not lie. I will heal. I won't read into other people's stories and put them into my own. It hurts, cause I hear of people doing crazy things then I think that my ex is doing it, that she is out there having a wild time and I'm still here thinking about her. I need to chill out.

 

Don't look for a problem where there is none! That sort of thinking can quickly become a self-fulfilling prophesy!

 

While I think those are perfectly normal thoughts I think it also wise not to entertain them too muc. When I catch myself thinking along those sort of lines i actively beat them back through positive self-talk, writing, reading something inspirational, or thinking back to past relationships that I've healed up fully from.

 

My relationship was emotionally and mentally abusive so there is a different dyamic involved this time that is different than anything I've ever experienced in the past. I specifically read of others who had a similar relationship and have healed and that reminds me that if they can make it I can make it as well.

 

Perhaps it might be a good idea to avoid reading the sort of things you mentioned and, at least for now, stick with more positive hopeful fare?

 

You nailed it when you said "I will heal." Yes you will! Keep that thought close to your heart and you're gonna be just fine!

[health]

Don't look for a problem where there is none! That sort of thinking can quickly become a self-fulfilling prophesy!

 

While I think those are perfectly normal thoughts I think it also wise not to entertain them too muc. When I catch myself thinking along those sort of lines i actively beat them back through positive self-talk, writing, reading something inspirational, or thinking back to past relationships that I've healed up fully from.

 

My relationship was emotionally and mentally abusive so there is a different dyamic involved this time that is different than anything I've ever experienced in the past. I specifically read of others who had a similar relationship and have healed and that reminds me that if they can make it I can make it as well.

 

Perhaps it might be a good idea to avoid reading the sort of things you mentioned and, at least for now, stick with more positive hopeful fare?

 

You nailed it when you said "I will heal." Yes you will! Keep that thought close to your heart and you're gonna be just fine!

 

I agree. Sometimes I think of things that trigger even out of wack thoughts that probably wouldn't happen. I will continue to reinforce my healing.

Everyday I ask what am I commited to in life? One thing is healing.

I will heal. Thanks again, I really appreciate it! 7 months NC yay for me!!!

[nobleguy]

I am always quiet and introspective the day after dreaming. While I don't have what I would describe as a foul mood I'm certainly a lot quieter and tend to isolate myself and avoid conversation unless absolutely necessary.

 

As much as we all think we're so unique it seems that in truth we are all very much alike, huh?

 

Yes, used the word foul wrongly there. I'm very much the same - inward and quiet. Speak only when spoken to.

 

And yes, the more I read on here I'm finding that there is so much commonality in the way we all think and the things we do.

[sean1970]

7 months NC yay for me!!!

 

Has she tried to contact you in that time?

[health]

Has she tried to contact you in that time?

 

Yes, she has attempted to call me almost every month since then, through email and phone. I blocked her on email and never picked up her calls. Once she called me over 47 times in a 40 min period! WHen we were talking 2 months after the break she was already having major problems in her new relationship - she left our 5 year for that. The most she has gone not contacting me was 2 months. It's approaching 2 months again now since. I will stop keeping track of all of this though. I want her out of my head completely, no anger, no torture, just moved on with happiness and success. If she finds out about me - her learning I am doing great! I'm at work, will post later on tonight. Thanks everyone!

[AliveAndKicking]

Yes, she has attempted to call me almost every month since then, through email and phone. I blocked her on email and never picked up her calls. Once she called me over 47 times in a 40 min period! WHen we were talking 2 months after the break she was already having major problems in her new relationship - she left our 5 year for that. The most she has gone not contacting me was 2 months. It's approaching 2 months again now since. I will stop keeping track of all of this though. I want her out of my head completely, no anger, no torture, just moved on with happiness and success. If she finds out about me - her learning I am doing great! I'm at work, will post later on tonight. Thanks everyone!

 

Your fortitude in not taking her calls, etc. is inspirational. I've folded SO many times in that back and forth hostage situation otherwise referred to as my relationship. This time, though, things are much different.

 

In past breakups I still clung desperately to hope whereas this time I'm much more detached emotionally, I see the relationship as it truly was- abusive - rather than something good for me. I recognise the addictive nature and how I was seeking a fix. This time I am glad to be on my own again and where there once was despair there is now hope and feeling of eager curiosity as to what the future holds for me!

 

I'm wondering now, after reading that she phoned you obessively, if that was common behavior of your ex or was it a one-time thing? I ask because my ex acted like that quite frequently, among other things, and I honestly believe that she suffers from a specific mental disorder as she fits the criteria to "T". I'm curious as to whether your ex suffers from any disorder, to the best of your knowledge, as that tends to introduce some dynamics outside the realm of "normal" relationship issues and subsequen healing/recovery.

 

If I'm outta line in asking the above I'll apologize in advance. I just feel like I'm picking up on something although I can't put my finger on it.

 

Back on topic now: Hope this morning's discussion and a new day brought you some relief from the discomfort brought on by your recent dreams.

 

Keep on keepin' on- you're doing GREAT!

[almostpassedit]

your ex is moving onwith her life and she calls you sometimes because at those time's she's thinking about the past and each time you pick up and talk to her she's going to think whatever she is doing is OK, by you talking to her, you are actually giving her the green LIGHT to move on.

 

do not contact her in any way shape or form and if she calls you do not answer.

the least you can do is make it hard on her if you feel as if she cheated on you in the end to be with this guy. make her suffer.

[AliveAndKicking]

your ex is moving onwith her life and she calls you sometimes because at those time's she's thinking about the past and each time you pick up and talk to her she's going to think whatever she is doing is OK, by you talking to her, you are actually giving her the green LIGHT to move on.

 

do not contact her in any way shape or form and if she calls you do not answer.

the least you can do is make it hard on her if you feel as if she cheated on you in the end to be with this guy. make her suffer.

 

I'm pretty sure that your post is not directed towards me but in any case I HAVE to comment on the bolded lines above.

 

Making anyone suffer is not part of my world. I just can't get my head around that concept at all. While I certainly struggle between whether my ex hurt me intentionally at times (and it certainly seems so in many instances) I also assign a great deal of her abuse towards me as a result of her disorder. I've given great thought to this and am currently sorting this out with the guidance of my therapist and I honestly feel that it is both- she is both sick as well as evil and her abuse was both intentional as well as inadvertant.

 

I do not feel that her disorder relieves her of responsibility because she continues to deny her illness and therefore refuses treatment of any kind. Ulimately she IS responsible for the damage done to me but it is NOT my place to mete out justice.

 

For me to think along those lines keeps me in the problem rather than the solution and frankly it just doesn't sit well in my gut.

 

I really don't give her much thought at all as I have given her far too much already. I have nothing to gain by being involved with her in any fashion, at any level, and in fact it would be a disservice to myself to waste another moment of my life on someone who has brought nothing but pain, heartache, and self-doubt into my life.

 

Nope- no revenge for me. I'll leave that to the universe as life has a way of settling the score in it's own way, in it's own time, or perhaps not at all.

[health]

Your fortitude in not taking her calls, etc. is inspirational. I've folded SO many times in that back and forth hostage situation otherwise referred to as my relationship. This time, though, things are much different.

 

In past breakups I still clung desperately to hope whereas this time I'm much more detached emotionally, I see the relationship as it truly was- abusive - rather than something good for me. I recognise the addictive nature and how I was seeking a fix. This time I am glad to be on my own again and where there once was despair there is now hope and feeling of eager curiosity as to what the future holds for me!

 

I'm wondering now, after reading that she phoned you obessively, if that was common behavior of your ex or was it a one-time thing? I ask because my ex acted like that quite frequently, among other things, and I honestly believe that she suffers from a specific mental disorder as she fits the criteria to "T". I'm curious as to whether your ex suffers from any disorder, to the best of your knowledge, as that tends to introduce some dynamics outside the realm of "normal" relationship issues and subsequen healing/recovery.

 

If I'm outta line in asking the above I'll apologize in advance. I just feel like I'm picking up on something although I can't put my finger on it.

 

Back on topic now: Hope this morning's discussion and a new day brought you some relief from the discomfort brought on by your recent dreams.

 

Keep on keepin' on- you're doing GREAT!

 

Thanks, I'm happy I inspired you! I too stepped out and saw the relationship for what it really was - I wasn't getting the love I deserved. I used to give this girl 15 min massages after I came home from work and she didn't work! No more 15 min daily massages!! Woo hoo!

 

The question you posed is fine. We kinda always had this obsessive thing going on. We would say bye a certain way, do funny things. We were obsessed with each other which was beautiful when it lasted.

Her calling- in a sense she would obsessively call me up at least 2-3 times a month after the break up...the first 2 months after the break I stayed in contact. Then stopped.

The last time was when she called 47 times cause I thought she was in trouble. That time was a freak out time. I told her don't call me it's unfair to your new boyfriend - as he was crazy paranoid she still liked me - and if he knew she called me as much as she did he would freak - LOL at their low trust relationship! lol! My ex was never diagnosed but looking back she was not well adjusted at all - couldn't hold a job and was awkward - yet none of that matters when you're in love right?

 

Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it. I appreciate all the replies here.

After work I went to see a band then went to a cool cafe and drank hot chocolate with whipped cream! I saw a beautiful girl who looked intelligent and like she took care of herself,, which regained my faith that there are great girls out there still! I just saw her on the street though our eyes connected. lol.

[health]

your ex is moving onwith her life and she calls you sometimes because at those time's she's thinking about the past and each time you pick up and talk to her she's going to think whatever she is doing is OK, by you talking to her, you are actually giving her the green LIGHT to move on.

 

do not contact her in any way shape or form and if she calls you do not answer.

the least you can do is make it hard on her if you feel as if she cheated on you in the end to be with this guy. make her suffer.

 

Uh, it still hurts when I hear that "Your ex is moving on with her life"

I agree with what you're saying. I was the certainty - she is in a world now where anything could happen - that's when people go to things they are certain about, ala drinking, the feelings of familiarity...however - I will not give that to her. We are done. There were times I wanted to hurt myself.

I didn't. The pain I felt was intense... so I thought, I'm dead to her. My way of being dead to her is n/c for life. I told her my feelings from anger to forgiveness and wished her happiness. Know that I haven't talked to her or communicated with her in any way for almost 7 months. She's had examples of people all around her who kept contact with their exes - this is gonna be hard for her cause it's new. Sometimes I hope she suffers. The break up of the rebound relationship is always more painful then the initial break up.

They didn't go through the healing process.

 

I don't want her to suffer, cause if I do then I suffer..cause I think so negatively. Nature will deal with her.

 

I want to add.

 

Cheating is equivalent to murder. It violates a principle. You trust someone, you put your faith in that person. One must be very careful after experiencing betrayal. We have to take time and heal properly! Not end up like those people who get in relationships and think of their ex 5 years down the line cause they jumped into a rebound. Part of success is enduring the betrayal of false friends.

 

I learned many things from this, and it was probably the most challenging thing I've ever gone through in life so far.

 

I am proud, as I am 27 and never cheated on a girl ever! The love I have for myself, and that I will give to my next girl is 100% pure and unadulterated!!!

 

Thanks again almostpassedit!!!!

[GrayClouds]

Hello. Quick recap. I left ex cause I felt she was not giving me the love I deserve - 3 days later she jumps into another relationship. I left her cause she was with the guy so much ala emotional cheating. We were together for over 5 years.

 

I have been doing good - no facebook, myspace, looking at her photos etc.

I do everything in my power to try to heal, and everything I should not do - I don't do as well. She used to call me every month, I would not pick up. Last time she called was around 2 months ago.

 

I dreamt of her for the last 3 days in a row, I feel it sets me back sometimes.

 

Sometimes I'm scared she'll never get out of my head. I try, but keep thinking of her. I don't cry as much anymore, or break down.

It's really challenging though.

 

Generally I am doing great - promotion at work, keepng busy - no drugs alchohol. It's just I feel like a big chunk of my life is over.

 

It's on me I know. I will heal, I am positive. I will find someone for me.

It is just another step in letting go. Now your subconscious is finding away to process it and with ever step of letting go there is a bit of a set back. But you are still moving forward. Your doing great.

[AliveAndKicking]

Thanks for the follow-up!

 

27 and never cheated- fantastic. I cheated once a million years ago. I felt awful and knewright then and there it was the last time I'd ever do that. Ugh. I still feel gross and that was 27 years ago! Wow- I'm old...

 

You bet there are great girls out there- there is no such thing as "the one". I used to believe that but I've got a whole new perspective on that these days.

 

You're doing great so just keep on doing what yo're doing and you're gonna be all right!

[health]

It is just another step in letting go. Now your subconscious is finding away to process it and with ever step of letting go there is a bit of a set back. But you are still moving forward. Your doing great.

 

 

I agree, thanks so much Grayclouds. I know of your situation. How are you doing, how far along N/C?

[health]

Thanks for the follow-up!

 

27 and never cheated- fantastic. I cheated once a million years ago. I felt awful and knewright then and there it was the last time I'd ever do that. Ugh. I still feel gross and that was 27 years ago! Wow- I'm old...

 

You bet there are great girls out there- there is no such thing as "the one". I used to believe that but I've got a whole new perspective on that these days.

 

You're doing great so just keep on doing what yo're doing and you're gonna be all right!

 

As long as you never did it again, that's cool. Thank you, I will keep doing what I'm doing. Exercise, replacing thoughts, affirming myself, sleeping well, no alchohol etc..+ not trying to talk so much about it. Thanks again!