beyondsad Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 At 1yr out in R , I am still checking my H's cell phone record. There is a number that comes up 14 times in 2 1/2weeks, so I did some digging. I found out she is 30 , down here I think visiting family and since returned to her home state. Facebook, myspace, public records and reverse phone look up was easy finding out who she is. Now this is where it gets interesting , my H is a contractor and I did find her # listed next to a address and job , but what concerns me he never has that many phone calls for that small of a job. My spidey sense is screaming and I asked him this am if everything is ok and should I be worried about anything- of course he said no , so I pushed alittle harder and said if you get into another situation are you going to tell me or nip it in the bud before it becomes a problem. His answer was nip it in the bud. Do you think that is a good answer ? it doesn't feel right to me. F***. he has done so much for recovery but I still feel like I will never trust him again. I think deep down I am just waiting for his true colors to show again. This all triggered for me last week when every fricking movie we were going to watch had something to do with cheating. WTF!!! H was busted last year because of the phone records so he has to be the biggest dumb ass to let it happen again.
turnstone Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Either a dumbass, extremely arrogant or he wants to be caught. Maybe all three. Either way, instincts are a wonderful thing and if I were you, I would trust them. You could call her and ask her what's going on. If she hangs up, that will tell you something - mainly there's something to hide and if she doesn't and she talks to you, your instincts will guide you. I know there are men out there who are honorable and true. We don't have to settle.
2sure Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 beyonsad. Part of recovery is complete openness and honesty. You are supposed to be able to check his phone records...they are no longer private, you dont need to sneak. He is supposed to KNOW that you have the option of looking at them and since they are not private he should not feel violated. He has the same access to yours. SO - the reason for all of that openness is so that you can ASK a question outright. And not have to skirt and snoop. For his part , he has to accept that your looking doesnt necessarily mean you are paranoid and for your part: You have to be up front that YOU LOOK. You have every right and obligation to look and ask . For the rest of the marriage. There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about that. You need to tell him. I was uncomfortable and I looked up this number. Tell me exactly whats going on. If he lies to you - tell him you are calling her, the truth is not optional.
Author beyondsad Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 2 sure- that is directly what I am going to do! He knows I look at his phone /text records and will as part of my recovey. The part that sucks the most for me is I really don't know what is the truth from him and what is not. But , I think tonight at dinner which is date night I will say that exactly - I am uncomfortable, but i can pretty much guess what he will say - it was about a job related. I feel so stupid to call her and ask WTF is going on!! I called the OW once and she lied about everything.
1Angel Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 If you found her on social networks she should be on a site like linkedin or other career listing sites. Do you know for sure that she works in his industry?
eeyore1981 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 2 sure- that is directly what I am going to do! He knows I look at his phone /text records and will as part of my recovey. The part that sucks the most for me is I really don't know what is the truth from him and what is not. But , I think tonight at dinner which is date night I will say that exactly - I am uncomfortable, but i can pretty much guess what he will say - it was about a job related. I feel so stupid to call her and ask WTF is going on!! I called the OW once and she lied about everything. Don't feel stupid, you haven't done anything wrong. I called several #'s on H's phone records I couldn't place after he kept lying to me. They all turned out to be innocent, but on the few I still couldn't place when they answered the phone, I came right out and told them why I was calling. They were all very kind and understanding. Most people are going to be able to empathize, and aren't going to have a problem talking to you. If there is something going on, the chances are good you calling out of the blue with at least cause some hesitation on their part answering some questions, which will give you a good idea of what is going on.
2sure Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 You know, right after I posted my previous response I thought to myself "Beyondsad KNOWS this" and then I thought "and I KNOW its easier said than done." Having access and asking about numbers, emails etc. is something that gets harder to do further away from D-Day. Thats why its important to continue to check and ask on a regular basis. The conversation should by habit become one that is comfortable to you both. Without the checker feeling like that are being a shrew and without the checkee feeling like why is she being like this? The checking and the questions have NOTHING to do with trust and paranoia and everything to do with honesty and openness - from both sides. We, as the checkers, need to be honest and open with our questions. Its part of the deal. I mean, look at this way: I dont check anymore because I dont care.
Author beyondsad Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 No she is not in his industry. I really don't know, I am just trying to piece it together. Her # was listed with a job and address in my H's work agenda book. The reason I looked was there were so many calls, some 15 min long. I don't doubt the job., I am just concerned as to why they keep callling each other for such a small job that was listed. Oh, my H feels my concern, at dinner last night I asked about that job and he asked me point blank why am I interested, I never ask such mundane questions about a job. Of course I didin't say anything with the klids there and later I just let it fester in me and its still with me today. I am at work and I am right back there obsessing about him again. This could be nothing but tonight I will address it with him and if I feel like he is bull-****ting me I will call her. before affair I never once checked who he was talking to now the phone is my enemy. Seeing him talk on the phone I want to scream and rip the phone from him. Sometimes I find my mind wanders to the craziest scenarios of what I would REALLY like to do to him and it is not pretty.
Author beyondsad Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 2 sure- For the past year I have read most of your posting and feel a sense of kinship with you. I hate to say this but I am a bit jealous that i am not at that place of not caring. It is still a mystery WHY I even want him anymore after lying a nd cheating. This past year has been by far the most painful I have ever experienced and it has yet to go away. I guess I am still on that fence and in some way hoping it is another affair so I can actually endit for good. I hate to think I will give him anohter free fing ride . My world of true love and forever has been shattered and at 1 yr out it still sucks. Maybe not as bad as before but I am still f-ing crazy, working trying to keep the home fires burning , wild teenagers and wondering daily what the ****!!
eeyore1981 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 2 sure- For the past year I have read most of your posting and feel a sense of kinship with you. I hate to say this but I am a bit jealous that i am not at that place of not caring. It is still a mystery WHY I even want him anymore after lying a nd cheating. This past year has been by far the most painful I have ever experienced and it has yet to go away. I guess I am still on that fence and in some way hoping it is another affair so I can actually endit for good. I hate to think I will give him anohter free fing ride . My world of true love and forever has been shattered and at 1 yr out it still sucks. Maybe not as bad as before but I am still f-ing crazy, working trying to keep the home fires burning , wild teenagers and wondering daily what the ****!! BBM I have these feelings, also. I mean, when I found out about the A and he asked to work things out, I said ok, but by lying it's not like he kept his end of the bargain. I guess he's just an expert manipulator...(or I am some kind of freaking masochist!!!) BUT, if I ever sense again he is doing anything inappropriate with another woman, he will be picking his crap up out of the yard, and this time there will be no chance for lying or bs explanations. I recognize my weakness with him, and will not allow him to exploit it again. For me, about a month or so and a little past the 2 year mark is when things hit rock bottom. I had to start thinking about me, and part of that was to let go of the caring about it anymore. I'm not willing to tear myself to shreds anymore dealing with his lies in my attempts to make him accountable for the affair he had. If he is going to cheat again, more power to him. I want to enjoy my life, and monitoring him 24/7 is not something I find any pleasure in, plus, there is always some way for them to cheat if they really want to. BBM. This is something that was told to me by LSers from the day I started posting in here, but I had to come to it on my own, just like you will someday come to it on your own.
eddie_d_2000 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 2 sure- For the past year I have read most of your posting and feel a sense of kinship with you. I hate to say this but I am a bit jealous that i am not at that place of not caring. It is still a mystery WHY I even want him anymore after lying a nd cheating. This past year has been by far the most painful I have ever experienced and it has yet to go away. I guess I am still on that fence and in some way hoping it is another affair so I can actually endit for good. I hate to think I will give him anohter free fing ride . My world of true love and forever has been shattered and at 1 yr out it still sucks. Maybe not as bad as before but I am still f-ing crazy, working trying to keep the home fires burning , wild teenagers and wondering daily what the ****!! I feel your pain, its been a little over 2 months since I found out about my wife's affair, I still can't get over it. She works from home with her own photography business and met the guy thru facebook, cause she had a lot of free time. I handled the news a lot better than I thought but I still have tons of crap going on in my head, sometimes not allowing me to sleep. She met another guy that is here local and I know who he is and she has started just chatting with him on facebook and now I noticed she was texting him and had a short phone conversation with him. I kinda asked her about him and she said they are just talking about their families, they haven't ever met and she is just friends with him and they talk photography stuff. I try to keep telling myself that she wont' be able to hide this forever, if in fact something is or will happen. I have given her a second chance, that's it, if something else happens, I will call it quits as well.
eddie_d_2000 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 BBM I have these feelings, also. I mean, when I found out about the A and he asked to work things out, I said ok, but by lying it's not like he kept his end of the bargain. I guess he's just an expert manipulator...(or I am some kind of freaking masochist!!!) BUT, if I ever sense again he is doing anything inappropriate with another woman, he will be picking his crap up out of the yard, and this time there will be no chance for lying or bs explanations. I recognize my weakness with him, and will not allow him to exploit it again. For me, about a month or so and a little past the 2 year mark is when things hit rock bottom. I had to start thinking about me, and part of that was to let go of the caring about it anymore. I'm not willing to tear myself to shreds anymore dealing with his lies in my attempts to make him accountable for the affair he had. If he is going to cheat again, more power to him. I want to enjoy my life, and monitoring him 24/7 is not something I find any pleasure in, plus, there is always some way for them to cheat if they really want to. BBM. This is something that was told to me by LSers from the day I started posting in here, but I had to come to it on my own, just like you will someday come to it on your own. You are right, the 24/7 monitoring was driving me nuts, I ended it today, no more watching her every move, I told her that this morning. She said that she just has trouble making any girl friends, they are all so hateful or judgmental, guys are the only ones that understands her. I told her its fine to have guy friends, just that a lot of guys have other agenda at hand and to be careful.
Author beyondsad Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Eddie D - sorry for your pain - at 3 months out I was literally having a hard time keeping it together. At 1 yr I still think I am crazy but better at handling it. I wish I could tell you that at 1 yr you will be all better. I hate to say it but I just wish now that I would have ended it then , because me watching and waiting for the next time is not what I want for my life. I swear no second chances- you guys hold me to it!!! Sorry to be so cynical but I have become that person, bitter and paranoid. I haven't found that fun loving woman that I used to be. I hope she is still there!!
Author beyondsad Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Eddie- hmmm- ok for her to have guy friends- maybe she should make more of an effort to have woman friends. I think her spending alot of free time with men could only lead to trouble. hang in there!!
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Ouch.. Ok, listen to your gut. Fact is, he isn't reacting the way he should be. Something is "off". He isn't trying to ease your mind, trying to defuse this, he's asking YOU why you're interested in this job..Uhh, hello? HE KNOWS WHY, but it seems he's in denial, thinks you trust him again and that "Ofcourse I am not going to cheat on you again, I'm not stupid. Why would make it obvious when I know your'e checking.." Look into this, seriously. Get a trusted friend to follow him, or hire a PI. Not knowing for sure is going to drive you nuts.
eddie_d_2000 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Eddie D - sorry for your pain - at 3 months out I was literally having a hard time keeping it together. At 1 yr I still think I am crazy but better at handling it. I wish I could tell you that at 1 yr you will be all better. I hate to say it but I just wish now that I would have ended it then , because me watching and waiting for the next time is not what I want for my life. I swear no second chances- you guys hold me to it!!! Sorry to be so cynical but I have become that person, bitter and paranoid. I haven't found that fun loving woman that I used to be. I hope she is still there!! I know the feeling, I was getting better about things just a couple of weeks ago and then curiosity got the best of me and I had to start snooping. She gets mad at me saying she doesn't feel like she can do anything cause I watch her every move, but that's part of the deal really. She really hasn't done anything, its just me being crazy and insane I guess. We are home together every night so I know where she is all the time, except for during the day of course, but then I can see her online through IM. I have seen some of the messages her and this guy have sent to each other and they truly are harmless, just stuff about the kids and photography, nothing bad. But after the other person cheats, it is so hard to overcome things.
FreezorBurn Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 You are right, the 24/7 monitoring was driving me nuts, I ended it today, no more watching her every move, I told her that this morning. She said that she just has trouble making any girl friends, they are all so hateful or judgmental, guys are the only ones that understands her. I told her its fine to have guy friends, just that a lot of guys have other agenda at hand and to be careful. "She said that she just has trouble making any girl friends" My wife fed me the same line of $h!T. Don't do it!!! I demanded "NO GUY FRIENDS AT ALL!" Never new my wife was capable of lieing so well. I told her I will not trust her and she will not have any MALE friends! I have tracked Phone records for 6 months and I am getting tired of it.
Author beyondsad Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 which way - you said it!! What a mind-f**** having a conversation where he knows and won't just tell the truth - great H I picked!!
eddie_d_2000 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Well, how can you really stop someone from talking to whoever they want to? My wife bought a goPhone just so she could talk to the guy she had an affair with, said she didn't want it to end just abruptly. When I found out about the phone, she admitted it and then called him and told him "No Contact". I am really just waiting now for her to make the mistake again, it really is a sad situation, feels miserable.
Author beyondsad Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 ahhh - I wish I could give you solid advice- My gut feeling for me and you is to cut and run!!! I know I don't think I can take this much longer. I have always been a dedicated partner with my H, cared about my looks, took care of the kids, educated, good job- I swear total package and he cheated on me with 2 HS old friends. I just don't know if Iam going to be able to ever be happy again with him, and now my spidey sense is up again. errrrrrr
eddie_d_2000 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 ahhh - I wish I could give you solid advice- My gut feeling for me and you is to cut and run!!! I know I don't think I can take this much longer. I have always been a dedicated partner with my H, cared about my looks, took care of the kids, educated, good job- I swear total package and he cheated on me with 2 HS old friends. I just don't know if Iam going to be able to ever be happy again with him, and now my spidey sense is up again. errrrrrr So he has cheated on you twice? I am NOT giving my wife a third chance if I find out she is cheating again. I told her that everybody deserves a second chance and she told me that I was the best Husband a woman could ever ask for, things have been really good tho, she isn't distant with me or anything, I just wish I could forget about all of it. My gut feeling after the first affair was not to cut and run, and I don't think its fair to cut and run if she is just simply talking to people, I have gotten a lot better about forgetting about the guy, but little things keep bringing it up.
FreezorBurn Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Well, how can you really stop someone from talking to whoever they want to? My wife bought a goPhone just so she could talk to the guy she had an affair with, said she didn't want it to end just abruptly. When I found out about the phone, she admitted it and then called him and told him "No Contact". I am really just waiting now for her to make the mistake again, it really is a sad situation, feels miserable. Your right you can't control the person. However you can tell them what the consequences of there actions will be. I have already been searching my wifes bag for a “Go phone”. Right know that would be deal breaker for us. My wife nor I realy want a divorce, However she knows I am willing to let her go, So she is areaing to my rules.
eddie_d_2000 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Your right you can't control the person. However you can tell them what the consequences of there actions will be. I have already been searching my wifes bag for a “Go phone”. Right know that would be deal breaker for us. My wife nor I realy want a divorce, However she knows I am willing to let her go, So she is areaing to my rules. I guess it should have been a deal breaker for us, it means she is doing things behind my back and I have brushed it off as "she isn't sleeping with him", and this guy is also on the other side of the country, so she would have to leave for a day or two to be able to see him.
eeyore1981 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I know the feeling, I was getting better about things just a couple of weeks ago and then curiosity got the best of me and I had to start snooping. She gets mad at me saying she doesn't feel like she can do anything cause I watch her every move, but that's part of the deal really. She really hasn't done anything, its just me being crazy and insane I guess. We are home together every night so I know where she is all the time, except for during the day of course, but then I can see her online through IM. I have seen some of the messages her and this guy have sent to each other and they truly are harmless, just stuff about the kids and photography, nothing bad. But after the other person cheats, it is so hard to overcome things. I don't think you have to. I have guy friends, my 2 best friends in the whole world are guys, but you know what? I haven't cheated. My H, on the other hand, used to have a few women friends. No more. I gave him my trust and he abused it, 'nough said. If he wants a woman friend again, he better find a good lawyer first.
ADF Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 He may be a dumb ass, but only because he stayed with a woman who thinks nothing of snooping through his private stuff and spying on him. Trust him? Why would ever trust YOU again? If you were suspicious enough to spy on him, you should have had the guts to confront him directly. If he gave you an answer you didn't believe you should have walked.
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