nobleguy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Hi all, This is my first thread. I was with my ex K for nealry 8 years but last year she started becoming more and more distant in one way and another, then last Xmas I saw a FB message of hers saying she was thinking of leaving. Since we moved back to her home town I had my wife being complimented here and there by blokes from the past, old boyfriends, old school friends and she is the kind of person that really enjoys getting a little bit of attention. In March she announced she wanted to leave, but after a month changed her mind. We had a good few months, then the distance returned and at the beginning of August she left again. She never cheated on me, but she obviously had ideas about who she was going to target pretty soon after she left both times, and also there was a bloke in the background at Xmas. For one reason and another they all fell through. Fast forward to last week. On Monday she announces she has a new boyfriend and wants him to meet the children. On Tuesday evening she was thinking about us maybe making a go of it (but didn't tell me). On Wednesday I got angry about her new man and we had a blazing row - she texted me later to tell me we had no chance now. She's said this so many times after an argument that I'm finding it hard to believe her. She says too much has gone on and we can never be together, then she hits me with "If you thought we could get back together then you can forget it now..." every time we have an argument. Five or six times now. It seems that no matter how horrible I am those feeling of doubt on her part keep creeping back. And she left me... She got jealous every time I went out, wondered if I was on the pull, always tried to keep everyday contact, got really upset when I told her I might see someone (and then she started seeing this bloke literally two days later all of a sudden). All sorts of things. This is not helping me, so yesterday I told her some really hurtful things (that are not true) in order for her to give up on me. I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of having the carrot of reconcilliation dropped in front of my nose, just out of reach each time, so I told her these things to enable us both to forget about any future together. Now of course I regret it... NC is impossible because I have children, and when I dropped them off this morning she took ages to answer the door. Obviously had a good late night. Cue tears on the drive to work... **** man... Why does she keep thinking about us again even though I've said a lot of horrible things? She's been with someone else and that is something I don't think I can ever get over in terms of a future for us together. Is it because she thought being single would be great and exciting, has tasted the experience and has realised it's not so fantastic after all? Has she thought she might have made a mistake? Or is she just messing with my head? Am I going to get over this over the next few months only to be messed up all over again when she calls or texts to see if there's any chance? I can barely cope with all this as it is. Just want the pain to stop...
Odyssey Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Hey Nobleguy, if you really wanted out, then don't keep getting sucked back into the drama. I would stop saying all those hurtful things in order to push her away. If fact, i wouldn't say anything at all and go as far as totally ignoring her. From your post, she sounded a tad immature, she's all over the place...and just stringing you along.
Author nobleguy Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Hey Nobleguy, if you really wanted out, then don't keep getting sucked back into the drama. I would stop saying all those hurtful things in order to push her away. If fact, i wouldn't say anything at all and go as far as totally ignoring her. From your post, she sounded a tad immature, she's all over the place...and just stringing you along. Yes she is incredibly immature, more like a teenager than a 28 year old mum of two. Don't think she is coping with this any better than I am to be honest... Unfortunately I have to see her because of the children, but I'm trying to just drop them off or pick them up, talk to them and ignore her.
health Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I would ignore her as much as possible. Remain cordial for the kids. It's hard - forgive - for you, not for her. So you don't walk around angry. She's dammaged goods now. You still have your integrity. Ask yourself what your happy about or could be happy about every day, have real moments with your kids. Look into their eyes. Be an example.
stace79 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I will never understand the men/women who can love or claim to love multiple people at a time. My ex-fiance's ex-girlfriend was exactly like this. She didn't want a commitment, had serious father issues, always needed attention from many men... she kept my ex at arm's length -- always wanted to call him and visit him and act all affectionate when they were alone. But out she wouldn't touch him or kiss him, his friends even said she would tell people they weren't together. She wanted to have her fun and date around. Yet when he met me and we got serious, she all of a sudden couldn't stand it and interfered with us, telling him she changed and now she loved him and wanted a serious relationship. Unfortunately I think you have to find some way to cut HER off, regardless of if she ever wants to come back. Have you spoken with a counselor who can help you with coping skills and forgiveness? You deserve so much better.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 You will definitely have to see a counselor. It will help you sort this out and process these things tremendously. You can't keep the pain to yourself, please do share it with a professional who can help you. That being said, I can't help but wonder what went wrong for your ex. She started to become distant late last year, but that's not when the problem started. That's when the symptoms began to show. There was definitely something she was going through all last year in order for her to react that way. It sounds as if you are in the dark with her, and you were in the dark with her last year - totally didn't see this kind of reaction coming. Maybe you can express yourself now to her, honestly. And just tell her you don't understand why she did this, but you want to understand what went wrong between you two. After an 8 year marriage, and as the mother of your children, tell her that you don't want things to end badly. Make it a point to reach out to her, to be the mature one and do what you have to do to resolve this conflict. See if she can open up to you, and communicate herself to you. Don't lie anymore, tell her you won't judge her, don't get angry with her. Just be open to listening. My point is opening up communication with her, real and honest communication, even if you have to start with an email. Because if you close off real communication with her things will never go right. And you want things to go right... especially because you two will be caring for your children together.
Ronni_W Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 She says too much has gone on and we can never be together, then she hits me with "If you thought we could get back together then you can forget it now..." ..., so yesterday I told her some really hurtful things (that are not true) in order for her to give up on me. Isn't it more about YOU having to give up on her? It seems...are you taking her jealousy and the fact that she still argues with you as signs of her doubts about her "relationship" with you? Because, those can be nothing more than designed to keep you on edge, hoping and wondering. That is, she's using her apparent jealousy and continued participation in the drama to manipulate you and your feelings. In your other post, you said that she, "told me she had someone in mind that she was planning to be with but wanted me as security in case it was a disappointment." And that she'd slept with someone else despite you telling her that would be the deal-breaker as far as you are concerned. I am sorry that you're going through this. It is very difficult, I know. But. Isn't it more about you having to accept that it's over? As MJ says, a counselor can be a tremendous help at a time like this. Sending hugs and healing.
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