casey001 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) Hey I reeeeeeeeeeally need some help right now. I am so shattered on the recent news that my grandma has leukemia. It has taken a MASSIVE toll on me and I have been awake all night crying. What has shattered me the most (besides obviously her suffering) is that I somehow feel this is all my fault for just not being there recently. She doesn't drive so I am really the one who must go and visit her. However in the last few years I have been so busy studying for a degree, training/travelling with my countries sport team and working to support all this that I haven't been there as much as I should have. My family go and see her most Sundays but I work all day Sundays so don't get the chance to go. My parents always tell me I should visit more often but I never seem to find the time. I have been through some hard times in the past two or so years and certain events lead me to become diagonsed with serious depression and be sick for quite some time with that. Part of this depression was just feeling like I couldnt please everyone in my life. I work so dam hard in my life to try and please and get the best out of everything I do but I have failed and neglected to pay more attention to my Grandmother and now she has been diagonised with cancer. Theres nothing I can now do to make up for not being there and I am absolutly shattered. I cant stop crying and I know I will never forgive myself and I will live with this for the rest of my life. How can I cope with this? I feel like I am a terrible, horrible person and to be honest I feel like I dont deserve to live and I should be the one in her position. Edited November 12, 2009 by casey001
Angel1111 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your grandma and her illness. Secondly, I'm certain that she understands because she knows what it's like to be young and to do what you do and have so little time. I'm sure she would've liked to have seen you more but I'm also sure she understands your busy life. Before she dies, be sure you talk to her and tell her exactly what you said here - that you're sorry you didn't visit her more and let her know how much she has meant to you. It's very healing to have these conversations with people we love before they die, and makes it easier to deal with things. Guilt is a very time-consuming emotion and it's very draining on you. You had a right to live your life and to improve it. It's a tough balance sometimes and even though perhaps you could've done it better, you have to remember that you were doing the best you could do at the time. Hindsight is only useful in hindsight. It didn't benefit you when you were immersed in your life. You are one person in your grandmother's long life. And even though you're an important person, just remember that she most likely isn't as focused on this issue as you are. No doubt when she got married and had kids and her life got busy, lots of her friends fell away, and she probably didn't visit her grandparents much either. You're looking at this only from your guilt-ridden perspective and it's skewing reality. Just talk to her and I'm sure you'll lose the guilt and be able to only feel your love for her. Edited November 12, 2009 by Angel1111
quankanne Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 honey, cancer doesn't care if you're the best grandchild in the world or a crappy relative – it works independently of all those things we've got going on in life, because those cells have a certain mission that NOTHING (bar treatment) can stop. So please don't beat yourself up about not having visited your granny as often as you "should have," it would not have changed cancer's mission one whit. instead, look at this as an opportunity to strengthen/deepen your relationship with this woman you love so dearly. Write to her. Call her. Just because you want her to know that even though you might not be able to get out to see her as often as either of you'd like, she's still very much on your mind and in your heart. THAT is what parents and grandparents want from their kids, to know that they're still a part of their life even though there's physical distance between them. most of all, tell your grandma how you feel about not being able to see her as often as you used to. My guess is that because she loves you, she's not going to even see it that way because she understands you've got commitments, but that she's thrilled to hear from you whenever you are able to chat/visit with her. Most grannies are like that, because they are able to see things from a different perspective (personally, I believe it's why so many kids get along better with grandparents than parents, because they're just enough removed to see things more clearly *smile*) in the meantime, know that you and your granny will be in our thoughts and prayers! hugs, q
Ariadne Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 How can I cope with this? I feel like I am a terrible, horrible person and to be honest I feel like I dont deserve to live and I should be the one in her position. Hi, Sorry about your grandmother. What you can do is to start spending time with her. Maybe her illness was a way of waking you up to what is important.
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