Having a Long distance Affair-England/Canada

[oxfordsocks]

I met my married man online and we spoke for 3 months before we met(I booked a ticket about a month after we started talking--felt so strongly for him). We spent 6 days together in england and then he came to Canada about 8 weeks later and then we met in uk another 8 weeks later.

Unfortunatly its been 5 months since we have got together due to his unemployment.

\i am married and both spouses know of affair--mine discovered it--and he told his wife he wanted to separate (seemingly out of the blue) for her--it took him a week to reveal me. We communicated through email me and his wife(as at the end of the week he said he couldn't go through with it--that everything was happening so fast) commitment to kids and his friendship-he said he was so confused and everyone was in such distress he just felt the only thing he could so was just put it all back together. he says his wife will do anything to keep him--and even though he says he no longer lover her like a wife she says its not important because she does.

I have read and seen so many things on married men and their lies etc... but after a week of him trying to be away from me he couldn't stay away and tried to contact me--i finally broke down -he said he never wanted things to go the way they did but the speed of the weeks events with his wife overpowered him(she thought there marriage had just been fine).

Her email to me confirmed that she would use this to help guide the marriage back and help with any problems they have had or had. this email also confirmed that there had still been physical intimacy between them and therefore a STD test was needed--He did one and provided results for me.

(all this was back in July-09) and now since we have been in contact since that time she has discovered that we have been in touch again(found a text) Now she stays up with hiim at night on the couch till he goes to bed so that he can't use the computer to talk to me--and she gets his Dad to come over during the day to "watch him"

He has two older children 16 and 19 and he is having so much trouble trying to resolve being a Dad to his kids but wanting a life with me.

Do you think this could be the real deal? Is he pulling the wool over my eyes and using the kids? The realities are its not like he would be moving to a town next to them--this is a whole country. its been a year now and we are still in contact daily . Do i belive that he loves me and just needs to find the right tiime and way to come or is this just like any other guy in an affair with excuses. My husband wonders what would be the advantage of dragging this out so long--all he has to do is just not answer any mails or callls--not llike i can show up at his door so he thinks his intentions are legitimate he is just having an understandably difficult time..

Not like we meet every week for a booty call either?(although we do participate in the odd web cam session)

I don't want to be used or made stupid believing garbage, but there just seems to be so much bad stuff about affairs. We have just grown apart from each of our spouses--15 and 19 years or marriage for us both---but we don't criticize are spouses to each other or feel we have wasted our time with them--we just believe we have something so very special and different--a connection deeper than we have experienced with our spouses.(he was married at 20) we are both 42 and 41. what do you think is the true story here? Is he making everything up about wife knowing etccc--would a wife really do that stay up to monitor him--get his parents involved(but still apparantly has not told her mother about me) why does she keep hiim around --when this is the second time she has caught him in touch with me. all your answers and opinions are desired!!!

[torranceshipman]

He's completely pulling the wool over your eyes - I am sure that he's totally fabricated this crazy 'I don't love my W, she's nuts, she monitors my internet usage, she makes her dad watch over me' story, just to keep you interested...

 

I mean, c'mon....you even know that they're still sleeping together. I think they have a regular, happy M, but after a few years and a couple of kids, he probably just fancies a bit of an exciting romance on the side. And a distance A is PERFECT, because you can only be there for a vacation here and there, it is easy for him to hide, and you can't ever really push for too much because of the distance.

 

It is also totally obvious why he does it - the big ego boost, and not only that - the fact that it is a completely convenient ego boost: i.e. he controls when he turns his PC on and off, right? You get to stay perfectly in your little box.

 

I'd really dump this guy - it's a road to nowhere...

[Fallen Angel]

My husband wonders what would be the advantage of dragging this out so long--all he has to do is just not answer any mails or callls--not llike i can show up at his door so he thinks his intentions are legitimate he is just having an understandably difficult time..

Not like we meet every week for a booty call either!

 

Okay, I am confused, i know you said your husband found out about the affair, but he is giving you relationship advice about your MM? Can you please clarify the dynamic here for me?

 

Have you and your husband separated?

 

Are you getting divorced?

 

Obviously there is some communication going on between yourself and your H about the intentions of the MM, is it him trying to convince you to give up MM and fix things with him?

 

I really am interested in the dynamics of the whole thing, as it stands I am confused.

 

As to your question, only your MM really knows the truth. But him being so very far away, and pulling away from you whether it is because he is being "baby sat" or because he just wants to slow things down, it is still all up to him. If he wanted to spend time with you, nothing and no one would stop it.

[oxfordsocks]

My husband and I are in the process of separating/divorcing--we were having problems before he found out about the affair--that just sort of confirmed what we needed to do.

I also has been suffering from depression and am trying to go back to work--so we are taking thiings slow--as he wants me to be able to go back to work and sort house and work ect properly not rushed .

part of the depression was the marriage.

My husband has become a sounding board to legitimize things with the person I am having the affair with. This person was not as far down the "separation" road as i was when we first met--but after a year he has progressed that way too.

I guess i read and see so much bull crap from the men that i fear i am just being dragged along with this person--I don't want to think like that and I don't want to be made a fool of--but with so much out there pessimistic i can't help it--and to be honest we seem to connect so well(me and the man in England) and i love him so much and vica versa.

so my husband has expressed his interest as he doesn't want me to get hurt.

Married man and I had a week break in July when he told his wife he wanted separated --and a whole week went by from the announcement of that--to finally telling her about me--then when he did he said it destroyed her(the wife) and his friendship side of him just couldn't do that to her--not yet--he says she is not as strong and independant like me.She can support herself financially and everything happened so quick he said that it kind of blew his confidence seeing her devastated and kids upset etcc thinking Dad was leaving. He said his goodbyes to me as he didn't want me to wait around for him to break free nor feel i was second best(he couldn't believe she still wanted him back after admittiing and felt he had to give her another chance).

I saw him in England in Feb-he came to Canada in April and we both met in Scotland in June--July we broke for about 2 weeks--then he every day after about 4 days contacted me every day--part of the contact was for an STD test results that i had requested.

When he broke it off with me--i got scared and emailed his wife on Facebook---i got an answer the nest day---Married man had claimed his wife worked in hospital with blood and that she was tested every three months standard---part of my email was to confirm if they had been "physical" between his visit in Canada and my visit to Scotland. He had said there had been no contact in the 8 weeks between visits --she emailed back saying that "she thought" there had been --not like usual but mayb ea few times(but get this--she was counting weeks --but skipping the week of her period(as that didn't count inthe abstinence nor hhis time away for work purposes) He has never said a bad word about her to me. Just that love died and grew apart and that happiness for him has not been in his life for 7-10 years. They have been married 19. I even thought maybe he might have responded to the email i sent(monitoring for my contact) I admit i got paranoid and scared that i had been used. But i rationalize that it wasn't him because if it was he would have confirmed no sexual contact so as to avoid anytesting. I had already been tested before we ever met for the first time.

So anyways, my husband cant understand why this person would continue the daily contact --and now he got caught Oct 23 with my text left of his phone that i had sent him(and that is rare for me to do) but i was away and I had asked him to text me for a morning additional wake up call.

My husband thinks that yes--this women is trying to do everything in her power to keeep him. He is obviously afraid to get caught(which concerns me) hiding me--but i do understand about the daughter issue--however part of me would hope that he would move out anyway--he says that if it wasn't for me he would stay---as he says that he could live "miserrable" for his kids sake.

I hate that they still sleep together in the same bed--but when i started the affair i was in same bed as husband too--and actually now that we have decided to separate--married man says he can do the act with his wife but does not feel it(he says they have been together5 times since July 11-once my husband i decided to sleep in different rooms we have been intimate(once on my sons birthday-it was a great day ) and a few other times-but we say its (need) no emotion just physical need.

He is in touch by yahoo as much durin gday as he can and we calll each other too--myhusband just can't believe this guys would go through all this--and come to Canada for just a fling--

He said it would be so easy to just say goodbye to me and leave it at that--he says this guys seems understandably torn --

so that is the dynamic between me and my husband about the married guy I am talking about--I haven't seen him by the way i 5 months as he lost his job in September so not like he can just up and leave for a weekend--althugh i have offered to come over there --even just to see him for an afternoon.

(obviously it would have to be close to his are though--which is risky)

we said we would see eachother by end of November even if he didn't have a job and he woud think of something--so far i have not been given any go ahead on that thought yet.

They say go with your gutt---my gutt says a lot these days--cheater/liar(but i am a good person and cheated-doesn't make me a liar about other things) the contact is too steady for nothing---and being together is amazing--you can't fake that---those looks, the connection--he said if i lived there he would leave his spouse and live with me and be close to his kids(but i can't go as my kids are 10 and 13) although don't think i havn'et thought about it.

He has never told anyone about me until his wife found the text--coincidently the weekend his brother was coming up from somewhere in the south of England(he also separated from his wife two days before Christmas)he finally opened up to his brother and said he told him all about me--how he felt--how he felt about his wife-kids-house etc....

Now how and why wouls someone go to all these lengths to keep making up these stories??? I can't let this love go--it is bigger than anything i have known.

I don't want love to blind me though.

[jennie-jennie]

He probably truly loves you, but will he leave his wife, that is a completely different matter.

[torranceshipman]

This is such a trainwreck....I don't believe he ever left his W in the first place, and if he did, well, he had his one chance at freedom and decided he didn't want it-he wanted W back. Why stick around for this? A MM who went back to his W, and who lives on the other side of the planet?

[jennie-jennie]

This is such a trainwreck....I don't believe he ever left his W in the first place, and if he did, well, he had his one chance at freedom and decided he didn't want it-he wanted W back. Why stick around for this? A MM who went back to his W, and who lives on the other side of the planet?

 

The world is small nowadays and long distance relationships are not uncommon even in the world of extramarital relationships. Long distance does add yet a troublesome aspect to the EMR, but it does not make it impossible.

 

And what do you mean "one chance at freedom"? Where did you get that from? The guy is in the throws of indecision as are many MM.

[Fallen Angel]

oxford hun,

I do not want you to think I have forgotten you, or I am ignoring you. Your situation is so complicated.. I am still trying to decide what I think about it before I give my views... very complicated....

[Chrome Barracuda]

To the OP so is this one big game that you do, chase after married men to prove to yourself you can seduce them or entice them from others, is this your MO in life???

 

Kinda pathetic, dont you think? You willingly searched out a married man for an affair and yet it denotes something inner, you went after a married man either for the challenge your doing it because you know he'll never be committed to you completely thus reinforcing those lovelorn thoughts about how your supposed to be together?

 

Kinda pathetic... You treat your marriage and your life like a game.

 

Bottom line he isnt leaving his wife for the unknown variable!

[torranceshipman]

By 'one chance of freedom' I was beig sarcastic....i.e. if the M was as bad as he felt it was, and he loved the OP as much as he said, leaving the W was a chance for freedom from his current situation and he didn't take it. I.e. he never left her. And LDR's....sure they're hard, I've been in one, and they need a hell of a lot more work than this to stand a chance (that's provided the 2 people in the R are serious and one isn't already M and lying to the other person, which is the case here).

 

You say the MM is 'just in the throes of indecision' as if that's an excuse! He hasn't left the W, he isn't going to commit to this woman, and it's wrong to keep encouraging her to hold on to this and throwing her life away for a married guy thousands of miles away who blatantly isn't going to leave his W for her. I'm i no way flaming anyone, or trying to be mean - I genuinely see a train wreck here and it seems blatant, and I don't want this woman to lose herself and get even more depressed in this no-win situation...

[jennie-jennie]

Torrance, if you are going to quote me, please do it correctly. I said "in the throws of indecision", not "just in the throws of indecision".

 

I too warned her that her MM might very well never leave his wife. I am just presenting things realistically as I see them. There are many EMRs out there which simultaneously are LDRs. I think the OP has the right to hear different perspectives on her issue to be able to make a decision of her own.

 

I too have experience of LDRs.

[Lucky_One]

I think she did quote your intent - she just corrected your spelling.

[jennie-jennie]

I think she did quote your intent - she just corrected your spelling.

 

LOL I am usually excellent at spelling. I learnt something here today then.

 

No, she did not quote my intent, because it was not my intent to say that it was "just" in the throes of indecision. That was something she read into my words which was not there at all. Thus if you use quotation marks the rule is you have to quote the exact words and not add words which are not there.

[torranceshipman]

I think she did quote your intent - she just corrected your spelling.

 

Lol

 

Jennie-jennie, are you an OW? I can see how you might get defensive over my statements if you are-I got the feeling you were being a bit defensive...it's easier for me to be objective as I'm not in an A, and have no vested interest in trying to see things in a positive light.

 

I also agree....everyone has different opinions, and the OP has the right to hear all of them, so no harm in us having differing opinions here...but I still stand by the fact that this seems like one big trainwreck. He has already lied to her, he has a W and he can only see her once every few months...someone would have to have pretty low expectations of life and of a man to put up with his type of misery.

[jennie-jennie]

Lol

 

Jennie-jennie, are you an OW? I can see how you might get defensive over my statements if you are-I got the feeling you were being a bit defensive...it's easier for me to be objective as I'm not in an A, and have no vested interest in trying to see things in a positive light.

 

I also agree....everyone has different opinions, and the OP has the right to hear all of them, so no harm in us having differing opinions here...but I still stand by the fact that this seems like one big trainwreck. He has already lied to her, he has a W and he can only see her once every few months...someone would have to have pretty low expectations of life and of a man to put up with his type of misery.

 

Has he lied to her? I must have missed that. Can you point me to it?

 

Yes, I am an OW. And you are a former OW. From what I have seen from your posts you are not objective either. We are all affected by our pasts.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Where on the internet did you meet him? If you met him on a dating or philandering site, the chances of you being the only OW are pretty slim. They are pretty slim for any kind of site, actually. You and he 'know' each other but for all intents and purposes you are actually strangers who have met each other a couple of times. Why would he give up the life he has for someone he has spent less than a month with in person?

 

You were on the way out, and he clearly wasn't regardless of what he told you. If a MM isn't on the way out anyway the chances of him leaving are slim to none. It sounds to me like he wants an affair, not a divorce.

 

What to do? If you don't want to be OW, then refuse to be and make that clear to him. If you want to keep him, then you will continue to be OW.

 

Until he shows up on your doorstep divorced, and his entirely family knows and knows why - then you really can't trust anything he says. Only what he does.

[fooled once]

I have to agree with most of the others, this screams of TRAINWRECK.

 

OP, if he was going to leave, he would.

 

You emailed his wife??? Kinda ballsy aren't you?

 

I guess SHE is fighting for her husband; which is her right as wife.

 

You are being told one thing by him and I bet she is being told another thing. Many MM are known liars. Don't be surprised if you find out he has been lying to you.

 

He is still having sex with his wife too huh? LOL Yeah, he wants out real bad If his marriage was as unhappy as he claims to you, he would NOT be having sex with his wife.

 

If I were you - I would stop contacting him and stop using him as an alarm clock for you. IF he really is going to leave his wife, back off and let him leave his wife.

 

wait and see if he comes to you.......

[OWoman]

I must confess, I don't see any compelling evidence here to picture him leaving - or at least, not leaving with a view to moving country and starting a whole new life.

 

Without wanting to denigrate anyone, what I pick up is two unhappy people - unsatisfactory marriage, job loss, clinical depression - seeking comfort to help their suffering and finding it in each other. That's nice, as far as it goes - but not the basis for a sustainable relationship. Any relationship forged from a position of "weakness" (when one is at a low point, rather than feeling strong and healthy) runs the risk of co-dependency, and I think the power dynamics here look very problematic. Add to that the complications added by the "virtuality" of much of the R, the distance, the children and EVEN if his M was as bad as he reports, I'd still have doubts about the sustainability of the R.

 

Which is not to say it's impossible - just that, on what's been presented here, I don't see much evidence to suggest a likely outcome of "happily ever after" for Oxford and her UK dude.

 

(This posted as a fOW whose LDR did work out successfully, in that the fOW and fMM are now H and W)

[Fallen Angel]

I have to agree with OW on this one. Things just don't look too good for the long term of this relationship.

 

There seem to be so many things working against "happily ever after". And this time the marriage isn't even the biggest obstacle. The fact that you are so far apart geographically is probably the biggest barrier.

 

It is not that it can not be overcome, but that the outcome of any future relationship the two of you may have is uncertain (as in any relationship) and any chance you two may have would require one of you to move half way around the globe just to TRY and see if you can make it work. The fear that he would do all of that and then it not work out has to be a terrifying thought! And for someone who is having difficulty deciding if he REALLY wants to leave his marriage or not, I don't think he is emotionally strong enough to take such a huge step.

 

He would not be leaving just his wife, he would be leaving his children, his freinds, and I would guess his whole extended family as well. Perhaps he needs to spend some time focusing on his marriage, "give the good old college try" as they say, and if it fails, divorce and live on his own for a time before you and he plan any kind of future.

 

I think you need more than a morning wake up call, and I think maybe perhaps you and your own H should consider MC and IC before making the final divorce decision. He seems to love you very much, if he is willing to hear you talk about your love for someone else, and try and give you his honest advice and express his concern. He sounds like a great guy and someone who could be your best friend.

 

If you don't mind my asking, what happened with you and your husband to decide to end things?

[oxfordsocks]

I have read all the posts and thank you its good to see all the opinions and ideas. We are all different with different experiences and past experiences to bring to the plate.-

I have swung from letting myself trust in myself and love and the fact that i went to England from Canada as i felt so strong--from this guy is just like every other sleazy married guy.

I guess that makes me a sleezy married woman --I never would have thought i could be in this position and had the desire to step outside my marriage-but life changes--people do change and life does wear you down.

I beleive yes--that part of my depression was the unhappiness of being with someone day in and day out (and him to) that just seemed to rub each other the wrong way--all the time---

This marriage was in trouble for a long time and we both new it--but we did both lose interest and with that came the lose of love , respect etc..

I believe when I married that i loved my husband with all my heart--I have the pictures and the video to proove that(it took me 4 months to decide to marry my husband and we have had 15 years of good times but a lot of imperfect ones too--but the strain was effection our children and has.

However since my husband discovered the affair thiings have been better-he wants me to be happy and i want him to be happy too--with someone who loves him the way I feel about this UK guy. I know that there is lots of types of love. i think I married my husband because he was a safe choice and the first one in a long list of duds that did all the right things--was secure -but from the very first week i met him (there wasn't a huge attraction)

I thought it would follow or i was being hesitant(gun shy) but that part of us never really flourished. That is a huge part of compatibility in a marriage I think--but i over looked it--see next thread for more...

[oxfordsocks]

I am overwhelmed at how i feel for this person in england--but this weekend i decided (Sat morning) to tell him that I needed to let him go as it was becoming to painful to not have any movement from him--meaning starting to make the adjustments morer visable to his wife--and my husband truely does know everything--he really believes this guy is for real and that he is struggling. Myhusband just can't see the reason this guy would go to so much effort to drag me through all of this for what? 5 months of talking.

Anyways I told mm that I needed also to let him go as I felt that the decision to leave his family was selfish of me and although the toughest thing to do I had to do it--for his happiness above mine. when i nabbed him online we started to talk and than i had said i need to let you go---he said he couldn't --and then he signed out I thought his wife was near and he signed out--this is what i received today:

 

i am writing here as i want to say something before i see any offline messages (if any) from you from yesterday.

I left very quickly, and i do apologise for that - there was no reason to leave at all and i shouldn't have, emotion got the better of me and i slammed the laptop lid when i saw the last two messages, there were something like "I am going to have to let you go" "in the future get in touch with me" (not correct wording but something like that.

 

I have thought of nothing but you since, i have tried to fill the last two days, but no other thoughts but you.

 

You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

I do understand what you are doing, and i am overawed at how you can do it, it is the most unselfish thing i have ever seen from anyone, and it is directed towards me - i am absolutely taken aback.

 

Today i got up and went on the bike (sorry for 'sneaking it in yet again (50 mile)), i have tried to write this note all the way on that ride.

 

This past year has been the worst of my life - being apart from you.

And also it has been the best, meeting you, getting to know you, and being with you.

 

I can see these last couple of weeks have been very testing for you, me being around less, and all your dealings over there.

 

All i want to do most days is hold you.

 

i am not sure what happens to me around you, when we are together i feel so good so strong and the world is fantastic, moments like this one right now i feel so useless and weak. I have never felt weak or useless in my life (maybe small moments - but not like this.

 

I have been honest and open with you, i have spoken to you on all matters in more depth than i have spoke with anyone, to be quite right about this i have probably spoke more in depth with you than i have thought about many things.

 

I have no idea what will happen now, i am not even going to guess your yahoo messages - i deserve a great big tiraid for leaving (and you said you were venting too - so you may have carried on as i left so abruptly).

 

Something needed to change, a visit, a meeting something - and it should have been me instigating it.

 

Your were asked a question, what would you do if he just turned up (by your mother)- pretty hard one to answer (although my heart is screaming at me to do that i would not for two reasons - 1, i would never drop myself onto you and 2, i need to leave here in a way my head and conscience is at least in one piece - or i would be no use to us.)

 

I am starting to ramble now, this past 12 months (almost exactly) as i said have been wonderful.

 

I love you , i can't and won't stop that.

 

I hope you do not hate me.

 

on a separate note, You have stirred something in me other than us, you asked me what i wanted to do in my life, this silly idea of riding across Canada has stuck!

Yes i would look you up (of course i would), my rough route at the moment runs near --- - Although i want it to still do that - one word from you and i would change it if you asked.

You are a huge part of me now, i don't want to lose you.

 

From my head and my Heart

I Love you

XXX

it is now 3:40 pm on sunday, i am going to make myself busy for 10mins - then come back and look at Yahoo.

X

(i wanted to write so much more, i hope you understand from this you are such a wonderful, loving, amazing person - X)

 

So people --just more trappings of the married man relationship?

[Lucky_One]

I must have missed something in the reading - because what did he say? He loves you? He has had a good and a bad year? He should have done something?

 

So definitely rambling, as he said, but he didn't really SAY anything. And even if he did, words are simply words; actions are what accomplish change.

[OWoman]

i am not sure what happens to me around you, when we are together i feel so good so strong and the world is fantastic, moments like this one right now i feel so useless and weak. I have never felt weak or useless in my life (maybe small moments - but not like this.

 

ZOMG another weak, useless man...

 

Believe him. It's probably the one thing he's actually capable of being realistic about right now.

 

So, if you're prepared to take in a 'weak, useless" man so that he can feel "so good, so strong, the world is fantastic" then go ahead - but be prepared to become trapped in a co-dependent and manipulative R rather than a healthy one.