someonesangel Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Most know we have been in LC and trying to maintain a friendship from a distance. We decided this just about two weeks ago..... well, looks like I am ready for the final stage. The "light on" was a work related plan I am developing, mentioned it and he said would be happy to input, help. He is the top of his field in that particular area and as a small business owner no question would benefit from it, I also still respect his talents and would truly love his imput. But it was like "how"... on our FB page - we can't email,text, phone... go for lunch to discuss..... so how, really? I am sure it was a mix of frustration as I was also in the process of creating a video/DVD of all our photo's in order to move them from my computer. Before I get blasted... I couldn't just hit delete, I have tried, so this was a way to compartmentalize it and put it where it belongs, in a box with the rest of the things. Anyway, it got me to thinking...... What do I want from this? Do I want him back?? I could only even consider it if he walked out first, and fully by choice - His W ending it would not work for me, and the reality is if either do it, I believe it will be her. That would never work for me as I would always wonder.... so the truth is not going to happen. Do I want a friendship? Yes, I do. I love him, I respect his work and him ( again, please don't) and he does make my life better in many ways other than the "relationship" ways. The problem with this, it's impossible. It is far to "at his whim". Not a real friendship where we can call each other and say " hey, I had an idea, got a minute" or share success about our companies.... SOOOO, it isn't good enough for me. I can't seem to let go of two things, him outright lying to her the night we were together (first time I had ever heard him lie and I know if I was on the other end of the phone, I would have believed him too, not a hesitation) and two... she is still withholding things like seeing me and being visually upset. She never told him, I did.... right away because that is our relationship....but I don't see a lot of improvement there and I see ( again, what I can physically see of them together and apart) that they have gone into "keeping the boat stable". So, I told him it wasn't enough, that if they choose to lie to each other, and are both happy with that, I am truly happy for them. I will never personally believe they will get past the lies, multiple years and I do believe ( right or wrong) that their relationship is what it is, and will continue to be just that. And I told him that no matter what happens now, I can't go back as much as I love him, as much I wish I could..... I just can't and because we can't truly share a friendship, there is nowhere from here. He responded today much calmer than I had anticipated and said he was sorry that I thought it was one-sided and that he agreed with many insights and disagreed with others. And that we should for a the last time sit down and discuss our NC. NC is kinda tricky for us, and I have already told him we will both have to sacrafice in order for it to happen, that being said he also knows it isn't a negotiation. I give up, and in turn he gives up. If he loves/respects me at all, he will honor it and not show up somewhere he shouldn't be. It really sucks that it got to this, but I just didn't see another way and regardless of what I think about him continuing to lie ( almost sure it is something he would argue.... he just doesn't get it) and the big red flag of them being "healed" from 10 years of lies and an affair .... it doesn't matter now. It could all fall apart 6 months or a year from now and I still could not go back..... I noticed another thread ( Alpha-female) getting a little ribbed because of her "anger" now " emotion" .... please understand that OW are no different than BS. We go through stages....just like you do It may be a little different but I think it is more similar than we believe 1. Try to hold on with everything we have, natural instincts, not wanting to "lose". 2. Blaming ourselves for it failing ( either the BS or OW) 3. Anger... for the OW throwing the kitchen sink at them in emails/texts and coming close to looking like bunny boilers. The BS losing her mind when he puts the toilet seat down and just going off. 4. Negotiating, still trying to find a way to make it work, negotiating with not only with MM but also oursleves, " I can make this work, I still love him" "The trust will come back" " We can do this, this way" 5. Acceptance for the OW, closing the door and still being months from healing and for the BS waking up and realizing that through 1-4 they aren't even sure they know or want the MM anymore.... and much like the OW...spending months finally starting to heal. It sucks for each and everyone of us, and I realized that the one person who had it easiest was HIM. Not roses but a long shot from the pain the OW/BS feels when things finally explode.
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