Is my Ex a commitment-phobe?

[Taucher]

Hello everyone. I would like you professional opinions on whether you think my ex is a commitment-phobe.

 

Hold on, it's going to be a long (and slightly boring) ride.

 

We met in Sep 2002. I was with someone else but I thought this new one was the most beautiful amazing woman I had ever clapped my eyes onto.

 

My gf at the time dumped me in Jan 2004. Her bf dumped her about the same time. We got closer at work, started hanging out after work. Clubs in centre of London till 2AM on a Tuesday! Madness. So the sex started, it was amazing. Colleagues didnt know what we were doing, which was exciting. Flirty texts at work, she would go red when I came over to speak to her.

 

We started going out properly. Over the next year, she dumped me 3 times. The first time, was during our first date. We stayed friends and still had sex. 2 months later, we were back going out. This lasted a week: she dumped me again. She wasn't sure. We still spoke on the phone every evening. Still had sex once a week. She called me her best friend. We went out again, lasted a week. Then she got a new job. We emailed every day and met up every week or so. When she emailed me, she would tell me about a man she was dating. I HATED this. She asked me one night to come to a club where she was with her friends, I got in a cab and went straight there. When I met her, she introduced me to her BOYFRIEND. I was hurt and shocked. But at the end of the night he went to his and I went to hers and we had sex. She dumped him the next day.

 

Then, for some reason, I didnt see her for 6 months, but we still emailed daily.

 

Then, in May 2005 she called me, she was in my area, would I like to meet with her. I said no. I had had enough and was dating someone else. She got upset, said she was coming to mine. I said I was going out, I went out. She then started bombarding me with texts about meeting up. I said no.

 

One day, she asked if I wanted to meet her, I said YES (I still loved her after all). She told me she wanted me to kiss her and she wants me and no one else ever again. We started going out. This time was different. She told me she loved me in a car park. We then did everything together. 3 months later, she told me she was not sure about us because her best friend thought I was gay. Apparantly because I have blonde hair. I was angry at this, we stayed together.

 

We had 4 years of the best relationship ever. She was the most soppy and attentive and loving girl I had ever met. We moved in together after 2 years. Did everything together. She wrote me the nicest love letters, left them on the fridge, posted them to my work, hid them in my pants (not ones I was wearing at the time, in my pants drawer).

 

So, to summerise: -

 

• She dumped me 3 times at the beginning. Each time I was heart broken.
  
• She threatened to dump me once because her friend thought I might be gay.
  
• She only really committed to us when I started to ignore her.
  

Also: -

 

• She is 30 now. She has 5 exes before me. One she was engaged too. None lasted more than 2 years.
  
• When talking about her exes, she blamed them for the break ups, making accusations which her friends told me were mostly not true.
  
• She dropped out of Uni. Has never had the same job for more than 2 years.
  

So, is she a commitment-phobe?

 

And thanks for reading.

 

T

[Ronni_W]

Hey T.

If she is or if she isn't, how would that mitigate your pain or any other feeling that you've experienced or will experience?

 

I think sometimes we look for character flaws or mental defects in our former partners under the misguided impression that finding that will somehow lessen our own suffering and/or increase our self-confidence and esteem.

 

But that just runs the risk of then having to ask one's self, "How was I so blind and stupid to get involved with a commitment phobe / narcissist / deranged / psychotic freak?"

 

And that just brings more pain and less self-confidence and esteem. No?

 

Lots of hugs.

[mickleb]

Heya Tauch.

 

I'm going to go with a 'yes' but I suggest you read 'He's Scared, She's Scared'.

 

Without understanding this dynamic, I couldn't have healed as well as I have (so far). It was driving me crazy trying to figure the crazy out. I had to admit to SOME active and passive CP behaviour my history, and have found this helpful in accepting my role in the last relationship, and learning what not to do in the present/future.

 

The thing with CP, from my perspective, is to learn about it. If you honestly address/analyse the points made in the above book, you will have your answer. If your ex is a CP and you never find that out, for yourself, IMHO you will carry so many questions with you that she could end up haunting you.

 

Your ability to allow her behaviour suggests you could be passive CP. If you are (and she is) you will probably hang onto her, in some way for years - unless you address the issue by understanding what this is.

 

Hope this makes sense and is helpful.

 

x

[Taucher]

Hey T.

If she is or if she isn't, how would that mitigate your pain or any other feeling that you've experienced or will experience?

 

Hi Ronni,

 

I'm not looking to mitigate any pain I am feeling. Wether she is or isn't does not change anything now. I am asking beacause I am just...interested. I AM looking for (possible) answers but more as a way of informing my future than explaining my past

 

I think I have always be abit naive in relationships, always thought they were easy and could not understand why people found them hard. I never realised that people were so complicated. I am sadder than I have ever been but I also feel wiser and I think this is because I now question things...and myself.

 

I think sometimes we look for character flaws or mental defects in our former partners under the misguided impression that finding that will somehow lessen our own suffering and/or increase our self-confidence and esteem.

 

I thnk you are right here and there is a bit of this in me, this feeling that I want to know about my ex and her "flaws" so that it makes me feel better about myself. I cant see anything bad with that though. If I have to see her in a bad light to feel better about myself, then thats ok? Because the alternative is to blame myself for ever. The truth does not matter anymore. What I think about her and what she thinks about me does not matter now, and unless we get back together, will never matter again.

 

Heya Tauch.

 

I'm going to go with a 'yes' but I suggest you read 'He's Scared, She's Scared'.

 

Without understanding this dynamic, I couldn't have healed as well as I have (so far). It was driving me crazy trying to figure the crazy out. I had to admit to SOME active and passive CP behaviour my history, and have found this helpful in accepting my role in the last relationship, and learning what not to do in the present/future.

 

The thing with CP, from my perspective, is to learn about it. If you honestly address/analyse the points made in the above book, you will have your answer. If your ex is a CP and you never find that out, for yourself, IMHO you will carry so many questions with you that she could end up haunting you.

 

Your ability to allow her behaviour suggests you could be passive CP. If you are (and she is) you will probably hang onto her, in some way for years - unless you address the issue by understanding what this is.

 

Hope this makes sense and is helpful.

 

x

 

Hello mic yes makes total sense and of course is helpful. I bought that book actually, about a month ago (someone recommended it on here) but I havent got past the first chapter yet. I will try again.

 

Passive CP is very possibly me. Although I am not totally sure what it means. I remember the book said something about CP people finding each other. But I am a passive person in lots of ways unfortunately but that is something I want to change.

 

If I do learn about myself, and I run the risk of this situation happening for the rest of my life, is it easy to change? I worry about that.

 

I suppose I should be concentrating more on what I am rather than what she is, but it's hard to see myself truthfully I think. And she used to call me a commitment phobe all the time.

 

Take care.

 

T

[Ronni_W]

Hey T.

I get where you're coming from. I just think...finding the "best/most appropriate" label for the ex doesn't really help to inform your future. I mean, let's say, yes, your ex IS a "commitment phobe". But, unless the next one comes with a big 'I'm a commitment phobe' sticker on her forehead, how would having "properly" labeled your ex help you in your new relationship?

 

Or. Let's say your ex had come complete with such a sticker...what would you have done differently, on your part, in your former relationship? I think there may be more practical learning in examining it from a perspective of self.

 

OTOH. What if one of your (possible) answers is simply that you were naive when it comes to relationships and how complicated people really are? There's no need to blame yourself for it, IMO...rather to just accept it as one of the factors that likely contributed to the relationship breakdown in one or another, small or big, way. It wasn't JUST her or JUST you; it was the delightful combination of crap that you EACH brought to the table. That's how it always is.

 

Acceptance instead of self-blame also puts YOU in power to choose, control and direct if, when and how you're going to replace your naivety with some solid education, knowledge, wisdom and insight. But just examining, labeling and blaming her leaves you powerless; a victim of externals and other people's flaws and psychological crap.

 

, this feeling that I want to know about my ex and her "flaws" so that it makes me feel better about myself. ... The truth does not matter anymore.

To me, nah...negative advertising is not such a great thing. If the only way you can get yourself to buy "Product Me" is by slamming "Product Her"...I'm just not seeing that as an effective, long-term strategy for high self-confidence and esteem.

 

I do think, though, that the truth about who YOU are and how YOU do your side of relationships does matter, and will always matter. But that's about what you think of and about yourself; how you see yourself. I think, why not find out what is good and positive about YOU, and just feel better-great about that? That way it's permanent; it can't be reduced or eliminated by anyone else. (It does, however, require you to also acknowledge and accept your own flaws and "shadow" parts. The trick is to KNOW that you are wonderful even with whatever are your flaws and weaknesses.)

 

I'm not familiar with the book that mickleb suggested, but there could also be some self-learning if you explored what about it made it difficult for you to get past the first chapter. As in, maybe it was hitting too close to home? Which might lend some insight into why you're focusing on examining your ex for "flaws"...maybe it's just more comfortable than having to come face-to-face with some of your own?

 

Not that there's anything "wrong" with that. But there is also power in knowing what you're not yet ready to face, about your own self. It becomes a conscious decision to not look, and all consciousness is good consciousness. Yes?

 

Feels like I've been writing for a loonggg time...sorry for the lengthy post.

Edited November 15, 2009 by Ronni_W
grammar