puppydog Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 ...because I "kept" walking out on him. My ex and I (we're both 28) have been together for 3.5 years. We had our share of ups and downs. We argued but we resolved issues that came up. We broke up a couple times in the past, but it was one of those breakup, but get back together the next day kind of things. He apparently considers those "walking out" too. Awhile back, he got knee surgery (ACL repair) and for the two months he was home, pretty much bed-bound, I nursed him back. My day started and ended with him, I helped him take a shower, packed his bags, drove him to school and back. Some days his mom and I took turns driving to school and back. I stayed with him as much as I could apart from the time that I was working or going to school. During that time, I got tired one day and got really upset at him because he was whining and being a big baby. I packed my bag and walked out of his bedroom...only to walk back in less than 5 seconds later. I apologized for walking away, but he says I walked out on him. I mean c'mon, really? In the heat of the moment, I didn't want to say or do anything I regretted so I walked away. Shouldn't the fact that I came back immediately count for something? Another scenario. I was busy studying one day and couldn't spare a moment. He drove to my house and said to come out. I told him I was too busy. He said to come out for 5 minutes, which I did. He had brought some food to drop off, but he was really upset/pissed. I tried to initiate some conversation but he didn't want to hear it. He was just cold and unbending. So I got upset. Without another word, I got out of the car and walked back into the house. He drove off, tires screeching. I called him 15 minutes later asking where he was. He was driving around. I told him to come back to my place. We talked and made up. I apologized for getting upset and walking away. He said he forgave me. It turns out later when we broke up, that he still thinks that I walked out on him in this situation. Towards the beginning of October '09, I asked him for a break to just think about us. There was a couple issues I needed to think about about. I realize now that my mistake was that I should have included him in my thinking processes. He agreed that he'd give me a break of two months and that I could call him whenever I wanted to talk to him. Two weeks into the break, I called him, and he was already acting like we had broken up. He said his heart was broken and that trying to live the last 2 weeks without me was the hardest thing he's ever had to do. I didn't mean the break to be a soft rejection. I sincerely wanted to think about "us" without him always being around. To separate my feelings and emotions and look at us from a logical perspective. After some time had passed, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be with him and that he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Up until the 2 year mark, I was 100% sure, but for the past year I had doubts and was a bit scared especially when we started talking about engagement and marriage. I needed to make sure that he was what I wanted 100%. When I approached him to tell him that I wanted to get back together, he said that he was too hurt and heartbroken and that he needed some time to heal. We agreed fine. I'd give him time to heal and he'd give me time to think some more so that I'd be completely sure about us. I called him a couple days later and he was out to lunch. I had to practically drag out every single piece of information (he was having lunch. at home? no. are you out? yes. are you eating lunch by yourself? no. are you eating lunch with someone? yes.) So you can imagine by that time I was getting pretty frustrated. He has always been open with me, I never had to drag information out of him. So I told him I'd just talk to him later, and hung up. So when the mind is hurt, it finds ways to vent. I went home and started packing away things that reminded me of him. Silly I know. Pictures, stuffed animals, gifts we had exchanged. I ended up blogging about how hurt I felt and that maybe it was just time to move on; that I deleted his phone numbers. Why wait around, right? But apparently he read my blog that day and got really hurt. He said after he realized that I erased him from existence, it closed the door on our relationship. He knows I memorized his phone number. We talked a couple days later and it was then that I realized what had happened. I beat myself over the head even to this day to have posted something like that out of anger. I'm just wondering why he doesn't keep that in consideration. When we've been angry or mad at each other, we've both done things out of anger...and understood on some level that it was just spite talking. Why is he holding on to such a small thing such as this? I understand that words hurt and I apologized profusely for it. He says he accepts my apology. He writes: "I want to believe her. No, I do believe her. I know she's sorry. Despite the tremendous lack of trust in my heart to her words now, I do believe her. I believe in her sincerity when she says she's sorry. But it doesn't help. My heart still hurts. Immensely. No, I lie. Maybe it does help. It does seem to make a dent in the blackness. But it's not nearly enough. And I don't know what would be. Despite it all, my heart wants to take those words at face value. My head has heard the words. It's processed them. And maybe in time, my heart will hear those words and accept them." So be it as it may, by this time, I have apologized profusely. Unendingly so. The next day, I went over to his place and we talked for several hours. I'm not proud to admit it, but I ended up crying, no...more like bawling and begged him for a second chance. He says he didn't know what he wanted anymore. He says his heart just felt broken, like it was lifeless. So after some more discussion, I asked him if he was willing to let me walk away. Because it was his choice now. He could either let me walk away, or he could grab me and ask me to wait for him. He eventually grabbed my hand and said he wanted me to wait for him. We hugged and both cried in each other's arms. He kept saying, why did we have to go through this for you to realize that you loved me. Why?? Two weeks later, it turns out that he needs more time. Time to heal. He says: "I feel hurried. When I talk about time, I wonder, how much time? I self imposed a deadline of two weeks. What do I hope to accomplish in those two weeks? I don't know. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I want. Just based on this issue alone, I want to ask her for time. Time apart, time for me to heal. Time for me to find myself again, to become whole. But I don't know how much time that would be. Do I need a month? Two months? Six months? A year? And where's the guarantee that time will even change anything? There is none. And no matter how selfish I want to be, I know this isn't fair. I'm not going to ask for more time because it's not fair. I don't expect her to wait indefinitely for me to heal. I don't expect her to wait forever in the hopes that my heart will come around and learn to love again. And a part of me fears that during this time, she'll find somebody better than me who'll love her more, and that by the time I come around, she won't be around." That was written October 26. We have since broken up. He wants to remain friends. For a week, I didn't talk to him, but we see each other at church every Sunday so there's no way around until the end of this month. After a housewarming part this past Friday, I had a bit too much wine to drink. After I got home, I called him and we talked for two hours. I had crashed on my friend's bed from my buzz-stupor. He left along with everyone else. One of my girlfriends ended up waking me up. He said that he was worried about me because "after all, we're friends, right?" To be honest, I was hurt by that comment. After some time, I asked him why we couldn't be together. He said it was that he just got fed up. I kept walking out on him. In my head I was screaming (What are you talking about??) I don't understand why he would consider the knee surgery incident and the car argument as "walking out on him." Aren't that all normal parts of fights? You argue, you bicker, you leave the room...but you don't REALLY leave. He also told me that night that he wants me to find a guy who will really love me. He said he was too angry and bitter to care right now....but that he also missed me a lot. I'm angry at myself for having begged a second time, but I resolved that I would never go the third time. I threw my pride out the window and a part of me thinks that if it's all meant to be in the end, it will work out, there are plenty of fish in the sea. But I'm really sad. I really do love him. I know that together, we can be really happy. We both made our share of mistakes. But are petty arguments like this really worth breaking up over? Do I just need to give him his time and space to figure it out? I saw him this past Sunday and I just smiled at him in passing but I didn't say hello. I usually do not stay friends with ex's because there's no point. I don't want to settle for second best if I can't get what I want. Plus if he were to end up dating someone else, it would hurt too much. The reason why I asked for the break was because in the beginning of our relationship, we had a messy situation where he didn't protect me from something. He was a very bad filter and as a result, I got severely burned. He knows how much I went through because of that...I literally cried buckets for a couple months, and I was very sensitive, if not skittish because of that. When we broke up, he even told his parents that he broke up with me (instead of the other way around) because he didn't want them to hate me. I finally can trust that he will always protect me. His parents loved me like their own daughter. I'm really sad that this had to happen. A month before I asked him for a break, I made a really great friend in class and we became fast friends. He hit on me, but the phone calls stopped when I told him I had a bf. My ex had a situation in the past where his ex-gf ended up cheating on him with someone she had called "a friend." I think it brought up a lot of hurt, anger, and bitterness and as a result, he got a ton more angry at me than he should have. On my part, I never stepped over the line when it came to my friend. We hung out at school to study and just chit-chat. My ex blames my friend for making me waver. He got really upset, saying that granted yes, I would have never considered him while we were together, but now that we were apart...I considered it. I told him over and over that my issues were something that we had always discussed before. He doesn't believe me.I think his trust in me is broken. I started NC with him and it's been 5 days. Today was THE HARDEST day so far. I almost gave in and called him. But I realized that I wouldn't give him a chance to miss me. When my ex tells me that he wants me to find someone who loves me....does that mean he has completely closed the door? He says he will always be there for me because he will always love me. I'm afraid to ask whether that means he will always love me, but he is not "in-love" with me anymore. I'm trying my best to just move on, that if we're meant to be, somehow...someway in the future it'll work out. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get my life back together and work on improving myself. Can you guys tell me what you think about my situation?
Tayla Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 No offense as I am sure you wanted to get as detailed and elaborate on your relationship to aid in feedback, but even I nodded off ... What I could gather was , in his perception you did walk out. Maybe in the sense of always having one foot out the door when times got tough. Your nursing him back to health was a noble deed but I can imagine it was held over him .... Sorry but I side with the fell'r in this stance. There comes a time where the break up and make up gets old....Time outs are a different matter entirely, as some couples need to re-group in an difference of opinion matter. You basically conveyed the bumpiness of the relationship, and that is usually an indication that its not working any more. Do yourself a favor and step back and ask yourself if you were entirely committed or did you always have it in your mind that you could walk out and he'd take you back? The NC is at this time the most plausible since you have it in your head that he needs to miss you in order to take you back....In time you'll understand that he is moving on and while he may miss the good times, its unlikely he misses the mixed signals.
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