The Diplomat Posted December 10, 2003 Posted December 10, 2003 Oh man, I just gotta share this with you guys and gals. Four months ago, my girlfriend of 5 years sent me an email talking about how she "needs time to find herself" and all that crap. I was very good to her and she just up an left me with an email. She didn't even bother to see me face to face even though we live in the same city. Come to find out that she was cheating on me for the past year. Well, she left to go be with that guy and she called me this morning for the first time in four months. She asked me if I wanted to work things out with her, so I was like "HELL NO!" and I proceeded to absolutley tell her about how crappy she treated me (ignoring me and being pushy). She started crying and explaining that the man she left me for (and cheated on me with) got her pregnant and then left without a trace. So then she started to beg me back and stuff like that. I decided 4 months ago that I'll never be a SIMP again. So I told her to "**** off and go ask her man for help". She started really crying and pleading, so I then closed the conversation with "Have fun changin diapers and dealing with your kid for 18 years!" and I hung up the phone on her. Guys and gals, it feels like a burden has been lifted from me. I'm no longer moping around and I feel confident enough to go out and have fun again. I guess it is entirely true that "what goes around, comes around." I am a living example of that. Nothing greater than to be able to turn the tables and not let a thoughless ex keep your heart hostage! I feel absolutely great!
SoleMate Posted December 10, 2003 Posted December 10, 2003 If you were truly healed, with your heart free and whole, I don't think you could be so cruel.
Summerday Posted December 10, 2003 Posted December 10, 2003 Sole Mate is right. Your ex made a mistake, and she is now regretting it, and she will regret it forever. It's not your job to make her suffer even more then she already is. You will one day regret treating her the way you just did, 5 years is a long time.
moimeme Posted December 10, 2003 Posted December 10, 2003 Your ex is in a very rough spot and, clearly, you are not 'cured' because you have not gotten to the point of forgiveness. You are still full of hatred and resentment. None of these feelings are good for you. Until you can once again regard her as a fellow flawed human deserving of sympathy, don't think of yourself as 'cured' at all.
The Diplomat Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 I'm not going to forgiver her because she put MY HEALTH at jeopardy because she couldn't keep her legs closed. Her situation is HER fault and she's gonna be the one that has to deal with it. NOT ME.
Arabess Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 Diplomat, I get your point. Whereas, taking the high road and applying forgiveness would be considered more Honorable...some relationships which have nasty break ups don't warrant it. Like you, I had a broken relationship which caused me so much pain and humiliation....I plan to forget and forgive precisely NOTHING! For me....my anger and bitterness serves as a remembrance. That remembrance will keep me from ever getting involved with him again. It's a type of 'protective wall' I allow myself. It sounds as though you've pretty much done the same thing. Maybe years down the road...you and I will both change. Till then though....I don't blame you one bit for your reaction!!! Just my opinion....as shallow as it usually is! LOL! Arabess
Summerday Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 Not being able to forgive is unhealthy, and you may be one of those person's whom is unable to do this. She hurt you deeply and right now you are very resentful towards her for the pain and sickness she caused you. When you get over this feeling you may or may not feel different about the situation. I have to admit that what she did was really wrong. Were all human and we make mistakes. I feel bad for your ex, because I know how regretful and how sorry she must be. I've been through a similar situation, and I also lost my ex because of it. Sometimes we do things and don't think of the consequences until it's too late. If you don't love her anymore then just tell her this without insulting her, she is already ashamed enough and she will feel this way for a very long time.
jenny Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 you may not be ready to forgive yet; so you may not be cured. but anger is a vital part of grief and coping - don't let go of it before you have to. it can help keep you away from those who seek to damage you, as well. be anry if you need to be. but make sure you're 'really' cured before starting a new relationship.
Summerday Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 You sound very adamant in all of your posts in regards to these types of situations. If you don't mind me asking, what happened in your previous relationship that has left you so angry? If it's posted here, please advise as to how I can find it. I've tried looking for other posts and have not been succesful. Thanks.
midori Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 While I agree that the schadenfreude Diplomat is expressing about his ex's misfortune might not be the nicest way to respond to her news, it's understandable and probably useful for him right now. I'm sure she is remorseful and worried about her future as a single parent, and I hope she'll be all right. But I don't think she deserves much sympathy from Diplomat, and I certainly don't think she deserves to be taken back. In fact I think it took a lot of nerve for her to even think that would be an option. She must be in quite a state right now, but it's still selfish of her to try to latch onto Diplomat now that she's been dumped and is facing single parenthood. If he weren't gloating about it, but instead posted the same basic facts and asked us whether or not he should consider taking his ex back, I think he'd get a fair number of "no way's" and "watch out's."
Arabess Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 Originally posted by The Diplomat Four months ago, my girlfriend of 5 years sent me an email talking about how she "needs time to find herself" and all that crap. I was very good to her and she just up an left me with an email. She didn't even bother to see me face to face even though we live in the same city. Come to find out that she was cheating on me for the past year. she called me this morning for the first time in four months. She started crying and explaining that the man she left me for (and cheated on me with) got her pregnant and then left without a trace. I don't see a 'mistake' in here. What I see is someone who did what they wanted to do regardless of the person they claimed to have a relationship with. Then they leave without any explanation. Now they are back because they are in trouble and their "first choice" has now dumped THEM! So, what's Diplomat supposed to say? "Sure baby, you lied, cheated, dumped me like a dog, but now that you are knocked up by HIS baby and he no longer wants you.....yeah, come home to Daddy....cause I'm a doormat!"????? As for MY personal story....maybe I'll post it around New Years when I will celebrate my first Annual A$$CLOWN Day!!! LOL! Thanks for caring enough to ask though. I'm really a very nice, forgiving, thoughful person to ANYONE but him. When I die....I want it in tiny print on my tombstone "Barbie DIED still thinking (his name) was an a**h***!").
moimeme Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 Yeah, but Arabess, would you literally be happy if something awful happened to him?
Arabess Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 Well...since he's in the war...the possibility exists. If it happens, I won't know about it...because he left not making sure I would be in the position to know. He does send me a 'blank' or joke email once a week or so (as my per request) to make sure I know he is still alive. No Moimeme, I wouldn't be happy about it because it would rob me of the honor of getting to beat the crap out of him myself when he gets home next spring.
Summerday Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 I never suggested he should take her back, he shouldn't she's pregnant with another man's child. Just like Diplomat, I also believe in karma. She has placed herself in a serious dilemma and I think that's enough punishment for now. Diplomat has expressed to her what he feels and hopefully she is strong enough to stay away from him for now. I was in a 8 year relationship and he cheated on me, I forgave him. We are not together today, but I see him at my gym and I don't hate him nor do I wish him dead. Guess everyone is different.
moimeme Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 He does send me a 'blank' or joke email once a week or so (as my per request) to make sure I know he is still alive. Indeed. No Moimeme, I wouldn't be happy about it because it would rob me of the honor of getting to beat the crap out of him myself when he gets home next spring. Do you think by then you'll finally have cleared him out of your heart? Last night I heard a song that I used to associate with the ex. Nada. No pang. No anger. Not a thing. Now I KNOW I'm over him for sure. Remeber this saying? "The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference" Elie Wiesel
Jiggly 2K3 Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 I totally agree with Arabess on this one...A year is a very long time to be cheated on...He owes her nothing, including his kindness and time...
Arabess Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 To be honest, you guys are absolutely correct. Anger is only a bandaide, whereas forgiveness is the ultimate cure. (hmmmm....that should be a quote somewhere....LOL!) I'm sure I'll get there one day, and perhaps, so will Diplomat. At this point though, if I didn't dwell on how angry I was with him.....I fear I would remember how much I love him....still.
Fancy Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 Diplomat, I can see understand where you're coming from. What goes around does indeed come around. I do hope in time, however, your anger will subside and you'll wish her the best. Your wound is still fairly fresh. I don't judge you for your anger right now. It's completely human. Just don't bathe in it or it'll eat you alive. Best of luck....
moimeme Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 .....I fear I would remember how much I love him....still Thought as much. I hope time is kind and grants you healing.
Arabess Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 HAHA Moimeme.... We probably would never agree on a bumper sticker....but if you lived close by....I'd invite you over to share a bottle of wine. You are the best!
reservoirdog1 Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 I'm going to have to agree with Diplomat on this one, at least as far as his approach. I don't buy that he's "cured", but I can't fault him for the things he said to her. She sounds like a bit of an opportunist, coming back to him now that she's gotten knocked up by some other guy who ran out on her, and expecting Diplomat to welcome her with open arms. Hopefully Diplomat won't stay angry forever and will eventually forgive her. But that DOESN'T make him beholden to her in any way. She's the screwup here. She's the one who couldn't "keep her legs together", as he put it, and cheated on him for a year. She'll have to deal with the consequences of her actions, and she'll have to deal with them alone. My situation isn't identical but it's similar. I was married to W for seven years, and then found out in August of this year that she had one affair just before we married, another right after, and another a few years later. We're separated and will be divorcing. I've said some pretty nasty things to her in the last number of months (generally during fights that she started) -- on at least one occasion I said, "f*** you, you lying little slut." Lots of people know that she screwed around on me, and she's now faced with having to repair her tarnished reputation. She got particularly pissed off when I told her that I'd told my family about what she'd done (I was oblivious to all of it till August), and also that a number of my friends knew about this before I did, talked amongst themselves, and spread the word further. Now she's in damage control mode to a degree -- bad news has legs. But it's not my job to fix her reputation -- it's hers, and hers alone. I'm still pretty angry at her, but over time that will dissipate to a point where I just don't give a damn anymore.
Arabess Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 Originally posted by reservoirdog1 I'm still pretty angry at her, but over time that will dissipate to a point where I just don't give a damn anymore. Yeah....like the quote Moimeme posted.....where Indifference is the opposite of Love. I think anyone who has ever been totally BURNED has to work thru their anger before arriving at the ultimate indifference. The point is.....you wouldn't BE so angry about it...if you didn't love and trust the other person so much in the first place. In these cases....it's the DUMPEE who is the victim....and I don't believe they owe the DUMPER a damn thing! If the DUMPER reaps what they sowed.....GOOD!
moimeme Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 HAHA Moimeme.... We probably would never agree on a bumper sticker....but if you lived close by....I'd invite you over to share a bottle of wine. I'd be honoured to be invited You are the best! Well thank you very much You ain't half bad, yourself
kathyd Posted December 12, 2003 Posted December 12, 2003 my husband of 12 yrs was having an affair for 2 years before he told me and said he wanted a divorce. devastation would be putting it mildly. 2 small children, house, etc. but especially since i had no clue. i was on tranquilizers, anti-depressants and went to councelling for a couple years. that seems like a life time ago. now when i see him i can't even understand what i saw in him the first place. that was 9 years ago. so, yes indifference is the ultimate goal. my last relationship lasted 6 yrs and he dumped me. i'm still not sure if there was someone else or not as i have never talked to him since. and to be honest i really don't want to know. it would only hurt more and what difference would it make? i just wish i could get to the indifference stage a little faster.
GoodGuy87 Posted December 12, 2003 Posted December 12, 2003 This about sums it up. I found it on the net and I believe it deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature........... It’s amazing that a**h***s can get girls. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s not that amazing. They are a**h***s at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. IT’S A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen… until they get into what they’re after. Their prey thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what a**h***s their predators really are, they pretend like the a**h*** is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the a**h*** into a nice guy, but a**h***s will always be a**h***s. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the a**h***. But she claims to love the a**h***… now this is where the theory begins. She doesn’t want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the a**h*** right away, instead she will stay with the a**h***. Girls are idiots. They don’t realize that the nice guy has been there all along. He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is naturally like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to about their a**h*** boyfriend. But the nice guy isn’t THAT naïve. He was trying to score with the girl he listens to all along. The problem is that since he is a nice guy he keeps listening. Since girls get attached to things that pay attention to them, they think of the nice guy as a friend. A FRIEND. They don’t say, “Oh he’s hot” or “I want to have his children” about the nice guy, they just want the emotional support. When they get the emotional support from the nice guy, they don’t need it from the a**h***. The nice guy gets the **** end of the stick while the a**h*** gets all the action. I am starting to wonder if being a nice guy is really the route to take to get action… I have been down this path for all of my post-pubescent life and it has gotten me NOWHERE… at least not in the women department. Perhaps another reason why girls fall for the a**h*** is because a**h***s ignore the girl they are with. The women wonder, “Why isn’t he paying attention to me?” so they explore why. They poke and prod and get closer to the a**h***. They start to get easier with each attempt to get closer. The a**h*** finally says, “I’ve let this beauty dangle long enough, time to boat this bass”. It is then he puts on his charade and the girl feels like she has won him… even thought all she has won is an a**h***. Once you have gone down the path as a nice guy or a “listener” you can’t turn back. The girl will always go after the a**h***s because there are always nice guys there to listen. Once you realize that you are a “listener” you cant do anything about it… just pack up and close shop. There is no way you will get into her pants… ever. There is and never will be a situation where the nice guy will get the girl he has a crush on. It just doesn’t work like that. The girl wont “come to her senses” and realize what an a**h*** her boyfriend is like in the movies… instead she will just go after another a**h***, and unless you stop being a nice guy, she will never go after you. Women complain that there are no nice guys in the world. Right. They are obviously not looking hard enough because there are nice guys EVERYWHERE!!!! Girls aren’t looking for nice guys… they say they are but they’re not. They are looking for the perfect a**h***, but there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect a**h***. All in all, the nice guy gets the shaft. To all the girls out there with boyfriends that don’t treat you with respect, that don’t listen to you, and that don’t care about you I say this; look next to you. The guy that has been standing next to you the whole time is the guy you have been looking for. He is what you want your a**h*** to be like. He knows more about you than you know about yourself… because he has listened to it all.
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