Inflikted Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Probably a long story ahead, but I'll try to keep it as brief as I can... Some of you may be a tiny bit familiar with my story, already, but here's a recap, anyway... Back when I was a kid, I fell for this girl I was classmates with. It wasn't any specific quality about her that drew me in; I just felt this "connection" to her that even now I can't quite explain properly. I knew her for many years, but I was much too shy to directly interact with her. Eventually, she found out that I liked her, and I kinda started to come out of my shell a tiny bit, and she seemed to kinda sort of maybe like me a bit, too, but before I knew it, her family moved away, and I didn't see her again. Just under two years ago, I found her on MySpace, and we chatted for months back and forth, and my feelings started bubbling up, especially when I came to see and respect the kind of person she had grown up to be. Of course, there's kind of a tiny bit of geographical distance between us, and that complicated things. It didn't help matters that I'm a total idiot when interacting with girls that I like... Last year, I stupidly slipped up, and asked her about meeting up one-on-one, shortly after she had just gotten out of a long term relationship. After that, things got awkward, and she seemingly didn't want to write to me anymore. Towards the beginning of this year, I tried getting back in touch with her, and she seemed like she was okay with chatting with me online again, but things dropped off again shortly after. Frustrated, I did something else that may or may not be stupid, depending on how you look at it... I wrote her a semi-lengthy message, where I tried to be honest (albeit, not too honest that she'd get really freaked out), and everything, and tried one more time asking her about meeting up with me. Again, no response. I haven't chatted with her since. :/ It's been months since this went down. At first, I was sad and upset that I blew my chance with her. As time went on, though, I think I've kind of healed, at least a bit. The thing of it is, though, I really hate how things ended between me and her. Absolutely hate it. I realize that there's probably no chance I'll ever get to have the relationship I wanted with her, but I just wish I could clear the air with her. I want to be able to tell her that I wasn't some crazy loser stalker that's "been in love with her all my life", but rather that I just never felt that kind of "connection" that I felt with her, with any other girl I've met, and I was just so curious to see if there was anything still there, but was too much of an awkward dope to express it in a cool, collected way. But what the heck can I do? I've fallen so out of touch with her, and I've already made myself look so bad in her eyes, that I can't write to her again. And even if I mustered up the courage to try writing her again, I don't have a clue as to how to get her to at least hear me out. So, I feel "stuck"; it's eating me up that this is the way things turned out, yet there doesn't seem to be any foreseeable way to change things. I want to be able to give myself closure on this chapter of my life, but I've left myself with such a bad taste in my mouth after the way things trailed off with her, that I'm making it impossible for myself to get through this. I'm at a loss of what to do, where to go from here... @_@
USMCHokie Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 So, I feel "stuck"; it's eating me up that this is the way things turned out, yet there doesn't seem to be any foreseeable way to change things. I want to be able to give myself closure on this chapter of my life....I'm making it impossible for myself to get through this. Let me ask you this...do you honestly want to write to her "one last time" because it will make you feel better about "closure," or because you want another shot at her...? I'm willing to bet it's the latter... You say you want to give yourself closure...I think you've basically got all the closure you need...she's not interested and may never have been...and I know you feel like you've got a connection to her, but a connection requires an attachment on both ends...and it sounds like she was never connected to her end of the string... What to do next...move on and find something new and real to get attached to...
Author Inflikted Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Like I said, it just really eats me up to think of that being the way things ended. I don't want the last thing she remembers about me to be some loser that kept asking her out over MySpace. I just want her to know I wasn't the creep she probably thought I was. We had nice memories from grade school, and I went and muddied them all up by making myself look like an idiot to her online this last year. To be honest, I'd much rather be able to tell her all of this in person. I've always hated this online stuff, because it makes things way too complicated, more than it should be. Unfortunately, there really isn't any way to arrange something like this, so that's apparently out. As for having another "shot" at her, well, sure, I'll admit, I'm still as curious as ever as to whether or not we'd be compatible together. But to be quite honest, she was the first (and unfortunately, only, so far in my almost 21 years of life) girl I've actually really felt something for; I think on some level, I'm always going to be curious about that, unless I actually got a chance to really find out some day. I'd be satisfied just to reverse the "damage" I did over the last year or so, just so she doesn't forever think bad of me. I really think that the reason I'm having so much trouble "moving on" is because of how much I hate the way things have been left between me and her. If I could at least find some way to "fix" that, I think I'd be more at peace with the whole thing.
USMCHokie Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I think on some level, I'm always going to be curious about that, unless I actually got a chance to really find out some day. I'd be satisfied just to reverse the "damage" I did over the last year or so, just so she doesn't forever think bad of me. I'm sorry if I sound like an ass in my responses...but she's not thinking about you...she's not having sleepless nights wondering what you're up to...and if she was, you'd know...but unfortunately, she isn't... I think you're creating something in her mind just so you have some sort of hope that you two could be together one day...you're convincing yourself that by her thinking negatively of you, she's at least thinking of you...but the hard truth is, she's probably not thinking about you...whether good or bad... What good would confronting her about it do...? One, she thinks you're even creepier to keep contacting her...or two, she says, 'uh ok...' and goes back to living her life without you on her mind...will that make you feel better that she wasn't thinking of you before and still won't be thinking of you after...? You really need to stop worrying about what other people think of you...especially those people that aren't part of your life...
Author Inflikted Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Eh, it's really for my sake, my closure, though. I mean, I really don't know how else to "move on". Contrary to the impression this topic might give, I'm not just sitting around agonizing about this whole thing. But it's still there, deep down, and I can't seem to get rid of it once and for all. I feel like if I saw her again, and/ or got to "clear the air" with her, I'd be alright, and get on the right track. But of course, there's no feasible way for that to happen, so I don't know what comes next.
NopeNah Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Like you said you messed up and looked a fool on myspace, or whatever. The best thing you can do is leave her alone and build yourself up for you. Don't worry about how she sees you. It no longer matters.
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