Losing battle in my head -- venting

[stace79]

Ugh. It's driving me crazy that I don't know what's going to happen. Link to my previous thread here.

 

I spoke to him for about 10 minutes today b/c his sis was in serious car accident. He didn't know about it yet.

 

I found out via her Facebook status, and his parents didn't even call to tell him. He said "at least I know I can count on you". I said of course he can.

 

Convo was good -- I was upbeat and joked/laughed with him. He started to get off the phone only after about five minutes, but then asked what was new with me, so we talked a little longer. It was almost like he didn't want to get off the phone either, but that could just be my mind playing tricks on me.

 

Now I just can't stop thinking of him. I just want to call him back and tell him I love him again. I did alright yesterday, but now I'm anxious as hell wanting to call him again and just resolve things. How the heck am I supposed to get through this?

[kickintheaz]

you're doing fine..

 

hope the future sis in law is doin ok!! (eye on the prize stace!).. em, why would her facebook status be updated before the whole family was told? I'm at a loss to understand that side issue!!!

 

Did you ring him???

 

As to whether he wanted to get off the phone or not, don't be overanalyzing itor indeed what was said, or the tone it was said in.. like me, ya made the choice to try LC... convo was good, thats good, at least ya not biting the head off each other (again!)..

 

you're going to get through it the same way ya got through the last few days, focus on you, you still have a lot of getting better to do too remember? that wasn't a walk in the park ya've been on the last few weeks... Remember we said we do what we have to get through this and we will walk that thin line to see if we can prevail... but we need to fix ourselves too.

 

You had a nice phone call, it ended well, (i.e there was no screaming or shouting!) and it made you feel a little good. I doubt he has hung up the phone and forgotten 10 mins later he was talking to you. Sure he prob had to call the family to see has he been excommunicated or something!!! lol...

You'll get through this, don't ring/txt/mail him.. he may contact you again very soon, who knows.. eye on the prize.. and at the moment that prize is a healthy happy Stace.. right??!

[stace79]

Thank you so much.... He actually hung up with me to call his folks, and then called me back within about 15 minutes. He was upset with them for not telling him -- apparently it happened yesterday. (She is okay -- just sore and bruised.) I think they just didn't want to worry him with everything that's happened.

 

He seemed very appreciative that I told him. I truly was concerned, first b/c I like his sister and second b/c his parents were planning a trip to visit him tomorrow-Sunday and he hadn't seen them since June. So knew if they cancelled their trip he would be crushed.

 

Do you ever worry that with doing the LC or NC that YOUR feelings for her will fade? I love him so much now -- but honestly I don't know if I could make it as long as you have!

[USMCHokie]

Do you ever worry that with doing the LC or NC that YOUR feelings for her will fade? I love him so much now -- but honestly I don't know if I could make it as long as you have!

 

Take it one day at a time...don't think about one month down the line of NC or even 6 months down the line...you will never know what will happen in the future, so don't concern yourself right now with whether you'll still love him after a few months of NC...if you still do, that's fine...if you don't, that's also good...just do what you need to do to get you through today...

 

About a month ago, I thought I didn't love my ex anymore...I thought that the relationship wasn't all it was cracked up to be...and now, I miss her more than ever and realize that I still want to be with her...but that doesn't change how I approach NC...because I know things will swing back the other way...

[kickintheaz]

Do you ever worry that with doing the LC or NC that YOUR feelings for her will fade? I love him so much now -- but honestly I don't know if I could make it as long as you have!

 

Hey Stace..

 

I actually had a moment the other night where I wondered 'was I doing the right thing' in my dealings with her and giving her this chance to think about things, then I did exactly what my username here says!!!. OF COURSE I AM.. I have not invested 3 years of my life, worked with her whilst keeping our R a secret for the first 6-8 moths (the honeymoon phase?! when all ya wanna do is jump up and down and tell people!) been through infidelity, breakups, commitment issues, 7 months of pseudo friendship, turning up at her door professing my love and what I want in life, to realise I just kinda, maybe, like her!.. I LOVE HER WITH EVERYTHING IN ME.. and may absolutely be setting myself up for a fall.. but ya know what? if I didn't climb to this height I am on, in cardboard soled shoes, then I wouldn't have this view, so its my bad if I fall off!!

 

as to making it this long.. I'm stubborn!.. I KNOW there is a chance (even if its a lower chance than winning all the lotterys of the world at the same time on the same day!).. First time I felt like this with any girl (and I lived with one before for a few years from my early 20s.. but barely felt anything when I realised 'that' music had died!) so why not put myself out there.. I may get hurt (again), I know that.. but sure I'll heal, esp with you guys around!!

 

whats the point in loving someone, as you said before, if you are not willing to give them any chance to get to where you are..

 

love sucks when it goes bad, but I actually think I may be in a better place than some people on here, there is always worse off than oneself.

 

And on the whole NC til the weekend? well, out the window now, in a way, she let me in on something that I can help with (nothing to do with the R) so I'm dropping by tonight for a chat and pass on some info.. and that will be it, I know I'm strong enough not to mention the issue at hand, thats what the weekend is for... one sometimes needs to be put others needs above their own and thats what I'm doing!

 

But, I am looking forward to the day when she sits me down, looks me in the eye and says "I do (optional insert 'not' here!!!) love you and want to be with you"....

 

THAT is the first day of the rest of my life... for better..... or worse, followed by better!!!!

 

so as USMC says, one day at a time, thats what got me on this road in the first place.. heal yourself, feelings don't just disappear, not when theres history there.. so don't be worryin bout that.. kay?!

[stace79]

I know exactly how you feel, kick... I don't want to play any games with him; "oh i'm not contacting you to make you miss me..." whatev. I can't do that stuff right now. I just feel like I have to be honest. I won't keep volunteering info because I know he needs time, and his friend messaged me again last night and said I have to take it slow with him, rebuild the friendship first and let things fall into place gradually.

 

My ex called me this morning -- he hosts a sports radio show with a co-host, and he hates nascar racing & fishing, so he called during those "boring" segments as he calls them. It made me feel positive that he was thinking of me this morning... that's a hopeful sign right?

 

We had a good chat for about 20 minutes -- mostly about his work and his parents' visit this weekend. He said I sounded awful (I have a cold), but I was upbeat and said I probably sound worse than I really am.

 

We ended with both of us saying it was really good talking, and to have a great day. I think you are right -- we know the precipice we're standing on is pretty high off the ground, but when you love someone the way we do, it's worth the potential fall. Ugh I hope I can still say that if the fall comes.

 

I just know, that if this works out, neither of us would ever have a worry about our R because we've been through the absolute wringer -- I can't imagine any worse scenarios other than one of us getting a serious or terminal illness... but we'd have worked through so much, there would be no doubt in my head that we could make it through anything and that our love was as strong as possible.

 

I hope your visit tonight goes well -- and I'll say a few prayers that we can get through these times and that our exes will realize what they've got in us!

[kickintheaz]

Of course stace.. he not gonna forget about ya!!! and he gave ya a 'relationship' call (without putting up hopes!) but presume thats what he used to do before the storm?... no hope lifting, just fact..

 

and yes, the fall (which may never come) will be worth it, cos you gave it all you had and can move on then with no regrets or "what if I did/said that...."

 

if or indeed WHEN this works out for us (Positive thinking!) then we're getting invites to each others big day!! lol!!!.. but you're right, I'd have no doubts and would be in the place where I know I could rationally and emotionally deal with whatever the R throws up... and bat it straight outta the park!!!

 

thanks!!! will let ya know if doesn't!! (look out for a post "I HATE WOMEN OF ALL KIND!!).. ha ha ha ha

 

we WILL get through this stace and the sooner our exes cop on and realise we are soooo right for them the better!!! ha ha ha.. (besides xmas is coming, we do need time to pick the perfect post reconciliation gift for them....)

[stace79]

I talked to my coworker about all this just now, and she reminded me of the movie The Mexican. Did you see it? It was great, IMO. But I found these videos to post on my blog... It sums up how I feel, and probably how you're feeling. Just thought you'd enjoy. I hope at some point I can share these with my ex...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watchv=aQhvoLNEqVI&feature=player_embedded

 

[kickintheaz]

ha ha.. thanks Stace.. had watched it ages ago and wasn't sure i liked it.. em, takes on a whole new meaning now!

 

how ya doing now?

 

 

our meeting went good tonight, caught up on chit chat, then went into the issue she wanted to discuss, then we sat and talked some more, had a cup of tea, she showed me lots of pics incl of her family.. was quite a nice meeting, kept it to an hour, kiss on the cheek or 2, then home.. txt me thanks a mill then laters for the info I provided.. she gonna let me know tomorrow what sorta times she lookin at for the weekend and see which suits me..

 

that talk will be bout us and where we go from here, tbh I only see 2 options that might help her think on it all and come to a decision, FULL NC... or ramp up the pressure and start seeing her more and staying in touch more often, but I'd be inclined to think that i'd treat them like dates as I don't want it to wander into a 'friendship' per se.. (as you well know!).. whatcha think? (and sorry if I hijacking your thread!)

[stace79]

Ehhh... I am making it. My concentration really stinks!!! I so want to e-mail him or something to wish him a nice weekend visit with his parents. They should be arriving there any time.

 

I made the mistake of going through old emails from him and reading some from when we had a break in April... our roles were exactly reversed. I was telling him I loved him but didn't think we were meant to be together, and he was trying to be friends with me (that was actually his wish not mine!).

 

I just want to MAKE him understand how much I love him but I know I can't. It's so infuriating, especially for a control freak like me haha.

 

I am glad your visit went well -- at least you got a kiss on the cheek!! I would give my right arm for that right now.

 

I really hope that everything turns out the way you want this weekend.... I almost wish I could just get a straight answer now -- again the control freak in me hates uncertainty!!

 

ha ha.. thanks Stace.. had watched it ages ago and wasn't sure i liked it.. em, takes on a whole new meaning now!

 

how ya doing now?

 

our meeting went good tonight, caught up on chit chat, then went into the issue she wanted to discuss, then we sat and talked some more, had a cup of tea, she showed me lots of pics incl of her family.. was quite a nice meeting, kept it to an hour, kiss on the cheek or 2, then home.. txt me thanks a mill then laters for the info I provided.. she gonna let me know tomorrow what sorta times she lookin at for the weekend and see which suits me..

 

that talk will be bout us and where we go from here, tbh I only see 2 options that might help her think on it all and come to a decision, FULL NC... or ramp up the pressure and start seeing her more and staying in touch more often, but I'd be inclined to think that i'd treat them like dates as I don't want it to wander into a 'friendship' per se.. (as you well know!).. whatcha think? (and sorry if I hijacking your thread!)

[kickintheaz]

Ehhh... I am making it. My concentration really stinks!!! I so want to e-mail him or something to wish him a nice weekend visit with his parents. They should be arriving there any time.

 

I made the mistake of going through old emails from him and reading some from when we had a break in April... our roles were exactly reversed. I was telling him I loved him but didn't think we were meant to be together, and he was trying to be friends with me (that was actually his wish not mine!).

 

I just want to MAKE him understand how much I love him but I know I can't. It's so infuriating, especially for a control freak like me haha.

 

I am glad your visit went well -- at least you got a kiss on the cheek!! I would give my right arm for that right now.

 

I really hope that everything turns out the way you want this weekend.... I almost wish I could just get a straight answer now -- again the control freak in me hates uncertainty!!

 

ah stace, I feel for ya.. at least he'll have company, is this the first time he's seen his folks since you had the talk with them?? if so, who knows what may come out this weekend!!!

 

uh oh, old emails should self destruct when they sense emotional beings near them!!.. kinda strange that eh? the way the tables have turned, well lets hope they turn again!!!

 

ha ha.. thanks.. in the absence of him kissin ya on the cheek heres a BIG virtual hug for ya.. you're doing good so far.. big claps for stace! :D

 

I not sure i gonna get any sort of definitive answer this weekend (since women take fooooorrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever to make up their minds about which pair of shoes they are gonna buy never mind something as serious as this!)

 

ha ha.. control freak!.. ya gotta let someone else fly the plane for a while unfortunately, as I said at the start of this post, who knows what may happen.. parents have a way of getting thru to their kids.. (even the confused ones!)

[stace79]

Yeah -- this is the first time he's seen his parents since he moved in July actually. I know he's missed them. I don't think he's ever gone this long without seeing them, b/c he always lived within two or three hours of them... one when we both lived together in my city.

 

I broke down and e-mailed him at the end of the work day yesterday, just saying how my day was and that I hoped he had a really good visit with his family. I mentioned I always like to hear from him, but that I wouldn't call him while he was spending time with his family.

 

I'm honestly not sure that his parents will even speak with him about me. I think they tend to remain pretty neutral. The one positive thing I got from his mom was that time heals all wounds and that she was sure we'd make the best decisions for ourselves going forward. No idea if that's really any indicator...

 

I'm listening to his radio show this morning just dying -- I want to hear his voice, so I listen, but then I just miss him more. How's your day going so far?

[kickintheaz]

Yeah -- this is the first time he's seen his parents since he moved in July actually. I know he's missed them. I don't think he's ever gone this long without seeing them, b/c he always lived within two or three hours of them... one when we both lived together in my city.

 

I broke down and e-mailed him at the end of the work day yesterday, just saying how my day was and that I hoped he had a really good visit with his family. I mentioned I always like to hear from him, but that I wouldn't call him while he was spending time with his family.

 

I'm honestly not sure that his parents will even speak with him about me. I think they tend to remain pretty neutral. The one positive thing I got from his mom was that time heals all wounds and that she was sure we'd make the best decisions for ourselves going forward. No idea if that's really any indicator...

 

I'm listening to his radio show this morning just dying -- I want to hear his voice, so I listen, but then I just miss him more. How's your day going so far?

 

hey stace... well thats not a 'break down'.. you've chosen LC so lettin him know you're thinking of him ain't a bad thing (and that comment could produce a TONNE of posts telling me I'm silly.. go nc etc!!.. but we know what we've signed up for!!) any response?

 

Mammy will have a word, even if its a gentle.. 'Stace told us everything... ye two still in touch? you should be!!!'.. ha ha.. wishful thinking, but sure why not!

 

as to listening to his radio show.. hmmm.. that a good thing to do? I know ye talk on and off, but hearing him everyday may be making it a little raw?? just a thought!

 

My day is good thanks, arranged to meet X tomorrow... 1pm in a hotel bar, where its quiet..(but this time I won't be pre booking any rooms!! ha ha ha) It will go one of 2 ways, if she's leaning towards the positive with some reservations based on my history of what Ive said before then I gonna suggest we start seeing more of each other in a dating kind of way.. (so she can judge me by my ACTIONS!).. if she's (shudder) leaning towards....the negative, then we can only absolutely cut all ties. no point trying pseudo friendship for her to call it in a month or 2 or 5.. that'd be difficult.. (slight understatement there!) plus she'll have option then if mistake realised to contact me.. I'll not go outta my way to start dating or anything, but I'll not be living in hope waiting for her...

 

so basically this time tomorrow I'll pop up an update here and be smiling or back on a different thread pouring my heart out at how silly I was.. in which case don't listen to me Stace.. you gotta take the chance if you think its worth it!!!

 

now repeat after me.. We ARE gonna get them back in our lives... :love:

[stace79]

Well, I think it's really over. He texted me this morning back and forth (he started), and then asked if i was up for a quick phone call and of course I said yes.

 

First 15 minutes went well but then somehow it got on to the relationship again. I didn't break down, but I did say too much.

 

He says he wants to forget his feelings for me even though he still loves me now; says he won't let me come see him because he knows "I'd be sitting next to him looking all hot and he wouldn't be able to resist making a move on me".

 

He says he doesn't believe we are right together anymore, and of course anything I say he has an argument for.

 

He's just going to keep me at arm's length until his feelings fade, and then he wants to start dating other people next year. Says he's "excited" about finding the "right person" for him.

 

I suppose that's it. I'm holding it together but just barely. At the same time, he kept saying that "if his decision was going to change" it would "Happen naturally over time". I realize that's what everyone says -- that I can't force anything.

 

I dunno I'm just pretty hopeless over the whole thing now. I'm not as devastated as usual b/c maybe I knew this in my head the whole time, but it breaks my heart, again.

[kickintheaz]

hey Stace.. I am SOO sorry he came out with this stuff... maybe he's trying that 'if I say it out loud to her I'll believe it myself' lark.. TBH the love has to be very fresh in his mind, the engagement, the baby, the 'weird angry' stace... maybe he trying this as a 'coping' mechanism?

 

stay strong, maybe NC is the way to go..

 

I met X today, we talked for ages bout situation, she talked of the positives about us and what life could be like, but she has a lot of negatives in her head too... 'what if he doesn't mean this', 'what if its just for xmas', 'what if he cheats again'.. I eventually stopped babbling and told her words alone cannot change her mind, she has to see it in my actions... then she started the 'arguments' (in a nice way) .. what about moving in together, I can't see myself in your place, I've already told her, I'd sell this house tomor to move to her, (its not far), 'what about telling our familys?'.. I nearly lost it, how she can even contemplate not giving us a go cos of what her family might say?? HUH?? I bit my lip though, they'll support us.. anyway on and on and round and round, she said, 'lets pick a date in the near future and we'll cut ties til then and then we'll meet and I'll have decided'. I told her NO.. (that hurt) I cannot keep thinking that in x amount of time she'll say yes, so I just told her to keep a date in her head if she wants, but don't tell me, if she feels she definitely, absolutely, wants to go ahead with this then call me, but if she feels she is better off exploring her future on her own, then don't call. She really doesn't want that, but full NC is the only way for me to go. At least if she decides she doesn't want me I'll not hear from her (and she will respect that I know).. makes it somewhat easier to take. Then we had a hug and a kiss and she said it was very hard and she's afraid I'll meet someone.. poppycock.. I'm not gonna wait for her, but I'm not actively gonna try dating... not fair on anyone that..

 

so Stace, I think we're in the process of starting that fall we talked about.. dam it... so I guess we gotta fix outselves now eh? I'm goin back to caliguys NC guides.. though I'm not in bits, I did cry a little when I got home.. I knew I was setting myself up for the fall, like you, but yes, the broken heart is crumbling round the edges now..

 

strong, powerful, majestic thoughts, I know my worth, and I know now what I CAN offer someone, pref her, but if not, then theres one lucky girl somewhere in the world tonight who is in for a whole lotta loving at some point in the distant future!!!!

 

chin up stace, a 'better us' is now the prize.... we'll get thru NC together... promise!

[stace79]

Well geezus -- this is truly depressing. It's almost harder to hear things didn't work out for you, too. I thought at least one of us had a shot. I think you are right -- NC might be the way for me, too, now. B/c even though I love him and want to be with him, the idea that he gets the "benefits" of my friendship all the while ripping out my heart just makes me resentful and I don't want that.

 

I'm real sorry for you, too. Please keep posting. It helps me to converse with someone in a similar situation as me, to know I'm not crazy in how I'm feeling.

 

I even sent him a gift -- actually for him and his parents since they're visiting -- a thank you for their support and kindness during my miscarriage... he hasn't called to let me know he got it or thank you or anything. But I'm not calling him again.

 

I know you're right -- some day someone will appreciate the both of us for who we are and what we have to offer, it's just hard to imagine ever loving someone or even knowing someone as much as I loved and know him -- or letting someone else know me the way he knows me. I mean he literally knows all of my little dark secrets and everything.

 

Everyone says it changes with time but I can't imagine wanting to let anyone get that close to me again. I think I will just stay single and start adopting more dogs. lol At least I know my dog will never leave me of his own choosing!

[kickintheaz]

it IS sad isn't it... though in fairness, we're just one half of it.. our SO's are in it too, regardless what they do and say to us.. mine was txtin me tonight bout random stuff... so I told her to keep a friday free in december IF she has decided to give us a go by then, and we'd have our 'xmas day' .. she was worried cos earlier in the year I provisionally booked a hotel in prague to see the christmas markets and she was wondering was that the weekend I was going away.. maybe she afraid I'd meet someone and go with them! (which she did say she was afraid of today when I said I wouldn't wait).. but no, have moved the hotel to next year... wouldn't be the same without her.. :-(

she also asked was I out tonight, but no, was watchin same tv show as her!.. i wouldn't have been great company with anyone tonight... and she the same.. The answer seems so simple and yet her over thinking and reluctance to see the good side is killing us... grrrrr...

 

besides how in the name of anything could I comfortably look another woman in the eye on a date??? not for a long time.. I'm with ya on the dogs.. I came home to mine for a big hug and she knew I was sad.. (and she only 5 months old tomorrow!).. she cuddled me most of the night.. before going hyper!.. makes me smile... least I have one girlie I can treat like a princess!!!

 

that was lovely that you sent a gift for them... he may never mention it, but it will be appreciated.. mine started to fill up today thanking me for the help I gave her during the week, but I didn't do it to win her affection, I did it cos she asked...

 

and I hear ya on the loving someone else.. tis gonna take a while to get over this pair eh Stace?? god help us.. letting someone get that close again will be the ultimate test.. urgh...

 

but we'll get there, somehow.. will keep posting as can't PM ya....

[stace79]

hey if you wanna keep in touch message me at [email protected]