learnfrommymistakes Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Hi all I have been posting a lot over the past few weeks and this forum has given me the strength and courage to deal with things head on, that and a lot of self help work over the years. My XMM is recently divorced, he lives thousands of miles away from me so it was always long distance. Long story short, he was set to come see me in a few weeks, visit for the weekend. When he divorced a month or so ago, I was still with my ex boyfriend...but we have since broken up, other reasons, not cause of xMM. ANyway, I have been asking xmm if he was seeing anyone, dating , having sex etc...because if he is coming to see me, I need to know he is clean of all diseases. He did admit to having a few dates, but thats it, was eager to see me. Long story short, I kept trying to get more answers, not cause i was so mad he was starting to date, but because he was very very vague, and avoiding answering questions. I said if you are sleeping with others already/involved sexually, or have to lie to someone to come see me, then its not good. This went back and forth and he never agreed to get tested nor agreed or denied to being sexually involved. My guess over the past few weeks is that he is definitely already involved. I said i did not want to be in that situation and waited long enough for him to figure out what he wanted. SO, I never really got any details, just that he was eager to see me, and how silly of me it was to worry about diseases, he is clean. YEAH RIGHT... SO after being really sick my stomach for weeks feeling like he is up to something, not honest, lying, and more...I finally got the balls to give him my demands for seeing me. I said, "if you want to see me and still care for me, take the *(^&%^& HIV and STD tests and SEND me the results before you get on a plane". I also said "you have been avoiding my questions and all l want is the truth, either you ARE or you are NOT sleeping with someone else", if you have been intimate with anyone since me, (we saw eachother early this summer when he was separated) then GET TESTED......no test, no visit. This is a man that has said he still loves me, and wants to visit, but my guess is that he is feasting on basking robbins flavors, lots of women, and that he is enjoying single life. I was madly in love with this man, who DID NOT leave his wife for me, but I knew/thought he was very in love with me, and would not be shagging other women yet..lol I also said i think this might be the end of the road for us, and he lacked respect for me to lead me on at times, and not be honest about whether or not he wanted to be with me, or had others. The lack of answers has led me to know he is hiding something or just not interested in anything but the weekend flings once a year...which is what we did. He was separated when we met, lied and went back to wife, etc etc, its been hell. I dont trust him, i basically told him not to come, unless he fesses up or gets tested, and i said I was not okay with this anymore. This is a HUGE step for me, becuse i have been in love with him since we met, and waited, and supported, and befriended and stayed away so often out of respect for his marriage, and felt horrible abt us...and tried to get him to go to counseling to work on his marriage etc. SO me giving demands and respecting myself enough not to jump into bed with him unprotected or safe, is a HUGE STEP. I feel sick and sad to a degree because this may be the end, and i was so eager to see him as a newly divorced man, but I have to put me first, my health and not allow a man to treat me with disrespect just because he is too much of a coward to admit what he is doing or not doing etc. I AM torn but empowered, sick but happy, scared of the answers, scared of no answers, and realize he may not come visit now. I have waitied for him for so long, and waited for him to come visit and stay in my home for so long, but i had to do this, and it was the right thing to do. Thanks to everyone on this group, your posts, situations and responses have really given me the strength to move past some hurdles. I could be wrong and this man might not be lying, but he sure is not telling me whats going on either. Affairs sux. lol thanks for being here friends, and strangers and everyone, it is helpful to make positive steps hugs lfmm
Fallen Angel Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I say stick to your guns. Regardless of if he is out having sex with someone now, or has only had sex with his now ex since you saw him last, you still need the tests to be safe. I mean you obviously feel he is being decietful with you, so not only do you have to take his word that HE has not strayed, but you also would be rolling the dice on if his now exW was completely faithful. Sleeping with him is sleeping with everyone he has been with, and everyone the people he has been with have been with, and everyone that the people he has been with has been with has been with. So potentially you are screwing hundreds or thousands of people by having sex with him. DEMAND THE TEST RESULTS!!! YOU ARE WORTH THAT!!!
MizzBlue72 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Bravo!! You show the strength in handling things that I seriously lack... I agree. Stick to your guns.
Author learnfrommymistakes Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Mizz B I was not always careful with him, though several times throughout our relationship I did demand an HIV test. I dont think he is mindful enough to use protection, he had a vasectomy, so i have to make sure if I am ever with him again, it is safe. I think basically it's over and I want out, inspite of being in love. I believe this email will put him over the edge, finally, and I have been too weak to end it so I am starting to ask questions and demand respect at last. I am 95% sure this means he will not come visit. I was pretty bold and serious and not my usual loving self in the email. I am tired of this crap, really. I was not always as safe as I should have been with him, so its time to make sure now. I lost all kinds or respect for him over the years and now, reagrdless I dont think I can look him in the eye and be okay after the past few weeks of truths. I have now probably turned into the person he does not want, because I am not just the side dish or one adoring him, but taking responsibility and not being stupid to him. MAN oh man this sucks, he text me a few moments ago, had not seen the email, but i told him to check the email and give me an answer by Friday. I am sick of living this way, all the doubt, fears, sleepless nights wondering who he is seeing or not, what diseases he may bring here...etc etc MAN I AM CHARGED UP and feel sick....whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lfmm
NoIDidn't Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Recently divorced and separated men are known for going crazy on the sex and women they were missing while in the marriage. Good for you sticking up for yourself. I don't think that men understand the disrespect they show us and our bodies when we demand proof that they are protecting us from anything they may not even know that they have. We aren't saying that they are diseased, just that we don't want to find out down the line that we should have gotten the tests. I really feel you on loving him but it being over. Love is never enough to sustain a relationship. And if you are feeling disrespected, there is not enough love to turn a blind eye to that.
Author learnfrommymistakes Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Thanks NoIdint Appreciate your words of encouragement. Whether he is doing what I think, or not, I dont trust this man and never have since the day he moved back into his home with his wife, without me even knowing they were speaking. I know his libido and how he years for me and I imagine he is yearning for a million others now. He has no real use for me now, and now that i wont just be a roll in the hay, it's a different ball game. He has a way of making me feel it is so wrong to question or ask anything. WTF, I mean I was a secret for 5 years, and put up with being 26th on the priority list, and remained loving and kind. SO if my questions or assumptions put him off, so be it. Too bad really. Thanks again for your words....they help me stay strong LFMM
DiDi123 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Wow..... 5 years....It sounds as if you have reached your breaking point and congratulations for standing up for yourself. Stay strong!
Author learnfrommymistakes Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Wow..... 5 years....It sounds as if you have reached your breaking point and congratulations for standing up for yourself. Stay strong! thanks DiDi I think I have reached the limit. Even if I do see him and he comes to visit, which I highly doubt, I think that will be the end. It is not worth all this, not even now that he is divorced. I see patterns and behaviors I do not think will change, and if this is what it is like to communicate with him, it is just not good enough. Thanks for your support. I am on pins and needles to a degree, to get his response, if and when i do....BUT i am very okay at this point, if he chooses not to come, that will make ending this all the easier, and more permanent...I hope I can and will officially end it soon, but this is a good step. I am curious to hear what he says...and wonder if and when he will respond, or if he will just bow out disgracefully, lol..... thx so much lfmm
fooled once Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 GOOD for you!!! More OW need to stand up for themselves (if they don't want to share) and let these men know that they deserve respect and consideration too!! Stay strong and GOOD FOR YOU!!!
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