Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 One of the things about pedestal building, when you're the one being put on a pedestal, is that you don't feel the other person is really responding to you. It doesn't always feel good and can feel like you're afraid to let your real self come through. I've been put on a pedestal and it feels very weird. Like this person is not responding to me. With this guy I have been very, very much myself and he seems to respond really well to that. So, i don't feel placed on a pedestal as much as when the person doesn't know me. In the email exchange I expressed concern for a situation he mentioned and offered advice. It's nothing different than we've done before. So it really surprised me when he stopped responding. I'll share a tidbit which might help you understand his psychology, if this pull-back extends beyond a few days, which easily could be situational. When I was pedestal-building in my mind (not easily obvious), I didn't pay a lot of attention to my own needs and focused more on who was on the pedestal. I was validated by the interaction and connecting. It only happened much later, after psychological therapy, that I could clearly see the demarcations between 'real' give and take and what I thought and felt to be give and take prior. IMO, if you're giving, and this means proactive interest, support and care, not just listening (listening is what a therapist does; friends care), and he cares, based on his behaviors towards you so far, he will process that in a positive way and wish to continue with you, no matter what his romantic perspective is. Does that sound reasonable to you? My tampon analogy only becomes relevant when the care is one-way. How much do you care? Let your actions show whatever that level of care is TBH, it's probably better to just have a guy who wants to f*ck you and that's it, but, hey, it's LS
carhill Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 One of the things about pedestal building, when you're the one being put on a pedestal, is that you don't feel the other person is really responding to you. Interesting. I'll explore that in a future discussion. Never having experienced it (being put on a pedestal), I have no reference. In the email exchange I expressed concern for a situation he mentioned and offered advice. It's nothing different than we've done before. So it really surprised me when he stopped responding. Hmm, you know, I've had a few of those here on LS and not only did the correspondence cease but the people disappeared too. I still haven't reconciled the implications of that dynamic. I don't recall seeing anything written....has this man been dating other women? He hasn't been dating you so I'm curious...
Ody Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 With all due respect...What are you talking about? I think she was talking about how you offered up some unsolicited life advice about how women are terrified of rejection in response to my post recommending she pick up the phone. Not with you on the ego bit but the evolutionary angle's not bad and your avatar quite solid so it's all good.
phineas Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 What I did with my friend was make her aware that I needed proactive interest and care to feel as an equal. I gave her examples of what would be valuable to me. Her subsequent silence described the dynamic. I was a tampon. I likely always was, unfortunately. Set your boundaries and enforce them. It's real simple. Painful sometimes, but simple. IME, you'll feel a lot better when you do. It isn't a major problem yet. She has a kid with the ex & he can be troublesome (like mine) & there is usually a weekly bitch about the state her kid came home in after being with the father. (dirty clothes, dirty diaper ect.) which I can fully relate to. However we spend more time talking about interests. She is the woman equivelant of a "nice guy" Makes good money, owns a house, nice car ect. Tends to go out of her way to help people she thinks are her friends. From what i've gleaned she winds up dateing guy friends that basically use her, take advantage of her then screw her over. Come back & do it again. She doesn't come out and say this about herself & I sure don't point it out. LOL! Lately she's complained to me about past ex's sniffing around & guys she knows asking her out & she has no interest in them at all & tells me whats wrong with them and I change the subject. I know whats wrong with them, their loosers. But I don't tell her that either. She still bitches way less than my buddies with their women troubles so I'm not ready ot let her calls go to voice mail just yet.
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Interesting. I'll explore that in a future discussion. Never having experienced it (being put on a pedestal), I have no reference. I've been on both sides of the put(ting) on a pedestal. From the person being put on the pedestal, it's really uncomfortable, not as flattering or as powerful as you might think. You're basically put in control of this other person's happiness because if this "wonderful person" who has put you on the pedestal does not get appreciated, etc. etc. then the person on the pedestal is HATED. I see from the way you talk about these women you have put on pedestals that you think it was a good thing on your part in terms of what you gave them. But it never is a good thing. In it's own way, it is disrespectful. You're making them into what you want them to be not who they are. And from your side you're not giving yourself the chance to have a real experience of getting to know someone genuinely. It is very stressful. Trust me on that. But from your perspective, I understand how it happens. I understand the void you're trying to fill The best you can do is work on making yourself responsible for your own happiness first and foremost. Sorry if I'm way out of line here. It's just a situation I have been in many times from both sides. It's tiring. Hmm, you know, I've had a few of those here on LS and not only did the correspondence cease but the people disappeared too. I still haven't reconciled the implications of that dynamic. See above. Maybe get out and meet some women in person? I don't recall seeing anything written....has this man been dating other women? He hasn't been dating you so I'm curious... Turns out he's still hung up on his ex. That's fine. It's no wonder I was so confused.
carhill Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Maybe get out and meet some women in person? I meet women every day. Just got back from Singapore. The ladies from LS (there are many who contact me privately) approached me for correspondence and/or advice and in some cases gave me their phone numbers for further contact. Since I'm going through a divorce, I'm not interested in dating right now but do enjoy women as friends, as I have throughout my life. That has always been my focus here. I think, if you read my journals, you'll have a better understanding of my perspective.
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