Ody Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Well, the other day we were emailing and he suddenly stopped. I've been away but will be back at work later today. Feel very weird and slightly depressed. Time to move on I guess. As everyone else pointed out he's probably attracted to you and unlikely to be looking for just another platonic buddy. Do you have his phone number? If so give him a call and see if he'd like to get dinner or drinks. If not, ask him if he has friday night plans the next time you see him in person. This will immediately answer your original question, and remove the ambiguous and slow email exchange factor (which can be frustrating on both sides). Good luck.
DanielMadr Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 As everyone else pointed out he's probably attracted to you and unlikely to be looking for just another platonic buddy. Do you have his phone number? If so give him a call and see if he'd like to get dinner or drinks. If not, ask him if he has friday night plans the next time you see him in person. This will immediately answer your original question, and remove the ambiguous and slow email exchange factor (which can be frustrating on both sides). Good luck. Women are terrified of rejection...their fragile ego couldn't take it. That's why they are afraid to initiate. There is a reason girls dont initiate. It's evolutionary. There is a good chance that a guy who is afraid to initiate is afraid in general (other men, wild animals, his mother etc.). They need someone who is not afraid...women are afraid all the time they don't need someone alike.
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 As everyone else pointed out he's probably attracted to you and unlikely to be looking for just another platonic buddy. Do you have his phone number? If so give him a call and see if he'd like to get dinner or drinks. If not, ask him if he has friday night plans the next time you see him in person. This will immediately answer your original question, and remove the ambiguous and slow email exchange factor (which can be frustrating on both sides). Good luck. Thanks Ody. I'll see how it goes if I run into him. Seeing as he dropped out of our email exchange I don't see myself calling him.
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Women are terrified of rejection...their fragile ego couldn't take it. That's why they are afraid to initiate. There is a reason girls dont initiate. It's evolutionary. There is a good chance that a guy who is afraid to initiate is afraid in general (other men, wild animals, his mother etc.). They need someone who is not afraid...women are afraid all the time they don't need someone alike. Ahh, you're one of those guys who likes to incite people, I see. Good luck with that.
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I always like to refer to When Harry met Sally in these types of situations because it is soooo true. Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally: Why not? Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: You only think you do. Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: How do you know? Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too. Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you? Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry: Guess not. Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.
Ody Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Thanks Ody. I'll see how it goes if I run into him. Seeing as he dropped out of our email exchange I don't see myself calling him. Dropped out as in a few days of no email, or a few weeks?
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 I always like to refer to When Harry met Sally in these types of situations because it is soooo true. Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally: Why not? Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: You only think you do. Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: How do you know? Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too. Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you? Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry: Guess not. Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York. Haha I love that movie! Have seen it many times. Own the DVD. That's a good exchange. (Best line though - "I'll have what she's having.") It's happened to me many times that I've been friends with a guy and his extreme interest in me turned out to include non-platonic thoughts. It did ultimately doom things. But this time we became friends as both of us went from being taken to be heartbroken to getting past it. I think there was always a spark but now I have space for it. Well, here's a first for me, a friend I actually do want to sleep with. Hmm
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Dropped out as in a few days of no email, or a few weeks? Two days.
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Adjust perspective Yeah, I think so. It's been really helpful to just write this stuff out. Made me realize how out of whack my mind went. And to answer your earlier question(s)... we did become confidantes about each other's relationships and why they ended. I told him things I've only told my closest friends. And I never regretted telling him. We were/are very supportive of each other. Have tons in common. I think what threw me is all of a sudden the "weight" of the intimacy we had developed became apparent. And I mean "weight" as in quantity, not burden. Blew my mind a little.
DanielMadr Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Ahh, you're one of those guys who likes to incite people, I see. Good luck with that. With all due respect...What are you talking about?
Ody Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Two days. Lol, oh if I wrote off every chick who slow played email for two days... well let's just say I'd go on many fewer dates. Call him up, today. See what he's doing saturday night.
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 With all due respect...What are you talking about? It was good-natured on my part. Was referring to you saying that women are cowards. I've been watching this board and that kind of comment tends to bring about some heated responses.
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Lol, oh if I wrote off every chick who slow played email for two days... well let's just say I'd go on many fewer dates. Call him up, today. See what he's doing saturday night. Thanks. I'll probably run into him later today. Will talk to him then.
DanielMadr Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 It was good-natured on my part. Was referring to you saying that women are cowards. I've been watching this board and that kind of comment tends to bring about some heated responses. Oh OK then Yes it does bring some flaming, sometimes I wonder why. I'm not saying cowards are bad to kittens or something. Good luck with your guy btw. XOX
carhill Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Ah, back on track. OP, your 'sharing' affects the dynamic. It affects his psychology. It changes how he processes your interactions and his interest. It's possible, and has happened to me, that the romantic interest which may have initially been there has evolved into something else. Only way to know is to proceed and have patience. Otherwise, say goodbye and move on. That's my opinion.
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Oh OK then Yes it does bring some flaming, sometimes I wonder why. I'm not saying cowards are bad to kittens or something. Good luck with your guy btw. XOX Thanks Daniel. Haha on the cowards bad to kittens remark.
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Ah, back on track. OP, your 'sharing' affects the dynamic. It affects his psychology. It changes how he processes your interactions and his interest. It's possible, and has happened to me, that the romantic interest which may have initially been there has evolved into something else. Only way to know is to proceed and have patience. Otherwise, say goodbye and move on. That's my opinion. How do you mean it affects his psychology?
carhill Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 The 'stuff' you shared when he was your tampon friend changes how he sees you as a woman and potential romantic partner. Guys who listen to women but don't really hear them generally don't have this problem. Shy guys tend to internalize more and often do have such difficulties. They still may have attraction, but it's 'complex', rather than a simple 'I wanna f*ck you'. IMO, the psychological change comes from the way brain chemicals are released during the initial attraction phase and then altered as the reality of the situation unfolds, in this case the reality of perhaps being attracted to someone exiting a LTR and looking for a friend and confidant and some emotional and physical validation. Once the guy moved to set aside attraction and prioritize the other aspects, it changes his brain chemistry. For me, the 'passion' goes away. You may see instances from your own life where you've transitioned from being attracted to a man to having feelings more in line with a platonic friend. Look at how that works for you. We see that a fair amount here on LS where women use the line 'I love you but am not in love with you and am not sexually attracted to you anymore.' I'm offering this as one potential. There are many. They will become more clear as time proceeds.
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Thanks Carhill. Actually, he was the one who initiated all the probing for details. And I've noticed his attraction and flirting seems to be growing over time. Perhaps as I am became more receptive. Who knows though. Time will tell, as you said. I have seen instances when I've started out attracted but then wanted platonic. It's usually, for me, when things have changed emotionally, when I've been hurt by them.
carhill Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Actually, he was the one who initiated all the probing for details.This is normal. I do the same thing. If the guy is shy, it's part of the psychology of connection. The tampon part only enters when it becomes a one-way flow of validation. Perhaps I presumed in error, based on long life experience
Author Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 This is normal. I do the same thing. If the guy is shy, it's part of the psychology of connection. The tampon part only enters when it becomes a one-way flow of validation. Perhaps I presumed in error, based on long life experience It's not been one-way, I don't think. He talks to me about what's going on for him as well. In fact, one of the things that attracted me was the give and take as opposed to just one way or another.
phineas Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 This is normal. I do the same thing. If the guy is shy, it's part of the psychology of connection. The tampon part only enters when it becomes a one-way flow of validation. Perhaps I presumed in error, based on long life experience So, what is a man to do to head off the emotional tampon affect? I personally only need to hear enough about an ex to know he aint coming back into the picture & aint coming after me for talking to "his woman". But once a woman starts bitching about an ex, sometimes, they just don't want to stop. what do you do? Try to one-up them? I can't see a two-way bitch session about ex's being a good move.
carhill Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I'll share a tidbit which might help you understand his psychology, if this pull-back extends beyond a few days, which easily could be situational. When I was pedestal-building in my mind (not easily obvious), I didn't pay a lot of attention to my own needs and focused more on who was on the pedestal. I was validated by the interaction and connecting. It only happened much later, after psychological therapy, that I could clearly see the demarcations between 'real' give and take and what I thought and felt to be give and take prior. IMO, if you're giving, and this means proactive interest, support and care, not just listening (listening is what a therapist does; friends care), and he cares, based on his behaviors towards you so far, he will process that in a positive way and wish to continue with you, no matter what his romantic perspective is. Does that sound reasonable to you? My tampon analogy only becomes relevant when the care is one-way. How much do you care? Let your actions show whatever that level of care is TBH, it's probably better to just have a guy who wants to f*ck you and that's it, but, hey, it's LS
carhill Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 So, what is a man to do to head off the emotional tampon affect? What I did with my friend was make her aware that I needed proactive interest and care to feel as an equal. I gave her examples of what would be valuable to me. Her subsequent silence described the dynamic. I was a tampon. I likely always was, unfortunately. Set your boundaries and enforce them. It's real simple. Painful sometimes, but simple. IME, you'll feel a lot better when you do.
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