tami-chan Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 You are not giving the party, your sister in law is...so she can invite whomever she wants. But the fact that she thought of you and ask how you would feel about it is very nice of her...be gracious and let her know you appreciate that she considered your feelings but tell her it is up to her since it is her party.
HarmonyHope Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 She didn't get invited yet. They wanted to check with me first. To see if I'd mind that she go. That fact in itself seems like a good thing. The sisters respecting you enough to at least ask you first, which sounds like a real positive from where your interactions were before. Maybe try to focus on the positive.
fooled once Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 As someone who is a 2nd wife, I can tell you that my H's ex wife is NEVER invited to stuff with nieces and nephews and my H is never invited to stuff with his ex's nieces and nephews. Same with me and my ex. I haven't seen his family since the divorce (THANK GOD) and he has only seen my parents back when he would bring back my son from visitation. There is NO REASON for ex's to be included unless they are all still very close. I think it is sweet of the daughter (I am assuming it is the 16 year old) who wants mom to be invited, but come on ---- enough already. There is no reason for ex's to be at family functions. Ex's aren't family anymore -- they are extended birth people LOL
Lucky_One Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Oh my!! Seems like from the the time at the bridal shower, when she introduced herself to me, that I find myself at the rehearsal dinner sitting together & at the wedding on the dance floor with her. Now at a birthday party. Enough's enough now. Too close for my comfort. She's sweet, and you go shopping for her at the grocery store since she broke her foot. So what's the big deal if she goes to a nephew's birthday party?
Author TogetherForever Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 As someone who is a 2nd wife, I can tell you that my H's ex wife is NEVER invited to stuff with nieces and nephews and my H is never invited to stuff with his ex's nieces and nephews. Same with me and my ex. I haven't seen his family since the divorce (THANK GOD) and he has only seen my parents back when he would bring back my son from visitation. There is NO REASON for ex's to be included unless they are all still very close. I think it is sweet of the daughter (I am assuming it is the 16 year old) who wants mom to be invited, but come on ---- enough already. There is no reason for ex's to be at family functions. Ex's aren't family anymore -- they are extended birth people LOL "You marry the man, not the family" IMO also.
Author TogetherForever Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 You are not giving the party, your sister in law is...so she can invite whomever she wants. But the fact that she thought of you and ask how you would feel about it is very nice of her...be gracious and let her know you appreciate that she considered your feelings but tell her it is up to her since it is her party. It wasn't even the sister who's throwing the party who called me. Another sister called. The only sister out of 4 who is still in touch with the exw. Sister B asked Sister A if exw could come to the party. Sister A said "ask our brother & his woman, It's not up to me".
outofthedark Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I completely understand the position you are in. If they hadnt invited her yet and were asking you, i think that speaks volumes that they do now consider you as family and your feelings. Be honest without reminding them how you felt. Just that it would make you uncomfortable NOW. Stay in the present, I know it is easier said than done, but it really helps to remember to stay in the now. Good luck
Author TogetherForever Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 I completely understand the position you are in. If they hadnt invited her yet and were asking you, i think that speaks volumes that they do now consider you as family and your feelings. Be honest without reminding them how you felt. Just that it would make you uncomfortable NOW. Stay in the present, I know it is easier said than done, but it really helps to remember to stay in the now. Good luck Ditto here OOTD! I'm still waiting to see if exw decides to go. I spoke to my guy about this & he said he will do whatever it takes to make the situation comfortable for ME. I told him that I don't want this to become a habit. He talked to his sister & they agree'd with me. Once in a while is ok but not all the time.
Author TogetherForever Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 She told his sister she felt out of place.
Lucky_One Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 She's sweet, and you go shopping for her at the grocery store since she broke her foot. So what's the big deal if she goes to a nephew's birthday party? I still don't get the problem. Apparently you interact with her on a casual day-to-day basis; why does the event being a birthday party change things?
Dexter Morgan Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 and asks if I mind if his exwife comes to the birthday party on saturday. Of course I don't mind. I'm a better person than that to say no. BUT, do they remember how many family functions I didn't attend or wasn't invited to, just not to upset her??? Just debating wether or not to bring this up to him & his sisters. no, it doesn't matter that you weren't invited to his family functions when you were the interloper. They have a bond with her obviously and want her to be included, especially if there are children involved. YOU, on the other hand, were not the wife at the time of these family functions, so of course they aren't going to invite you. and if they were functions after the divorce, unless they told their brother/son that you specifically aren't welcome, then you not attending is nobody's fault but you and your man. If they invite him, then you are invited if your man so chooses. And his family probably holds some amount of resentment, but out of respect for their brother, son, they are being civil towards you. Thank your lucky stars for that and don't rock the boat more than you already have.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Plus, I want to remind them all of how they treated me as an outsider. thats just it, you WERE an outsider. you were participating in an affair with a MM, their brother/son. What were they suppose to do? Welcome you with open arms? Consider yourself lucky and realize that YOU WERE the outsider and interloper. There is going to be animosity towards you. Looks like since his sister felt comfortable enough to call you that maybe that animosity may be diminishing. And over time things will probably be normal and you will be integrated into the family just fine. but YOU need to be the one to be patient. YOU were part of the problem as they probably see it. You need to give them time to come to terms with it. Not get all pissy because they didn't open their loving arms to you when he was still married to their nephew's mother. they had every right. again, be thankful you are even getting that much respect for his sister to feel comfortable enough to call you.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Well - you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you tell them NOT to invite her and she finds out, then not only are you the bad person to the family but again to her. If you tell them to invite her - you will be awkward, feel awkward. too bad.. welcome to the wonderful world of divorce and dealing with the people you didn't treat all that well. she wanted a MM, she takes all that comes with it.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 That was my wrong doing NID. I was gonna tell him & his sisters, & his mom actually, how they made me feel back then. BUT it wasn't them. It was him trying to lessen the drama with his wife at my expense. ok, i had to comment on this. at your expense? The only one this got expensive for was his wife. and here you were messing with a MM, causing pain, the destruction of a family was coming near............but you felt bad because his family didn't like it all. OF COURSE THEY DIDN'T like it. Quit worrying about how you were treated and perceived back then when it was all your own, and your man's doing. what is it about people that do things to cause others pain, then are surprised at the way they are treated. If someone hurt someone close to you, if you think you would be all smiles with them and exchange pleasantries.....think again. quite worrying about how they treated you in the past. own up to your actions and realize they have consequences, and realize that his family is probably in a much different place and mindset with regards to you NOW.
Author TogetherForever Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I still don't get the problem. Apparently you interact with her on a casual day-to-day basis; why does the event being a birthday party change things? No I don't. I've interacted with her on 3 occasions. The bridal shower, the rehearsal dinner & the wedding.
Lucky_One Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Oh no no no. SHe & I are cordial to each other. She's a sweetheart. Geez, I pick up things at the store for her if she needs something while in a cast. I am not a mean person NID. I just don't think that, because I've met the exw & we are amicable, that we need to do things together all the time. I thought that you are helping her out while her foot's messed up?
Author TogetherForever Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 ok, i had to comment on this. at your expense? The only one this got expensive for was his wife. and here you were messing with a MM, causing pain, the destruction of a family was coming near............but you felt bad because his family didn't like it all. OF COURSE THEY DIDN'T like it. Quit worrying about how you were treated and perceived back then when it was all your own, and your man's doing. what is it about people that do things to cause others pain, then are surprised at the way they are treated. If someone hurt someone close to you, if you think you would be all smiles with them and exchange pleasantries.....think again. quite worrying about how they treated you in the past. own up to your actions and realize they have consequences, and realize that his family is probably in a much different place and mindset with regards to you NOW. Ok dad/mom. Obviously you have not read my story here from years ago. When you do, then I'll listen to your bs. K, thanks.
Author TogetherForever Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I thought that you are helping her out while her foot's messed up? I picked up smokes for her a few times since she broke her foot. I don't wanna hold her hand or anything.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 TF, Gosh, in my own messed up family I am thankful for an XSIL who had custody of my husband's brother's children, always including me in their life. Husbands brother and his XW did not speak unless they had to and avoided contact at all cost. She, kept my daughter and I in the loop and invited us to everything. Our daughters are over 20 now (16 yrs later) and the best of friends, even though it was uncomfortable for me to be around her family I loved my niece and their divorce, in my mind and thankfully hers, didn't include the family. She and I were never really close, just friendly, and my BIL's NEW wife became a VERY good friend of mine. Her daughter by a previous marriage is as much family to me as any of my nieces and nephews, and I thank her for that. The BIG one though is my (crazy) sister's X husband. He was a brother to me, his family I considered family, and our families (parents, siblings ect.) celebrated holidays together even when sister and BIL lived out of town. After my sister divorced him, remarried, divorced again and ended up writing off her own family, I would have never seen my nieces and nephews again had it not been for my XBIL and now his wife. They live 1000 miles away and he has made sure that we see them. Not only that HIS family invites my other sister and I to anything they have planned. His mom called to keep up with us until she died. That to me, is the most incredible blessing from dear people who didn't have to do that, especially since my sister had treated their son, brother, whatever so terribly. The big hero in my mind though is XBIL's new wife. She has two kids of her own, which makes 6 for them all together. She is willing not only to spend time visiting us on their trips down (vacation). Take my children with them. Send her kids with his down for visits during the summer, BUT she also endures my other sister and my family being invited on their yearly family vacation. My other sister will spend the entirety (she has no kids or spouse) and I usually come for a day or two to see the kids. I can't believe this woman, even if she is a saint, WANTS to spend her vacation with us, BUT in my book she is a Godsend. I've told her over and over ad nauseam. My point is that because some adults have been very adult about the split ups, my family hasn't had a member snatched away because of a split up. We respect the position of everyone involved, but are so lucky that simply because of split ups, and even in my case a not so sane member, we are all still very much still family. Heck, my kids even got a new aunt of of the deal and they love her to death, though probably not as much as I do.
Author TogetherForever Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 IWWH, Thank you for sharing that!! It won't turn out like that in this case though. The exwife stays home & the kids/young adults attend the family functions.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) Ok dad/mom. Obviously you have not read my story here from years ago. When you do, then I'll listen to your bs. K, thanks. its only bs to you because here you are, the OW of this families son/brother...and you are all pissy because they didn't welcome you with open arms. its bs to you because you don't want to hear it. bottom line, of course they didn't treat you well in the beginning. what matters is now after the storm has passed. you have a family, that for all practical purposes, would still be justified in giving you the cold shoulder. But they aren't. They are communicating with you. asking your opinion. be thankful for that. otherwise all you are doing is being pissy with people that understandably had a problem with you, but now don't. And I can't find your story from you here years ago. So tell you what, post the link, I will read it. And if the situation isn't what I thought it was, I'll apologize. Edited November 16, 2009 by Dexter Morgan
Dexter Morgan Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Ok, found your story. If I now understand correctly, you were not the OW (although you are posting in an OM/OW section....so I have to now wonder why). Am I reading correctly? You were not the OW? Here is what I read, but can't tell if you were the OW before they decided to split: "A friend suggested that I post my situation on this forum. I have been with my s/o since August of 2000. January was 5 years we've been living together. He is not yet divorced & his wife has been seeing someone now for 3 years. " Not alot of info, but if you were not the OW and you met not yet divorced MM while they were separated, then my most humble apologies. But please clarify, if you were the OW, my comments stand. If not, my apologies.
Author TogetherForever Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Ok, found your story. If I now understand correctly, you were not the OW (although you are posting in an OM/OW section....so I have to now wonder why). Am I reading correctly? You were not the OW? Here is what I read, but can't tell if you were the OW before they decided to split: "A friend suggested that I post my situation on this forum. I have been with my s/o since August of 2000. January was 5 years we've been living together. He is not yet divorced & his wife has been seeing someone now for 3 years. " Not alot of info, but if you were not the OW and you met not yet divorced MM while they were separated, then my most humble apologies. But please clarify, if you were the OW, my comments stand. If not, my apologies. I was considered the ow because they were seperated but not divorced. That's why I posted here way back when & why I still post here.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I was considered the ow because they were seperated but not divorced. That's why I posted here way back when & why I still post here. so if I understand you correctly, they were already seperated BEFORE you were even in the picture? If so, my apologies if I sound harsh. But it still may be a hard pill for his family to swallow. If they are in a different place now, run with it. Like someone else here said, if you feel the need to put it in their face of how you were treated at the start, then they might oblige you and think why should they bother trying to incorporate you in the family...they can go back to treating you the way they did at the start which still isn't clear on how, i.e. did they tell their brother/son to specifically keep you away from family functions? Or when inviting him they just didn't mention you...could it be they just assumed you would come if he was invited? Maybe they weren't comfortable with the change yet.
White Flower Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 You could always tell her when you're alone that you've always considered her feelings and this time is not the first.
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