I really WANT him to be caught most days ....

[lostndiego]

OMG!

 

This is WHY I can't read this crap. JWI, there are SOOOO many people out here like you. Are you a man hater?

 

I am NOT going to go into detail about my relationship with MB so you (and others) can bash me.

 

There is a HOARD of you that bash people and have ZERO compassion or understanding. You come on the board to bash people. The worst part is that there are more of YOU than people who MIGHT remotely understand on this board.

 

MB knows how I feel about her. I know she needs to protect her heart.

 

Think what you like, I am not that manipulative.

 

And NO, I REALLY wont be back.

 

 

 

 

In an A there are at least FOUR sides...your W has one too ya know. So do the children.

 

You will judged by others just as you judge others. Get off the "don't judge me bit"...its a defensive reaction against viewpoints you don't like.

 

Then she should have told you. And the bigger question is why didn't she TRUST you enough to tell you in the first place? The opposite side of the coin is why didn't you pick up on it?

 

Manipulation pure and simple. First...the hook of "I believe we are in love".

Notice he didn't write "I love MB" - he "believes" it is, but maybe not...and if not, well, I was mistaken. Oops, silly me. And further note this went from "connection" (wtf is that) to "believing it is love". Manipulation. Then the excuse. Its an expensive house and will take some time to sell. And, if the diego in the name refers to San Diego, you gotta long wait MB. But do it for love. Or in the belief that the connection is love.

 

This is little more than stringing you along. He won't tell the W and I bet he hasn't filed yet. He's asking you to wait and the bait is "I believe its love"...gag

 

Tell me about it. Oh wait, MB has been for a while now...

 

Why do you keep repeating this? Hmmm....

 

Such as you will D when the economy is "better". Got it.

 

Such as...

You're a pretty good manipulator. Turning her words against her and trying to convince her to "be patient". After all, you said you'd do anything and in this case "anything" is wait. No, no date given. An ephemeral "...some time...". So, MB, your MM will actually file for D when the housing market improves. Long wait my dear. Of course, that's what he wants...you waiting around while he excuses his lack of D.

 

Such a nice good kind person I will ambush D her when the housing market improves. Red flag anyone? MB?

 

File for D and move out NOW. Rent an apartment, take the financial hit and PROVE with ACTIONS your love. Or your belief its love. Introduce MB to your family as the woman you love and plan to marry AFTER you D your W.

What's stopping you?

 

If your M is hopelessly broken...you have NOTHING to lose. Right?

 

OMG. Again, lame manipulation. If you leave now I won't be back. If only MB were that lucky.

 

MB, he is terrified that cooler, logical heads are opening your eyes. That people on the outside with no vested emotional interest are defending you and crucifying him. He is afraid of being exposed. He feels the pulling away you are doing is attempting a full court press to reign you back in. To regain his CONTROL over you.

 

His words reek of manipulation and control. Its disgusting.

 

Tell that to your W.

Would you kindly stop lame attempts to emotionally control her? Its getting old at this point. You are basically saying..."If you love me, you will be kind (to me), wait (for me) and endure (me)". Gag.

 

You can't say something is "wrong" then, in the next sentence, say you wouldn't undo it. A bit of a contradiction methinks.

 

Buts its really designed to hook MB deeper. I have to admit, its a great Harlequin romance novel line. Again, I think he feels his control weakening and is using her avenue of escape (LS) to reign her in. He simultaneously pollutes this avenue for her in an attempt to cut the contact to LS and uses the "love" hook. Where the cooler non-invested lay and speak to her. Words he doesn't like. So he lays a little trap: The bashers on LS are doing this to you. Not me. I love you. You say you love me...so wait. If you don't wait, I wont be back because then you didn't really love me to begin with and won't be there when it really matters.

 

:sick::sick:

See it MB?

 

Oh, you'll be back. You never left. You've been reading and "gaining advantage" since you found LS...

 

MB,

 

I see NOTHING here that indicates any ACTIONS. Only words and promises of actions to come. Its up to you to wait. Another year. Maybe two. Maybe longer. Maybe not. I see NOTHING here that hasn't been posted on LS 1000 times before "my MM said to wait for...".

 

I think he is manipulating you. I would walk despite his threat to not return if you do. You feel that tightening in your chest? He is counting on it to CONTROL you. Every word you write here on LS is another bullet in his gun.

 

Walk from LS. Walk from him.

 

Good luck.

[bentnotbroken]

OMG!

 

This is WHY I can't read this crap. JWI, there are SOOOO many people out here like you. Are you a man hater?

 

I am NOT going to go into detail about my relationship with MB so you (and others) can bash me.

 

There is a HOARD of you that bash people and have ZERO compassion or understanding. You come on the board to bash people. The worst part is that there are more of YOU than people who MIGHT remotely understand on this board.

 

MB knows how I feel about her. I know she needs to protect her heart.

 

Think what you like, I am not that manipulative.

 

And NO, I REALLY wont be back.

 

 

 

 

In an A there are at least FOUR sides...your W has one too ya know. So do the children.

 

You will judged by others just as you judge others. Get off the "don't judge me bit"...its a defensive reaction against viewpoints you don't like.

 

 

:laugh::laugh: He lasted longer than I expected. :laugh:

[Brokenlady]

Broke:

 

She cheated on her XH with me. We were both each others' #2's as you state. She was divorced earlier this year. She is #1 in my heart and she knows that.

 

I'd really like to respond to this, but I don't want to post certain info here - I'll send a PM to MB since you don't have PM capability yet.

 

It will hurt bc MB is the last thing I think of when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I awake.

 

I am not seeking to 'punish' her for ANY of her decisions. The other half of that equation is that it would hurt me to know she is with other guys in the interim (if that is what she wanted). In that scenario she is better off without me. And I am better off without her.

 

Shared lonliness is hard. Unshared lonliness is harder.

 

Just because she needs a break doesn't mean she has any interest in seeing other people. I understand the level of commitment you want from her. My breaks were usually only a few days at a time, and it was never my intention to see others - just a temporary reprieve from the intense emotions.

 

I just hope you understand what you're asking of her. I know you need to grieve your marriage, but please don't lose sight of your relationship with her. My DM has a tendency to let his guilt overshadow things and it chips away out our relationship. If you truly intend to end up with her for life, it's mportant you don't cause too much damage now.

[lostndiego]

TY for your responses. They mean a lot.

 

I have taken your replies and pasted them into a word document.

 

I cant take the 'hating'. I wont be back.

 

 

Lostndiego,

 

You sound like my DM (divorced man's) twin. All he keeps asking for is patience to complete the emotional divorce (which takes MUCH longer than the legal one). But how much of her life should she spend waiting for you to really embrace her? Keep in mind what it means when you ask for patience - you're asking her to continue to be second best, to allow you to keep another woman in your heart and soothe you through grieving your marriage. That is a lot to ask. I can tell you from experience as someone in her position that it is excruciating.

 

 

 

My Dm says the same thing. He very much fears ending up alone. I don't think you should seek to punish her for trying to protect her feelings while you go through what will mostly likely be a long period of back and forth about your marriage ending. That isn't fair, and if you truly love her, you can respect that. Nevertheless, I doubt very much that she will abandon you completely, but she may need breaks now and then. I did.

 

 

 

Think carefully about this in the other direction. It was ok for you to set the precedent to cheat and treat her like #2 and she allowed it. But you are saying this is unacceptable and to take it to it's logical conclusion, she should dump you. Maybe you want to re-evaluate this line of thinking.

[whichwayisup]

I hope you stay and just ignore the other comments. Not all around here are rude. Harsh, yes..Which is a good thing because harshness makes one stop and think..

 

I think some are reacting to their own situations, as well as some who are protective of MB. Have you really sat and read all her threads? Do you see the pain she was/in? It's hard for those who are her friends on here, and they do jump to her defense.

[norajane]

There is a HOARD of you that bash people and have ZERO compassion or understanding. You come on the board to bash people. The worst part is that there are more of YOU than people who MIGHT remotely understand on this board.

We have compassion. We just save it for the people who are being strung along by some guy who is making them miserable on a daily basis and who are forced to come here to seek support because they are miserable....our compassion is not for the guy stringing them along.

 

MB knows how I feel about her. I know she needs to protect her heart.

 

Think what you like, I am not that manipulative.

And yet, MB is here every day sharing how unhappy she is. And yet, you have been in this affair for a year, and have been lying and deceiving your wife every day which is indeed manipulative behavior. And yet, you have been in this affair for a year and have not filed for divorce but you want MB to stay by your side indefinitely. And yet, no one has benefited from any of this except you. Yes, that is indeed manipulative.

[jwi71]

OMG!

 

This is WHY I can't read this crap. JWI, there are SOOOO many people out here like you. Are you a man hater?

 

Being a man myself, no...Im not a man-hater.

Merely providing my opinions of what YOU wrote to MB.

And make NO mistake...I'm on HER side. I look after HER and HER well being.

 

I am NOT going to go into detail about my relationship with MB so you (and others) can bash me.

I gave my OPINION of YOUR words.

 

There is an ignore feature. Put me on it and you won't have to read my posts. Or you can hit the "Alert us" button if you feel I have "bashed you" in violation of the ToS. This button is available for ALL to use on ANY post. Tony is a VERY attentive mod. You can also chose to do both.

 

The one thing YOU WONT DO, is answer the questions or, as her first post here says...decide.

 

Like, have you filed for divorce? Well...have you? PROVE IT to MB then.

Like, have you introduced her to your family? Have you?

 

There is a HOARD of you that bash people and have ZERO compassion or understanding. You come on the board to bash people. The worst part is that there are more of YOU than people who MIGHT remotely understand on this board.

I came here to support MB. And my support for MB is not the digital hugs or "rah-rah" cheer leading. Its an analysis of what you say and what I think it means...overtly or between the lines. Its asking questions so SHE SEEKS ANSWERS.

 

YOU don't like it because it casts YOU in a bad light. But YOU have done that to yourself...no one else. You don't want to be seen as "bad"...then ACT good. See how easy that is?

 

MB knows how I feel about her. I know she needs to protect her heart.

Do you not see the contradiction here? Why does she NEED to protect her heart (from you)?

 

Think what you like, I am not that manipulative.

Yes you are. Your words as highlighted reek of it. That post of yours was designed to CONTROL and MANIPULATE MB.

[herenow]

OMG!

 

This is WHY I can't read this crap. JWI, there are SOOOO many people out here like you. Are you a man hater?

 

I am NOT going to go into detail about my relationship with MB so you (and others) can bash me.

 

There is a HOARD of you that bash people and have ZERO compassion or understanding. You come on the board to bash people. The worst part is that there are more of YOU than people who MIGHT remotely understand on this board.

 

MB knows how I feel about her. I know she needs to protect her heart.

 

Think what you like, I am not that manipulative.

 

And NO, I REALLY wont be back.

 

 

 

 

 

OMG, a man who uses the phase OMG!

 

IMO, these two thrive on drama. It seems to me like they can be together now if they really wanted to, but what fun would that be?

[herenow]

We have compassion. We just save it for the people who are being strung along by some guy who is making them miserable on a daily basis and who are forced to come here to seek support because they are miserable....our compassion is not for the guy stringing them along.

 

And yet, MB is here every day sharing how unhappy she is. And yet, you have been in this affair for a year, and have been lying and deceiving your wife every day which is indeed manipulative behavior. And yet, you have been in this affair for a year and have not filed for divorce but you want MB to stay by your side indefinitely. And yet, no one has benefited from any of this except you. Yes, that is indeed manipulative.

 

OMG NJ, he isn't coming back because he can't take the "haters". I think he (if it really is a he) is baiting us. In most cases, the one who plays the bashing card is the one who starts the conflict. JMO

 

I'm outta here, have a great day. And no I won't be back.

[HarmonyHope]

OMG, a man who uses the phase OMG!

 

IMO, these two thrive on drama. It seems to me like they can be together now if they really wanted to, but what fun would that be?

 

Totally unneccessary vitriol. What exactly WAS the point of your post?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

WOW! So there you have it MB! An ultimatum! That's what you get for hanging around waiting on him to leave his M. Will you counter with an ultimatum of your own?? Apparently that is fair game within your relationship!

 

 

Your pain is obviously proof of your love to him. I know a few people like that. Your actions serve as indicators of future behaviors yet his do not. The house goes up AFTER the holidays, divorce will take a while because they can't afford to live on their own? Can he not move in with you or does that affect your own situation financialy?

 

Atleast you have your answer, stick around for as long as it takes or he will not be returning to you when he eventually leaves. What will you do?

 

I also find it amazing that he doesn't have enough love for his W's kids to want to stay in their lives. Would this be his 3rd marriage (once the house sells and he can afford a divorce, I mean)?

 

I would be mortified if someone who supposedly loved me wrote that on a public forum for the world to see. Hopefully his wife will expedite things.

[MizzBlue72]

To all who have posted:

 

This has been one hell of a hard post to read, and I know I needed to read this today and I am glad I did.

 

I would like to respond if I could -- not defending anything that I did, or what the MM did. Just pure facts.

 

Lostindiego is the MM who I have had a relationship with. It started about a year and a half ago. We both had horrible marriages (which does NOT make having an A any better). I think this makes having an A even worse.

I should have been stronger and NOT went looking for an A. But I did - and I own that.

 

I came to this board because I did hurt. REALLY hurt. I feel in love with him. The NSA A that I wanted turned into a relationship (as WARPED as it was) and from my posts, it has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. Again - I could have and should have had enough balls to end this a LONG time ago. I did not, so it lingers on.

 

I did NOT tell the MM about the posts or my activity on this board on on LS because I needed a safe place where I could hear from OW/OM and BS to try and gain perspective. Why did I NOT tell him exactly how bad I hurt? I was stupid, afraid. Afraid that if I really opened up and let my fears be known that would make me even MORE vunerable than I already was. I did send an email in May 09 asking MM if he loved me. I needed to know . I needed to know if he loved me so I could make a decision on whether or not to pour more emotions and energy into this. His reply shocked me - he stated that he did NOT love me, and that I would find 'someone' -- just not him. THAT statement in itself killed me. I should've walked then ... I tried to. I tried dating another person, and he never had a chance. I always compared the single guy to MM.

 

Flash forward to June 09 ... MM stated that he did love me, he did not want to lose me. This was SO hard. I waited since Oct 08 to hear those words from him!! I was ready - ERALLY ready to end it with him, and I didn't. I loved him too. So - I stayed.

 

Why did I not tell him how this tears me up inside?? I have at times. I did not use all of the words that I did in these forums. I did not tell him of the disdain I had everytime he talked of his homelife, etc. I knew that this was NOT my placve, and if this A was to continue, I would need to keep that part of me separate and deal with it on my own. Stupid of me?? Yeah - extremely.

 

I never really put any effort into thinking that he would actually leave his wife and be with me. Why?? In my opinion, I thought all the reasons he had not left yet were stalling tactics. After reading posts on this board, these feelings that he stalled were more than confirmed -- MM have done this ALL the time!! And we, the OW sit back and wait. WHY?? I would like to state here that it is love that keeps me here, right where I am, but on most days, I can honestly answer that it is stupidity that keeps me here.

 

I DO NOT want to be involved in MM leaving his W. I want no part of that. I asked him multiple times if he could and wuld just give this up and work on his marriage. He refused. I should have given it up for him. If I truly loved him unconditionally, I would have seen many months ago that this is NOT good and that the focus needs to be on him and his marriage.

 

Long story short: yes, I did keep secrets from the MM. Why?? I need to protect myself and my heart. I have done a REALLY crappy job at doing this - my track record of being involved with a MM proves this. But I was ALSO married when I met MM. Neither of us knew what would happen, we never wanted our lives to change. Bad morals?? YES.

 

Do I trust him completely? No, and he knows this. I have heard that he may move out here to where I am and it's not an 'if' anymore but a 'when'. I'm not stupid, or naive (although some may say my actions are) so seeing is believing. I WANT to trust him completely, but he is in a M with hiw W, and no matter how I spin that, I can't.

[MizzBlue72]

And I am truly sorry for hurting the MM for my posts on this board, and I do not take any of them back.

 

These were my feelings at the time and I needed to share them somewhere ... I needed to share this in a place where i would HEAR how much I messed up and people telling me 'what am I thinking?'??

 

Somewhere along the way I lost my moral compass ... LS and my family have really helped me to gain some of this back, along with some self respect.

 

I do love the MM. I always have. I always will and I want to see no harm come to him. I want him to be happy and healthy, and to find everything in life that he is searching for. Most days - I do not believe that is going to be me... and that is OK. I AM OK with that.

 

I really hope that he is too.

[whichwayisup]

Do I trust him completely? No, and he knows this. I have heard that he may move out here to where I am and it's not an 'if' anymore but a 'when'. I'm not stupid, or naive (although some may say my actions are) so seeing is believing. I WANT to trust him completely, but he is in a M with hiw W, and no matter how I spin that, I can't.

All you can do then is go on with your life. If he finally does divorce, and gives himself time to be alone, grow as a person, change some (cheating) habits, becomes a healthier person, THEN consider casually 'dating' him and get to know him under more normal circumstances. No sex, just take it slow and go from there. No need to hop back into the intensity of an affair setting.

[moaningmyrtle]

Just a quick question... Does your wife know yet about MB and how long your affair has been going on?

[scatterd]

wow this post made me wonder if I was the wife that was going to be left behind after the holidays are over.I wonder if the wife knows she sounded really nice but I was confused by the kids did they come from him or did he raise them.I feel for the ow and the wife.I am not a man hater but I wonder how such a nice wife has an an idea about this?So much pain so many lies what a life.Live,Love and learn.

[hopeless4u]

Today - I really don't know.

I have been in this A for over a year. I am single, he is not.

Some days - all I want is to NOT feel love for him, be able to hold my head up and walk away ... and then maybe I can get my **** together and move on.

 

I know that he will never tell his W. I know that he says that he is leaving - be patient, it will happen, but I have to tell you - some days are so incredibly hard.

 

He is just letting things 'work out' at home. No - he is not working on his marriage, he doesn't want to. He wants to leave, he says she wants to also, but neither one will make the first move....

 

Hell - even IF he leaves, there is no guarantee that we will ever work out.

 

I would NOT tell his BS about this - I never will. I strongly believe it is not my place to do this. Some days I just really REALLY wish that she would find out so MM would be forced to make a decision.

 

Hell - have I sunk this low in my life to NOT be able to stand up and tell him that he needs to make a decision?? And yeah - I think him talking to me most days is the WORST thing for both of us... I tell him I know he needs to work these things out in his time, and no - I am not pushing, but yeah, here I am whining about it you you all....

 

Most days I do want him to be caught. At least if his W knew, then someone would HAVE to either make a decision to make their marriage work or go their separate ways.

 

I really need to back out of their relationship and let them do what they need to do. I am just SO angry sometimes because MM says he loves me -- and hurt almost every day because I KNOW that if he really did love me and meant it - he would have done this by now.....

 

 

I so know how you feel, this is exactly how I feel.

I asked my xMM today how things were at home and what he was afraid of, 'everything' was pretty much his answer. Like you I know he will never leave by himself and he will never come clean to his W, I know he loves me but he's just to scared of everything he has to loose, he said he's heard of people who have left their M and regretted it and that there are no guarantees. He's a typical man, he'll stay in a place that is safe, he knows his W isn't going anywhere and as long as I'm still in his life he'll do nothing to change that.

 

I ended the PA a couple of weeks ago but the EA is still very much on, he's still doing all the things he's always done for me and more TBH, just without the sex!!

 

I too wish his W would find out and that would make him sort his **** out but like you I would never be the one to 'out him'.

 

At the moment he is the one who is sticking to no intimate contact, before when I've ended things he's deliberately teased me and we've fell back into things, this time he's being very careful how he is around me, not sure if thats him teaching me a lesson for ending things, part of the game or that he has finally 'had enough'. I know this whole A has made him ill, the guilt he feels for me, his W and his family but for some reason we both find it so hard to make that final break.

 

We have both said that if we knew 2 years ago that we would be like this now we would never had started this.

[hopeless4u]

And I am truly sorry for hurting the MM for my posts on this board, and I do not take any of them back.

 

These were my feelings at the time and I needed to share them somewhere ... I needed to share this in a place where i would HEAR how much I messed up and people telling me 'what am I thinking?'??

 

Somewhere along the way I lost my moral compass ... LS and my family have really helped me to gain some of this back, along with some self respect.

 

I do love the MM. I always have. I always will and I want to see no harm come to him. I want him to be happy and healthy, and to find everything in life that he is searching for. Most days - I do not believe that is going to be me... and that is OK. I AM OK with that.

 

I really hope that he is too.

 

 

In hadn't read the rest of the post's when I posted.....The situation is so similar it's scary!!

 

My xMM also reads my post's and the replies do hurt him, not enough for him to make any decisions or to post (for the reasons your MM will not be back!)

Why is it so unbelievable to some people that the MM wants to put his side of the story up and to defend his OW??

 

My heart goes out to you and MM, just because we make bad decisions and YES we have, doesn't make us bad people.

 

I think my xMM would benefit greatly with talking to your MM. I have told him about the post so maybe he will finally be brave enough to share.

 

Good luck to both of you and I hope you both find what you need to be happy x