I really WANT him to be caught most days ....

[MizzBlue72]

Today - I really don't know.

I have been in this A for over a year. I am single, he is not.

Some days - all I want is to NOT feel love for him, be able to hold my head up and walk away ... and then maybe I can get my **** together and move on.

 

I know that he will never tell his W. I know that he says that he is leaving - be patient, it will happen, but I have to tell you - some days are so incredibly hard.

 

He is just letting things 'work out' at home. No - he is not working on his marriage, he doesn't want to. He wants to leave, he says she wants to also, but neither one will make the first move....

 

Hell - even IF he leaves, there is no guarantee that we will ever work out.

 

I would NOT tell his BS about this - I never will. I strongly believe it is not my place to do this. Some days I just really REALLY wish that she would find out so MM would be forced to make a decision.

 

Hell - have I sunk this low in my life to NOT be able to stand up and tell him that he needs to make a decision?? And yeah - I think him talking to me most days is the WORST thing for both of us... I tell him I know he needs to work these things out in his time, and no - I am not pushing, but yeah, here I am whining about it you you all....

 

Most days I do want him to be caught. At least if his W knew, then someone would HAVE to either make a decision to make their marriage work or go their separate ways.

 

I really need to back out of their relationship and let them do what they need to do. I am just SO angry sometimes because MM says he loves me -- and hurt almost every day because I KNOW that if he really did love me and meant it - he would have done this by now.....

[whichwayisup]

Why don't YOU make the decision instead of putting it all on him? Even if his wife finds out, the chances are good that he'll end it with you, go into NC mode for a while then try to contact you again, so the A can pick up where it left off.

 

Take CONTROL and change your life if you're uhappy and sick of the rollercoaster ride. Why give him all the power?

 

Life is what you make it to be..The choice is yours.

[torranceshipman]

He hasn't left because he doesn't want to. Saying that they both want the M over but 'neither will make the first move' is about the lamest excuse I've ever heard, & also it doesn't even really make sense. He clearly wants a M to the woman he loves and wants to spend his life with (his W), but fancies a bit of good lovin' on the side for the ego boost, physical satisfaction, mid-life crisis need for drama etc. He's happy to lie to you consistently to get all this, despite knowing how miserable it is making you. Isn't it more appropriate response to get mad at him for treating you so badly?

[Spark1111]

Also, be careful what you wish for in the sense of the W finding out. LS, and the news, are filled with people who temporarily lose their minds upon discovery of a spouse's betrayal.

 

Do you want your texts and emails and photos ccd to your boss, your family, your pastor. Some even resort to vandalism, violence, or renting a billboard to humilliate the betrayers.

 

If he is serious about you, he should tell her and separate. Deal with the fallout like adults. Anything less than that may put you in harm's way.

 

I mean, who knows how a person will react when they stumble upon this information.

 

My husband told his OW that I didn't really care about the marriage and was in it for the paycheck.

 

The day I discovered the affair, I went crazy. Friends and family talked me out of stupid actions one minute, and I then talked them out of stupid actions the next.

 

People can get really crazy ideas when someone they love is roiling in pain.

 

Be careful.....Protect yourself first.

[Fallen Angel]

I know exactly what you mean though.... somedays I wish someone would say something to her about it, like a friend of the family, that way she can't just go on pretending it isn't happening which as long as only the three of us know, she isn't "losing face". It will take his youngest child being grown before he makes any decision other than both. Or it will take her or I to make the decision for him. I am at this point too weak to make the decision to walk away completely.

 

Thing is, so many people know. People who know her, but they don't say anything. *shrug* Sometimes though, I have fantasies about sending her an email, or calling her, just to put it out there and force him to either fix what is broken at home and go total NC with me, or get out of his marriage. At this point, it seems ANY outcome is better for me than the way things are now.

[MizzBlue72]

Why don't YOU make the decision instead of putting it all on him? Even if his wife finds out, the chances are good that he'll end it with you, go into NC mode for a while then try to contact you again, so the A can pick up where it left off.

 

Take CONTROL and change your life if you're uhappy and sick of the rollercoaster ride. Why give him all the power?

 

Life is what you make it to be..The choice is yours.

 

WWIU - you are absolutely correct. I DO need to take responsibility for how I feel and NOT put this all on him.

I have tried before - it's easier said than done. Yeah - I'm an idiot -- I am the FIRST to admit that -- yeah.

 

This is something that I am working towards - NOT allowing him to have all the power.

 

It's really easy I guess once you have been through this, and NOT right in the middle of it. I know it must be easier on the outside looking in.

[MizzBlue72]

He hasn't left because he doesn't want to. Saying that they both want the M over but 'neither will make the first move' is about the lamest excuse I've ever heard, & also it doesn't even really make sense. He clearly wants a M to the woman he loves and wants to spend his life with (his W), but fancies a bit of good lovin' on the side for the ego boost, physical satisfaction, mid-life crisis need for drama etc. He's happy to lie to you consistently to get all this, despite knowing how miserable it is making you. Isn't it more appropriate response to get mad at him for treating you so badly?

 

Torrance - I agree more than I can say to this post.

It is lame. and NO - to me, it makes ZERO sense.

All the buzzers in my mind tell me that no - hell no he is NOT going to leave. I KNOW that - I just can't accept it I guess.

 

Yes - I do get mad at him, and no - I KNOW that this can NOT keep going the way it is going.

 

I know, or at least - I am ALMOST 100% positive that if we go NC I will never hear from him again.... and maybe that is what needs to happen.

 

I need to grow some balls and have some dignity for myself and let him know that if he is serious - come back and prove it to me... It's so easy to write those words, and SO damn hard to act on them ....

[MizzBlue72]

Also, be careful what you wish for in the sense of the W finding out. LS, and the news, are filled with people who temporarily lose their minds upon discovery of a spouse's betrayal.

 

Do you want your texts and emails and photos ccd to your boss, your family, your pastor. Some even resort to vandalism, violence, or renting a billboard to humilliate the betrayers.

 

If he is serious about you, he should tell her and separate. Deal with the fallout like adults. Anything less than that may put you in harm's way.

 

I mean, who knows how a person will react when they stumble upon this information.

 

My husband told his OW that I didn't really care about the marriage and was in it for the paycheck.

 

The day I discovered the affair, I went crazy. Friends and family talked me out of stupid actions one minute, and I then talked them out of stupid actions the next.

 

People can get really crazy ideas when someone they love is roiling in pain.

 

Be careful.....Protect yourself first.

 

 

Thanks Spark .... I didn't think of it like this.

Actually - Maybe it would help me deal better with the guilt that I feel IF she attacked me, told everyone, etc.

At least then - I wouldn't BE the dirty little secret OR have to keep lying and make excuses to myself why he is still there and I am here.

 

I don't WANT to hurt her -- at all, and in some twisted way, I think if I had the chance to let her hurt me, I would take it - just to help clear my conscience, if at all possible.

[2sure]

If you take away his , or any other person's words...and look at what they are doing..you get the truth. It sounds like your guy is, through his actions, committed to NOT making a decision. Which, I guess, actually is a decision in itself.

 

Yeah, if its driving you crazy...stop being a passenger or at least stop letting him drive.

[MizzBlue72]

I know exactly what you mean though.... somedays I wish someone would say something to her about it, like a friend of the family, that way she can't just go on pretending it isn't happening which as long as only the three of us know, she isn't "losing face". It will take his youngest child being grown before he makes any decision other than both. Or it will take her or I to make the decision for him. I am at this point too weak to make the decision to walk away completely.

 

Thing is, so many people know. People who know her, but they don't say anything. *shrug* Sometimes though, I have fantasies about sending her an email, or calling her, just to put it out there and force him to either fix what is broken at home and go total NC with me, or get out of his marriage. At this point, it seems ANY outcome is better for me than the way things are now.

 

 

FA: I hear you, and yeah - I am RIGHT there ....

ANY outcome is better than where it is now .....

 

I am just going to be unavailable I guess - until I get up enough nerve to go NC .....

The only thing I could lose is a bunch of lies, being a dirty little secret that is going no where.

 

I can also lose someone who swears he loves me - but if he does - he would not treat me or BS like this ..... WTF....

[MizzBlue72]

If you take away his , or any other person's words...and look at what they are doing..you get the truth. It sounds like your guy is, through his actions, committed to NOT making a decision. Which, I guess, actually is a decision in itself.

 

Yeah, if its driving you crazy...stop being a passenger or at least stop letting him drive.

 

 

Thank you TooSure ... you are so right.

IN NOT making a decision - he has made a decision all on his own.

Now I know where I fit in - and it's NOT with him.

 

Over the next few days, I really need to get enough strength to say goodbye ... and this is KILLING me!!!

 

WHY in the world am I making this SO damn HARD?????

I want to tell him all this, and have ... and he also is on this website, so I am sure he has read these things by now ....

 

So yeah.

 

In the next few days, I will get enough strength to say goodbye. Funny thing - I swear he loved me.

 

I guess it is so much harder acknowledging the fact that you are a 'piece on the side'. Wow - I never thought of it like this before today ....

[Fallen Angel]

Thank you TooSure ... you are so right.

IN NOT making a decision - he has made a decision all on his own.

Now I know where I fit in - and it's NOT with him.

 

Over the next few days, I really need to get enough strength to say goodbye ... and this is KILLING me!!!

 

WHY in the world am I making this SO damn HARD?????

I want to tell him all this, and have ... and he also is on this website, so I am sure he has read these things by now ....

 

So yeah.

 

In the next few days, I will get enough strength to say goodbye. Funny thing - I swear he loved me.

 

I guess it is so much harder acknowledging the fact that you are a 'piece on the side'. Wow - I never thought of it like this before today ....

 

He actually can see everything you post?? And he knows EXACTLY how it makes you feel all the time? He sees your raw pain the same way we do everyday and he STILL sits on the fence??

 

I swear, knowing that makes me want to kick your MM right in his teeth!! UGH, it is bad enough we feel like this, but most of the time they really do not know exactly how we feel because we keep it to ourselves, or talk about it with anyone but them!! I imagine if I found out that My MM watched me struggle so much emotionally (I am much more vocal about it on LS than I ever am with him) and he didn't make some decision, ANY DAMNED DECISION, I would want to stab him right in the eye with a plastic fork!!!

 

P.S. to Mizz's MM.. YOU SUCK!!!!

[2sure]

MizzBlue.

 

No need AT ALL to think he doesnt really love you. No need AT ALL to think you are unimportant or have been naive.

 

You dont need to acknowledge or come to terms with crap like that because you know what? Doesnt matter either way.

 

Its hard for you. Yes. Life decisions ARE hard. If they werent, they could made as easily as picking out shoes. See...thats the thing. HARD. It hurts. OK, established. And again, so what?

 

So - its hard. Does that mean you cant do it? Does that mean ...what? You stop? No, of course not. You acknowledge its hard and you do it just like you do everything else.

 

But before moving forward you have to pick a direction. And you have, thats why you came here.

 

Your MM, and countless other affair partners...are stuck in this confusing place. What to do? Make which decision? Stay or go? I dont know how other people live, but for myself:

 

I accept that with each decision in my life I am risking regret and sacrificing something. BUT, I pick a direction and go full on because - hey, day lights a wastin.

[Lish]

I'm not gonna get into any big reply because I don't think it's necessary. I've read all your posts, though.

 

He's a typical MM...making you false promises when infact, the reality is, HE IS NEVER going to fulfill them - you need to get rid of him NOW.

 

Don't give yourself a few days, it'll only give you time to talk yourself out of it; DO IT NOW!

 

You have a life to live & it's not this way.

[gopher]

I never post in the OW section...but Lish's post made a lot of sense to me. No one should ever put their life on hold waiting on someone else. Life is too short, too sweet and there is so much to experience.

[MizFit]

You really do want to be careful of what you wish for. My MM was found out just over 24 hours ago...even though he has NEVER promised he would leave home it was gutting when I told him to go and make things better and he actually did! I guess there is always a tiny bit of hope that an OW holds onto...getting caught is the biggest relief because you have no bits of hope left...at that point you have reality. That in itself is an issue...I woke up this morning with no good morning call...I haven't had the first 6 or 7 or my roughly 20 emails a day...the things we had planned for December and onwards now don't exist.

 

You want them to be caught so you don't really have to decide on something that's potentially heartbreaking...funny, just what your MM is doing.

 

I know your pain sister...I was feeling it up till about 1 am 11.11.9...since then it's increased a zillion fold. I hope you can have the strength I didn't...tell him to go and make things right or get on living with what he has. I said those words to him so many times and never had the strength to put them into action.

 

Good luck...keep us posted. You're better to control when the pain happens to you rather than have the see saw of emotions of it being found out.

 

xx

[HarmonyHope]

I would NOT tell his BS about this - I never will. I strongly believe it is not my place to do this. Some days I just really REALLY wish that she would find out so MM would be forced to make a decision.

 

Most days I do want him to be caught. At least if his W knew, then someone would HAVE to either make a decision to make their marriage work or go their separate ways.

 

This seems logical enough, but there's enough threads around here to see that d-days often don't change things much. It's pretty common for the MM to do damage control for awhile, and then the A resumes its regularly scheduled programming. An MM can go on not choosing either for as long as both women allow it. Truly the only one whos decisions you can control are yours. Why take that power away from yourself and just wait for him to make a decision?

Edited November 12, 2009 by HarmonyHope

[lostndiego]

He actually can see everything you post?? And he knows EXACTLY how it makes you feel all the time? He sees your raw pain the same way we do everyday and he STILL sits on the fence??

 

I swear, knowing that makes me want to kick your MM right in his teeth!! UGH, it is bad enough we feel like this, but most of the time they really do not know exactly how we feel because we keep it to ourselves, or talk about it with anyone but them!! I imagine if I found out that My MM watched me struggle so much emotionally (I am much more vocal about it on LS than I ever am with him) and he didn't make some decision, ANY DAMNED DECISION, I would want to stab him right in the eye with a plastic fork!!!

 

P.S. to Mizz's MM.. YOU SUCK!!!!

 

Fallen:

 

I am Mizz MM. I am not going to COMPLETELY defend myself, but I do not suck. There are 3 sides to every story. Her's, mine and the truth.

 

At one time I DID read the posts by MB. That was MANY months ago. I couldnt take the JUDGEMENT of people like you that attack without knowledge. I didnt come back until 2 days ago, but that is another story.

 

MB and I, I feel, have a pretty strong connection. We talk a LOT. Unlike many that have A's, we ACTUALLY talk more often than we have sex. Probably 10x more. I wish it was 'just lust'. I could walk away and so could she if that was the case. I like the person who is MB. Under almost ANY scenario we would be at least friends. Probably more.

 

And yes, I did read MOST of her recent posts 2 days ago. I am shocked, mortified, saddened (for both of us), and deeply hurt. I cried a LOT! Despite ALL of our talking, MB NEVER conveyed to me the DEPTH of her pain. I knew she had 'bad days' and we would talk a lot. I never knew I caused her so much pain.

 

I BELIEVE MB and I are in love. My M is over, not bc MB. The house is going up for sale after the holidays. It will take longer for the D to be final for me to be with her. Neither W or I can afford to live in the house on our own. It is an expensive house and will take some time to sell. There are a lot of moving parts.

 

MB and I have both gone NC for short periods of time. Usually it is when emotions are running high. We eventually re-connect after a few days.

 

MB & I have known each other for OVER a year. I was NOT the cause of her D, but I was there for her to talk to. A shoulder to cry on when she needed it. Someone who would listen to her no matter what and not judge her. The main problem, IMHO, is that her XH does not fall into any norm due to substance abuse. And you cant deal with nucking futs.

 

I don't NEED MB to be there to 'hold my hand'. MB is not the cause of my D. If anything she was a distraction that kept me from looking at my M and making some hard decisions EARLIER. She is not the 'prize' for me completing my D. But in addition to being my lover, she has also been my friend. It is that friendship that I value while I struggle thru my mess. Our relationship, IMHO, is about way more than sex.

 

Decisions have been made. Things ARE happening. And it hurts a LOT. I feel that my actions are not fast enough for MB. I am not working to her timetable. And not long ago she told me I was important enough for her to do whatever it takes. Ok, what I need is patience.

 

My W is NOT an 'evil witch' like many MM portray them. She is actually a kind person. Our lives changed. She changed. They went in different directions that can not be remedied. I have issues with a blended family situation that ALL the intense therapy in the world can not rectify. Our M is broken and can't be fixed. I am EXTREMELY sad for that.

 

I can go 'permanently NC' under whatever terms MB wants. After seeing the pain I have caused her, I WILL do whatever she wants. I would rather hurt than have MB hurt. I have offered such.

 

If she wants to go NC until my D is final, I will do that as well. But I wont 'be back' under that scenario. You will probably not believe me, but here is my take: IF she doesn't believe me NOW and runs away, she will run away in the future when we are REALLY together and things REALLY do matter. That will break my heart. The worst part is that MB would have set the precident and I would have allowed it. Those that do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

 

And that is BEFORE you get to the loss of emotional intimacy during that NC time period. As weird as this is going to sound to SOME of you, I need that as much or more than the sex. Even if MB is my ONLY sex partner. I could go 'no sex' before I could go 'NC'. And as long as she was true to me as I am to her, I would be fine with that (no sex, but contact).

 

Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is enduring.

 

And sometimes love isn't enough.

The A was the wrong thing to do. I would never do it again, but wouldn’t undo it if I could. I got the cart before the horse. I refused, for a long period of time, to look at my M and to look at MYSELF.

 

But to say I deserve to be stabbed in the eye with a plastic fork was a little much for me. If you, after reading this, STILL feel I deserve such a fate, make it a real fork and hand me an eye patch while you are at it. Bring on steel toed boots to kick me in the teeth as well.

But please do not judge someone until you have walked in their shoes.

Let the flames begin in my absence. I doubt I will be back again.

Thank you,

Lostndiego

[whichwayisup]

Atleast you are following through on what you've told her. MANY MM do NOT do this. They may want to, but at the end of the day, they don't divorce and do what is necessary to fix themselves, to begin a new and healthier "relationship" (not affair mode relationship) with their OW.

 

Glad to hear that you are leaving for "you" and not because of MB. Reguardless if you two end up together, atleast you and your (soon to be ex) wife will find happiness with someone else one day..

 

I will say, as much as you want MB to help you through this process, to have that emotional connection with her, understand that it may be painful for HER to have to deal with this stuff..Your D, and all the other stuff that comes with divorcing and settling finances, the house, etc.. She doesn't need to know the in's and out's, minute by minute play of that since your marriage is YOUR marriage, she isn't part of it.

 

Good luck and I hope the D goes smoothly, that you and your (ex) wife can atleast stay friendly because of the kids.

[lostndiego]

Whichway:

 

Kids are gone. All over 18. None live it home. The D is the 'fallout'.

[Brokenlady]

Decisions have been made. Things ARE happening. And it hurts a LOT. I feel that my actions are not fast enough for MB. I am not working to her timetable. And not long ago she told me I was important enough for her to do whatever it takes. Ok, what I need is patience.

 

My W is NOT an 'evil witch' like many MM portray them. She is actually a kind person. Our lives changed. She changed. They went in different directions that can not be remedied. I have issues with a blended family situation that ALL the intense therapy in the world can not rectify. Our M is broken and can't be fixed. I am EXTREMELY sad for that.

 

Lostndiego,

 

You sound like my DM (divorced man's) twin. All he keeps asking for is patience to complete the emotional divorce (which takes MUCH longer than the legal one). But how much of her life should she spend waiting for you to really embrace her? Keep in mind what it means when you ask for patience - you're asking her to continue to be second best, to allow you to keep another woman in your heart and soothe you through grieving your marriage. That is a lot to ask. I can tell you from experience as someone in her position that it is excruciating.

 

If she wants to go NC until my D is final, I will do that as well. But I wont 'be back' under that scenario. You will probably not believe me, but here is my take: IF she doesn't believe me NOW and runs away, she will run away in the future when we are REALLY together and things REALLY do matter. That will break my heart.

 

My Dm says the same thing. He very much fears ending up alone. I don't think you should seek to punish her for trying to protect her feelings while you go through what will mostly likely be a long period of back and forth about your marriage ending. That isn't fair, and if you truly love her, you can respect that. Nevertheless, I doubt very much that she will abandon you completely, but she may need breaks now and then. I did.

 

The worst part is that MB would have set the precident and I would have allowed it. Those that do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

 

Think carefully about this in the other direction. It was ok for you to set the precedent to cheat and treat her like #2 and she allowed it. But you are saying this is unacceptable and to take it to it's logical conclusion, she should dump you. Maybe you want to re-evaluate this line of thinking.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah but they still are your kids..And your ex's kids..Just because they don't live at home, doesn't stop you both from being mom and dad to them. One day they are going to get married, have kids, etc..And both you and your ex ARE going to have to deal with one another on some level, forever. Just hope that MB also understand that, and respects that too.

[lostndiego]

Which:

 

Her kids, my kids. WE don't have kids. We wont have to deal with each other on ANY level.

[jwi71]

 

I am Mizz MM. I am not going to COMPLETELY defend myself, but I do not suck. There are 3 sides to every story. Her's, mine and the truth.

 

In an A there are at least FOUR sides...your W has one too ya know. So do the children.

 

At one time I DID read the posts by MB. That was MANY months ago. I couldnt take the JUDGEMENT of people like you that attack without knowledge. I didnt come back until 2 days ago, but that is another story.

You will judged by others just as you judge others. Get off the "don't judge me bit"...its a defensive reaction against viewpoints you don't like.

 

And yes, I did read MOST of her recent posts 2 days ago. I am shocked, mortified, saddened (for both of us), and deeply hurt. I cried a LOT! Despite ALL of our talking, MB NEVER conveyed to me the DEPTH of her pain. I knew she had 'bad days' and we would talk a lot. I never knew I caused her so much pain.

Then she should have told you. And the bigger question is why didn't she TRUST you enough to tell you in the first place? The opposite side of the coin is why didn't you pick up on it?

 

I BELIEVE MB and I are in love. My M is over, not bc MB. The house is going up for sale after the holidays. It will take longer for the D to be final for me to be with her. Neither W or I can afford to live in the house on our own. It is an expensive house and will take some time to sell. There are a lot of moving parts.

Manipulation pure and simple. First...the hook of "I believe we are in love".

Notice he didn't write "I love MB" - he "believes" it is, but maybe not...and if not, well, I was mistaken. Oops, silly me. And further note this went from "connection" (wtf is that) to "believing it is love". Manipulation. Then the excuse. Its an expensive house and will take some time to sell. And, if the diego in the name refers to San Diego, you gotta long wait MB. But do it for love. Or in the belief that the connection is love.

 

This is little more than stringing you along. He won't tell the W and I bet he hasn't filed yet. He's asking you to wait and the bait is "I believe its love"...gag

 

And you cant deal with nucking futs.

Tell me about it. Oh wait, MB has been for a while now...

 

Our relationship, IMHO, is about way more than sex.

Why do you keep repeating this? Hmmm....

 

Decisions have been made

Such as you will D when the economy is "better". Got it.

 

. Things ARE happening

Such as...

I feel that my actions are not fast enough for MB. I am not working to her timetable. And not long ago she told me I was important enough for her to do whatever it takes. Ok, what I need is patience.

You're a pretty good manipulator. Turning her words against her and trying to convince her to "be patient". After all, you said you'd do anything and in this case "anything" is wait. No, no date given. An ephemeral "...some time...". So, MB, your MM will actually file for D when the housing market improves. Long wait my dear. Of course, that's what he wants...you waiting around while he excuses his lack of D.

 

My W is NOT an 'evil witch' like many MM portray them. She is actually a kind person. Our lives changed. She changed. They went in different directions that can not be remedied. I have issues with a blended family situation that ALL the intense therapy in the world can not rectify. Our M is broken and can't be fixed. I am EXTREMELY sad for that.

Such a nice good kind person I will ambush D her when the housing market improves. Red flag anyone? MB?

 

I can go 'permanently NC' under whatever terms MB wants. After seeing the pain I have caused her, I WILL do whatever she wants. I would rather hurt than have MB hurt. I have offered such.

File for D and move out NOW. Rent an apartment, take the financial hit and PROVE with ACTIONS your love. Or your belief its love. Introduce MB to your family as the woman you love and plan to marry AFTER you D your W.

What's stopping you?

 

If your M is hopelessly broken...you have NOTHING to lose. Right?

 

If she wants to go NC until my D is final, I will do that as well. But I wont 'be back' under that scenario. You will probably not believe me, but here is my take: IF she doesn't believe me NOW and runs away, she will run away in the future when we are REALLY together and things REALLY do matter. That will break my heart. The worst part is that MB would have set the precident and I would have allowed it. Those that do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

OMG. Again, lame manipulation. If you leave now I won't be back. If only MB were that lucky.

 

MB, he is terrified that cooler, logical heads are opening your eyes. That people on the outside with no vested emotional interest are defending you and crucifying him. He is afraid of being exposed. He feels the pulling away you are doing is attempting a full court press to reign you back in. To regain his CONTROL over you.

 

His words reek of manipulation and control. Its disgusting.

 

Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is enduring.

Tell that to your W.

Would you kindly stop lame attempts to emotionally control her? Its getting old at this point. You are basically saying..."If you love me, you will be kind (to me), wait (for me) and endure (me)". Gag.

 

The A was the wrong thing to do. I would never do it again, but wouldn’t undo it if I could.

You can't say something is "wrong" then, in the next sentence, say you wouldn't undo it. A bit of a contradiction methinks.

 

Buts its really designed to hook MB deeper. I have to admit, its a great Harlequin romance novel line. Again, I think he feels his control weakening and is using her avenue of escape (LS) to reign her in. He simultaneously pollutes this avenue for her in an attempt to cut the contact to LS and uses the "love" hook. Where the cooler non-invested lay and speak to her. Words he doesn't like. So he lays a little trap: The bashers on LS are doing this to you. Not me. I love you. You say you love me...so wait. If you don't wait, I wont be back because then you didn't really love me to begin with and won't be there when it really matters.

 

:sick::sick:

See it MB?

 

Let the flames begin in my absence. I doubt I will be back again.

Oh, you'll be back. You never left. You've been reading and "gaining advantage" since you found LS...

 

MB,

 

I see NOTHING here that indicates any ACTIONS. Only words and promises of actions to come. Its up to you to wait. Another year. Maybe two. Maybe longer. Maybe not. I see NOTHING here that hasn't been posted on LS 1000 times before "my MM said to wait for...".

 

I think he is manipulating you. I would walk despite his threat to not return if you do. You feel that tightening in your chest? He is counting on it to CONTROL you. Every word you write here on LS is another bullet in his gun.

 

Walk from LS. Walk from him.

 

Good luck.

[lostndiego]

Lostndiego,

 

You sound like my DM (divorced man's) twin. All he keeps asking for is patience to complete the emotional divorce (which takes MUCH longer than the legal one). But how much of her life should she spend waiting for you to really embrace her? Keep in mind what it means when you ask for patience - you're asking her to continue to be second best, to allow you to keep another woman in your heart and soothe you through grieving your marriage. That is a lot to ask. I can tell you from experience as someone in her position that it is excruciating.

 

 

 

My Dm says the same thing. He very much fears ending up alone. I don't think you should seek to punish her for trying to protect her feelings while you go through what will mostly likely be a long period of back and forth about your marriage ending. That isn't fair, and if you truly love her, you can respect that. Nevertheless, I doubt very much that she will abandon you completely, but she may need breaks now and then. I did.

 

 

 

Think carefully about this in the other direction. It was ok for you to set the precedent to cheat and treat her like #2 and she allowed it. But you are saying this is unacceptable and to take it to it's logical conclusion, she should dump you. Maybe you want to re-evaluate this line of thinking.

 

Broke:

 

She cheated on her XH with me. We were both each others' #2's as you state. She was divorced earlier this year. She is #1 in my heart and she knows that.

 

I can respect and will abide by ANYTHING MB wants. And I KNOW she needs to protect her heart. I can respect that stance.

 

What I am saying is that IF she wants NC and go on with her life, I am OK with that. It WILL hurt.

 

It will hurt bc MB is the last thing I think of when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I awake.

 

I am not seeking to 'punish' her for ANY of her decisions. The other half of that equation is that it would hurt me to know she is with other guys in the interim (if that is what she wanted). In that scenario she is better off without me. And I am better off without her.

 

Shared lonliness is hard. Unshared lonliness is harder.