lostsoulmate Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 As a woman I apparently "read between the lines" too much. I have a Friend, I use that term loosely. We were involved at one time. It was very intense and hard. We made it four months, but our lives were intertwined through friends and marriages. We wrote to each other over the years (I moved a great distance away for a while), mainly about our families, and how the other was doing. But it always lead back to our hot steamy past. Now almost 10 years later (I moved back to my home state) we have starting hanging out as friends. I have a hard time with it, and I have let him know how hard it is for me to just be his Friend. But he still wants to be friends and see me, so he says. Over the weekend, we (my BFF girl friend) went over to one of his friends' houses to hang, have a few beers and talk. The conversion went toward sexual stuff. And because we are all adults we spoke about the best things we enjoy and what are our turn offs are. That is everyone but me. My Friend made it abundantly clear he didn't want me to talk about my preferences toward what I liked and didn't. I mean he yelled it out. I don't want to hear about what you like or don't or what other men have done to you. Now guys, why would you talk like this to a girl if you just want her to be your friend? I don't want to read too much into it (read between the line), but the next day he texted me telling me how good it was to see me. Help!?
dimeified Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 He doesn't want to hear you talk about other guys and your preferences because it will ruin his memories of his expiriences with you. Especially, if those expiriences are similar to the stories you are telling about other guys. It isn't good for his ego, men need to feel their expirience with you was unique, no matter what the feelings are currently, even if it truly is just friends.
Author lostsoulmate Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 That isn't really fair. But it is really just about his ego? That is good to know. I will not read too much into it then. I will just be thankful that he wants to keep those memories special. Thanks.
dimeified Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I'm not exactly saying it's only about his ego, i'm sure those memories are important to him, and it would hurt him to hear that you had the same expiriences with someone else, its almost as if your telling him they weren't special to you. As for how he feels about you now, theres only one way to find out. And even if he does truly just want to be friends, that could change. I've personally always found a womans efforts irresistable, especially if we've been together in the past.
dimeified Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 come to think of it, would it really hurt to go see him and simply ask him why he didn't want to hear it? if you decide to do that, dont do it through text, or phone, u need to SEE his reaction.
Author lostsoulmate Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 come to think of it, would it really hurt to go see him and simply ask him why he didn't want to hear it? if you decide to do that, dont do it through text, or phone, u need to SEE his reaction. This is not the first time something "like" this has happened to "us". Right before the sex conversation his friend asked the group why there was so much tension between he and I. (apparently he has told his friend about me, but not details about our on and off relationship that has spanned almost a decade). My BFF said, "They should just get married and get it over with." Everyone laughed but my Friend and I. As to your question, I have asked him before and he gets irate. Face red, veins popping out in his neck. Our past is really complicated (as everyone says). He says things, like "you make me so mad. Why is everything have an underlying issue with you. You read into things too much." I don't ask anymore. I come here instead. Sad. My confidence is not really very good right now.
dimeified Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 He gets THAT MAD when you asked him? What a jerk. Your better off not dating him. Don't let this ruin your confidence, there's a million men in the world, and for this one that would rather be friends, i'm sure theres a hundred more in your area that would want more.
carhill Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 IME, dontcha think it would be healthier to give a full-fledged R a go or just disconnect this continuing saga from the past? How old is the friend? If he's over 30, his behavior sounds immature to me. Take a hard look at how much of your 'tension' with him comes from incompatibility.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 It could be jealousy, but if it is, it may not mean he wants a relationship with you, the reason I say that is I think my ex may be jealous to some extent if I slept with someone else now but it doesn't mean he wants me back. Could be an ego thing. On the other hand you have a long history! But, his anger doesn't sound good
Author lostsoulmate Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 IME, dontcha think it would be healthier to give a full-fledged R a go or just disconnect this continuing saga from the past? How old is the friend? If he's over 30, his behavior sounds immature to me. Take a hard look at how much of your 'tension' with him comes from incompatibility. Carhill, I have tried to disconnect. Our mutual friends are in the same circle, so that makes disconnecting from the saga very difficult (not that the right choice is ever easy). I have tried (hell I moved far far away and he found me). He is older than 30, with two kids. I think he is immature sometimes too. I think not having a father figure in his life (until he was around 16) probably had something to do with that. At one point in our lives we both thought we had found our twin flame in each other. Now it seems to me, that he won't let go, or maybe I won't let go. Or maybe it's both of us that won't let go. Either way, I am trying to just be a friend to him, but it doesn't seem to work. Seems like too much drama. Maybe I just shouldn't care what he is thinking, but I do care for him very much and I've been told I read between the lines too much. That is why I came here to ask you "men" what goes through your head when you say some of the "things" you say.
alphamale Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Now guys, why would you talk like this to a girl if you just want her to be your friend? sure why not
carhill Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Either way, I am trying to just be a friend to him, but it doesn't seem to work. Well, I've experienced this and can tell you I've never talked like him and likely don't share his psychology, so I'm a very bad person to ask for advice here IME, acceptance is the key. Processing the feelings through the lens of acceptance has worked for me. Consciously stopping the usage of that little 'what if' in the ongoing mental conversation wrt the 'connection'. Accepting things as they are and not about 'what if' they could be. My problem is I read between the lines too much also, and it is a pretty unhealthy and unattractive habit for a man, or so women tell me. Makes for great forum fodder though, so there ya go...
Author lostsoulmate Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 sure why not Well, "sure why not" is a loaded answer IMO. I always felt like the guy was leading me on when crap like this happens. Act like they are possessive only to not want the responsibility. From a woman's point of view...(one who read between the lines) it sucks!
kickintheaz Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 As a woman I apparently "read between the lines" too much. My Friend made it abundantly clear he didn't want me to talk about my preferences toward what I liked and didn't. I mean he yelled it out. I don't want to hear about what you like or don't or what other men have done to you. Now guys, why would you talk like this to a girl if you just want her to be your friend? Help!? I'm a guy and I can honestly tell you NONE of my exes have ever gone on to be 'intimate' with another man.. they just don't.. in my head! :laugh: The memories I have of those women are part of who I am now.. I don't really wanna HEAR what they have gotten up to since I was with them.. why would I? its mostly an ego thing I think.. at the same time, and correct me if I'm wrong, but if ya moved away for 10 yrs and now ya back in the same circle of people as when ya were with him before, its prob even stranger for him, esp if he didn't leave, to have you just slot back in, things are almost the same except everyone has a few more 'laughter lines' and ye 2 aren't together.. maybe he can't accept that but still doesn't want anything more.. (ego again) then again... just don't rise to the bait next time.. he doesn't control you now, you may care for him but what about you? next time someone cracks a marriage or similar joke, laugh along, or make a point of adding to the joke.. join in with your friends, if he gets down in the dumps/angry and sits on the sidelines then thats really his problem isn't it? if ye are that age, there should be SOME level of maturity on his part to accept that you have a 10 yr history he wasn't involved in.. if ya like reading between the lines try this one..... Sometimes if you LOOK AFTER YOURSELF you really aren't sure if its BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T then things will happen that NO ONE ELSE WILL help you with, or not..
1Angel Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 His veins are popping out and he says to you "You MAKE me mad!" I'd have to RUN like the wind away from him. Past or no past. Sounds extremely emotoinally immature. See ya.
Author lostsoulmate Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) We talked for hours, and we ended the conversion as confused as when we started. At least I know we are in the same place with "us". Weird. Edited November 13, 2009 by lostsoulmate
Author lostsoulmate Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 He says he still loves me, but doesn't want to hurt me again. I say cope out. Am I right?
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