hpnutter Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Hi there. I've posted on the breaking up board recently because my boyfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago. I'll try and give a brief recap. I'm 23, he's 41 (I know, big age gap), we've been together 4 years, long distance the last 2. This last year we've done some big things together, like a couple of holidays, he spent xmas and easter with me etc... In the summer he suggested I look for a job where he lives so I have been with no success so far. Last week I wrote him an email saying I was worried we were drifting apart as it had been 2 months since I had been able to see him (when we'd come back from holiday together) and I was worried I was getting too used to him not being around. He replied that he hadn't thought about it before but now realised he felt it too and wasn't sure if we could fix it. I made lots of suggestions to fix it. He took several days to think about it and kept himself busy too and then on Monday texted me to say he thought we should break up. In a previous message he said he thought we were moving towards being very close friends than where we want to be and that the spark has gone. But I called him when I found his text and we talked for a while. He didn't back down but was very upset and cried. We've said we'll try and be friends because we have been each others best friends as well as lovers. Then, typically, the day after we broke up, I got invited for a job interview where he lives and i've said I'll take it because I need a job, have been unemployed for too long, and at the very least it's interview practice. I texted him to ask if he'd mind if I stayed over at his for it as he lives many hours away, and he said it was fine and had assumed I would. Also, earlier, when I texted him and said I'd still like to be friends if possible, he said I could contact him any time and he liked hearing from me. He also said that the previous evening he had wanted to text me to tell me about something but had thought he shouldn't for my sake. Everyone I know is really shocked that he's broken up with me because he always seemed so in love and steadfast. I know long distance can make or break relationships though. My mum wonders though if it's just a reaction to me saying about us drifting, or maybe even that he's scared of commitment, as I'm his longest lasting girlfriend by years- when he was around 20 he dated a girl for 2 years but I think everyone else hasn't lasted even that long, while I've lasted 4 years. Maybe he's too independent or worried about settling down... Though in the past he has told me he could see us getting married. I thought maybe since noone else has lasted that long, he's not used to getting beyond the honeymoon period and thats why he thinks the spark has gone. He does say he still loves me as much, just in a slightly different way. He said this last week he's been confused and wasn't sure he was able to explain his feelings. Basically, I want your opinion on whether he might still have romantic feelings for me. I know that he really might have changed, maybe even probably has, and I don't want to get my hopes up. It's just that this has been a shock and he himself admits he still cares very much. He said I mean the world to him and he really hates himself for hurting me. I want to do NC but its very difficult and whatever happens, even if I truly have lost my lover, I don't want to lose my friend. Also I have to see him for this interview. I know it'll be awkward but I don't know anyone else much there anymore other than him and I'm v low on cash being unemployed, so don't want to have to pay for a hotel. I can also use it as an opportunity to return his house keys :-( I just wonder whether he'll feel any different when he sees me but we can't touch or kiss etc and I go to sleep in the spare room. I really don't want to get my hopes up just to be hurt again, and will accept this break up as there's nothing I can do, but I'm just interested in anyone's honest opinion as to whether he does indeed only think of me as a friend now and doesn't want anything more, or whether he has fooled himself and actually still does love me as a partner. I would like him to change his mind and come back to me, but I know that these things don't often happen. Thank you for your input and sorry it was such a long message!
Author hpnutter Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Also, I just wanted to say, that he doesn't want to talk about it in person, he isn't always very good at talking about feelings etc and until I called him when he dumped me, all of our communication has been via text, email and IM. He said he couldn't bear to hear the hurt in my voice, and has apologised so many times even though I know people can't help their feelings. He's asked me not to talk about it when I stay over. My mum wonders if he just still cares too much to see or hear that I'm hurt. I wonder if that's why he preferred to do it all via text etc, even actually finally dumping me by text, because then I guess it depersonalises me, rather than him having to hear my voice and realise it really is ME he is leaving...
dimeified Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 (edited) Your a young girl, do you feel like changing his diapers when YOUR 40? I'm 26 years old, and when im 40 i hope im dating a 23 year old as well. Don't throw your life away with this guy. If you could realize your self worth you would see you don't want to be with him. I dont know you, but i know everyone deserves to be with someone that is there for them, someone that loves them. Find that person, cause im sure it isn't him. Edited November 11, 2009 by dimeified
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