nobleguy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Suicides often lead to more suicides. Yeah there is a train of thought that suggests you are right about that. Last thing I'd want is my beautiful little boy to end up doing that later in life. I suppose a parent doing that in a way teaches their children that it's OK to do it in a bizzare kind of way. Aaah man... Living like this is the pits though. It's just existence, not life. While everyone else seems to move on as if nothing has happened.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Make your baby boy your focus for a while. You can write me if you want more information or to talk about it. I have survived both suicide and heartbreak of lost love. It just takes some people longer than others. You can do it, if I did, anyone can.
Author brock9911 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 I know you guys are having a conversation here, but a little note, im not sure if your a drinker, but dont turn to substances. iv done it and do it. it only intensifies your depressing feelings and has actually led me to coming close to that breaking point many times. also have you seeked medication. iv always been one who hated being on medication and iv constantly taken myself off of them...but i recently put myself back on. im just waiting for my chemical balance to be somewhat normal again. because like you my mind is a mess right now and im struggling to the the upside or brightside to anything. the only thing is iv been in funks before, never this bad, but i know its not a mountain we all cant climb. i dont really have anything worth living for accept myself. you have your children who love you and would be devistated if something happened to you. always keep them in mind. they should be your world remember that.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Wise words Brock, I think you are stronger than you know too and we sometimes don't know who is looking to us for strength or example. You and I dont have kids to be a life line, but if we live for ourself, who knows what the future holds? Or who will need us in the future. If we were not here for them, that would be wrong wouldn't it? *hugs to you Brock* sorry we hijacked your thread.
Author brock9911 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 haha anytime. i got a conversation going than i guess i did something right. thats what keeps me ticking is the thought of who id hurt in the process. when i was at my lowest and did made my attempts so to say...i cant even express the panic and fear i faced when i realized what i had just done. its not a fun experience and it sucked worse than the feeling of wanting to die. my mother and father were both devistated and worried like crazy. i had tons of friends and my ex were all by my side. i didnt realize who i had or what i was throwing away. its our own minds and demons we have to face and battle to get by in life. everyone elses problems and feelings are obsticles and constant reminders for us to stay strong. we break from time to time, but we're human, and we heal. some take longer than others but i know ill come out of this. i dont know if you read earlier posts that i wrote but i also lost my father and im sorry to hear you did also. i dont know if he did it on purpose or not, but the sheer thought that he was taking as many drugs as he was to numb his pain goes to show he wasnt happy with his life anyway. losing someone is hard enough, losing them because they dont want to be alive, or the thought that you werent important enough for them is a real knife to the heart. my mother was 5 when her father took his life and it still haunts her. i think back now how she would feel knowing her son and father both took their lives...thats what breaks my heart when i think about it
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 You are absolutely right and very thoughtful in your reflections. I am SO happy that you did not succeed in taking your life. We will beat our demons.
nobleguy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 losing someone is hard enough, losing them because they dont want to be alive, or the thought that you werent important enough for them is a real knife to the heart. I think that is a really important point. I think it would be natural to think "Why wasn't I important enough for him to keep going for me?". I've organised to have a couple of beers in town tonight instead of moping at home. That's where I feel worst, alone when the kids are with their mum. I do drink, but not alone and haven't gone for any other substances. Well, half a pill that had absolutely no effect on me LOL!
Author brock9911 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 haha a release now and again isnt bad...making a habit out of it is. thats what im breaking now. i was drinking waaaay too much. im getting a hold on that...somewhat. but it isnt easy when everyone of your friends drinks. go down the rabbit hole and see where it takes you...deff the red pill
nobleguy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 blue or red? LOL! It was some kind of beige/white thing my mate suddenly produced from his pocket. Don't know what it was. I only took it as I'd just bumped into the ex in the club we just left. Useless anyway...
Author brock9911 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Just to let you know noble... that was a reference to the movie the matrix haha
mickleb Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Who'da thought posting an abusive rant would result in such informed discourse? I'm most impressed. Suicides often lead to more suicides. This is so true. My mum attempted twice but that just gave me a 'get out of life free' card. I thought I was destined to do the same or, at least, go full-on mental. Luckily, I only went part-mental, temporarily. Getting out the other side of that has made me stronger than any other thing. We all have the power to turn our weaknesses into strength. I believe it because I've done it ( and can I barely believe that!) Good thread. x
nobleguy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Just to let you know noble... that was a reference to the movie the matrix haha Oh yeah, LOL! Sorry, bit slow. If only life were that interesting
Author brock9911 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 yeah im kinda impressed and shocked at the same time...i was expecting for sure to have people verbally abuse me and want me off the site haha. instead people embraced it and actually got a good discussion going. not to shabby. and a good mix of people, not just one or 2. and as for mental health...i think we're all mentally disturbed. there is no normal. normal is what you make of it...i would look at someone and wish i was in their shoes, than here how sh*tty or hard their life was. its what you make it and im proud to be crazy haha. and i knew once she said the red or blue pill cuz i love that movie. nothing to do with being slow...im just obsessed with movies haha
HeavenOrHell Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 You do care about others because you're having a go at yourself for being 'inconsiderate' about attempting suicide, and you care that you wrote a post which might insult others, so you're not all bad hey?! I've planned suicide by working out how to hang myself from my 4 poster bed, or working out where to jump in front of a train. Suicide maybe selfish but it is done out of sheer desperation when you don't want to feel anything anymore. Finding help hasn't been easy, seems to depend where we live, luck of the draw, I've had very little help even when I've said to my doc how desperate I am, so I'd pretty much given up on asking. Apology accepted by the way Thanks for that. Do you ever do anything nice for yourself instead of giving yourself a hard time? You deserve good stuff same as the next person. i dont understand why people consider themselves cowardly for "NOT" attempting suicide...its silly. your not a coward, you value your life and the peoples feelings around you... like i said i attempted it and i was inconsiderate. i still am. sh*t i wrote a post insulting everyone. because of my own insecurities and misconstrued feelings. you care about the people around you and yourself, and this goes for everyone on this page, thread, site, whatever the f*ck you want to call it...if your here you and your crying out and talking about wanting to commit suicide...you dont want to do it. you want help. i didnt turn to anyone...i litereally looked around my room, house what have you and looked for different ways to end it. my mother is a diabetic. i took her syringe and thought of different ways to use it. i had bleach, draino, cleaning solutions...what ever did the job. but i figured that would be painful and i didnt want that...once again looking out for myself. if you want help, its easy to find, you just got to reach out, and if your on here talking about it, im sure you do. once again my earlier posts were a fit of anger and self hate, i apologize for those i insulted, but thats who i am, im bipolar and i cant apologize for that.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Heartfelt post, wise words. haha anytime. i got a conversation going than i guess i did something right. thats what keeps me ticking is the thought of who id hurt in the process. when i was at my lowest and did made my attempts so to say...i cant even express the panic and fear i faced when i realized what i had just done. its not a fun experience and it sucked worse than the feeling of wanting to die. my mother and father were both devistated and worried like crazy. i had tons of friends and my ex were all by my side. i didnt realize who i had or what i was throwing away. its our own minds and demons we have to face and battle to get by in life. everyone elses problems and feelings are obsticles and constant reminders for us to stay strong. we break from time to time, but we're human, and we heal. some take longer than others but i know ill come out of this. i dont know if you read earlier posts that i wrote but i also lost my father and im sorry to hear you did also. i dont know if he did it on purpose or not, but the sheer thought that he was taking as many drugs as he was to numb his pain goes to show he wasnt happy with his life anyway. losing someone is hard enough, losing them because they dont want to be alive, or the thought that you werent important enough for them is a real knife to the heart. my mother was 5 when her father took his life and it still haunts her. i think back now how she would feel knowing her son and father both took their lives...thats what breaks my heart when i think about it
soheartbroken Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Thanks for starting such a good thread Brock. I'm comforted knowing that so many people on this thread have been through so much, yet are surviving (and some thriving). Dark of the Moon: if you're still around, I would love to know how you survived heartbreak.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I am still here. Forgive me, I am not sure I really understand what you want to know? I survive because I must, failure is not an option. Also, it is still a work in progress....not so much the heartache now, but, the feelings you miss. If you mean what I did. I finally stopped fighting it. It is a pain you have to accept and pass through. It is, what it is and my wishing would not change it. Nor will I have any more answers than those I have today. I am a stubborn girl, I fought it longer than I should have. I allowed myself my need to cry, then I stopped permitting myself to dwell in pity or negativity. When that happens, you have to turn your thoughts. I used to be very angry, about the unfair thing called life. So I would be try to be grateful for what good I do have. Try to live in the moment, not the past. Do little things, even if it was just to take a walk in the sunshine. Try to read or listen to uplifting things, anything to inspire. Play with my dogs. Little things did more for me than anything. Is that what you wanted to know soheartbroken?
soheartbroken Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Yes. I guess I was just hoping to hear about a success story, especially from someone who took heartbreak really hard, and still came out the other side. I hope this makes sense.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) Yes I did take it very hard....I refused to accept I guess? I wish I could say there is a magic cure, but it just happens. Slowly, you get better...once you fight against it no longer. The sun came back again. I am sure there will still be bad days, but I am so much better. I am embarrassed how ungracefully I took it. I honestly do feel like I am on the other side though. No idea what my future will be, I don't lie to myself anymore...just let it happen and try to make as few mistakes on the road as possible for a silly girl. Oh and one more thing that REALLY helped me....trying to help others. Just talking to other people not about my problems, but theirs. Just listening when someone needed something or helping out when I could with things people might need. Even just a kind word to someone can change their and your whole day. Edited November 12, 2009 by Dark_of_the_Moon
GrayClouds Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) Brock, do you know what your problem is? God cursed you at birth. I do not know why but it's pretty much appears it is going to be a life long curse. Because of that, the only way your going to find any contentment is to realize you are cursed and work harder then any of the people around you to find a way to live with it. Good luck. It is highly unlikely your friends have the fortitude to offer you any assistance. It probable they has never really experience someone in your condition. It is likely your families give their best effort they simply do not have ability to give much assistance. Those facts are sad. But you are cursed. Reading your history, reading your old and new post it just reflects God does not smile on everyone and occasionally he dish out a buden on some unfortunate sole. You happen to be one of them. No wonder your so angry and depressed, God has spit on you. I am sorry. By the way, your curse: You were born both highly Intelligent and Sensitive. Good news is some people find a way to live with it and I suspect you will to once you see that this makes you different then many around you and accept it. Edited November 12, 2009 by GrayClouds
Author brock9911 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 you know what though...in the end it cant be a curse because i truly lived. not many people feel the way we feel or have the compation or sensativity that we have. it may hurt us in times when we're down...but honestly when things are up, there really up. the good comes with the bad. and growing up i was always a pesamistic, and a non believer. didnt believe in faith, religion, god ect. but as iv grown older...not that i am old, i broke most of the hateful shell and saw that faith and god isnt just a being or a creator, its something to believe in and help us get through. something to look foward to in the end, and someone to turn to in times of need. i may not believe in the same god some people believe in, but i do believe in something. and however and whatever god decided to do when he created me, its was his doin and my path to follow. i cant change it nor should i. if im cursed, so be it. i still have my family, and even though my friends may not be the best or healthiest in ways, their always there for me when i need them so i can be thankful for that. also thankful that theirs people like you on this site who actually give a damn and are willing to see people through hard times.. thanx man
GrayClouds Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 You can also be thankful you are Intelligent and Sensitive. And after you are thankful then you have to accept it is going to be a lot of work to find a way to make it work for you. It is going to require you take a different road then your friends. It is going to require you push yourself out of your comfort zone. A comfort zone that includes anger and self destruction. That will be hard. The anger is a tool that has worked to deal with being a sensitive person. If you start feeling to much get mad, attack, fight it. You did it with your boss when he change insurance, you did it at the beginning of this post when you want some comfort, and I sure you can point out more. Its great release and still works at times but not always the best outcome and not a long term solution. The self destruction is a great distraction from your intelligence. You have a mind that wants to think so you drink, drug, suicide attempts to quite it. It too works of a short time. But it wont stop it. Becouse it is telling you it is time to start doing things differently. That the tools of anger and destruction is no longer working. They are short term solutions that keeps you returning to where your at, but you want to move beyond this place. So what now... it is time to try some new and scary things. Learn some new tools to manage the intelligence and sensitivity. Find some people like you, they will help you find those tools.
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