let'shaveitright Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I posted on here last week but got no replies - possibly due to asking for support from other 12 steppers. Anyhow, my affair with mm ended last night mutually after a row. The problem I face is having no-one to talk to about this. My mum hasn't spoken to me for 2 weeks, my best friend won't even acknowledge him and my sponsor threatened to sack me. I feel so alone in being able to cope. I understand my part in all of this and that people who care for you get frustrated when you make the same mistake over and over but I'm starting to feel like their love is conditional. I knew in my heart that I/we would find the strength to end it when the pay-off between pain and pleasure became too unbearable. Despite all advice and suggestions I knew that I would have to go through this to learn the hard way- no-one could do it for us. I have deleted all texts and his number and intend to have no contact even if he calls (it is usually him who phones to reconcile). However, I do know that we will be at the same committee meeting in a couple of weeks. I am trying to use the pain and anger I feel and put it to good use i.e. get focused and back on track with my life but from past experience I know that I usually fall into self-pity and depression. Guess I'm just asking for some support during this incredibly difficult time...
MizFit Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Support from this corner...I've lurked around this forum for a good few months, but now starting to post because I'm looking for both support and objectivity. Stay strong...as you said, use the anger to create focus. I remember when the Twin Towers went down...someone in the conference room said he prayed we never forgot how angry we were. Anger, when controlled, can be a powerful tool. Be careful because it is also very self destructive when not properly used. You have some time between now and the meeting. Stay away...stay angry...stay strong. Best to you..
OpenBook Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I have been where you are... feeling like there's no one you can turn to for help. The only thing that worked for me (and I'm not even particularly religious!) was praying, and handing it all over to God. "I don't know what to do with this. I need You to take over this one for me. Please help me." Then, hang in there and wait. The results are extraordinary... way better than anything you could have pulled off yourself. (Isn't that one of the 12 Steps anyway? To realize that this is bigger than you, and you're going to need some help from a higher power?) And while you're waiting for help from above, you might want to adjust your expectations of others. People are not perfect. They have their limits. If you expect your Mom, your BFF, your sponsor, etc. to be perfect supporters, you will be disappointed every time. The best way to love them is to accept them for everything they are, the good parts and the not-so-good as well. Take what you can from what they're willing to give, and let go of the rest (their limitations). Don't hold it against them. They are not God. But they are in your life, and they love you. This is a gift. Good luck. I'll pray for you as well. [[hugs]]
learnfrommymistakes Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Hi I sent a reply but lost it, sorry. I agree with Open Book....I think that going no contact and avoiding him as much as you can, and staying grounded in what you believe is so powerful. We all make bad choices from time to time, learn from it, and take it and do something good with it, focus on what you want, not what you dont want, and use the anger as a tool for growth... god bless
2sunny Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 can you be specific about what your part in it entails? it would help me respond if i understand clearly what you are owning as your role in all of it.
Awakening Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Excellent, excellent post Open Book. This is the kind of advice I need to hear. All of it, from giving it up to the expectations we place on others. Very solid 12-step suggestions that everyone can use.
Author let'shaveitright Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Thank you Mizfit for reminding me about objectivity. The ones closest to me can not objective, they love me and want the best for me and naturally, neither can I be objective about a man I have fallen for but who is essentially dishonest. Openbook, you have done for me exactly what I needed to hear from my sponsor - pray and hand it over. I did this morning and so far it has worked. I am finally beaten and willing to surrender to the fact that I will NEVER be able to control him, it (the relationship) and us. Since I began seeing him in July I have slowly become further & further away from my spiritual truth to the point were only he could fill that hole - I let him become my higher power - and I felt absolutely worthless and dead. Why would I want to even continue feeling like that?? 2sunny, by 'my part in it' I meant that I am fully aware that by seeing a mm i was in fact creating my own mess and that to expect my friends and family to help me clear it up was unfair. Mizzblue72 thank you x Your responses have all helped me keep strong today and gave me the courage to phone my friend. We just got back from coffee. We laughed and cried and we are back on track - she was processing her own stuff this week too - its not ALWAYS about me! I used the anger and pain I felt this morning to better prepare a volunteer class i had planned for today. there really is nothing like getting out of your own stuff to be there for others. I'm gonna forgive myself for wanting to love and wanting to be loved back but lets hope I shoot in a more appropriate direction next time - at least towards someone who deserves to have a woman in his life. Still anxious about him phoning but I'm keeping it in the day, a day at a time. Thank you all for your kind and objective words of support x
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