I love my boyfriend, but... (LONG!)

[poiuuu]

so, here's the thing.

sometimes, i'm not sure if i'm over the last guy i liked.

he's not as goodlooking as my current boyfriend, and doesn't seem half as loving, but i'm just.

not sure.

i suggested to my boyfriend that we take a year-longish break, because i felt bad about my other feelings.

because honestly, he loves me a lot, but i feel like he can do so much better, and he deserves a girl that isn't confused, like i am.

i told him that taking a break would be good for us, and that maybe i'd learn to hold my tongue, and not hurt him so much.

i didn't tell him the truth, that i was confused about my feelings.

he said no, he doesn't want a break, he can take my bitchy-ness and whatever else i throw at him.

so i suggested that we not talk for a week.

he agreed to this.

i couldn't do it, at all.

i immediately told him the next morning to **** it, i wasn't going to not talk to him for that long, i couldn't do it.

that's when i realized that the other kid doesn't mean as much to me as my boyfriend.

but i'm still not 100% sure.

 

should i come clean and tell my boyfriend, or just wait a while to see if i don't like the other kid anymore?

 

because today, me and my boyfriend got into a HUMUNGOUS fight.

we were on the phone, and he asked my why i had told the other guy about a really private issue we had this one time.

i was so shocked that he found out that i just immediately clammed up.

i couldn't talk.

he was yelling, "did you tell him so you could get closer to him? for the sake of making conversation?"

he went BALLISTIC.

and i just shut down and ignored him. he kept asking, yelling louder and louder, and i just freaked, and i didn't know what to say. i was scared he knew that i sort of liked his friend (the other guy.) he called me an ******* and a jerk, asking me why i completely ignored him. i told him it was because he was screaming at me, when it was actually because i was scared that he knew. he demanded that we break up.

i said okay, because i deserved it.

i hung up, and turned everything that we could communicate by off.

(because whenever one of us asks if the other wants to break up, we go into a huge discussion about it and we always deicde not to. i'm usually always the one that brings up breaking up, because i'm a bit of a pessimist, and i don't believe we'll last. we talk about breaking up a lot.)

about 5 minutes later, i turned my phone back on, and he had texted me several times, telling me to please call him back, text him back, to talk to him.

i told him that i loved him, and he repeatedly apologized for freaking out.

i tried to keep my cool, but i ended up getting totally pissed.

i yelled told him to go **** himself, who did he think he was, yelling at me like that? calling me an ******* and a jerk?

i could tell he felt REALLY bad, because throughout my whole rant, he just kept saying "ohmygod. please let me explain. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry."

and he sent me this huge email about how sorry he was, and that he needed me, and that he was so sorry.

 

but really, it's my fault.

and i feel so bad.

should i just explain, that i'm not sure if i'm over his friend?

that it was why i completely shut down, ignored him, and got defensive when he demanded to know why i had told his friend?

i LOVE my boyfriend, he's become so much to me.

i'll risk losing him, because i know that he can do way better than me, and i want him to be happy.

but he says that if we break up, he won't be happy at all, that he doesn't know what to do without me.

i don't know what to do anymore.

i told him that if we broke up, in the long run, he'd be happier. but he says he won't be.

what should i do?

tell him about my feelings about his friend?

or just wait for my feelings for his friend to go away?

i'm scared that i might be missing 'something good' with his friend, though.

but i'm scared that i might lose 'something good' with my boyfriend.

 

EDIT: should i TELL my boyfriend about the crush?

Edited November 11, 2009 by poiuuu

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your boyfriend to be honest with you about his crush over another girl? Either you have trust and honesty in a relationship or lies and deceit. The choice is yours.

[ducknrun]

You shouldn't feel guilty if you have a crush on someone if you do, but you should be honest to yourself and your boyfriend. If you want things to work out with your current boyfriend now and later you need to be honest. It's not easy but will need to happen if you see a future with him.

[seibert253]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your boyfriend to be honest with you about his crush over another girl? Either you have trust and honesty in a relationship or lies and deceit. The choice is yours.

 

 

Amen Bryan

 

You are either truthful or you are deceitful. There is no gray area here.

[Skump]

You're missing the forest for the trees:

 

The behavior you've described makes you sound like a 14 year old girl. Until you grow up and gain control over your emotions, your LTR prospects - with this guy or any other - are dim to say the least.

 

I mean, this?

 

i'm scared that i might be missing 'something good' with his friend, though.

but i'm scared that i might lose 'something good' with my boyfriend.

 

 

People aren't commodities to be compared and traded like sprockets. You will never, ever be happy in a relationship with this attitude.

 

Pick somebody compatible and commit to him. Invest in your relationship, and go explore the vast ocean of possibility that exists within every decent human being.

[Dexter Morgan]

should i come clean and tell my boyfriend, or just wait a while to see if i don't like the other kid anymore?

 

how about instead of suggesting a "break", which is only a way of keeping someone dangling on a string while the other selfishly explores other relationships, that you just break up with him?

 

It shouldn't be your bf's problem that you might not want to lose him if things don't work out with the other guy. That should be a risk you should take. Otherwise you are just dangling your bf on a string to pursue your own desires, and that is selfish.

 

 

 

because today, me and my boyfriend got into a HUMUNGOUS fight.

we were on the phone, and he asked my why i had told the other guy about a really private issue we had this one time.

i was so shocked that he found out that i just immediately clammed up.

i couldn't talk.

he was yelling, "did you tell him so you could get closer to him? for the sake of making conversation?"

he went BALLISTIC.

 

well of course he did. you are playing him for a fool, good to see that he isn't going to play that part.

 

 

and i just shut down and ignored him. he kept asking, yelling louder and louder, and i just freaked, and i didn't know what to say. i was scared he knew that i sort of liked his friend (the other guy.)

 

oh, you want his friend...well this just keeps getting better.

 

After hearing this, your bf would be a fool to keep you.

 

 

he called me an ******* and a jerk, asking me why i completely ignored him. i told him it was because he was screaming at me, when it was actually because i was scared that he knew. he demanded that we break up.

i said okay, because i deserved it.

i hung up, and turned everything that we could communicate by off.

(because whenever one of us asks if the other wants to break up, we go into a huge discussion about it and we always deicde not to. i'm usually always the one that brings up breaking up, because i'm a bit of a pessimist, and i don't believe we'll last. we talk about breaking up a lot.)

about 5 minutes later, i turned my phone back on, and he had texted me several times, telling me to please call him back, text him back, to talk to him.

 

ok, I have to reverse what I said, he IS playing the part of "fool" now. nothing at all against him, he just needs to wake up.

 

 

i told him that i loved him, and he repeatedly apologized for freaking out.

 

you love him, but you want his friend. you got a weird notion of love.

 

 

i tried to keep my cool, but i ended up getting totally pissed.

i yelled told him to go **** himself, who did he think he was, yelling at me like that? calling me an ******* and a jerk?

 

uh, who did he think he was? someone that has an emotionally unfaithful girlfriend.....thats who. he was perfectly justified in being angry.

 

like you wouldn't be thinking that about a guy that wants to stick it to one of your best friends.

 

 

i could tell he felt REALLY bad, because throughout my whole rant, he just kept saying "ohmygod. please let me explain. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry."

 

ok, you bf has serious issues. he is cowtowing to a girl that wants his friend. hopefully he wakes up.

 

 

but really, it's my fault.

and i feel so bad.

should i just explain, that i'm not sure if i'm over his friend?

 

no, you should break up and ignore his desperate attempts to contact you. He doesn't know whats best for him, because he is desperate and hurt. cuz I guarantee, once the desperation goes away, and the hurt turns to anger(which you already saw a glimpse of), he will be always suspicious of you. And if you contact the other guy in any way, he WILL get very angry again....and nobody could blame him for it. he'd have to blame himself for staying with you.

 

 

that it was why i completely shut down, ignored him, and got defensive when he demanded to know why i had told his friend?

 

defensive? you were COMPLETELY wrong to confide in this other guy especially because of the way you feel about him. you call it defensive as if he didn't have a right to be angry....he had every right.

 

 

i LOVE my boyfriend, he's become so much to me.

 

you must be young, because I don't get the impression you know what love is. Love isn't confiding in a guy you have designs on about your relationship with your bf. Love isn't wanting another man. If you loved him, nothing like this would enter your mind.

sorry, but you don't know what love is. maybe you need to be alone until you are mature enough to handle it.

 

 

i'll risk losing him, because i know that he can do way better than me, and i want him to be happy.

 

then that settles it, based on what you said above, you HAVE to break up with him.

 

 

but he says that if we break up, he won't be happy at all, that he doesn't know what to do without me.

 

oh, thats what we all say when in shock and desperation. but time heals all....so does finding someone else. He is one of the many that doesn't think there is anyone else out there. There are good women out there...PLENTY. Once he realizes this and finds one, he'll wonder why he didn't end things sooner.

 

 

 

i don't know what to do anymore.

i told him that if we broke up, in the long run, he'd be happier. but he says he won't be.

what should i do?

tell him about my feelings about his friend?

or just wait for my feelings for his friend to go away?

 

your feelings won't go away, and this won't be the first guy you think you'd like to be with other than your bf.

 

so yes, tell him about your feelings for the guy, that might be one way to get him to wake up.

 

 

i'm scared that i might be missing 'something good' with his friend, though.

but i'm scared that i might lose 'something good' with my boyfriend.

 

sorry to say, but that is YOUR problem. stringing someone along because of your fear is completely selfish.

 

and to think that these are the only 2 guys in the world that would be "good"...then you are falling into the same line of thinking as him when he says he won't be happy if you 2 break up.

 

 

EDIT: should i TELL my boyfriend about the crush?

 

yes,...otherwise you will just end up cheating on him and if you break up, then at least he'll know why and might make it easier for him to cope.

[Dexter Morgan]

You shouldn't feel guilty if you have a crush

 

having a crush is one thing......actively engaging yourself in an emotional affair with said crush and laying the groundwork to be with that person is quite another.

[cas114]

this is the kind of crap i dont understand. i mean u LOVE him but u got a crush on someone else i mean you are asking yourself if you are missing something good with the other guy...

 

if u really love him u wouldnt have a crush on another guy or asking yourself . what if ..... sure maybe you love him as a friend but - in love- with him ? no, i dont think so.

 

better break out for good in the best terms and save the friendship .

[jalbertson]

You sound very sketchy. Man up and break up with him already.

[phineas]

She sounds exactly like my wife when I caught her cheating & confronted her.

 

If the OP doesn't break up with her boyfriend I see her cheating on him in more than an emotional way.

 

The only thing worse than getting dumped for someone else is when the person who went for someone else skips the step of dumping the one their with first.

[Spectre]

If you truly loved him you wouldn't of had a crush on anyone. That's really all there is to say, let the poor guy go and leave him alone.