after ivf, my wife has affair and gets pregnant

[boldjack]

OP, What Tara has said is spot on. Leave her, right now. In NONE of this, has she shown you any respect or love. She was going to use you to help her raise someone else's child. This is beneath contempt.

[Lizzie60]

My-my.. that should be an easy decision..

 

Leave her.. simple as that.. you're not even married to her.. and she already cheated on you and got pregnant.

 

I just hope you won't be stupid (read weak) enough to keep her and raise the kid as if he were yours.. then down the road, she'll meet someone else, might even get pregnant with another dude.. and you'll end up paying child support for the first one.. that's completely ridiculous.. if you do.. she might loose the little respect she has for you.. and see you more like a complete doormat..

 

Sorry.. but you need a head shake..

[quankanne]

voyager, this is a crappy *ss situation to find yourself in, and I feel for you. But it boils down to this: You could not give her what she wanted, so instead of discussing all options with you, she went ahead and took care of things herself. Expecting you to go along with it because it is her heart's desire and you're supposed to love her, yadda yadda. BUT, I'm curious about this whole conception thing: Unless he's pumped full of really strong sperm and she's incredibly fertile AND they hooked up at the right time to cook up a baby, surely she's slept with him more than once

 

there's also the troubling fact that she slept with him, then waited all this time to confirm her pregnancy, THEN alerted you to the fact?

 

hon, that reeks of selfishness, and shows that you are not a part of the equation in this whole thing. Unless it's to be the child's token father-figure because you are it's mother's partner ...

 

I really, really think you need to reconsider why you want to stay with someone who obviously has no respect for you but expects you to respect HER desires/needs.

 

hugs,

q

[TaraMaiden]

oh....and read the above poster's signature.

And mine.

And quit this now.

 

Please let us know this is over.

Please.

 

Please.

[voyager]

well got home but she's not back from london yet, i have scribbled a list of some of the really useful things you folks have said, (mainly as i know that i will just get angry and forget the pertinant and usefull info you have all helped me with)

of course i cant go on with this relationship as by all benchmarks of trust/support/love/fidelity its broken beyond repair.

i will attampt to remain calm as i think its important in the first instance to get said guys details as i think he ought to know the situation, i thought initially that this was just a way of getting back at her for the hurt, but the more i think about it the more its important he knows the result (i would WANT to know if the tables were turned) once i have the details i will at least then be able to explain why i am out of this relationship.

my partner has some iddylic ideal of children and the responsibility involved and required, (of course i have the teeshirt on this one already so speak from experience) i have to make her understand that despite her screwing up of this relationship, unless her outlook changes she will screw up the childs life as well.

i would love to wish her well, but i cant and dont, Is that selfish ?

 

well i hope to update you later on how things pan out, and once again thanks for your input and help.

 

Dave

[TaraMaiden]

well got home but she's not back from london yet, i have scribbled a list of some of the really useful things you folks have said, (mainly as i know that i will just get angry and forget the pertinant and usefull info you have all helped me with)

of course i cant go on with this relationship as by all benchmarks of trust/support/love/fidelity its broken beyond repair.

i will attampt to remain calm as i think its important in the first instance to get said guys details as i think he ought to know the situation, i thought initially that this was just a way of getting back at her for the hurt, but the more i think about it the more its important he knows the result (i would WANT to know if the tables were turned) once i have the details i will at least then be able to explain why i am out of this relationship.

my partner has some iddylic ideal of children and the responsibility involved and required, (of course i have the teeshirt on this one already so speak from experience) i have to make her understand that despite her screwing up of this relationship, unless her outlook changes she will screw up the childs life as well.

i would love to wish her well, but i cant and dont, Is that selfish ?

 

well i hope to update you later on how things pan out, and once again thanks for your input and help.

 

Dave

 

A calm demeanour is by far the best 'revenge' you could exert.

Being calm, collected and capable in the face of something so devastating will disarm her, particularly if she falls into thinking that you're coming round to the idea....

 

You deserve to know who the dad is. If she's expecting you to bring the kid and live happy ever after with her, in la-la land, you at least need to know a bit about the dad.....

 

If they work together, will she be able to keep doing so, knowing what she knows?

Will she never find it difficult to be in the same room as him, knowing he made her pregnant?

Will it affect her position or his, if it gets out?

 

All these are questions designed to narrow it down... because sure as fish smells in a warm room, she's never going to say. "Oh, his name is XXXX, he's XX years old and he works in the XXX department"....

 

be calm, get all the info you think you need, then tell her - calmly, slowly and quietly:

"I want you out by the weekend.

I don't care where you go, you are no longer a part of my life.

This Saturday, I start life without you.

As of this evening, we're both free agents.

Enjoy your life.

This discussion is over."

 

And walk away.

Do not respond to screaming, entreaties, insults, reasoning or anything else for that matter. Just go to your room, and close the door.

if she tries to walk in, escort her out, and close the door.

do NOT rise to the bait, do not start a slanging match, do not get drawn into discussing this.

 

Plain and simple.

She cheated, she's a liar and a user.

You don't need to waste any more time on her than is absolutely necessary.

 

Look at all your finances: if anything is shared, withdraw half - or whatever you know to be your rightful share - and put it somewhere else.

She has no rights over you, your property or anything else.

She'll have to fight you for it.

 

You haven't detailed what you share, where you live, or anything like that. But as I said, just because you co-habit, it doesn't mean diddly-squat, legally.....

[boldjack]

Voyager, the other guy definitely needs to know. About 5 years ago, My wife and one of my son's and his GF, were sitting down to breakfast, when a young person came to my door and introduced him/herself as possibly being my daughter/son. (I'm being ambiguous to protect him/her) I remembered the woman, whom I had sex with many years ago. After we stopped , I never heard from her until the person came to my door. We were tested and sure enough, he/she is a Boldjack. 24-25 years old. Imagine the trouble and anxiety this could cause. Tell the guy, right away.

[silverstalkings]

What exactly does she plan on telling the co-worker?

Yes, there is a big difference between being artifically inseminated AND having another man's penis inside your wife during a heat of passion. I don't see how anyone can overcome the constant reminder of their wife's infidelity.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm sorry Voyager, but she disgusts me.

 

She won't even admit that she betrayed your trust. I don't buy for a moment that she fycked the other guy just to get pregnant. She fycked him because he turned her crank, and because she wanted to. Pure and simple.

 

The simple reality is that if you stay with her, you will be raising another man's child. And not just another man's child, but a child born from betrayal. If it were me, right now I'd be deathly afraid that every time I looked into the eyes of "my" child, I'd be reminded of my partner's betrayal. I'd be afraid that the relationship was poisoned and compromised from the beginning. That's collossally unfair to the child, and collossally unfair to you. Plus the fact that the biological father will probably have access rights. I can't imagine how confusing and upsetting that could be to the child.

 

IMHO, she's a selfish, manipulative, unprincipled bitch. The one saving grace in this situation is that you learned the truth BEFORE she deceived you into unknowingly playing father to another man's child for years. At least this way you're free to make the best decision for YOU, armed with all the information.

 

And the fact that she was willing to tell you that she "hoped your heart would be bigger than this"... my god.

 

Run, my friend. Run far away from her, and don't look back.

[Lucky_One]

I can tell you this, from the standpoint of a woman who tried to get pregnant (I had a bad history of miscarriage, so we tried to get pregnant many times).

 

When you deliberately have sex in order for a pregnancy (which is what she told you she did), you time your cycle. You take ovulation predictor tests. You take your temperature. And you have sex MORE THAN ONCE. (And you prop your legs up on the wall afterwards, too.)

 

She didn't just randomly have sex one time in order to conceive, if she has been having conception issues. The average chance of pregnancy with unprotected sex is about 20%. Avout 60% of couples with no fertility problems and who are actively trying to have a baby (that means having multiple sex sessions) within 6 months.

 

When people have affairs and are forced into admitting this to their spouse, then the truth trickles slowly and painfully, and the adulterer tries to mitigate their own wrong-doing. You haven't heard the end of the details, and you haven't heard the truth.

 

Good luck - I really, truly feel for you in this situation.

[reservoirdog1]

hi thx for the reply,

 

as she admitted had she not been pregnant she probably would never have told me.

her side is that she was emotionally down and worried if she was ever able to have children with me. as she is down in london for a buisiness meeting she has sent some text messages. i think its ok to post here. and i quote.

 

"whats the worst thing for you ? that i betrayed you ? i didnt, i am here and your still important to me. we wanted a baby and we can have it, and a happy future. why care how it was concived, time heals and makes us forget things."

These exchanges are particularly galling. She admitted that she wouldn't have told you about fycking the other guy if she hadn't gotten knocked up. That's so bloody far from being "just something she was doing to get pregnant" -- I can't believe she'd actually try to put THAT one by you. If it hadn't happened, she'd have kept cheerfully fycking the other guy, disrespecting you and making you into even more of a fool.

 

That woman is a cancer on your life. Cut her out.

[lostsunsets]

bump for update.

[VeveCakes]

Right outta the song " All I wanna do is make love to you"

 

This chick took that Heart song to heart big time.

[Dexter Morgan]

anyway this evening my partner informs me that 3 1/2 weeks ago she slept with a work colleauge and as a result is pregnant. she tried to sell this outcome to me by saying that its the same as donor treatment only it was much cheaper and that i should find it in my heart to accept the outcome and be happy for her.

 

ya, I'm sure thats EXACTLY why she had sex with another man.

 

she expects you to be happy for her?? ok, now you are unhappy. what a great deal for you eh?

 

I think you need to divorce her and the co-worker needs to support the child.

 

 

to be brutally honest i did not take this news with a patient and calm demenour and instead basically said that not only can i not accept the outcome, but really cannot continue a relationship where my partner would do such a selfish thing.

 

do NOT steer away from that line of thinking. I can't believe she even had the audacity to try to play it off as if it was just some IVF session and she did it because it was cheaper:sick:

 

she had sex with another man because she wanted him....what woman goes off and screws another man saying that it was to get pregnant. if that were true, wouldn't you think she'd have consulted you?

 

but of course she didn't, she cheated because she wanted to have an orgasm with this man. sorry to put it that way, but thats the way it is and thats how you need to realize it is.

 

 

i understand that the drive for a woman to have children is a very strong and all consuming desire but my point was that if this was a route that she wanted to take then perhaps trying the donor treatment first would have been the best thing to do, and that failing that, at least given me the oppertunity to voice my opinion.

am i being to harsh ?

 

no you aren't being harsh. she wants to have a baby...fine...now she can get the other man to support HIS child, and you should move on to a better life away from such a woman.

 

 

i am totally torn in two now, the women i love has forced me to make a choice between brining up a child who is the result of an illicit affair, or walking away, either way i think i am looking at a long hard road of unhappines.

 

 

no, you walk away. Staying with her will only bring you pain. Trust me, once you are away from her, when you move on, and find a decent woman, you will realize that life with your selfish X would have been no life at all.

 

I guarantee you, if you stay with this "woman", your life will be less than it could be and you will have nothing but turmoil and heartache.

 

 

well thats it really, its 5am i been awake all night and feel like a rabbit in the headlights not knowing where to turn.

your sage advice would be most welcome.

 

Dave

 

my advice, get an attorney, tell him/her that she is pregnant with another man's baby, that way the courts won't saddle you with child support from the get go. And if the coworker is married, inform his wife.

 

but bottom line......get rid of her.

[stillafool]

i understand that the drive for a woman to have children is a very strong and all consuming desire

 

 

Not for all women, especially me. But, as far as your wife is concerned is she still going to carry on her affair with the co-worker? Is she in love with him? How long have they been in an affair? Is she someday planning on packing up the baby and moving in with the baby's father? Does he have children already (and a wife)? What is she planning to do about this other man even if you forgive her?

[Dexter Morgan]

hi thx for the reply,

 

as she admitted had she not been pregnant she probably would never have told me.

her side is that she was emotionally down and worried if she was ever able to have children with me. as she is down in london for a buisiness meeting she has sent some text messages. i think its ok to post here. and i quote.

 

"whats the worst thing for you ? that i betrayed you ? i didnt

 

she doesn't think she betrayed you? I think she needs to be committed if she really thinks that.

 

She betrayed you, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

 

 

 

i am here and your still important to me. we wanted a baby and we can have it, and a happy future. why care how it was concived,

 

omg:lmao:...she is one delusional, unscrupulous individual.

 

if you got another woman pregnant, she'd hit you over the head with a frying pan.

[stillafool]

I have to agree with other posters that there is no way you can be happy with your wife and her "love child". I would just move on if I were you as I can't see how there could be a happy ending "for you" in your situation. Your wife is incredibly selfish and her desires are the only thing that matters to her. What if she wants more kids, is she going to run back to him for another baby?

[Dexter Morgan]

it seems this was just some one night stand with i presume a single guy from work whom she says she viewed only as a donor.

 

so what????

 

if that were the case, she could have sat you down and laid her getting pregnant from some other guy as an option.

 

she cheated, plain and simple, and now she is carrying around the product of another man getting pleasure from your wife and vice versa.

 

And I can guarantee you, given her character, if she goes on business trips, she has cheated before.

[Dexter Morgan]

she says she would rather be a single mother if it comes to it.

 

THERE YOU GO!!! Give it to her. And make sure your lawyer knows before the baby is born that it is not yours

[stillafool]

"whats the worst thing for you ? that i betrayed you ? i didnt, i am here and your still important to me. we wanted a baby and we can have it, and a happy future. why care how it was concived, time heals and makes us forget things."

 

 

 

 

I can't believe she would say this to you. So she was out fycking and thinks you should be happy to raise and financially support her "affair child". She is nuts. My father and mother split up when I was a kid and my mother came back to my dad pregnant with another man's child and guess what? He sent her packing and ended up marrying one of the most wonderful women in the world. My bio mother can't compare to her. Let her go and you will find happiness. You wife is missing one of the most important components for you that a woman must have for her husband - RESPECT. Let her go and you will find a woman who will give it to you.

[stillafool]

well guys/girls i really heartfelt thx from me for the replies.

as the morning has progressed more details are coming to light. it seems this was just some one night stand with i presume a single guy from work whom she says she viewed only as a donor.

i have protested that true donor treatment as one of you has already mentioned an anonymous procedure in which the biological details of the donor are gone into in great detail. congenital defect testing/dna screening STD/aids testing etc etc. she seems to think this is all not an issue as she claims he is a nice and normal guy ! of course i raised the very real issue of me now having to be screened for STD's/aids as of course un-protected sex took place.

another text message today (please excuse the launguage and i ges by her text you may get the gist of my originating one) again a direct quote.

"you keep saying horrible things but ok, i understand you are upset. i didnt **** all the time only that once and not trying to sell you anything. you will never understand what it is like to think you might not have any kids. yes, no matter what you say, i saw that person as a donor. i was hoping that your heart was bigger than this. perhaps the fact that wasnt going to to leave or tell anyone and you were the person i came to with an open heart, well it should tell you that i do value our relationship.you of all people should be more forgiving as you have been doing things which effected our life. i guess i dont fully understand how you feel. only last week i said you didnt seem that keen on me or our life, and it seems now you are just disgusted"

 

i am not going to prtrey to you that i am a saint, because i certainly am not, its been a really difficult year with my buisiness suffering and having to lay people off which really knocked me for six, and the constant strain of several failed IVF treatments have really taken its toll and for sure i was probably at rock bottom generally, but i thought that things would settle and we had some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

luckily or unluckily we are not married generally as living together brings with it the same civil protections here and we did talk about working on a date to tie the knot next year when things settle a little.

 

trouble is i dont really have anyone to talk this over with as both my boys i am sure would be shocked beyond belief and my ex who i get along well with would of course laugh it off. so unfortunatley that leaves you folks to hear and comment on a very upsetting part of my life.

all the best,

Dave

 

 

Thank God that you are not married to this woman. Please make sure that babies "father" knows he is going to be responsible for taking care of his child. You can also let your gf know this too. Trust me dear, she is lying through her dirty teeth that this was a "one time" thing and she just happened to end up pregnant. If she wanted to use this guy as a donor why didn't she discuss it with you before hand? If you fall for this she will feel like she can get away with anything. Stand up for yourself now!

[jerseyboy]

I actually find her subsequent behavior more disturbing than what she did.

 

Throwing about a bunch of adjectives to describe her behavior is pointless.

 

She seems contemptuous of you. Maybe its the age difference, and other things, but you appear fortunate to even have her in your life as far as shes concerned regardless, and is unable to grasp how you cant see that.

 

I dont even think shes deflecting, and turning it around, as most do. Thats just how she actually feels.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank God that you are not married to this woman.

 

they aren't married? I missed that part.

 

then its real simple.....RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN away from this sorry excuse for a woman.