after ivf, my wife has affair and gets pregnant

[voyager]

Hi folks and thx for reading,

i guess like a lot of folk we get a bombshell dropped on us and in our grief and despair we turn to the internet for advice and a place to just say things we might not otherwise say in the hope that by some cathartic method we can somehow make sense of why we feel the way we do. anyway my name is Dave and this evening i had the mother of all bombshell's.

but first a little background.

 

we have both previously been married and met through work 6 years ago and fell in love, normal domestic bliss ensued until a cpl of years ago when the subject of children was raised. now i have 2 grown boys by my ex wife and my partner has no children, the problem (why is life never smooth) is that i had a vasectomy 15 years ago so it was not going to be a walk in the park.

so to cut a long story short we have been through 5 cycles of IVF without success and this (as you can imagine) has caused great stress in our relationship both emotionally and financially. a few months ago we decided that perhaps donor treatment was worth looking into and we were in the process of looking for a good clinic and going over all the possible problems and safegaurds.

anyway this evening my partner informs me that 3 1/2 weeks ago she slept with a work colleauge and as a result is pregnant. she tried to sell this outcome to me by saying that its the same as donor treatment only it was much cheaper and that i should find it in my heart to accept the outcome and be happy for her.

to be brutally honest i did not take this news with a patient and calm demenour and instead basically said that not only can i not accept the outcome, but really cannot continue a relationship where my partner would do such a selfish thing.

i understand that the drive for a woman to have children is a very strong and all consuming desire but my point was that if this was a route that she wanted to take then perhaps trying the donor treatment first would have been the best thing to do, and that failing that, at least given me the oppertunity to voice my opinion.

am i being to harsh ? i am totally torn in two now, the women i love has forced me to make a choice between brining up a child who is the result of an illicit affair, or walking away, either way i think i am looking at a long hard road of unhappines.

 

well thats it really, its 5am i been awake all night and feel like a rabbit in the headlights not knowing where to turn.

your sage advice would be most welcome.

 

Dave

[boldjack]

Dude, this is a toughie. You have a very bitter choice to make, and there doesn't appear to be any good options. What were the circumstances that caused her to tell you?

[voyager]

hi thx for the reply,

 

as she admitted had she not been pregnant she probably would never have told me.

her side is that she was emotionally down and worried if she was ever able to have children with me. as she is down in london for a buisiness meeting she has sent some text messages. i think its ok to post here. and i quote.

 

"whats the worst thing for you ? that i betrayed you ? i didnt, i am here and your still important to me. we wanted a baby and we can have it, and a happy future. why care how it was concived, time heals and makes us forget things."

 

a few more along similar lines, tbh i am a really easy going person with a fairly open and fair outlook on life. but this i dont think even i can tolerate, perhaps its just too fresh at the moment, but i not sure.

 

Dave

[TaraMaiden]

I love it.

if she hadn't become pregnant, she would not have told you.

How very considerate.

 

The child HAS a real-life, identifiable, physical, present father.

And it's not you.

 

The whole point of IVF is that it's anonymous, and the donors have given their 'bodily fluids' in confidentiality, with no repercussions, no come-backs and full acceptance that those bearing the offspring be counted as the true parents.

 

If this guy is married, that flies out of the window, and a whole new can of worms presents itself.

What would his wife say, for a start?

Why should you support the child that, not only is not the fruit of your loins, but is the physical result of your wife's infidelity, with another man's dick inside her, and has a father elsewhere who SHOULD be taking the responsibility for his actions?

is he intending to walk away from this, unscathed?

is she intending to let him?

 

She's turning all this back on you, and trying to make you sound unreasonable.

 

She Fu*k*ed around, for God's sake!

"Emotionally down"....?

were you 'emotionally down' that you could not make your wife pregnant, so you balled some woman who didn't matter?

 

Excuses, excuses.

She screwed another guy because she felt like it.

 

Bottom line.

 

Tell her to leave, take her baby with her, and seek support from him, because you're not going to be paying child support for some kid you never agreed to having.

Not whilst it's father has a dick between his legs and she knows who he is.

[TaraMaiden]

"whats the worst thing for you ? that i betrayed you ? i didnt, i am here and your still important to me. we wanted a baby and we can have it, and a happy future. why care how it was concived, time heals and makes us forget things."

Jeesh!

Takes the biscuit!

 

"What's the worst thing for you? That I betrayed you?"

Yes, too damn right! you went behind my back and fu*c*ked a guy and you would never have said a thing if you hadn't become pregnant!!"

 

"I didn't I am here, and you're still important to me"

if this isn't the most patronising and heartless retort ever, I'd eat my hat.

She's denying the betrayal, but how can she? It was without your knowledge or consent, behind your back and in secret. Thst is betrayal.

 

'Important to her'...?!?

How about 'I love you and don't want to lose you'?

How about 'I'm sorry, you're right, it was a dreadful thing to do, I was wrong, can you ever forgive me?'

That would cut more ice than 'you're important to me', wouldn't it....?

 

we wanted a baby and we can have it, and a happy future. why care how it was concived, time heals and makes us forget things.

Brainless, insensitive, conniving, scheming and devious.

She's cut the other man out of the equation completely (does he even know she's pregnant with his child??) and is expecting you to bring it up as yours, and forget this ever happened. let bygones be bygones...??

W-T-F-!!!???

 

 

 

Out.

She has to leave.

Keep her in the relationship until it's too late for her to have an abortion - then kick her out.

That way, she will find out that letting bygones be bygones is impossible.

[mark982]

buddy, your wife takes the cake. cruel,heartless,doesn't even love you(you're just important to her) but i do like what tara says! keep her in the relationship till it's to late for a abortion,then curb time.

[seibert253]

hi thx for the reply,

 

as she admitted had she not been pregnant she probably would never have told me.

her side is that she was emotionally down and worried if she was ever able to have children with me. as she is down in london for a buisiness meeting she has sent some text messages. i think its ok to post here. and i quote.

 

"whats the worst thing for you ? that i betrayed you ? i didnt, i am here and your still important to me. we wanted a baby and we can have it, and a happy future. why care how it was concived, time heals and makes us forget things."

 

a few more along similar lines, tbh i am a really easy going person with a fairly open and fair outlook on life. but this i dont think even i can tolerate, perhaps its just too fresh at the moment, but i not sure.

 

Dave

 

Here's what I read. Excuse for the ooops: "but I did it for us"

 

Bullcrap.

 

If she never got pregnent, you would have never knew about this.

 

Run Forest Run. Nothing good will come if you stay with her.

[seibert253]

Let me get this straight; was she in London when she told you?

 

Ray Charles can see the selfishness in the tone of her email

 

"You are important to me" WTF is that?

 

Dude, having a baby, (and a man on the side), is more important to her than her husband. For the sake of arguement, lets say she did sleep with the OG just to get pregnent. Did she include her husband in this descion, NO. Nothing by selfish IMO.

 

Dude, she needs to go. If I were you, her sh#t would be waiting for her sitting on the curb when she got home.

[voyager]

well guys/girls i really heartfelt thx from me for the replies.

as the morning has progressed more details are coming to light. it seems this was just some one night stand with i presume a single guy from work whom she says she viewed only as a donor.

i have protested that true donor treatment as one of you has already mentioned an anonymous procedure in which the biological details of the donor are gone into in great detail. congenital defect testing/dna screening STD/aids testing etc etc. she seems to think this is all not an issue as she claims he is a nice and normal guy ! of course i raised the very real issue of me now having to be screened for STD's/aids as of course un-protected sex took place.

another text message today (please excuse the launguage and i ges by her text you may get the gist of my originating one) again a direct quote.

"you keep saying horrible things but ok, i understand you are upset. i didnt **** all the time only that once and not trying to sell you anything. you will never understand what it is like to think you might not have any kids. yes, no matter what you say, i saw that person as a donor. i was hoping that your heart was bigger than this. perhaps the fact that wasnt going to to leave or tell anyone and you were the person i came to with an open heart, well it should tell you that i do value our relationship.you of all people should be more forgiving as you have been doing things which effected our life. i guess i dont fully understand how you feel. only last week i said you didnt seem that keen on me or our life, and it seems now you are just disgusted"

 

i am not going to prtrey to you that i am a saint, because i certainly am not, its been a really difficult year with my buisiness suffering and having to lay people off which really knocked me for six, and the constant strain of several failed IVF treatments have really taken its toll and for sure i was probably at rock bottom generally, but i thought that things would settle and we had some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

luckily or unluckily we are not married generally as living together brings with it the same civil protections here and we did talk about working on a date to tie the knot next year when things settle a little.

 

trouble is i dont really have anyone to talk this over with as both my boys i am sure would be shocked beyond belief and my ex who i get along well with would of course laugh it off. so unfortunatley that leaves you folks to hear and comment on a very upsetting part of my life.

all the best,

Dave

[turnstone]

Three things:

 

1. I'm glad to see you're going for an STD check.

 

2. You may want to check out the law with regards to the same 'civil protections'. Many cohabiting couples believe that their relationship will have the same status as being married, but their relationship with one another is not recognised as having any legal standing, and they have no special status in the eyes of the English legal system.

 

3. It looks very much like she's using emotional blackmail.

[TaraMaiden]

You're not married - ??

 

you're nOT MARRIED - ?!?

 

Woooo-hooo!

 

Walk away.

leave her with the kid, and let her go to him for support.

This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM

 

THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!

 

This is NOT your issue, and you have no obligation - none whatsoever - to stay in this relationship!!

 

She made this problem, not you.

She created this mess, not you.

Like I said, you may have had problems, but you didn't seek solace in the arms of anyone else.

She can insist all she likes this guy was just a donor.

One: Is he aware of his involvement?

Does he realise this is all he was to her?

Two: Does he know she's pregnant?

Three: has he any idea at all - AT ALL - what this will mean to him?

 

Doesn't change she's a user and a cheater.

The fact that she was willing to get this guy to screw her, as a means of getting pregnant is abominable.

 

Well, she well and truly made her bed.

She can lie in it.

I don't know where you live, but Law does not treat co-habiting couples in the same way as married couples, at all.

In UK Law, unless there is a civil ceremony - she's just a girlfriend, and an awful lot of 'joint legal issues' are anything but.

This is complete misconception.

You're off the hook.

 

I'm more glad than you'll ever know.

[eeyore1981]

This is a terrible thing to happen.

 

Jeez, if she wanted this guy as a donor, this is something the two of you should have discussed, and I've read stories about this kind of thing, where a turkey baster comes into play, not actual sex.

 

Now there is a bun in the oven, whose creation you did not know about or consent to. She doesn't seem in the least remorseful, and even goes so far as to try and turn this back on you.

 

You are not crazy for feeling this way, and don't let her convince you otherwise. I'm not big on advising people to leave their relationships, but I have to agree with the other posters on this one. Pack her sh*t and put it on the curb. What she has done to you is horrible, and she doesn't even seem sorry.

[voyager]

well apparently she has no desire to tell this guy of the outcome of their get together.

which i remarked was just an abominable thing to do, i asked what she was going to tell the child when asked at some point who her father was, she says that many children are brought into the world as a result of a one night stand and dont seem to be any the worse for it.

 

she says she would rather be a single mother if it comes to it. which i agree demonstrates her utter dissregard for our relationship or for the feelings of her partner.

how did i manage to convince myself until last night that i was in a relationship that was loving and supporting, i am so angry that i have seemingly thrown away 6 years of my life and made huge changes to this end.

i am not ready to curl over and die and am a young 46 she is 36 so i thought that she still had a number of years before the hope of conception was fading.

i kind of see that i am in the anger phase right now and dont know how long it will last before saddness and upset sets in but fingers crossed.

 

Dave

[theBrokenMuse]

Her texts to you indicate that she feels righteous in her actions and she thinks that you have no right to be upset because in her mind, all of this is your fault. She thinks you owe it to her to shut up and take whatever she throws at you because you couldn't give her what she wanted when she wanted it. She is an emotionally stunted person who seems to be incapable of empathy. It's all about her and only her. I pity that child to have such a self-centered mother. Run like hell!

[JamesM]

IF you had both decided to have a real live man be the donor, then it would be okay.

 

Since you are not married and she had this ONS with a guy presumably to get pregnant, then walk away. Being pregnant was more important to her than her relationship. There is a saying..."It is easier to beg forgiveness than ask for permission." In many cases that is true, but it doesn't take away the deed.

 

Having a baby is important to her and I respect that. However, she had two choices if using a real donor was important...End it with you or get your permission. Essentially by doing neither she chose to end your relationship. Her thinking is that you will get over this and stay with her. Why? Because she knows you based on past experiences like this.

 

What happens when she wants another child?

 

BTW, couldn't you have reversed the vasectomy for the price of IVF?

[Bryanp]

I would not believe anything she is telling you. She said if she was not pregnant she never would have told you which means she has no problem lying and cheating on you. In addition, I doubt I would believe her that she only slept with this guy once. The chances are pretty good that she continued to sleep with him until she got pregnant.

 

Her attitude that she betrayed you and put your health at risk for STD's was not that big of a deal to her. You are so lucky you are not married. You know what kind of person she is. She has no problem cheating and lying to you when it suits her interests. Again she had no intention of telling you until she got pregnant. You would be an absolute fool to remain with her. She is a selfish individual who could less about your feelings and her betrayal. You really would have to be a masochist to stay with her.

[voyager]

BTW, couldn't you have reversed the vasectomy for the price of IVF?

 

to be honest had i known beforehand that there would have been 5 attempts i would have done so. as we blew £40k on what turns out to be a waste of time an effort

well she will be back home later and the contents of your replies have given me much to think about and a better way of putting my side.

 

Dave

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to say this - But I'm of the opinion the guy deserves to know. And if he works with her, can you imagine his thoughts when her bump begins to show....wouldn't he wonder...?

Panic even?

And then have her tell him she's been having IVF so he's got nothing to do with it?(because she will lie to him as well.... she used you, she used him, she's a liar and a cheat, so what's just one more lie to her?)

That will deny him the opportunity to act as he sees fit. And face the consequences of his actions, too.....

 

If you can, somehow, you need to know who this man is.

And you need to tell him it's his child.

And she needs to face the consequences of her actions.

Because so far, she's got it all her way.

A man in her life, a good quick fertile f**k and a baby on the way.

 

Just my opinion....

[JumpinJimmy]

This sounds like something from a porn genre called cuckholding or something similiar, so the troll detector is going off.

If your story is true, she sounds like a domineering alpha type personality and she will treat you even more like a dog than she already has if you stick around. Run, don't walk away from her.

Edited November 11, 2009 by JumpinJimmy

[lostsunsets]

Of course you can't take this. First off she selfishly does some other guy. And don't buy that donor crap either. She already admitted that she wouldn't tell you if she hadn't gotten pregnant. Know why? Because she would have kept doing the guy until she selfishly got what she wanted. What happens when she wants a little brother or sister. She obviously would do it again. She conveys absolutely no sorrow for what she has done to you. Its called narcissism. You do not want to bee tethered to her. Turn and run, and consider yourself lucky for finding out what kind of woman she was. You dodged a bullet by not being married to her.

[LifesontheUp]

I found your story hard to read Voyager, not just because of what you have gone through in trying for a child but the infidelity too.

 

I spent 7 years trying to conceive and didn't go through the IVF route due to shear costs. Its unbelievably soul destroying to want a child so much, when it seems those around you can manage it without any problems. But I have to be honest, not once did I ever consider sleeping with anyone else to get what I desperately wanted and I think this is where I have the problem with understanding your g/f. I just don't get why she did it. She went behind your back and is now trying to justify it and is more than willing to keep the news from the OM.

 

Honestly, I don't think I could be around her after what she has done. She has shown a blatant disregard for your relationship and has shown you her true self in all this, which lets face isn't very pretty at all

[2sure]

Voyager -

 

Yep. Life sure does throw curve balls doesnt it??

I'm your age, so we have both had our share of surprises and lessons.

 

You hit the nail on the head - for some women, the ticking of the biological clock, and the frustration of not having it fulfilled...is a crazy making experience. So, right or wrong, crazy or not - this MUST be taken into consideration.

 

But this is infidelity. This is betrayal. Even if there were no child, the infidelity is not something you want to...get over or roll with. It has to be addressed. Fully and completely. At our age we think of ourselves no doubt, as at least decent communicators. But Ive been surprised myself after discovering my own H's infidelity , how very much we have not communicated. I have learned a lot in marriage counseling. My marriage may or may not survive, but the MC has been a big learning experience for us both. For us, I believe it is too late....but for you, it could be perfect timing.

 

Children as you know are life's biggest blessing and also a big inconvenience under various circumstance! Figure out the infidelity and the baby will not be a crisis.

[voyager]

thanks again guys, i am sitting here at work about to pack up and head home, only problem is i dont want to go near the place. its strange my fists have been baqlls all day and i think i have ground the fillings out my back teeth. my stomach is a knotted butterfly farm

 

of course it sounds like a troll post, i only wish to hell it wasnt. when she came into my office yesterday and said i have somthing to tell you but i not sure how you will react. i thought she may have bought some shoes tat were more expensive than she said, or that she scratched my car going to the shops, you know how you feel like its not going to be a big deal ? well !

 

yesterday i loved her with all my heart, we had problems sure, given the trauma we been through i guess thats not unsuprising. but i cant not love her today, i dont think it works like that, we turn the emotion of "love" into "anger" for a short while to distance the emotion and pain.

 

i mean i am a hell of an optimist, always have been, no matter how low my life has been at times, but this ?

for the first time in my entire life i am faced with a problem that i cant solve, say i say ok lets try make it work, for the rest of my life i will be looking at a child that reminds me of that night and i think that will be too much for me and will slowly rot our relationship from the core.

and i am 100% convinced that she will want to keep the child as this fixation seems to drive her more than anything else.

i really seem to be at a dead end with nowhere to go but out and ots a hard pill to swallow.

Dave

[road]

Things that need to be done if you were to stay with WGF. WGF needs to go NC with the OM for life. This means that WW can no longer work for the same company as the OM. She have to leave her job.

 

Is WGF wiling to do this?

 

WGF also has to tell the OM that he is the dad. Paternity DNA test will be required.

 

All this aside, you are not married, she hatched this plan on her own. She is justifying her actions, pregnancy, and how you should accept the OC.

 

She is not showing signs of being a good wife. Being you are not married, pack up her stuff send it to her parents house and change the locks.

 

Problem sovled.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude your gonna be paying child support for another man's child!!!!!!

 

ANOTHER MAN'S CHILD!!!

 

You need to stick to the facts and get her the hell up outta that house, this woman is so evil!!!