JaneInVegas Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Hell, I'll take it if you like. I'm 48 years old, married and divorced twice, and neither of the schmucks bought me a ring. I'd take an engagement ring from a Crack Jack box and be pleased as hell that someone thought enough of me to buy me a ring. I understand the importance in your jewellry matching, truly I do, but do you also worry that your marriage certificate and divorce decree will match as well? I don't mean to be rude, but you have no idea how lucky you are to have a guy who took your sister shopping for an engagement ring.
Author skittle Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 your very dramatic arent u bj. i didnt disrespect him i asked him v nicely if he would mind me looking at other rings as he told my parents before he proposed that i could change the ring if i didnt like it. i havent been badmouthing him either fyi i was just looking for some advice because i felt so bad but its complicated as u would see if u read my previous entry.
carhill Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 2) I just checked and the pigs have started to grow wings
boldjack Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 OP, re-read your own posts. If my wife talked about me to strangers like that , the sh*t would hit the fan.
Author skittle Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 i really don't think ive said anything very bad about him bj its just the whole situation, anyways i think i just expect him to be like my father which is impossible i guess. i will prob say it to him anyway any suggestions on how not to hurt his feelings? he told my parents i could change it so i really dont understand why he said that if he didnt mean it..
CarrieT Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 i havent been badmouthing him ... read my previous entry. From your own words: an engagement ring is the most important piece of jewellry a girl can have and the first thing people say when u get engaged is show me the ring and i want a ring that refflects me aswell as him You don't want a ring that reflects his love for you, but what you can show to other people. You are more concerned about how YOU look than how your fiancée feels. i always buy him more than he buys me You are telling us that you are more concerned with the monetary things. he might as well have proposed to someone else with the ring if hes never going to want to get me what i want. That is pretty badmouthing in my opinion. You are ready to dispose of him because he want buy you what you want. he isa nice guy but can be v insensitive at times Then why do you want to marry him?
PinkToes Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 So if I'm tracking this correctly, all you're really looking for here is a way to tell your fiance that you can't even bear the thought of wearing the engagement ring he chose for you as an expression of his love, and that you won't be happy until you find something better, and that if he really loved you, he would understand -- without hurting his feelings? Is that right?
seoa Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) his parents are very controlling and his father talks his mother down all the time and sometimes he does that to me. my father is a very generous romantic man and i just want my fiancee to treat me the way my dad treats my mam. he just makes me feel like i dont deserve things sometimes and takes the good out of things. Like yesterday for my birthday he told me how much one of my presents was and was saying how expensive another present was ,im a v sensitive person and i just get really upset and hurt. i just want him to want me to be happy but he gives me the impression i should be happy with what he thinks i should be happy with. if i dont make a stand on this then maybe he is never going to put my feelings first..? yes, yes, yes... the way his parents interact is likely the way he will interact with you, because that's what we do (unless we choose to look at alternative ways of behaving)... it is reasonable for you to want your relationship to mirror the way your parents interact - because that's what you're used to, and because it sounds like they treat each other well (although remember that what you see as 'generous' now, is after 30 or so years of sorting out their financial situation - I suspect he wasn't generous in the same way back when they had their first kid, so you cannot reasonably expect your man to spend in the same way as your dad does now...)... but since both sets of parents interact differently, you both have different expectations for how your relationship will work... this will cause you problems if you don't sort it out now... BEFORE you get married... when he brought up the ring situation again i just got upset, part of me resented him bringing it up to make me feel bad as he said it in relation to i better like my birthday present. a part of me is scared that ill never be able to be honest with him about anything again for fear of hurting his feelings, kind of that i dont deserve to ask for what i want. yes. this is not really about the ring... this is about how you two are going to treat each other, and it doesn't sound promising... why have you ignored the many suggestions about pre-marital counselling... how do YOU feel about it, do you think it worth doing, have you ever thought about doing it, do you need more info...? and what would HE think about doing some PMC...? i asked him v nicely if he would mind me looking at other rings as he told my parents before he proposed that i could change the ring if i didnt like it. I agree that you could have picked your timing better, if you mentioned it on the night of the proposal (even if he brought it up, I'd have given a non-committal answer, that could have been followed up at a later time)... On one hand, the ring isn't that important - see the other posts about getting used to it - but on the other, this issue is about so much more than the ring - it's about him respecting you, and your opinion, and about how he's dealing (badly!) with his hurt feelings... Please respond to the advice about PMC... why are you ignoring all of those comments, coz it's the most helpful thing you're going to hear at this point...! Edited November 12, 2009 by seoa
Stung Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I'd agree that you should go to pre-marital counseling, OP. You've got a baby involved already, you and your fiance BOTH need to work on your communication skills and on how you handle your hurt feelings and disappointment. Personally it doesn't read to me as though you've been badmouthing him so much as that you have some jitters and concerns, which is pretty normal before a wedding, esp. when the two of you are being tested by the stress of having a new baby. You should have exercised more tact than to express dismay with the ring on the day you got it, I think that's a given. And considering how much trouble you've been having finding the right words for yourself on here, I suspect that you didn't come off quite as nice about it as you think you were...something to think about. But I think a lot of posters here are being harsh and coming off as browbeating you. The OP has never said she wanted a bigger, more expensive ring, just that she wished it suited her better. Yes, your fiance has a lot invested in the symbol of the ring as his love for you and probably thought about what it would be like when he proposed to you...but yes, you ALSO have a lot invested emotionally in the ring and probably thought a lot about what it would be like to wear a symbol of love for the rest of your life, and I'm sure you assumed it would be beautiful. Maybe I have more sympathy for your dilemma here because i am a 'jewelry person'; I'm not about the bling of overpriced gemstones but i am about the wearable art, and I have several custom-made signature pieces that mean a lot to me. I have taken several jewelry-making classes and learned to mould my own wax casts and pour and file my own metal to make silver rings. I was overjoyed that my husband knew me well enough to know that our tastes don't match and so we went ring-shopping together and got a custom ring. I hate the diamond industry and I just don't do yellow gold so if he had sprung a yellow-gold gaudy diamond ring on me I would have had a hard time with it, admittedly; I mean, I really love the idea of looking at my engagement ring still on my finger when my finger is wrinkled and bony and still admiring it both for it's beauty AND for it's sentiment. Would I have still said yes to his proposal? Of course! I love him and our family and the life we are building together more than any ring. But a part of me would have been disappointed, and if he had asked me at a slightly later date how I really felt about the ring, I would have been torn over what to do...and I have a decade of learning tact and discretion on you. I would have preferred a sterling silver band with a moonstone over a yellow gold band with a diamond any day because it would better fit my style. However, I'd suggest you let go of your notion that your proposal was rushed. It sounds like you guys don't have a lot of money right now and he went out and found a voucher for this hotel to use to make the night special, and asked your sister for help in picking the ring...that shows a lot of forethought and your not appreciating that makes you sound more ungrateful than anything else you've said here, IMO. He sounds like he actually worked pretty hard on this proposal and my guess is his feelings are hurt because you haven't even noticed. You are pretty young but it is time for you to realize that engagements and marriages and babies, they're real life and not like in the movies. If you're going to be married, you need to learn to support and appreciate the romantic gestures that your husband will make, not take them for granted or nitpick them to death because that is for sure the fastest way to ensure that he never makes another one. my advice would be to tell him right now that you're sorry the ring thing got blown out of proportion but that you want to make sure he does know that you do appreciate all the hard work he put into that night in general. Anyway, it sounds like at this point the ring has become ammunition you both use to hurt each other and express disappointment with; that needs to be nipped in the bud! To me it sounds like neither of you is seeing the other's point of view, you are each mired in your own position. Even if something happens and you never marry this guy, that's going to be a problem as you are still going to have to co-parent your child together. Take the counseling suggestion and run with it. You can come to terms with the ring, among other things, in your counseling sessions.
CarrieT Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Maybe I have more sympathy for your dilemma here because i am a 'jewelry person'; I'm not about the bling of overpriced gemstones but i am about the wearable art, and I have several custom-made signature pieces that mean a lot to me. I have taken several jewelry-making classes and learned to mould my own wax casts and pour and file my own metal to make silver rings. I was overjoyed that my husband knew me well enough to know that our tastes don't match and so we went ring-shopping together and got a custom ring. I hate the diamond industry and I just don't do yellow gold so if he had sprung a yellow-gold gaudy diamond ring on me I would have had a hard time with it, admittedly; I mean, I really love the idea of looking at my engagement ring still on my finger when my finger is wrinkled and bony and still admiring it both for it's beauty AND for it's sentiment. Would I have still said yes to his proposal? Of course! I love him and our family and the life we are building together more than any ring. But a part of me would have been disappointed, and if he had asked me at a slightly later date how I really felt about the ring, I would have been torn over what to do...and I have a decade of learning tact and discretion on you. I would have preferred a sterling silver band with a moonstone over a yellow gold band with a diamond any day because it would better fit my style. I guess that is what is so odd for me. I am also a jewelry person. I *make* jewelry art and my work is in galleries and boutiques all over the country. It is the industry in which I make my living. Yet -- for being 45 years old -- I have yet to have a man give me a ring or any form of jewelry. "Oh, I'll just buy you some stones and you can make what you want..." is the type of lines I have been given. Despite the fact that I have a large collection of vintage and custom work by other artists, I don't necessarily like always wearing my own work. So to be given a piece of jewelry that means something is that one thing which would mean more to me than anything else, despite what it looks like. I mean, do you go buy groceries and tell a famous chef to cook his own meal? Nope - even chefs like to eat other people's food and I would love to wear a ring made by someone else if it were given to me by someone who thought enough to bestow the gift.
carhill Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I have yet to have a man give me a ring or any form of jewelry. "Oh, I'll just buy you some stones and you can make what you want..." is the type of lines I have been given. Perhaps the man is intimidated, much as I might be intimidated to cook a nice meal for a professional female chef. It depends on how much veto a man's ego has experienced and can handle. Personally, I wouldn't be deterred. To me, and having done it, the proposal is as much about the experience as it is about the props and the ring. It's an experience every woman (and man) should enjoy at least once
Stung Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 CarrieT, if we were ever to experience such an unlikely rip in the fabric of reality as to wake up one morning and discover that I was now your boyfriend, I would totally buy you a ring. And you'd better like it! I can absolutely see where you are coming from, but I think you are in a somewhat unique position and I have to agree with Carhill that many men would probably find the prospect of buying you jewelry pretty intimidating/daunting. I know my husband has said he will never buy jewelry for me that I haven't pointed out to him first, because he just doesn't get the subtleties of why I love one piece and disregard a similar one. Similarly, he is a better 'foodie' and cook than I am and it was almost a year of being together before I was comfortable cooking for him, as he intimidated me right out of the kitchen. Still, perhaps you just need to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and mention this openly to your current/next partner. He can't rise to the challenge if he isn't aware that it's there. I don't want to compromise your anonymity in any way but I admit I'm burning up with curiosity to check out your work now, and I'm a little envious of your profession. I had a lot of fun designing my own rings but even I had to admit that it was NOT where my talents lie.
CarrieT Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Perhaps the man is intimidated, much as I might be intimidated to cook a nice meal for a professional female chef. I used that analogy because I also went to cooking school and it is very few people who will cook for me, either! I'm just doomed to be self-sufficient and provide for myself for the time being, but our OP, I don't think there is any doubt that we all believe she and her partner should get counseling and SOON! Good luck, my dear.
SimplyBeingLoved Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) I don't see the issue being about the ring, or even so much materialism. If I gave my love something as important as an engagement ring, that I wanted to be as symbol of our love, and she didn't like it... I would go as soon as possible to the jeweler to get something my love DID appreciate. I would not have a fit about her being materialistic; this is supposed to be something she wears EVERY DAY... it's a symbol of the *shared love*. How can I be happy knowing she doesn't LIKE the symbol of shared love? Many posters have said the OP has been selfish; I think her fiancee has been equally so. The OP didn't say she wanted something bigger, or more expensive. Sorry she didn't like the ring, that's too bad, yes it hurts, but for something as symbolic as that, heck yeah, I'd replace it in a jiffy with something she could admire. And, I think it is an important issue, because it reflect the way you are both dealing with things. Years from now, if there are troubles down the road, the ring WILL come back up as a sore issue. This issue needs to be addressed... NOW. It's not the ring, it is the way both are handling this as a couple. BTW, I'm not a guy, so I haven't been in this position. My husband and I went shopping together for an engagement ring. Edited November 13, 2009 by SimplyBeingLoved
PinkToes Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Years from now, if there are troubles down the road, the ring WILL come back up as a sore issue. This issue needs to be addressed... NOW. It's not the ring, it is the way both are handling this as a couple. I agree it's the way they're handling the situation that matters. But I would also suggest that years from now, when (not if) there are troubles down the road, the ring itself will seem like an incredibly small issue. What will be remembered -- especially if the couple doesn't figure out how to interact in healthier ways -- is that the proposal marked the beginning of a rather dysfunctional marriage.
spaceyStacey Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Skittle. The same thing happened to me. I don't like my ring either and I tried to gently tell him because he kept asking me "you don't like it, do you?..." so eventually I said yes. A ring is more important than a car. It lasts a lifetime. I'm not saying it should cost more than a car, but it must be something u are comfortable with and enjoy. I am really disappointed too and my boyfriend immediately called my mother and now they both think I'm ungrateful. It's just an important moment in our lives and we have high expectations. We don't want to enter a marriage disappointed by a stupid ring. My bfs biggest complaint is that it's a gift and he'd appreciate ANY gift from me, but an engagement ring is incomporable to other gifts. Don't feel guilty for your true feelings. Your happiness comes first and u deserve a ring u like. Last year I was appalled when a friend exchanged her ring but NOW I understand. You've dreampt about this for years and you have high hopes.. It's completely normal. Please don't feel guilty. And it's not like you're blaming him, I think you're handling it so well. Kisses!
zoe1983 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I am kind of on the fence about this....I am recently engaged as well, and although I never pointed at a certain ring and told my fiance "buy that" I definitely gave him hints. He listened to everything I said because he really wanted to get me a ring that I loved. I preferred white gold over yellow gold and I preferred a three stone ring over a solitaire. Now we are both still young and struggling financially, so the ring wasn't huge or anything. BUT he listened to everything I said and even got me a ring better than I had wished for. I am not saying that its the ring that matters...but the fact that your fiance didn't take the time to listen to you and know you well enough to know what you would like. Maybe I am weird but everyone who is even remotely close to me would realize that I hate yellow gold jewelry. I never ever wear it...only white gold. I am pretty sure that even if a friend got me some costume jewelry or my mom bought me something, they would know to get white gold or even silver, over yellow gold. I mean it seems like to me at least, that most people today have a preference one way or the other. To me its not about the ring...but the fact that he either didn't know her well enough, or did not put in enough effort to figure out what she liked. It is clear that she is not complaining about the price or size of the diamonds but more the style and gold color.
Pink Cupcakes Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 If this were me, and he had refused to take into account my tastes and style (and not wearing yellow gold at all would have been a big clue for him), I would not ever wear the ring, engaged or not. He should have kept the receipt so it could be exchanged for something more your style.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Oh, puleeezzze..... Suck it up. He thought enough about you to buy the piece of jewelry and many don't even get that. Why can't you be thankful for the love and compassion of the man you have in your life? It is a symbol, not a fashion statement. Accept it with grace and charm and love it as a reflection of the relationship and thoughtfulness with which it was given. Thats a bit harsh Carrie no? Honestly not to offend as I enjoy most of your posts but you almost sound jealous and jaded a little there. She did tell him how much she loved him and all its just that the ring isn't the kind of jewelry she wears she even said she would be happy with a plainer looking one how is she trying to make a fashion statement? when my ex gave me one it was the same situation it just wasn't my style I felt like I had a door knob on my finger. Thank god he was mature enough to except that and we picked something else out together. It ended up cheaper for him in the end anyways its sad how her guy is acting about it.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I think you're materialistic. You sound like one of those brides who cares more about the wedding (certain flowers, decorations, etc) than the marriage. I wonder if this is as materialistic lets say some ones mom bought them a horrid dress like bright neon pink with green flowers or something and they asked to exchange it would that would also be so wrong? After all it was a gift bought with good intentions and love no? common guys haven't any of you ever asked to or gone and exchanged a birthday or Xmas present ever? I some how think the ones labeling the op here as materialistic may be the 1st ones in the return line the day after Xmas lol.. Shes not asking for a bigger more expensive ring yes that may be materialistic then but no shes just saying the style he picked doesn't suit her very different..
theBrokenMuse Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Honestly now that I am seeing this thread, I think men would be wise to propose with a hideously ugly engagement ring. It would really serve to weed out the undesirables right off the bat. Some girls want to get married because they are in love but some want to get married so they can play out the dream wedding they've had stuck in the head from the time they were six and anyone who gets married to one of those types are in for one hell of a ride.
theBrokenMuse Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 common guys haven't any of you ever asked to or gone and exchanged a birthday or Xmas present ever? I some how think the ones labeling the op here as materialistic may be the 1st ones in the return line the day after Xmas lol.. Then you would be wrong, at least in my case. I would rather put something away then exchange it. Exchanging gifts has always come across as kind of tacky to me for some reason.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Honestly now that I am seeing this thread, I think men would be wise to propose with a hideously ugly engagement ring. It would really serve to weed out the undesirables right off the bat. Some girls want to get married because they are in love but some want to get married so they can play out the dream wedding they've had stuck in the head from the time they were six and anyone who gets married to one of those types are in for one hell of a ride. Hold up so because I didn't care for his choice of ring I was an undesirable? oh please I think not thats painting allot of women with a very broad brush don't you think? lets face it wither or not we want to admit it id guess that 85% of us has at some point in our lives at least once exchanged something some one bought for us I think some are being a little needlessly hypocritical here
giotto Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Personally, I think your fianceé showed lack of maturity here. Ok, he might have been a bit upset you didn't like the ring, but so what? You'll have to wear it for the rest of your life and it's important you like it. It's not matter of being spoilt, materialistic or selfish. You will see something you don't like everyday, for the rest of your life. It's the symbol of your love. Surely, he would understand this and go to the jewellers with you to replace it...
Pink Cupcakes Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 If your girlfriend bought you a hideous shirt for your birthday that was completely not your style, would you wear it and pretend that you like it? Would you wonder why she didn't take into account your taste when choosing to buy you a shirt for your birthday? Case closed. Honestly now that I am seeing this thread, I think men would be wise to propose with a hideously ugly engagement ring. It would really serve to weed out the undesirables right off the bat. Some girls want to get married because they are in love but some want to get married so they can play out the dream wedding they've had stuck in the head from the time they were six and anyone who gets married to one of those types are in for one hell of a ride.
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