My MM has been caught....

[Dexter Morgan]

i met the BW after the affair started. i never wanted to, but he brought her around.

 

the first time i met her she was rude and disrespectful to me (without reason, she had no clue). she was also rude and disrespectful to him.

 

perhaps she did have a suspicion. perhaps you werent the first he slept with behind his wife's back. he probably wasn't very good at hiding his worthlessness

 

 

in fact, she was ALWAYS a witch to him when i saw them together. i know this wasnt the case in real life. shes a great wife and mother. but the times i saw her she was pretty ugly to the both of us.

 

again, she probably had a suspicion that he was a dog...and since he knew you well, she might have had a suspicion of some sort, just never the proof, that you were shagging her husband.

[Snowflower]

 

As to her pain, it is not that I can not feel empathy, I can. It is just that I simply can not make her pain somehow MORE real than my own. I feel MY pain. And the truth is, it would be a rare person indeed, who given the choice to suffer angonizing pain, or have that same pain inflicted upon a stranger instead, would choose to feel the pain themselves. (Could you imagine telling the man with the battery cables and a power supply "Hey, don't torture that person over there that I have no emotional connection to, torture me instead!" ?)

 

 

This is not a good analogy unless you say that you are helping the man with the battery cables...because that is what you are doing in a way in this situation...you are helping your MM hurt his wife. Yes, he is MORE to blame but you are not blameless.

 

I actually thought you were a little more sympathetic to those in pain, FA...I had admired the depth of your responses. Even though I didn't agree with some of your decisions, I liked your compassion. Oh well.

[NoIDidn't]

I know some posters are shocked by what they are calling a lack of compassion and empathy towards the pain of another - another that they helped to cause the pain towards mind you - but I rather like the honesty.

 

There are all kinds of people that read this forum, and yet never post.

 

There is a recently found out BS out there that needs to read that this might be exactly how they, their marriage to the WS, and their family crisis is being viewed by the person that helped do this to them with their less than honorable mate.

[MizFit]

I know some posters are shocked by what they are calling a lack of compassion and empathy towards the pain of another - another that they helped to cause the pain towards mind you - but I rather like the honesty.

 

There are all kinds of people that read this forum, and yet never post.

 

There is a recently found out BS out there that needs to read that this might be exactly how they, their marriage to the WS, and their family crisis is being viewed by the person that helped do this to them with their less than honorable mate.

 

If the BS had confronted me she would have heard it from my lips. Since Dday I've found out she had gotten the password to my email address and spent the day wandering around reading my emails. There is no doubt since she also was watching what I wrote that day she is fully aware I have no guilt for the situation. I'm aware of this because MM rang and warned me...she was ringing him at work reporting all of the things I was saying. Before anyone jumps on the 'she deserved to' bandwagon...she was in there without permission and had full access to personal and private mails from probably 50 other individuals.

[MizFit]

I don't think of her as some evil person who is keeping him from me, the fact is, he has never really spoken poorly of her, he just doesn't speak much about her at all. She is not a part of MY life, and she is not a part of my life with MM.

 

When he is with me, he is with me. We are not discussing her. He is not dumping his problems with her (or lack thereof) in my lap, he is focused on me.

 

As to her pain, it is not that I can not feel empathy, I can. It is just that I simply can not make her pain somehow MORE real than my own. I feel MY pain. And the truth is, it would be a rare person indeed, who given the choice to suffer angonizing pain, or have that same pain inflicted upon a stranger instead, would choose to feel the pain themselves. (Could you imagine telling the man with the battery cables and a power supply "Hey, don't torture that person over there that I have no emotional connection to, torture me instead!" ?)

 

I would like to say that I was that giving of a soul, but I am not. I love and want this man in my life forever. In order for ME to have that, she would have to lose him. Those are the facts. I am willing to bet that she would not offer him up on a silver platter to me, just to ease MY pain.

 

 

Well said FA...

[turnstone]

it is a very sad fact of life that many who are abused often become abusers.

 

Yes, I agree with this. And it seems to me that they are abusing themselves, more than the BS.

[hopesndreams]

I don't think of her as some evil person who is keeping him from me, the fact is, he has never really spoken poorly of her, he just doesn't speak much about her at all. She is not a part of MY life, and she is not a part of my life with MM.

 

When he is with me, he is with me. We are not discussing her. He is not dumping his problems with her (or lack thereof) in my lap, he is focused on me.

 

As to her pain, it is not that I can not feel empathy, I can. It is just that I simply can not make her pain somehow MORE real than my own. I feel MY pain. And the truth is, it would be a rare person indeed, who given the choice to suffer angonizing pain, or have that same pain inflicted upon a stranger instead, would choose to feel the pain themselves. (Could you imagine telling the man with the battery cables and a power supply "Hey, don't torture that person over there that I have no emotional connection to, torture me instead!" ?)

 

I would like to say that I was that giving of a soul, but I am not. I love and want this man in my life forever. In order for ME to have that, she would have to lose him. Those are the facts. I am willing to bet that she would not offer him up on a silver platter to me, just to ease MY pain.

 

No, you're right, she wouldn't offer him to you on a silver platter, it's her husband, she loves him, she made the vows to him, but if she knew about you and gave it serious thought and didn't let her heart get in the way of her logic, she would let you have him, to ease HER pain.

 

Also, it isn't a rare person that makes sacrifices for others. In order to help and save others they risk their lives for people they have no emotional connection everyday. Look around you! And they don't do it just because it's their job. They do it because they care.

[LaGazelle]

Let's see...I was about 26 when my H cheated on me...I was 46 when I met my MM...I would hardly say that's a matter of my healing process going bad. I met someone...I fell in love...it's something we do day in and day out. I knew I had no future with him just like I knew I had no future with the 'bad boy' when I was 20, but I still fell for him. I knew I had no future with him just like I knew I had no future with the man I worked with for a year that was going to return home after his contract was up, but I still fell for him. We set ourselves up for falls all of the time...in none of those relationships would I go back and change anything.

 

Mizfit, you are entitled to your opinion and you may be right about that in your situation.

 

However, it is a known fact that many people carry damage from as early as childhood with them to the grave. Some use the experiences for the better, and some do the opposite. All our experiences colour our worldview, and I would say from what I have seen of your posts that you didn't really fully get over your H's betrayal to get your inner spark back. You seem to be still searching for that.

 

You have mentioned a couple of times that you expect that the BW in your situation should see things the way you did when you were the BW, and I would hazard a guess that even on a subconscious level, you think she should suffer the way you did as a BW. At the very least you certainly don't care if she suffers like you did as a BW.

 

Even if you are the type that falls in love willy nilly, it is not a mere coincidence that you keep falling in love with men in a triangle. You probably and understandably feel that If an OW had the power to do it to you, you can have that power too...

 

I am really sorry about your situation, because it is the sort that leads to a vicious cycle and leaves a lot of despair and heartache in its trail.

[Snowflower]

I know some posters are shocked by what they are calling a lack of compassion and empathy towards the pain of another - another that they helped to cause the pain towards mind you - but I rather like the honesty.

 

There are all kinds of people that read this forum, and yet never post.

 

There is a recently found out BS out there that needs to read that this might be exactly how they, their marriage to the WS, and their family crisis is being viewed by the person that helped do this to them with their less than honorable mate.

 

I also appreciate the honesty and I have mentioned this before.

 

However, the lack of empathy is astounding at times.

 

Being an empathetic person myself, I can sometimes really sympathize with pain of some of the posters here, even if I don't agree with their choice to have an affair...because pain is pain and a broken heart caused by a relationship that went bad, whether it is a marriage beyond repair, an EMA that ended abruptly, or even a relationship between two single people that ends, the ending of a romantic relationship hurts. I get that.

 

It just bothers me that some people don't care about the pain they cause to others because they feel their feelings are somehow more important. The sense of entitlement is sickening sometimes.

 

I agree though that it could be helpful to a recent BS when they are trying to understand what type of person could do such a thing. You bring up a good point.

[Dexter Morgan]

If the BS had confronted me she would have heard it from my lips. Since Dday I've found out she had gotten the password to my email address and spent the day wandering around reading my emails. There is no doubt since she also was watching what I wrote that day she is fully aware I have no guilt for the situation. I'm aware of this because MM rang and warned me...she was ringing him at work reporting all of the things I was saying. Before anyone jumps on the 'she deserved to' bandwagon...she was in there without permission and had full access to personal and private mails from probably 50 other individuals.

 

and how did she get your password?

[Fallen Angel]

This is not a good analogy unless you say that you are helping the man with the battery cables...because that is what you are doing in a way in this situation...you are helping your MM hurt his wife. Yes, he is MORE to blame but you are not blameless.

 

I actually thought you were a little more sympathetic to those in pain, FA...I had admired the depth of your responses. Even though I didn't agree with some of your decisions, I liked your compassion. Oh well.

 

Had I gone into this with all of the facts at hand, I would tend to agree with you. But the fact that I didn't know put me on the same playing field in the "hurt" department. The fact that I continue in the affair is wrong, I get that, and I do empathize with her pain, but I still can not make her pain more important to me than my own, no matter how ideal that would be.

 

I love him.

I want him.

I want to fight for him.

 

She knows about me, we have had a Dday, yet she stays as well.

 

She loves him.

She wants him.

She wants to fight for him.

 

How is it that I am the one who comes off like the victimizer?

 

We were both lied to. We both made the same decision to stay. Try as people might, I just can not be made to feel that I am so completely inferior that I shouldn't fight for the man I love, despite the fact that it causes someone else pain. She is not willing to let him go FOR ME. Why should I just be willing to let him go FOR HER.

 

I did not ask to be a part of his life, he asked me to be.

 

I just don't know any way of wording what I mean any better to as explain my point of view.

 

I am a good person. I do have much compassion. To say otherwise is a falsehood. But I am also human....

[Snowflower]

Had I gone into this with all of the facts at hand, I would tend to agree with you. But the fact that I didn't know put me on the same playing field in the "hurt" department. The fact that I continue in the affair is wrong, I get that, and I do empathize with her pain, but I still can not make her pain more important to me than my own, no matter how ideal that would be.

 

I love him.

I want him.

I want to fight for him.

 

She knows about me, we have had a Dday, yet she stays as well.

 

She loves him.

She wants him.

She wants to fight for him.

 

How is it that I am the one who comes off like the victimizer?

 

We were both lied to. We both made the same decision to stay. Try as people might, I just can not be made to feel that I am so completely inferior that I shouldn't fight for the man I love, despite the fact that it causes someone else pain. She is not willing to let him go FOR ME. Why should I just be willing to let him go FOR HER.

 

.

 

Okay, FA. Thank you for answering this. I understand better now.

 

Basically, it sounds like you and the BW are going to fight over the same man. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to understand and I think you and I just have a different mindset about fighting for a man.

 

Personally, I think two women fighting over the same man is kind of degrading to the two women but that's just my opinion.

 

Have you thought about just letting him go and seeing which one he chooses? Sort of the 'if you love someone set them free' idea?

[hopesndreams]

Okay, FA. Thank you for answering this. I understand better now.

 

Basically, it sounds like you and the BW are going to fight over the same man. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to understand and I think you and I just have a different mindset about fighting for a man.

 

Personally, I think two women fighting over the same man is kind of degrading to the two women but that's just my opinion.

 

Have you thought about just letting him go and seeing which one he chooses? Sort of the 'if you love someone set them free' idea?

 

Letting him go to find out who he chooses? No, no, no...the only way he would choose the OW is if the BS kicked him to the curb!!

 

His W needs to make the choice. So far, she is choosing him. Maybe one day, she will wake up out of her dream world and realize her H is a piece of sh*t, but until that day happens, if it ever does, enjoy sharing the man you love so bl**dy much. Oh, and as you are reading this, they are making mad passionate love.

[NoIDidn't]

Had I gone into this with all of the facts at hand, I would tend to agree with you. But the fact that I didn't know put me on the same playing field in the "hurt" department. The fact that I continue in the affair is wrong, I get that, and I do empathize with her pain, but I still can not make her pain more important to me than my own, no matter how ideal that would be.

 

I love him.

I want him.

I want to fight for him.

 

She knows about me, we have had a Dday, yet she stays as well.

 

She loves him.

She wants him.

She wants to fight for him.

 

How is it that I am the one who comes off like the victimizer?

 

We were both lied to. We both made the same decision to stay. Try as people might, I just can not be made to feel that I am so completely inferior that I shouldn't fight for the man I love, despite the fact that it causes someone else pain. She is not willing to let him go FOR ME. Why should I just be willing to let him go FOR HER.

 

I did not ask to be a part of his life, he asked me to be.

 

I just don't know any way of wording what I mean any better to as explain my point of view.

 

I am a good person. I do have much compassion. To say otherwise is a falsehood. But I am also human....

 

Regardless of how things started, why do you have to fight for him?

 

I'm willing to bet that she KNEW about you, not that she KNOWS about you.

 

He's probably told her all manner of lies to prove that you are not in his life anymore.

 

Whether you empathize with her pain or not, you really need to see him as he is and not as you wish to see him. I see a man using HIS GRANDKIDS to stay with his W. His grandkids don't even live with him, more than likely.

 

I hope you take care to guard your heart.

[SummerLady]

MizFit, when I spoke to my husband's OW, I was extremely polite and kept calm. I asked if she loved her husband or mine and what she was planning to do next.

 

I also told her to remember that there are two sides to every story and that maybe my husband was not always completely honest with her.

 

She was very dismissive of me and showed very little respect but I remained friendly and by the end of the conversation she liked me.

 

Inside I was very sad and hurt but I did not want her to see that.

 

I know that you are going to be honest.

 

I knew the OW she was someone we use to work with. She was not what you would think. I know ego gets in the way but she was not attractive and fat.. I know this is not about looks but really? All I could think was couldn't you have picked someone half way good looking?? Part of it made me laugh, so when I talked to her I was like wow you are so the prize?? I laughed a bit. I have a warped sense of humor to begin with and for some reason it made sense to mock her a tad. It did not matter how she looked I knew that but at the time making light of it made sense. Plus she was fired from our work for harassing a married man so I was like wow you follow a pattern don't you? I called her husband and he said I was a liar. I said I had emails, bills and he did not want to see them, denial in the highest order, she cheated on him before per another co worker so at this point he must have thought nothing new... Looking back I am glad we talked, she called me by the way..Funny thing is after I dumped my ex he dumped her and that was that......

[Impudent Oyster]

 

She knows about me, we have had a Dday, yet she stays as well.

 

How is it that I am the one who comes off like the victimizer?

 

We were both lied to. We both made the same decision to stay. Try as people might, I just can not be made to feel that I am so completely inferior that I shouldn't fight for the man I love, despite the fact that it causes someone else pain. She is not willing to let him go FOR ME. Why should I just be willing to let him go FOR HER.

 

 

Are we talking about a child here? What do you mean she or you "won't let him go"...does he need anyone's permission?

 

He's still married because HE WANTS TO BE, not because his wife isn't "letting him go".

 

I don't understand how you can even say that you're not "letting him go", you don't "have" him, do you?

 

Does he live with you? Support you financially? Have children with you? Take you to family and business functions?

 

So how do you "have" him?

[Impudent Oyster]

Okay, FA. Thank you for answering this. I understand better now.

 

Basically, it sounds like you and the BW are going to fight over the same man. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to understand and I think you and I just have a different mindset about fighting for a man.

 

P

 

 

I would bet any amount of money that the BW is NOT fighting for him. I guarantee that she thinks he is through with fallen angel and he is groveling and begging her forgiveness.

 

No way on earth would a wife "fight" for her cheating husband if she knew he was still cheating. Not. A. Chance.

[Impudent Oyster]

I know some posters are shocked by what they are calling a lack of compassion and empathy towards the pain of another - another that they helped to cause the pain towards mind you - but I rather like the honesty.

 

 

I like it too.

 

I admit, the reason I never have and never would have an affair has nothing to do with me sparing some poor woman's feelings who I don't know from Adam and everything to do with MY self-respect, my integrity and my not wanting to "share" a man with anyone else and above all, the yuck factor in sleeping with someone only to send them home to another woman's bed is beyond creepy...I don't know how they do it.

 

It turns my stomach.

 

Plus the whole idea of fighting for some liar is sickening as well. I just don't get it.

Edited November 19, 2009 by Impudent Oyster

[White Flower]

I would bet any amount of money that the BW is NOT fighting for him. I guarantee that she thinks he is through with fallen angel and he is groveling and begging her forgiveness.

 

No way on earth would a wife "fight" for her cheating husband if she knew he was still cheating. Not. A. Chance.

You'd be surprised at how many people, husbands included, will fight for a cheating spouse.

[turnstone]

You'd be surprised at how many people, husbands included, will fight for a cheating spouse.

 

That's probably true, but I bet they only fight when they think the OW is out of the picture.

[Fallen Angel]

Letting him go to find out who he chooses? No, no, no...the only way he would choose the OW is if the BS kicked him to the curb!!

 

His W needs to make the choice. So far, she is choosing him. Maybe one day, she will wake up out of her dream world and realize her H is a piece of sh*t, but until that day happens, if it ever does, enjoy sharing the man you love so bl**dy much. Oh, and as you are reading this, they are making mad passionate love.

 

No, As I am reading this he just left my house to head to work after spending the night having dinner with me, washing the dishes with me, helping my son with his homework, play fighting with my daughters, and holding me all night as we slept. He left about 15 minutes ago, called me ten minutes ago to tell me that he loves me, and to remind me to take something out for dinner tonight, and wish me a nice day at work. But, Good try!

[Fallen Angel]

I would bet any amount of money that the BW is NOT fighting for him. I guarantee that she thinks he is through with fallen angel and he is groveling and begging her forgiveness.

 

No way on earth would a wife "fight" for her cheating husband if she knew he was still cheating. Not. A. Chance.

 

That is a bet you would lose.

[turnstone]

This MM screams 'controller' at me. Nearly everytime you write about him you give an example of this. Are you really this immature to need someone to remind you take something out for supper? I don't believe anyone is, but you do strike me as someone who doesn't know how to direct her own life.

[Fallen Angel]

This MM screams 'controller' at me. Nearly everytime you write about him you give an example of this. Are you really this immature to need someone to remind you take something out for supper? I don't believe anyone is, but you do strike me as someone who doesn't know how to direct her own life.

 

"Controller"? Because he knows I was rushing around getting the kids ready for school and may have forgotten to take out something for dinner? LMAO. Heaven forbid! What a horrible controlling thing to do.

 

Come on.. you do see how odd it is to think that is in any way controlling, right? He just knows me, I have a touch of ADHD sometimes, and my house gets hectic in the mornings, so I have been known more than once to forget to defrost something. If he had called his W instead to remind her of something like that, would you have seen that as controlling her? Doubtful. It is just one of those little loving things people in relationships do. Like me reminding him to lock his truck at night and set his alarm.

[turnstone]

As I said, that's just the latest in a list of things you've said about him. And yeah, I'd see it as controlling because its not just this, but added to all the other things you've written about. And no, its not something you do in a loving relationship. In a loving relationship you can trust the other person to be an adult and do the right thing.

 

Reminding a fully grown man to lock his truck and set his alarm? Do you remind each other to wipe too?