Impudent Oyster Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Any advice from BS on what I tell his W? The truth is always nice.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 He's the manager of an oil rig in the North Sea...it's a 2 week rotation and if you're there you don't leave unless it's a death or something very close to... Bit of an updae...they've been in contact and he is going to try and work it out with her. He rang to tell me and apologize and thank me...it got quite emotional a few times, but at the end of the day he's doing what he needs to and maybe it'll work or them. Of course the last comment he made was asking if he could call tomorrow night. He also said something about if things don't work out in 9 months. I thought, here we go... I'm horribly sad that it's worked this way...I never thought I'd fall in love like this again. As I said to him...make it work so all of my hurt isn't in vain. I also let him know that in light of this I will not be speaking with her. If she shows up then I'll be as polite as she is, but if she's gunning for a verbal sparring match I will beat her. Thanks all...appreciate the support. Two questions. Did you know he was married? Why now, only because he is trying to repair his marriage do you feel like you no longer owe her an explanation for intruding in her marriage? Spite? You'll only talk to her if things went your way? If you've got the balls to sleep with a MM then at least have the balls to face the wife whose marriage you intruded upon, otherwise, stick with single men and you won't have these messy confrontations to contend with.
Author MizFit Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Two questions. Did you know he was married? Why now, only because he is trying to repair his marriage do you feel like you no longer owe her an explanation for intruding in her marriage? Spite? You'll only talk to her if things went your way? If you've got the balls to sleep with a MM then at least have the balls to face the wife whose marriage you intruded upon, otherwise, stick with single men and you won't have these messy confrontations to contend with. Meeeoooowwwww....bowl of milk IO? Yes I did know he was married, but know what...I wasn't. He made a vow to her, and to God, 30 years ago...I didn't. I don't owe her an explanation-I don't owe her anything...if she asks for one I'll give it to her. When I wrote the OP I wasn't sure if I should tell everything or just what she queries if she confronts me. I didn't intrude upon a marriage. I was invited. She left a huge hole in the marriage and they both were lackadaisical in their desire to fix anything...she blindly went on thinking a sexual and virile man would be happy to have sex once a month and he blindly went on thinking if he could take care of that one issue the rest of the marriage would work. Guess what...they were both wrong. Balls...darling...I had the balls to send a cheating husband packing when I was 26...I have no problem at all facing a woman scorned. Single men...tell you what. Go onto a dating site sometime and start meeting some of these so called single men. The ones who don't give you a home phone number or tell you to call their mobile only during business hours...the ones who are playing at being single to get a leg over and then move on. In the last year I've met (from dating sites) 23 men...of them 18 were married or attached and never came clean until I was either sat face to face with them and asked them, or we were on date 3 or 4. Talk to a single woman (probably man too) about how single the men really are out there. My MM was going to have an affair...if it wasn't me it would have been the next or the next or the next. He had a hole and he thought this was the way to fill it (no pun intended)...it doesn't matter if it was me or whoever. If a drunk driver gets into a car and kills a child walking across the street does it matter if it's a Ford or a Nissan? No...it matters that the driver made a stupid choice and was going to go from car to car until he had one. The damage would have been the same. 1
Author MizFit Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 The truth is always nice. How convenient to pick one line from all I've written...as you may, or may not have bothered, to read I took the decision to tell the truth if she does pay a call to me.
Author MizFit Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Thanks jj22 and Fooled...we had a heart to heart last night and he's told me he's going to do the right thing-finally. I gave him a few 'I told you so's'...we shed some tears. He's on an oil platform for just under 2 weeks and I have no way of contacting him...his time to contact me would be limited so the very circumstance is going to be conducive to virtually none. I'm hoping I have the strength right now to keep it to none. I'm hoping that in the 2 weeks the strength of the habits have been weakened and my resolve has strengthened. In our conversation I told him the next time I see him is with divorce papers in his hands and a fully lived in house or flat to show me. I told him to make sure his marriage came through because all of this hurt, which he could have avoided, should bring something good to someone. Wish me luck all...tears have been flowing a bit today, but my friends are rallying and Tesco just got in a fresh delivery of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough...I'm sorted. Having said that...in 3 days I've lost 5 pounds...tough diet though!
Fallen Angel Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Oh Miz, (((HUGS HUGS and more HUGS for you))) I am so sorry for all you are going through. You are a strong, smart woman. I have faith that you will come out of the other end of this tunnel just fine, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Remember, we are here, and most of us luv ya!!!
Author MizFit Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Awww...thanks FA. It hurts like Hell, but I do have to say there is a bit of me that feels some relief and some peace. I know my emotions will be all over the place for quite a while, but hopefully the bits of clarity that come shining thru will help out a little. It's tough though...goes back to a conversation I had with a friend when I was taking the decision to stay with him-is it better to have part of a life with someone you adore or no life with them at all? I can honestly say if I had the chance to go back in time I'd still do it...ask me during one of my darker moments and it may be a different answer! Thanks for the encouragement and kind words...xx
Impudent Oyster Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Meeeoooowwwww....bowl of milk IO? Yes I did know he was married, but know what...I wasn't. He made a vow to her, and to God, 30 years ago...I didn't. So you don't think there is anything wrong with sleeping with a MM? I assume then that everyone knew your "boyfriend" was married and you introduced him to your family. I didn't intrude upon a marriage. I was invited. Not by his wife you weren't, and she is 50% of that marriage. Unless she agreed to her husband's affair with you, you most certainly were NOT invited. She left a huge hole in the marriage How do you know that SHE left a "huge hole" in the marriage? Because he told you? she blindly went on thinking a sexual and virile man would be happy to have sex once a month Again, how do you know how often they had sex, because he told you? You have NO WAY of knowing unless you are in their bedroom, and even if the above is true, how is it your business? Is it your job to pick up the slack and fill in the "holes" in other people's relationships? Where is your diginity? Balls...darling...I had the balls to send a cheating husband packing when I was 26... So what, 26 is too young to be married for most people, you were just correcting a mistake. Single men...tell you what. Go onto a dating site sometime and start meeting some of these so called single men. I would never go on a dating site to meet a man. What did people do before the internet? I meet nice men every day, a lot of them single, I don't know why it's so difficult for some women. Are you implying that you have no choice but to date married men because there aren't any single men? I feel sorry for women who have such limited options. If a drunk driver gets into a car and kills a child walking across the street does it matter if it's a Ford or a Nissan? If you really want to use such an absurd analogy, I'll go along with it. It doesn't matter whether it's a Ford or Nissan but the bartender who served the drunk driver is just as culpable and will be prosecuted. Why can't people accept responsibility for their choices? No one forced you to date a married man. I simply don't see how someone can knowingly enter into an EMA then be surprised or hurt when it ends and they are left out. 1
Author MizFit Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 So you don't think there is anything wrong with sleeping with a MM? I assume then that everyone knew your "boyfriend" was married and you introduced him to your family. This is the first married man I've slept with in my life...I was 46 when we started. I've hardly made a lifelong statement that it's 'ok'. Is it ok for ME to sleep with a married man...yes. Is it ok for a married man to sleep with anyone but his wife...no. My family lives in the States and I live in England...they didn't even know of his existence. My friends knew he was married. If my family were here I would have told them the truth. Sooo...if I was invited to my bosses personal Christmas party I'm not really invited unless i get one from his wife as well? Anyone that brings someone somewhere at their request is inviting them in. It was his choice to hide anything at all from his wife. [quote name=How do you know that SHE left a "huge hole" in the marriage? Because he told you? [/quote] Yes...he spoke highly of her as a person, mother, wife, friend and things were fine in their 30 year marriage until what had been slow basically stopped he made the decision to look for what was missing rather than deal with it. See above...it's my business because he made it my business. If you have a friend whose microwave died and you bought one for her does that make you someone who buys microwaves for the whole world. Talk about absurd analogies...yours was right up there. My dignity is right beside my self esteem and they're both riding pretty high... Huh...what on earth are you asking? I had a husband who cheated and I kicked him into touch. No idea what you're on about. Lucky you...I work in an industry where I work primarily alone and my environment is anything but target rich. I don't frequent bars and night clubs and most of my personal activities happen to have more women in them than men. Consider yourself lucky you're one of the 39 women in the free world that doesn't need to venture onto dating sites. Tell you what...why you don't you write a book about all the ways you can meet men without sites...you'll make a fortune. Nope...I have plenty of choice...that's why I have dated 1 in my entire lifetime. I feel sorry for women who act so holier than thou...you want to tread carefully with your judgemental words. I had a father that cheated on my mother 5 times...my husband cheated on me...I swore up and down right to the day I met my MM that I'd never date a MM. Whether you decide to believe it or not, sometimes it just happens. So the restaurant we met at should be sued? I am...I went out with a married man. It ended...I have no responsibility. He is the one who was married...he is the one who cheated. And just to let you know...when I was the BS I did not blame the OW-she owed me nothing. I'm not surprised it ended...if you bothered to read the thread you'd see he was clear he'd never leave home and he's stayed true to that. Hurt...yes...why wouldn't I be. I love him...I got hurt when my neighbors dog died so why wouldn't I be hurt to lose someone I love no matter what the circumstances?
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I didn't intrude upon a marriage. I was invited. She left a huge hole in the marriage and they both were lackadaisical in their desire to fix anything...she blindly went on thinking a sexual and virile man would be happy to have sex once a month and he blindly went on thinking if he could take care of that one issue the rest of the marriage would work. Guess what...they were both wrong. You need to own your part in this. Seems you're very quick to blame his wife for the demise of their marriage, their problems and his choice to betray her in the worst way. Your MM's sh.it DOES stink ya know. He isn't the sweet innocent man he's made himself out to be, perfect husband and all. This guy is just like every other selfish MM who is just in it for himself. Sorry you are hurting, but Miz, you have to take responsibility for your part in this. Yes, you were not the cause of the problems in their marriage, but helping him cheat on her, has made it worse so you have affected their marriage to a point.
NoIDidn't Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 He made a vow to her, and to God, 30 years ago...I didn't. LOL. I sure hope you aren't in politics. Treaties be damned! LOL. My MM was going to have an affair...if it wasn't me it would have been the next or the next or the next. He had a hole and he thought this was the way to fill it (no pun intended)...it doesn't matter if it was me or whoever. Do you really feel that you could have been just anyone? That there was nothing special about why he chose you to cheat with him instead of someone else? I'm sorry, but that makes the whole thing just sound so cheap. As if, you were just the first "yes" to his desires. I hope you don't really feel this way. I couldn't deal with thinking that *I* could have been *anyone* because *I* am ME and that should mean something to anyone that I am with, IMO. 1
fooled once Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Miz ((hug)) how are you doign today? How was the icecream Tesco just got in a fresh delivery of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough... I hope today you are feeling a little bit stronger, a little less weepy and a little more better about things. ((((((hugs))))))
Author MizFit Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 LOL. I sure hope you aren't in politics. Treaties be damned! LOL. Do you really feel that you could have been just anyone? That there was nothing special about why he chose you to cheat with him instead of someone else? I'm sorry, but that makes the whole thing just sound so cheap. As if, you were just the first "yes" to his desires. I hope you don't really feel this way. I couldn't deal with thinking that *I* could have been *anyone* because *I* am ME and that should mean something to anyone that I am with, IMO. I'm not in politics...nor am I in religion, but I wasn't in attendance and standing with them taking vows with them...he went outside the marriage. Yes I do feel that he would have had an affair as soon as he found someone he was comfortable with and happy with. Do I feel that they would have developed into what we did...probably not. Why do I feel that way...because people date many people and have all levels of interest. Very few turn into love...some never make it past courteous friendship. He wasn't looking for an emotional entanglement...we met and it happened. If we hadn't met he could easily have found someone who was looking for something similar to what he was and it probably wouldn't have escalated. I disagree with your opinion...I don't fall in love with everyone I date, but I continue to date until I do fall in love. He would have continued to look for someone until he had found someone he was comfortable with.
Author MizFit Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 You need to own your part in this. Seems you're very quick to blame his wife for the demise of their marriage, their problems and his choice to betray her in the worst way. Your MM's sh.it DOES stink ya know. He isn't the sweet innocent man he's made himself out to be, perfect husband and all. This guy is just like every other selfish MM who is just in it for himself. Sorry you are hurting, but Miz, you have to take responsibility for your part in this. Yes, you were not the cause of the problems in their marriage, but helping him cheat on her, has made it worse so you have affected their marriage to a point. I do own my part in this...I fell in love with a married man. I don't feel guilty about it...and I also don't recall blaming her for it. I believe I was listing things that happened and his reaction to it. His reaction was what was blameworthy...he should have been more forthright addressing issues in the marriage, as she should have been. If they had concentrated on things rather than buried them and ignored them then he may not have taken the decision he did. You're right he was in it for sex...he made no bones about it. He never made me promises...he never ever decided to act on the stupidity of what he was doing and what it would do to her. He was absolutely selfish and he admitted it. Now that Dday has come and gone he realizes what his actions did...to all 3 of us. I just hope they take the problems they've neglected and find a way to fix them. The husband affected the marriage. He made a decision to cheat on his wife and he did. His betrayal hurt his wife and caused the pain...I could theoretically have been a parade of call girls...if I were, would we be chastising them about what they had collecively done to the marriage? No because he cheated and it didn't matter with whom because there was not 1 specific person...but he cheated and the damage was done by him alone. You'll not get me to feel guilty or change my mind about this. I was a BS and I did not attribute the issues to the OW...my husband cheated on me...no one else. I feel the same as an OW...her husband cheated on her...no one else.
jj33 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Miz you dont have to defend yourself to anyone. But you do need to step back. He got caught and now its up to him how he is going to handle it. Of course it hurts. You invested emotionally in this man and before the relatinoship had a natural ending (because one of you wanted to end it) it may have been ripped away from you. And that hurts. Take good care
Author MizFit Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Miz ((hug)) how are you doign today? How was the icecream I hope today you are feeling a little bit stronger, a little less weepy and a little more better about things. ((((((hugs)))))) Thanks so much FO...last night we planned to have the final talk tonight and it's just ended. We're both strongly in agreement that he go away and give 100% to his marriage, as he should have done a few years ago. We were both in tears and saying I love you right to the end...I asked if they were going to go to MC and he said he'd brought it up, but she decided not to. I told him that if she didn't go he should pursue IC at the very least...do everything he can so if it fails he knows he's not missed a beat. If either one of them makes the choice not to participate in the healing processes they are potentially adding to the end. The saddest thing is sitting here now thinking of all the things I'd loved to say to him. I'll say the most important one here and now...I've had a personal issue and this time of year is very difficult because of it. He supported me and helped guide me through some very distressing moments...I wish I'd said 'thank you'... Good luck Trevor...I adore you and cherish every memory. If someone offered me the chance to go back and change it so I wouldn't feel the way I do at this moment I'd refuse. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance... xxxx
Dexter Morgan Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Any advice from BS on what I tell his W? what can you tell her? "I was #$%&*^ your husband.....sorry":o If she does confront you, just answer her question without any inkling of smugness. At least have that much respect for her not to rub it in her face. answering her questions truthfull is all you can do. and don't tell her you are sorry, because you really are not. unless you go against the grain of alot of OW/OM here and say that you actually do owe the BS decency and are remorseful. many here are not.
NoIDidn't Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I'm not in politics...nor am I in religion, but I wasn't in attendance and standing with them taking vows with them...he went outside the marriage. I wasn't expecting an answer to a laugh, but oh well. LOL. JJ33 said you don't have to defend yourself. And she is right. I wasn't expecting a defense. Using "I wasn't there when they signed that treaty" is hardly a defensible position. Which is why I was laughing, out loud, at that. LOL. Yes I do feel that he would have had an affair as soon as he found someone he was comfortable with and happy with. Do I feel that they would have developed into what we did...probably not. Why do I feel that way...because people date many people and have all levels of interest. Very few turn into love...some never make it past courteous friendship. He wasn't looking for an emotional entanglement...we met and it happened. If we hadn't met he could easily have found someone who was looking for something similar to what he was and it probably wouldn't have escalated. I disagree with your opinion...I don't fall in love with everyone I date, but I continue to date until I do fall in love. He would have continued to look for someone until he had found someone he was comfortable with. I think you missed my point entirely. The people that I have dated, have dated me for ME. We didn't fall into something, we ENTERED purposefully into something. That's all I am saying. I would hate to feel that I could have been anyone to them, when I am ME. I didn't fall in love with everyone that I have dated either. But I wasn't some "anyone" to them. They wanted to get to know ME. Miz you dont have to defend yourself to anyone. But you do need to step back. He got caught and now its up to him how he is going to handle it. Of course it hurts. You invested emotionally in this man and before the relatinoship had a natural ending (because one of you wanted to end it) it may have been ripped away from you. And that hurts. Take good care I am totally agreeing with her not defending herself. I didn't expect her to. Maybe because I am not knee deep in pain over the ending of an affair, I'm just not sensitive enough to know that she wasn't going to find my quip funny? I dunno. I don't understand the "lacks a natural ending" rationale. It also lacks a natural beginning too, but that seems to be an afterthought following a d-day, IMO. Either way, I hope the OP feels better about her ending. He has said that he is going to work on his marraige (surprise, surprise - he may be back), so I guess that means he wants the affair over for now.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Miz you dont have to defend yourself to anyone. thats right!!! she doesn't need to treat anyone with respect or decency whatsoever:rolleyes: so with that, as a matter of fact, why don't you take this from JJ here, and tell the BS to go to hell and tell her, "i don't owe you anything and can sleep with your H if I like!" see how that goes for you. JJ, are you for real?? If a BS has questions, don't you think answering them and telling her the truth is the LEAST thing and maybe the only decent thing she can do?
Author MizFit Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 thats right!!! she doesn't need to treat anyone with respect or decency whatsoever:rolleyes: so with that, as a matter of fact, why don't you take this from JJ here, and tell the BS to go to hell and tell her, "i don't owe you anything and can sleep with your H if I like!" see how that goes for you. JJ, are you for real?? If a BS has questions, don't you think answering them and telling her the truth is the LEAST thing and maybe the only decent thing she can do? Hey Dexter...I wasn't treating her in any way, shape or form. Her husband was. I don't owe her anything and if her husband was seeking me and I cared about him and had a relationship with him I would sleep with him when I wanted to. Why would I go up to her and tell her that? There was a set of circumstances and I agreed to them...he was married and I agreed to be discreet. Not rocket science. If I had remotely thought he would ever leave her I would have happily volunteered to have a talk with her...he was clear he would not leave home and her knowing would only happen if he was caught. Just exactly what did happen.
Author MizFit Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 I wasn't expecting an answer to a laugh, but oh well. LOL. JJ33 said you don't have to defend yourself. And she is right. I wasn't expecting a defense. Using "I wasn't there when they signed that treaty" is hardly a defensible position. Which is why I was laughing, out loud, at that. LOL. I think you missed my point entirely. The people that I have dated, have dated me for ME. We didn't fall into something, we ENTERED purposefully into something. That's all I am saying. I would hate to feel that I could have been anyone to them, when I am ME. I didn't fall in love with everyone that I have dated either. But I wasn't some "anyone" to them. They wanted to get to know ME. I am totally agreeing with her not defending herself. I didn't expect her to. Maybe because I am not knee deep in pain over the ending of an affair, I'm just not sensitive enough to know that she wasn't going to find my quip funny? I dunno. I don't understand the "lacks a natural ending" rationale. It also lacks a natural beginning too, but that seems to be an afterthought following a d-day, IMO. Either way, I hope the OP feels better about her ending. He has said that he is going to work on his marraige (surprise, surprise - he may be back), so I guess that means he wants the affair over for now. Your LOL was dripping with venom so I thought it was appropriate to respond...you may not agree about who actually got married that day-your choice. We disagree and you obviously are a pretty rigid character...you tend not to even think anyone has the right to another opinion, let alone actually try and understand a perspsective. I think YOU misunderstood my point...he was looking to have an affair to enhance a sex life that was nonexistent. He was looking for someone specifically, just as people who date do. He met several and moved on...if he had moved on from me he would have searched till he found someone he could enjoy that time with...kind of like, oh yeah-dating. Yes he may be back...if it's not done properly and it doesn't work he may be back. I could always just turn him away if he's divorced and have him go live the rest of his days alone rather than see if we could build something-thats assuming I'm single if and when he'd divorced. Yeah, that sounds sooooo much better. The world has no guarantees...they may fix it and they may not. I have no idea...I only know that he's off to give it his all and either live his life in the marriage if it's fixed or to give it his all and know if he walks away he did all he could. See...not that unreasonable...
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I don't owe her anything and if her husband was seeking me and I cared about him and had a relationship with him I would sleep with him when I wanted to. Would you do this to a friends husband? Fool around or have sex with him, have an affair with him? Or would you feel some sort of loyality to your friend and ignore her H even if you were attracted to him..
Impudent Oyster Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I don't owe her anything and if her husband was seeking me and I cared about him and had a relationship with him I would sleep with him when I wanted to. The sheer selfishness of this statement is astounding to me. Simply astounding. Have you any conscience?
Impudent Oyster Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I think YOU misunderstood my point...he was looking to have an affair to enhance a sex life that was nonexistent. He was looking for someone specifically, just as people who date do. He met several and moved on...if he had moved on from me he would have searched till he found someone he could enjoy that time with...kind of like, oh yeah-dating. Yes, just like dating, except that he is MARRIED and has a WIFE. Is it me or have I entered some kind of alternate universe where people act like it's perfectly reasonable to date a married man? Seriously, when do I wake up?
jj33 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 thats right!!! she doesn't need to treat anyone with respect or decency whatsoever:rolleyes: so with that, as a matter of fact, why don't you take this from JJ here, and tell the BS to go to hell and tell her, "i don't owe you anything and can sleep with your H if I like!" see how that goes for you. JJ, are you for real?? If a BS has questions, don't you think answering them and telling her the truth is the LEAST thing and maybe the only decent thing she can do? I meant she doesnt have to defend herself to anyone on this board. She is in pain and she is here looking for support. Not to be crucified.
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