Promiscuous Boyfriend!

[Boundary Problem]

Btw I am surprised that you refer to yourself as a feminist, and then make the comment about the wife being proud of 'satisfying such a man'. You seriously believe that is a cool and different perspective?

 

 

That is my point. This is about ego.

 

I'm the ultimate female and I have tamed the 'sexual god'. Regular guys are boring. They meet expectations.

 

 

Problem is this 'sexual god' is a 'kid'. He doesn't yet have the maturity to outgrow this dependence on female attention. Therein lies the oncoming train wreck.

 

Your love cannot turn him into a different man than he is. Only he can decide who and what he wants to be, taking into account his demons within.

[loadofhoopla]

I definitely can see where both of you are coming from in reading what I have posted before. And as for cheating, there is no way in hell that I would not find out somehow, somewhere down the line. If that were the case I would get the **** out immediately, ego or not. If we broke up because of something like that I would honestly feel bad for him-it would be his loss, for sure. I would much rather be single for the rest of my life then put up with someone who would disrespect me enough to go behind my back for any reason. I may not have shown it in my previous posts, but I am definitely not the quiet, demure type. Let me explain a bit why I think I am so insecure...

 

I dated my ex-boyfriend for almost three years, and we lived together for a year and a half of it. I had to move to go to law school-I go to school in an extremely small town where there was no work for him so he couldn't move with me. The distance killed us and we broke up within a month. There was no doubt in either of our minds at the time that we were going to be together in the long run. He treated me like gold and never made me feel bad or insecure, just loved and protected. We talked until March trying to make it work out but by that time there were too many hurt feelings and it was too much emotion. I made so many mistakes with him, until the time we broke up he treated me so well and often I was mean or used him as a punching bag when I was having a bad day or time. (not literal!)

After we broke up I would do anything to see him-I didn't have a car at the time so I would borrow friend's. We would sleep together, he would hold me, I would spend a weekend or so with him and then the second I got back to school he would tell me it was too hard and he didn't want to be with me anymore. He hurt me like no one else could. The pain that I still have from last year is immense. I found out I knew what love is because I would have done anything for him, especially if it would make him happy. It would have been ok if he found someone else because that would have meant that he was happy. I loved him and he just hurt me again and again, called me derogatory names, and was unnecessarily cruel. We had a pregnancy scare around Jan last year-I didn't have my period for almost three months, and he picked me up and we went to the doctor's where we found out it was only because I was so stressed-first year law school and a break up with the love of my life who would switch off from telling me he loves me to telling me being with me was a waste of his time were enough I guess. Picking me up and the night before going to the doctor's my ex held me and was so sweet; the second we found out I wasn't pregnant he completely changed and was once again cruel to me. To anyone reading this, please don't ever stomp on someone's heart, for any reason. Life is cruel enough, we don't need to be walking around with emotional scars from someone that we simply cared about. It was by far the most devastating, hardest year of my life.

 

My boyfriend now was the first man that I was even remotely attracted to-I had gone out on dates various times through the year with about 5 or 6 guys who asked me, trying to get my mind off of the first guy-nothing worked. The beginning of my relationship with my now boyfriend was like a dream-he was everything my first boyfriend was not and I was so happy like I had not been in probably almost a year. I didn't want to go anywhere near my hometown I was still devastated over my ex and my now boyfriend really wanted me to move in with him so after about a month of dating I did for the summer. He would have moved back with me to school but for reasons too long to mention right now hes been at school here for 7 years and just graduated with a degree in May. The town is tiny and he hates it because of a lot of bad memories that it has for him(none of them girl-related).

 

He is difficult, but he is honest, and I am not a stupid person. I am one of the most guarded people, especially after getting my heart ripped out so recently. I trust him and I love him. I am not blind. I know that without a doubt it is possible for me to get hurt again. But when something bothers me we talk about it. And he is always willing to hear what I have to say. Sometimes it is just hard to get him to understand it because like I said, his background is different than mine. He doesn't treat me like **** because if he did I would get the hell out. He has three younger sisters that he loves and who love him.

 

Where he grew up everyone kind of has that attitude-It's weird but I am serious, his mom, his friend's moms, his friends, their girlfriends. No one is mean to women by any means, but its like an air of moral decrepitude that I am not used to. All of the men sleep around and are the more dominant ones in the relationships. I guess that is not exactly fair because a lot of the women there sleep around too. But if their number is getting high they are considered 'sluts', a derogatory term usually addressed to women, that I hate. It's weird and I don't buy in to that.

 

If anything were to get too bad or if I am that worried about my relationship, then I am out, pure and simple. My life is too short to waste spending it on someone who is going to treat me like **** and then live off of my hard work. I am extremely independent, and like I said I have no problem being single. I have really fallen for my boyfriend and he would not do anything to consciously try and hurt me. He really just doesn't understand when things are hard for me with seeing his ex-gfs or ex-hookups. But he is always willing to listen, etc. I wrote on here because I would like some advice on how other women handle seeing the ex's, especially when they have to every day like in my situation.

[Boundary Problem]

loadofhoopla,

 

I'm so glad you came back and our b-tching didn't scare you away.

 

Just looking out for the best for you.

 

I like the sound of the ex-boyfriend. He only hurt you emotionally when you were hurting him. I'm not excusing his behaviour, but I can understand it. When the pregnancy scare was over he withdrew in anticipation of you leaving him to go to school. But if he can't deal with your career I suppose that is a huge problem. Working part-time is always an option once you are established.

 

This current boyfriend? Keep him in a compartment so you can stay afloat in the event there is structural failure. You don't want to lose a year of lawschool in the event he breaks your heart.

 

I wish you all the best and good luck in your upcoming exams!

[Ody]

I wish I could stop picturing them having sex with him.

Any suggestions on how to do this? I really want our relationship to grow, he means so much to me. Aside from his past sexual history he is everything that I have ever wanted.

 

It sounds like you both have things to work on.

 

It is a little strange that your BF is still friends with so many of the women he slept with. It's one thing to be friends with a few of them - maybe the high school sweetheart or a few old friends - but most of them? Not so much. Many guys (and girls!) try to keep old flames on the hook, in case they find themselves single or whatever and want to hookup. Personally, if I am in a LTR I jettison all those acquaintances because really the temptation and availability is not healthy for an LTR, and I feel you should make the LTR a priority.

 

However that doesn't mean he's cheating or anything. It took me a while to realize that those other chicks hanging around are an unhealthy distraction and maybe he just hasn't learned this yet. Seven months might be a little too early but very soon you will reach the point where I think it's reasonable to expect (and gently suggest) that he lose some of this detritus.

 

However until you work on your jealousy issues, you can't have that discussion. If you still can't get the graphic idea of him sleeping with his ex'es out of your head, you won't be able to have that conversation in a constructive fashion.

 

If I were you I'd still use condoms in this situation, given that he has these chicks buzzing around and is two hours away. It probably means nothing, but just in case...

[torranceshipman]

You sound like a sweet girl, and he's lucky to have you...but I think that his behavior would make any girl insecure! I don't think you are especially insecure-its more the circumstances that are currently surrounding you that are making you feel that way. I'd talk to him about it again, if I were you...

[loadofhoopla]

Thanks all of you, I appreciate the support and advice. I am visiting him right now, and sometimes it is really hard to be around him because he can be kind of verbally abusive-he has a really bad temper. I love him and I know he loves me but sometimes when everything is my fault it just gets to me. I haven't even had a chance to bring up my concerns with other women and him still talking to them. Ugh, relationships lol.

[Boundary Problem]

sometimes it is really hard to be around him because he can be kind of verbally abusive-he has a really bad temper.

 

Hi loadofhoopla,

 

Glad you came back.

 

Try reading up on narcissism. (and codependence). Everyone thinks it is people who look in the mirror too much. It has nothing to do with physical mirrors.

 

In the Marriage forum there is a poignant series of posts/letters by "Athena" to/from her narcissistic husband. I can't speak for her obviously, but her pain is evident in every post.

[Ash20]

Well, loadofhoopla I can definitely relate. My bf likes attention from girls too. Whenever we are around a bunch of people, he mainly talks to the girls. The last time we were around a big group of people he didn't really say one word to the guys, except his roommate. He talked to the girls. Like you believe of your bf, I think he's insecure and likes the attention...like it validates his importance in society or something. Anyway, I can also have trouble dealing with this fact. And his most recent ex is kind of like the girl you go to school with. My bf's ex doesn't want to be with my bf, but she really eats up the attention she gets from him, and whenever he stops giving her as much attention, she threatens to end the friendship because she knows when she does that, he'll come running back to give her more attention, and it's pathetic and it bothers me. Since I told him how I feel about it, he doesn't talk to her or hang out with her as much, but he won't stop talking to her completely. So, I guess I'm still trying to figure that part out. I really hate thinking about other girls too and how they can have such an influence a lot of times. But I agree with The Lone Shock, it pretty much boils down to either accepting it, or leaving. I'm trying my best to accept things right now, and see where that goes, and I know they will become at least a little more mature the older they get. For instance, my one guy friend was a real hot head in his younger days, but then he calmed down by age 24 or 25, and now he such a nice, dependable guy. So, if you want, also maybe try giving your bf a little less attention. Not to the point of really pushing him away, but if you give him a little less of your attention, he'll probably miss it and start worrying more about you rather than getting distracted by these other girls. If he really cares about you, he'll definitely come back for your attention.

 

I would also like to add, due to Boundary Problem's comment, that although, my treasure/whore thing doesn't have a steal foundation, it helps to make you feel better and not go insane about the situation. I was very paranoid at one point and did watch my bf like a hawk. Trust me, nothing good can come of it. It'll just drive you insane and make you more paranoid. Trust your instincts. Trust him or don't. Like Lone Shock said, give him the benefit of the doubt unless he gives you a reason not to trust him. I hope you are at least feeling a little better about the situation!

Edited November 15, 2009 by Ash20

[VeveCakes]

Thanks all of you, I appreciate the support and advice. I am visiting him right now, and sometimes it is really hard to be around him because he can be kind of verbally abusive-he has a really bad temper. I love him and I know he loves me but sometimes when everything is my fault it just gets to me.

 

 

Ok, been there, done that....luckily got OUT.

 

When it is always your fault and they have a bad temper - it will only get WORSE.

 

I'm sorry sleeping with loads of people is one thing, but why do you have to hang out with them all the time...he isn't single, and it isn't appropriate. I had an ex who loved to stay friends with all his ex's. I tried to be cool about it...but after we broke up I realized he does it because they were all still into him. He loved being able to have all these women pinning over him and boosting his ego.

 

If you want help about the jealousy I suggest seeking counselling. However, your boyfriend does have a duty to help you feel good about your place as girlfriend and clearly isn't doing a good job. Just talk to him and let him know what makes you uncomfortable. If he isn't wanting to help build trust between you two it's a major problem.

[loadofhoopla]

Yeah, I hear what you all are saying. The thing is I know that he doesn't have a thing for any other girls. He loves me, it's just really hard because he isn't a sensitive person. This past weekend I visited him and we got into a huge fight because last time we went out together some guy came right between us and hit on me and then later that night someone else hit on me right in front of my boyfriend. Not my fault, we both said that, but I could tell it hurt his feelings. Saturday morning things were still kind of awkward between us and I looked at his texts-STUPID! I know, privacy is privacy. There were texts from a couple of days ago from an ex that he dated about two years before. She was just seeing how he was doing, and they had a nice chit chat before he told her that he had a "lady friend" in law school and things were going well. I realize, the difference in term is not such a big deal, however it does show me a little something in how he talks about me when I am not there. Also I guess she sent him a facebook message that he never responded to. We argued about it all day, and once again he said that I just need to get over it. I've come to the point where I really do. When I brought up potential trust issues, and the fact that he cheated on his gf 3 times he was outraged-he was 19 years old, and I knew it since I met him! He is right in that, and the way he reacted shows me that he really does love me, and never had any intention of cheating. I love him so much, I really do. Sunday was good and I had to leave Sunday afternoon but things are still so awkward. I guess a long distance relationship really is like a trial by fire. Only the strong survive haha. I just think that if I were in a bigger town and if it weren't law school and I had time to hang out and relax things would be much easier.

[loadofhoopla]

Also, in response to Veve. You are right about his verbal abuse and anger issues. I am not dealing with that. We talked a lot about it this weekend. He has a really hard time controlling himself when he gets angry and we tried to think of things that could help. I don't know, we'll see how it goes. Thanks for all the support:)

[VeveCakes]

Also, in response to Veve. You are right about his verbal abuse and anger issues. I am not dealing with that. We talked a lot about it this weekend. He has a really hard time controlling himself when he gets angry and we tried to think of things that could help. I don't know, we'll see how it goes. Thanks for all the support:)

 

Hey the fact that he admitted he has a problem (he did right?) is a good sign. When they deny it then it gets scary.

[loadofhoopla]

Yeah, that is definitely a good sign. Long distance relationships suck big time. I don't want to change him-I don't think it is fair being in a relationship where you expect your partner to change in any way; however I would love for him to be more conscientious and sensitive towards me. In better news, I have been making progress towards not thinking about him and ex's. After I found those texts from his ex-gf and we talked it out I started to realize a lot of stuff that I would get hurt or pissed about I was just imagining in my head. Still, he should have told me. Also, Ash it sucks that you are going through the same thing that I am. When you love your partner and know he loves you, you would hope that he would mature up and be the man you need and want him to be. Sometimes I guess it just isn't that easy! Oh well, keep me posted on your situation, and if you ever want to talk about it let me know!

[dazzle22]

Bingo- I thing "Boundary Problem" has NAILED this one out of the park!! I was thinking the same thing. What is wrong here? This woman is gorgeous, there must be many men chasing her, and she's with a guy who is all about...that girl likes, me, that girl I could have fallen for, that girl I had sex with, they all still want me...I'm so experienced...on and on. He is a NARCISSIST!

 

He should be saying how lucky he is that a man ho like him has got a gem like you!

 

I hope you really take to heart what some people are saying on this thread! You sound like a really great girl and he sounds full of himself. Why are you attracted to him? Was your father narcissistic? I'm not being mean, I am totally serious. I have had a problem with the same thing because of my family and we tend to gravitate to situations and people that are familiar to us in some way...

[loadofhoopla]

Honestly, some days I don't know. I love him because he is hilarious, and intelligent, and very good-looking. His family loves him and he would do anything for them. The thing with other women is infuriating, and it makes me question what I am doing here. At the same time, when I question him I can tell it takes him farther away from me. I don't want that.

 

A couple of weeks ago I found some texts from an ex-gf on his phone-he answered, they were friendly, and she definitely knows he has a girlfriend. But she said she sent him a facebook message that he apparantly didn't reply to-I read it and she signed it with a nickname that he obviously had for her...the substance of the message was flighty, nothing much. Then a couple of days ago, she wrote on his facebook wall, saying that she was just stalking it and saw something and made a comment about it. WTF! I am an extremely logical person and I realize that the majority of women would not be still after a guy with a girlfriend unless he gave her reason to. However, we talked about it, and it seems to me like she is really that pathetic. From her end, it is a complete lack of disrespect for me.

 

My boyfriend is the lead singer in a band that is playing this Friday and there are going to be a lot of women there that he has hooked up with. His sister's best friend who gave him a blow-job and they considered dating each other, included. She is absolutely gorgeous. I am going to try to be strong and do my best to be supportive, but I have finals all this week and next, I am not going to be able to drink there, and I am sick of having to feel like I am competing with other women for everything that has to do with my boyfriend. And when I think about it, as much as I want to fully blame him, he really does have a lot of women after him. Like I said, great personality, etc. I guess it's just going to have to be something that I deal with.