kickintheaz Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 hey all posted previously on Why did I do it 10 steps fwd 3 back... well, life is moving on somewhat... We talked this evening on the phone.. She knows she feels something, she is not sure what it is though ( there is some kind of love there) she sees a reconcilation as a massive decision (as it has been for me) cos if we get back together it is only going one way... marriage, kids, building a life together.. 100%.. she knows I want all this (having been the commitment phobe previously), reiterated in the call today, and she wants to be absolutely sure that she makes the right decision for both of us, no point getting back half assed.. we had a very good chat about it, she knows i may be peed off with the waiting and the wondering but she needs time.. so I took the leap and suggested full NC, however she is not sure if that will work for her. I told her we can't keep doing wishy washy meeting ups with the issue not being discussed as that won't help give us clarity, and she agrees, so we decided, and I stress 'we', this is not a one sided agreement, that we go NC til the weekend, she really needs to think about the whole situation and see how we feel we can move from here to a definitive decision on reconciliation. IMO I think she is being fair to both of us, half assed meetings talking about the weather do not get us anywhere and she finally stated that she is absolutely thinking on things (I was getting the impression she was happier to let it slide and we'd end up as comfortable 'friends') so thats nice to know that she is in fact taking this seriously.. Now, where do we go? who knows, she has all the info I can give her and it is up to her to figure her thoughts out, time and space is one thing I am willing to give her and that will help me continue on my healing journey, but til then, we're NC til the weekend and then we will meet. I cannot see her making a definitive reconcilation decision in another 4/5 days, but if she comes back needing longer NC then I will respect that and will have to move on and continue building my own life, expecting everything but waiting for nothing... this probably seems like a convoluted and roundabout way of doing things, difficulty is the solution is black and white to me, but she's stuck in 'grey' at the moment.. I respect her too much to give an ultimatum (as she does NOT respond well to them and in fairness, I AM trying to win her back...) so, busy busy for the next few days, keep doing what I do, but I am glad to say I starting from a more peaceful place than say, 4 hours ago!!!
sean1970 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 (edited) I could only think of one line when I read what you wrote... "Power corrupts... Absolute power corrupts absolutely." IMO I think she is being fair to both of us I want to shake you.... we had a very good chat about it, she knows i may be peed off with the waiting and the wondering but she needs time.. You should be peed now... I respect her too much to give an ultimatum (as she does NOT respond well to them and in fairness, I AM trying to win her back...) Look forward to the time when you respect yourself as much as you do her... I may have 'the wrong idea' it just does not seem so. Remember, people want what they cant have, not so much what is offered so willingly. I just cant see where you are tapping your pride from when she is in obvious control over everything. IMO, you never give her the impression that you will take her back, rather, that you might take her back. There is a Grand Canyon style difference... And its not a game, it is showing that you know you have something to offer someone and if you don't want it, don't let the door hit you in the ass... Edited November 10, 2009 by sean1970
Author kickintheaz Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 sean, thank you, thats making me think real hard now.. shaken... peed again.. I AM giving it up (so to speak) too easily amn't I?!... point taken absolutely.. I need to respect me more... I am deffo giving her the impression I will take her back (cos I will) but I hear ya on the other viewpoint... she knows what I have to offer now and she is taking her time deciding if she wants it.. on the flip side, playing my own devils advocate, is it not a good thing that she wants to be absolutely sure she wants 'in'???. cos I'd hate to be back here in 6 months with a 'we tried and failed, again' type thread.. I'd rather be posting 'it worked and we are happier than ever' in 6, 16, 60 years time.... I know thats pie in the sky in the current situation, but I guess I trying to see the big picture... its time to be *shaken* again isn't it?
sean1970 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 If you did something terrible like abuse or cheating, ok, then you put in the effort... Noncommittal just does not warrant, IMO, what you are putting yourself through... and she wants to be absolutely sure that she makes the right decision for both of us Why is she making your decisions? so I took the leap and suggested full NC, however she is not sure if that will work for her. Suggested NC? She is not sure if that will work for her? Dude... It is worse than you think... Dont do this to yourself... Minimize the "Jesus, I cant believe I said that" moments... I told her we can't keep doing wishy washy meeting ups with the issue not being discussed as that won't help give us clarity, and she agrees, so we decided, and I stress 'we', this is not a one sided agreement, that we go NC til the weekend, NC is not a negotiation. It is not something she needs to agree to... It is for you to heal. Look, there may be a shot for you, I dont remember where you are at but I can tell you, this is not the way. If it was, I would want no part of it. Some reading that I think will do you some good... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/
photobooth Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 please keep posting your story here. I have a very very similiar situation to yours where my ex is wanting to see me every single day after she cheated, and I am doing my best to let her know Im not taking her back
sean1970 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 ... and I am doing my best to let her know Im not taking her back Your 'best' would be NC. Really hard for her not to 'know' if you stick with it... There is nothing easy about this. Hang in there man.
Author kickintheaz Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 hey Sean yep, unfortunately there was cheating in the relationship previously, prob over a year before the non committal thing surfaced.. (going on 2 yrs ago now) that took a while for her to want to work at us again and is still in her head. I understand that and that is probably the biggest stumbling block for her what i mean when I said she is making the right decision for both of us is that I have decided I want to commit and she is deciding if she wants to do the same, which in a way gives her the power to 'yay' or 'nay' the reconcilation, I can't reconcile just cos I want to, she needs to be on board too.. that make any sense? as to NC.. oh, this is confusing and hard to articulate, she is trying to decide if she wants in on this committed relationship, in order for her to reach that point where she makes one of the biggest decisions of her life she is not sure if NC will help her make that decision, I know it reads a bit pathetic, but NC in the format people talk of here, where I'm from is just not done.. it was a completely new concept to me after I found this site and indeed, (I have a copy of that post you kindly put up!) and to my friends I've talked to. We come from a background of, if theres a problem you work at it together, you talk about it, yeah you might go here and there not ringing each other if it was a BAD break up, but this wasn't a bad breakup, in fact, the break up was near 8 months ago, its the last 6 weeks that all this new info has surfaced from me about what I would like in life and she is now trying to take all that info in as she never thought she would genuinely hear from me that I wanted to marry her and know I meant it.. I believe NC Is a good concept and clearly it is working from the threads on this site for people.. but what if NC is not for some people?? as to healing, I can do that, I am in a much better place than a month ago believe me.. i went through the not eating, sleeping, talking to people, watching the dried paint dry through tear filled eyes. I had the worst time of it last month when I thought I would never get her back, but now there is a glimmer and if I need to sit down with her and listen to her confusions, fears, worries etc.. then I think I am gonna have to do that. I'm rambling again.. I think the points you bring up are valid and certainly make me question my actions more, and are very much appreciated, but I am not sure total NC is gonna help my situation.. maybe I am destined to 'break every rule in the book' here and may lose.. but surely I should try everything I can to work with the girl?
Author kickintheaz Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 PHOTOBOOTH, I think in your case Sean is right, NC will let her know, when I cheated on ex she did that for a little while, I got the message and still kept trying and being in the place she was in she relented and took me back, only for me to go and eff off over a year later.. hence the current situation... if you have no intention of letting her back into your life, then cut the cord.. otherwise you are not going to be able to move on from her..
sean1970 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 but surely I should try everything I can to work with the girl? As long as 'Everything' does not really mean 'Anything'... In the sense that 'Everything' means everything that is appropriate to do, ok. 'Anything' will find many on emotional death row. Everything has come to mean that it needs to start, and end, with me, not her. I need to do everything to be more attractive inside and out. Do everything that makes my life better... Anything would mean I would embarrass myself, as I have... Anything would mean I would put her life above my own (check), and that I would fall into ruins again if she did not return my affection (3 for 3). In the end, just be very careful what you expose and offer up, ok? There are more people here with much NC time on the clock that regret more how they acted after the breakup (begging, crying, Ill go to World Of Warcraft therapy... no, not me) than when in the relationship.
Author kickintheaz Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 thanks Sean.. sound advice (again).. I've a few days so for attitude adjustment and will be more mindful now of what I do/say/offer... appreciate the help and insights.. when in this stage one really needs that outside-in view to counter what one thinks one sees from inside-out... cheers (a virtual pint for you)
photobooth Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I have tried very hard to do NC and I have done a good job the past few days. However, when she calls my face and heart light up and I feel like she just wants to come over and plead her forgiveness. The one and only reason I am even thinking of taking her back is because in one month I was going to propose. I wanted to spend the rest of my entire life with this girl, grow old with her, and see the world with her. She was completely out of sorts for 2 weeks and lost sight of who she was. But I know, I just know I cant make excuses for the pain she has caused me. She is being truly honest in how she is sorry for her mistakes...but then again, I dont know if I can truly trust her...because my heart just KNOWS she is still talking to her new b/f everyday and toying with me. just confused
sean1970 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 She was completely out of sorts for 2 weeks and lost sight of who she was. But I know, I just know I cant make excuses for the pain she has caused me. And that was one... Dont do that... It really sucks to have someone cheat on you but never make it about something other than a choice they made. She is being truly honest in how she is sorry for her mistakes...but then again, I dont know if I can truly trust her...because my heart just KNOWS she is still talking to her new b/f everyday and toying with me. just confused If you know, for a fact, that she is still talking with this guy, then you do indeed know what your choice has to be... In the end, you are the one that has to respect yourself.
Author kickintheaz Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 I have tried very hard to do NC and I have done a good job the past few days. However, when she calls my face and heart light up and I feel like she just wants to come over and plead her forgiveness. The one and only reason I am even thinking of taking her back is because in one month I was going to propose. I wanted to spend the rest of my entire life with this girl, grow old with her, and see the world with her. She was completely out of sorts for 2 weeks and lost sight of who she was. But I know, I just know I cant make excuses for the pain she has caused me. She is being truly honest in how she is sorry for her mistakes...but then again, I dont know if I can truly trust her...because my heart just KNOWS she is still talking to her new b/f everyday and toying with me. just confused Hey photobooth, read your backstory there to get some insight and your feelings for this girl are pretty clear. First off, I was the cheater who sought forgiveness, and in a way, I got it, but I had to earn it, actions, actions actions, the words are fine and all you want to hear is "i'll never do it again, it was a mistake, I swear it didn't mean anything", but really, she is still talking to him? I think you are right, she IS toying with you, she is playing you off against this guy. How can you trust her in what she says if she then toddles off home to be with him (be it literally or figuratively, if ya get me) For her to mean what she says she needs to drop him, take some time for her to get her mind sorted and then come to you. For you, you need to see that she is willing to take that step, don't just take her back cos the first time things get hard for her or perhaps suffocating (and no one knows what can trigger that) she will, more than likely, run back to him. Its a safety blanket thing. As to proposal, look, IF she were to do everything right and IF you were to take her back then that can happen down a road somewhere (but try not to think like that for the moment), it is NOT the reason to take her back now.. as far as your concerned, that future proposal is history, off the table, you cannot commit to someone who cannot commit to you. You need to heal now, I have seen first hand what cheating can do to someone, I destroyed the person I loved by my actions and I regret every min of it since, (2 yrs now) and I have not looked at any one the same way since bar my ex. You need to get yourself back up to full confidence, you need to decide with a clear head if this is what you want but she needs to prove it to you now p/booth. ACTIONS...
photobooth Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Actions....you are exactly right. Her petty words are just that, words. I am going to take a good look into this from now on and gauge her on her actions. Not by what she says to me, because you are right, she is just toying with me. I mean, what the hell? she is freakin talking to her new man daily and STILL trying to hang out with me on the side. I have to respect myself no matter how hard it hurts and how bad I want her in my arms. She is getting exactly what she wants in this situation. Time with me when she wants it (because he lives in another state) and falling asleep with his voice on the phone (emotional validation for the time being)...I am trying SO hard not to be blind here but my heart just keeps getting in the way of simple logic. I can almost 100% guarantee you also that she isnt telling her new b/f we have been hanging out here and there. so in effect, she is still deceving me and him at the same time. Its easy for me to rationalize this now, but in a few days (like I said) my deep rooted love for her will prevail and she is what I want to see and feel. I just need an awakening, some sort of separation that detaches my heart from my decisions.
Author kickintheaz Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Actions....you are exactly right. Her petty words are just that, words. I am going to take a good look into this from now on and gauge her on her actions. Not by what she says to me, because you are right, she is just toying with me. I mean, what the hell? she is freakin talking to her new man daily and STILL trying to hang out with me on the side. I have to respect myself no matter how hard it hurts and how bad I want her in my arms. She is getting exactly what she wants in this situation. Time with me when she wants it (because he lives in another state) and falling asleep with his voice on the phone (emotional validation for the time being)...I am trying SO hard not to be blind here but my heart just keeps getting in the way of simple logic. I can almost 100% guarantee you also that she isnt telling her new b/f we have been hanging out here and there. so in effect, she is still deceving me and him at the same time. Its easy for me to rationalize this now, but in a few days (like I said) my deep rooted love for her will prevail and she is what I want to see and feel. I just need an awakening, some sort of separation that detaches my heart from my decisions. Photobooth, you are on that trip to awakening already, your first 2 para's are the voice of reason in your head.. prob best to listen to that side of you for a while, not the heart. She IS being deceiving to both of you, but you don't care bout him at the mo, you care bout you.. cut the cord, get yourself together, when the heart starts pining, re read what YOU wrote here, not us.. THAT is why you are cutting contact til she sorts herself out... its hard, absolutely, but remember 'ex' stands for 'excise' which is what ya gonna have to do for the foreseeable at least and IF her actions change and IF she expresses honest true regret and IF she is willing to WORK at things, then, maybe, possibly, you can start to perhaps give an impression that you MIGHT take her back (I learned that one from Sean...) Work on you now p/booth, learn your worth and do what you think is right FOR YOU... you make you happy, she just added to it, but you can still be happy without her.. Its a tough road you are on and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but your awakening is starting.. roll with that..
stace79 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Ok, I have to somewhat disagree with Sean. I don't know your story personally kick but to me, if you're in an adult, mature relationship, and one person has screwed up and the other broke it off -- if you're both not sure that it's totally over, then NC may not be the way to go, as in my situation. I think if your SO or mine were saying "F off, it's over and I don't want anything to do with you anymore" then yes, NC is warranted to help us heal and move on. But if both parties are not sure it's over, and you're wanting to seek clarity and arrive at a solid, amicable solution (which might be reconciling your R) then the person who screwed up (you and me) should be slightly flexible in meeting the needs of the other person. It's a really thin line we're walking, at least IMO -- I want to give my ex-fiance time and space like he asked, because right now he says he still loves me, and all his family/friends say he is confused and that time heals all wounds. I am trying to tell myself the odds are stacked against me so that if he decides he cannot reconcile, that I'm not totally crushed again. But right now he's said he needs to see that I can be his friend, so that's what I'm trying my hardest to do, because I love him with all my heart and want to spend my life with him. If it doesn't work, and he still cannot be with me again, then at least I know I did everything I could and I can try to sleep easy. To me, love is the most selfless act -- and if that means sacrificing my well-being for a few months to give him what he's asked of me, then I'll do it. Again, I'm walking that fine line between being respectful of the needs of the man I love and being a doormat -- but it's a choice I'm making and you have to make on your own. Just be aware of what's going on, and just ask for honesty -- if your ex decides she doesn't want you anymore, then she has to also let you go fairly.
Author kickintheaz Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Thanks Stace.. I hear ya.. I think you've articulated it better than me, I am happy to do what I am doing, granted there are some things i need to be mindful of instead of being the nodding dog sitting across from her. She is fully aware that honesty is required and that is why she is hesitant to commit straight off the bat, despite her impulse rejection a month ago, which she explained was a knee jerk reaction to all I said, she now is not saying 'yes' OR 'no' without some more soul searching, I have to respect that. No news is good news in my book! I think despite our different reasons for breakups we are both seeking a similar outcome and are going about it in a similar fashion.. like 2 peas in a pod!!!.. will keep an eye out for ya and see ya doing ok, but for now, our chins are up and our thoughts are positive, eye on the prize stace, eye on the prize!!!
stace79 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Thanks Stace.. I hear ya.. I think you've articulated it better than me, I am happy to do what I am doing, granted there are some things i need to be mindful of instead of being the nodding dog sitting across from her. She is fully aware that honesty is required and that is why she is hesitant to commit straight off the bat, despite her impulse rejection a month ago, which she explained was a knee jerk reaction to all I said, she now is not saying 'yes' OR 'no' without some more soul searching, I have to respect that. No news is good news in my book! I think despite our different reasons for breakups we are both seeking a similar outcome and are going about it in a similar fashion.. like 2 peas in a pod!!!.. will keep an eye out for ya and see ya doing ok, but for now, our chins are up and our thoughts are positive, eye on the prize stace, eye on the prize!!! Lol... glad you are more positive than I this morning... We have not instituted NC, just LC -- he said he wants to speak to me two or three times a week, and that's just via phone. He also wants to text me or email me. It's just so hard. I am afraid that not being in contact with him will allow his love for me to go away, but I know being too much in contact with him will definitely drive him away. Just trying to be cautiously optimistic. Thanks for your positives -- message me if needed! I am sure we can both use the support.
Author kickintheaz Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 LC is good, tbh thats what I thought- NC means feelings disappear (whatever feelings she has!).. but in reality when rational mind takes over, ye were engaged with family on the way, other issues got in the way, I doubt his love is gone, its probly just buried under the confusion of the negativity he experienced.. as to too much contact.. I guess it can do to a point, I went from NC to LC to NC to "oh my god I was so overbearing and needy and ran a fortune up on phone calls/txts, emails" and yet still she is considering her options (with a more positive slant on things) woman has the patience of a saint!! Thanks re PM.. I might just do laters, have some questions for you!!.. and yes support required at times like this!... thinking of employing my friends to walk behind me with banners! ha ha..
sean1970 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 My point is, and remains, that most of us get the "I'm confused... Not sure... Give me time" in the beginning from the ex but still have the ex calling, texting asking to meet (among other request that do nothing for the dumped). We want so badly to be with them again that we grant them almost every request. This does little to get you what you want, rather, it has the opposite effect. You end up providing them all they need to heal. We forget ourselves in the process... While NC is not for getting your ex back, it does have a "shock and awe" effect that can have them think of things as you want them to. Meaning, "wow, this is what it would be like without them. Ouch" Being in their grill, calling, texting, doing most everything they ask does not... he said he wants to speak to me two or three times a week, and that's just via phone. He also wants to text me or email me. Stace, I need to read what your situation is but WHAT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Give me one, and there may be one, example of how LC have given you the satisfaction you desperately want? I am happy to do what I am doing, Why are you happy...? What about what she is doing is making you happy?
stace79 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Stace, I need to read what your situation is but WHAT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Give me one, and there may be one, example of how LC have given you the satisfaction you desperately want? Why are you happy...? What about what she is doing is making you happy? I totally understand what you're getting at and agree that sometimes NC is the only way to go. I feel in my personal situation, we are two people who love each other -- we were engaged to be married -- and we just got horribly sidetracked by circumstances somewhat out of our control. Right now, what I want is to do what he needs, because I love him. We both have healing to do -- me from my circumstances, and him from some awful things I said/did -- so if time and space is what we both need to get better and renew our R, then I'll give him that. I won't do it indefinitely -- in several months, I may realize that our R won't be reconciled, and then I will make the choice of going NC or not. But for now, selflessly, I want to do what he needs, to show him that I love him unconditionally. If that ends up not being enough, as I said, then I will know I've done everything in my power and I can let him go, albeit sadly.
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