catwoman999 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I have been lurking here for a while and trying to figure out why my husband of 15 years is compelled to cheat with other women despite the consequences. I kick him out when I have proof of his infidelity but he always begs to come back and is full of remorse I let him after three months. This has happened three times. I am a SAHM with two school age kids. I think that he is too scared to leave me. Or, is that wishful thinking?
NowhereToHide Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. But can I ask... why are you waiting for him to leave you? Why don't you leave him? He hasn't left, basically, because he knows you will keep taking him back.
Author catwoman999 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I do not want to disrupt the lives of my kids and to be honest he is a good provider and father when he is not sneaking around.
NowhereToHide Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I do not want to disrupt the lives of my kids and to be honest he is a good provider and father when he is not sneaking around. I can understand the kids thing, more than you know. But I have to say that it doesn't seem like he is going to change his behavior if there is no incentive to do so. You have taken him back three times. So the next time he sees a woman other than his wife that he wants to have sex with, he will.... because he knows that you want him in your life more than you want him to change. You know he will continue to cheat. No matter what he says. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. So what do you want for yourself? I think you need to decide what it is that you need and want and make some decisions. Because without any change by YOU (he isn't going to change), then your situation will be exactly the same in 10 years.
Gabriele Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I agree with pp, seems to me that you are too scared to leave him, not the other way around! Why are you letting him do this to you and your kids? It seems that Daddy leaving the house for 3 months and Mommy being sad and parents fighting must be quite disruptive. If you want your marriage to work, your husband to change, and for you to believe that you are worth MORE.....you really should open the communication with your h, get some counseling, and find out what the core issues are, or this cycle will just continue and your self esteem will be not just in the toilette, but flushed down never to be seen again.....and that a good mother does not make. (I am sure you are a loving good mother, please dont think i mean diff, just you have to be happy in order to raise happy kids). I can't imagine how you are handling all this....my heart breaks for you and your kids.
Author catwoman999 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Thank you, NTH. I have been so embarassed by my situation. I cannot talk to anyone in real life. I expected to be called out as stupid and advised to "kick him to the curb". Thank goodness the bashing did not happen. The only incentive for him to stop cheating is if he believed that i would divorce him and i don't anticipate that happening whlst the kids are in full time education. The reality is, in ten years time we will be too old to want to separate and build new lives. What do others do in this situation? It is all so depressingly bleak.
anne1707 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 So how old are you both and how old are the children?
Author catwoman999 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Gabriele, I appreciate your point of view. My husband had issues with commitment before we were married - he lived with 10 different women beforehand. I thought that I was the "one" for him. I have been proven wrong. The kids do not witness any fighting. They were only old enough to have the talk that "daddy was going to be living elsewhere" after the last "incident" 12 months ago. We are like room mates. It is cordial but no real intimacy since the kids. The status quo works for the kids therfore i have made it work for me. However, I do worry about what will happen in the future. I do not want him faithful because he is too old to follow his desires. I am in my prime and feel that i am wasting myself on him. If i did not have kids i would leave - but i do and feel trapped.
Author catwoman999 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I am 42 and he is 50. The kids are 9 and 11.
KikiW Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I'm sorry, but I don't understand... You said this has happened 3 times, at least once resulted in his moving out for 3 months. Then you took him back. What do you think this teaches your kids about adult relationships? That as long as he begs long enough, it's ok for a lying, cheating person to slither back in? You have given him the go-ahead to continue this behavior. You are not willing to kick him out for good "while the kids are in school", so what's to stop him from betraying you? Nothing. And you've proven to him that he can do it by accepting him back 3 times already. If he is a good provider, he can be a good provider when he is an EX. You are a SAHM, and entitled to continue in the lifestyle with which he provided. May not be exactly the same, but can be very close, and you are showing your children that they do not have to suffer with cheaters.
NowhereToHide Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Gabriele, I appreciate your point of view. My husband had issues with commitment before we were married - he lived with 10 different women beforehand. I thought that I was the "one" for him. I have been proven wrong. The kids do not witness any fighting. They were only old enough to have the talk that "daddy was going to be living elsewhere" after the last "incident" 12 months ago. We are like room mates. It is cordial but no real intimacy since the kids. The status quo works for the kids therfore i have made it work for me. However, I do worry about what will happen in the future. I do not want him faithful because he is too old to follow his desires. I am in my prime and feel that i am wasting myself on him. If i did not have kids i would leave - but i do and feel trapped. I guess I'm not very familiar with the specifics of divorce, but if you DID divorce him, wouldn't he still be financially responsible for you and your children? Please, DON'T waste another moment of your precious life living like this. You are 42! You are so young, still. You can find someone that will love you and respect you and make a life with you. Your H might be a good father, but he is not a good husband. YOU deserve more. Please believe that about yourself. I would highly suggest that you start counseling immediately so that you can make some sense of why you are so willing to accept so little for yourself. And your kids are old enough to know what is going on. As much as you may try to shield them, they know. Especially at their ages. And do you have a daughter? Is what you are accepting for yourself what you would want he to think is acceptable for herself? LIVE the example you want to show. No one will fault you for walking away from a serial cheater. Please believe that you are worth more than this.
Author catwoman999 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 The practical realities of the aftermath of cheating are far different from the theory. I used to be one of those people who said "if he cheated on me i would walk". When your finances, home and support network are entangled it is not that easy. We are not wealthy. We could not afford to buy two houses if we sold our home. The kids would have to leave their schools. What if my husband lost his job. There are so many variables that i would not want to bet on us being able to "continue in the same lifestyle" - even if we were entiled to in an ideal world.
Author catwoman999 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I don't see it as a self esteem issue. I have made sacrifices because I love my kids. He is not physically or emotionally abusive. There is no iminent danger. He just becomes emotionally then physically attached to women (one at a time) who reach him in a way that I cannot. I know he's weak and cowardly. But, I also know he is lost.
anne1707 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 But this life offers no emotional stability to your children. And I can promise you that as they get older and understand far more what is going on between their parents (because your H will do this again), they will suffer. I know that as a teenager, I was relieved when my parents finally divorced after going through a period of 2/3 years of my father leaving/moving back etc. To finally come home to a house with no arguments or tension was so much better and the fact that we had to move to a smaller house and that things were financially tough was just not an issue. As for you being too old to separate in 10/15 years or so - that is rubbish and just an excuse. You are understandably scared but please do not resign yourself to a life of misery.
Author catwoman999 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Anne, I hear what you are saying but i do not believe that my kids are suffering. They do not see any tension as we are so careful around them. I am the one that is losing out but i could not put my emotional welfare over my childrens' security? I believe my husband was scared the last time i caught him and i have seen no signs of infidelity. But, I know his track record so keep my guard up. Maybe he has seen the error of his ways.
anne1707 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Anne, I hear what you are saying but i do not believe that my kids are suffering. They do not see any tension as we are so careful around them. But that sounds as if you are tiptoeing round them. They will pick up on this. But, I know his track record so keep my guard up. Maybe he has seen the error of his ways. If you believed that, you would not be posting here.
Author catwoman999 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I wanted to know what other people do in this situation. Not the theorising but the actual plan of action.
anne1707 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 But your plan is to stay in a potentially very destructive relationship which some of us here on LS have problems with. To offer you advice on how to stay in this situation is very difficult when it feels as if it could be so wrong. I am not after bashing you so apologies if it is coming across that way.
jwi71 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 The practical realities of the aftermath of cheating are far different from the theory. A divorce lawyer told you this? Not likely. I live in Texas...where there is no alimony - except when.... Go talk to a lawyer and LEARN the TRUTH about divorce. Don't let blind fear guide you. Your H can be compelled to fork over 25% of gross income and living expenses for YOU (this is how it works in Texas). You've got nothing to lose by spending the hour and hearing the truth and what the courts can compel from him. When your finances, home and support network are entangled it is not that easy. Actually it is. As a SAHM, your H will pay for your lawyer, the divorce, alimony and child support. Of course, you will have to re-enter the workforce...but a small price to pay for your dignity. We are not wealthy. We could not afford to buy two houses if we sold our home. I understand. So you live in the house, your H can pay for it and live in a small roach hotel. Who effin cares if he can't afford two houses.? As long as your home and your kids lives are relatively uninterrupted...go for it. The kids would have to leave their schools.No. You keep the house. That jerk-off you married leaves. Schools remain unchanged. What if my husband lost his job.No difference "post divorce" as compared to what would happen now. There are so many variables that i would not want to bet on us being able to "continue in the same lifestyle" - even if we were entiled to in an ideal world.You can't maintain the same lifestyle. But who cares. Your dignity is worth far more than that...and you won't take such a large hit I think. Why don't you talk to a lawyer and find out?
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Catwoman, you only allow a person to treat you how you let them treat you. If you put your foot down with resolve and confidence and kicked his azz to the curb he would have no where else to go. but here's the thing, if he's a serial cheater why the F do you want him back!!! Why are you torturing yourself like this!!!!
Gabriele Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 You know, I kinda get your sacrafice. So what I am wondering is this.....do you want to have a good marriage? Do you think he loves you? Do you think he wants you, and your marriage? Then start counseling. Work on it...find out why he has done this... maybe you can come together and have a good marriage if its what you both want, you are obviously not leaving him, so why not work to make it something good....let him know you want to be happy with him. Is it worth the effort to find each other again?
ADF Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I have been lurking here for a while and trying to figure out why my husband of 15 years is compelled to cheat with other women despite the consequences. I kick him out when I have proof of his infidelity but he always begs to come back and is full of remorse I let him after three months. This has happened three times. I am a SAHM with two school age kids. I think that he is too scared to leave me. Or, is that wishful thinking? I doubt it is fear, although he may indeed dread the possible financial fallout of a divorce. More likely, he wants it both ways. He wants the security and stability having a wife offers, while having other women on the side. Luckily for him, he married a total doormat. He knows he can cheat on your again and again and you won't do anything.
hopeless4u Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 you say you are staying for your children but what happens to you when they have grown up an you are to old to find someone else, single women with children is run of the mill now, get out now and find someone who loves you and wants to grow old with you. x
KikiW Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I get that some women's children are the center of their world, and I am the first one to say "think of the children" when making a life-changing decision. But that shouldn't mean martyr yourself so that your kids can continue living in some little bubble of lies. This kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME. I didn't think anything could possibly happen that would make me leave my husband, and here I am with a 9 year old, in my own apartment, and my SO moving in with me next week. The thing I focused on was telling my daughter the truth (age-appropriate of course), and making her feel as comfortable as possible with the changes. Kids are very adaptable, given the love and support of their parents. So, without meaning to sound too harsh but still trying to get my point across, stop nailing yourself to that cross, and maybe you can show your children what true love really is someday.
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