sean1970 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 How long since you and your ex split? It's 4 months for me and I'm nowhere near feeling ready to meet someone else, I can't even imagine it, and I'm not into one night stands (nothing against them, they're just not for me). My relationship lasted 18 years, so maybe healing takes longer the longer the relationship was. Two year relationship, July breakup, enough breadcrumbs from her to fully stuff a 90 lb. turkey, 2 meetings, last seen each other Oct 12th, last text from her was Oct 20th (I did not respond).
nobleguy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 enough breadcrumbs from her to fully stuff a 90 lb. turkey On a serious note, that can really mess your head up...
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 3 1/2 months is early days. I know that being with someone else right now would make me feel lonelier, cos it's not him. Yep, only one person who can make it better For me, only three and a half months. I've met a few women and got on with a couple, had a one night stand. None of it has made me feel any better. I'm seeing this lady periodically who is really really nice but she just doesn't make me feel happy. It's more a case of having something to do or someone to be with. We all know who the person is that would make it all better don't we?
sean1970 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) On a serious note, that can really mess your head up... Daily IMs of... "I really miss talking to you..." "Isnt this great, we can talk with no pressure" Loved that one.... "Come help me paint" "Im not supposed to admit this but I wish I had one of your hugs right now" It was brutal... OT: Something that has bothered me that I read here yesterday... Somen said that the other would realize and regret their decision later on but GrayClouds disagreed... Saying "Originally Posted by GrayClouds I hate to be a downer here but I don't think that will be true. Only a very few people actually looks back at what then did and gain insight. Must keep just moving and distracting themselves so they dont have to face the truth. It take a great deal of courage and strength to do so and many just are not able to. I think people can change, but most don't because it is easier not too." I hate that this is probably the case... Edited November 12, 2009 by sean1970
AliveAndKicking Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 <EDITED> "Originally Posted by GrayClouds I hate to be a downer here but I don't think that will be true. Only a very few people actually looks back at what then did and gain insight. Must keep just moving and distracting themselves so they dont have to face the truth. It take a great deal of courage and strength to do so and many just are not able to. I think people can change, but most don't because it is easier not too." I hate that this is probably the case... I agree- it is sad that so few people ever make the effort to look within. It is very uncomfy to do so but for me it is second-nature. I'm sure that it is for most who find themself on this or similar site looking for answers; We want to understand things, the world, people, ourselves. At times I am envious of those who never look within- they seem so content in their little worlds- they bump along oblivious to things and frankly I get jealous of that sometimes. I wish, at times, that I didn't give a damn about things, that I didn't feel things so intensely and so deeply. I wish, at times, that I could be a happy idiot with nary a care, nothing to upset me, and simply enjoy being simple-minded and shallow. After the dust from a growth-spurt (emotional pain) settles, though, I am proud of my efforts, I feel a bit more enlightened, and I feel more secure, safe, and solid. The results of introspection/retrospection are fantastic- the pain of growth, though, is tough and it can be tiresome. I truly believe, though, that at the end of my life I'll be able to say "It was one hell of a ride, I learned a lot, and I'm going to meet my maker in the form of one damn fine man. I hope I'm right!
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 All I can really say today is AAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!
GrayClouds Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 All I can really say today is AAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH! So what are you going to do tonight to be kind to yourself?
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Not much tonight really, going to bed early, I did treat myself to cake though! Tired and grumpy, hormones mostly, and needing a cuddle, well I've needed a cuddle for months. I don't really seem to know how to enjoy myself at the moment, depression is getting in the way of enjoyment. I miss affection, feeling loved. I feel really P***** off today. Trying to decide whether to see ex this weekend or try to go another week, not met him for 3 weeks now, but texting and emails, and bumped into briefly once. So what are you going to do tonight to be kind to yourself?
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 I've gone back down again, I said to my ex might see him this weekend, he was happy about that but he's texted this morn and said am I still going over and could I make it tomorrow night. And I'm thinking he's seeing other friends tonight, they're more important, so I said maybe meet next weekend. To be fair I didn't say which night I was going to see him this weekend, so why shouldn't he make other plans, I spose I wish he was so keen to see me he'd keep sat and sun night free. Yeah dream on. I have felt down and angry for days, now I feel worse.
nobleguy Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 HOrH...I feel for you I really do I have real trouble accepting how many people out in the world are feeling as low as I am, yet on here I get evidence of it every day. It really is a sad thing that so many (possibly millions) of people feel like this at the same time. Honestly, it makes me question whether being in a relationship is really the path to true happiness. The year before I met my ex I had the best year of my life. Honestly I did. Single (most of the time). Had fun when I wanted. No responsibility. No hassle. I was happier than I'd ever been. Now I'm a pale version of that person. My post solves nothing, just an observation really...
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Today is really bad, been getting worse the last few days, the last straw was knowing he was with a group of friends today who I introduced him to years ago and who have supported him but not me since he left, I cant tell you how much it hurts. He used to fancy one of them too which makes it far worse. I texted him to say I was glad that one of us has a group of friends to turn to for hugs and support, and that none of them have any idea how I feel. He didn't reply, which is annoying as he says he wants to know how I am. I think I need to e-mail him and get a few things off my chest. I walked home through town crying which was embarassing. If there was an easy way out today I would take it. I don't know how to get through this evening, especially as I think he is out with those ex friends of mine again. We have gales here and I prayed a branch would fall on me and put an end to all this s*it.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Hoh! Nope- no falling branches, grand pianos, or 4-ton safes falling on your head today. No way uh uh, hon, you've gotto suffer along with the rest of us. I hope you caught the humor in that. Sometimes I'm the only one who gets my jokes... Sorry to hear that you're down hon. You were doing so much better just a short while ago. Maybe ignorance IS bliss in that knowing what your ex is up to seems to get the wheels turning and brings you down whereas if you didn't know, well, it might be easier. There seems to be a divide between what your ex is saying vs. what he is doing. While he says that he cares about you his actions seem to be that he is only concerned with himself. Do you see that? It hard to see sometimes, that's for sure. I experienced the same sort of contrdictions from my ex throughout our relationship. She would profess her love to me. Big fancy grand proclamations of her love and devotion but yet her actios were just the opposite. She might write me a lovely message in the morning yet by noon she would be treating me horribly- speaking to me as if I was dirt. Vey confusing! I put so much value into her words and was stunned and felt betrayed and hurt when she acted so differently. By the end of the relationship I took her words with a grain of salt and looked only at her actions. To hell with her telling me- she was showing something completely opposite. I hate to join the chorus but perhaps it is time to unplug form him, place no value on his words, and base reality on his actions. It seems that the more you are in contact with him the worse off you are. I know it is hard to let go of him and of hope but maybe it is time to stop holding on to words and instead face the facts regaring his actions. The hardest thing I've ever done was to truly let go of my ex. Looking back, though, it has been the only thing that brought me any relief and allowed me to really feel better consistantly, move on, and get my feet back underneath me. Things really will get better, hon, but you've got to stop torturing yourself as you have been. Be brave, let him go, and trust that once you do you WILL feel better. We may be a bunch of lonely misfits here in this forum but we're not alone in that we have each other. I'd rather be here, alone and lonesome, than to spend another minute with someone who tells me how much they love me but shows me how much they don't.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 I'm scared I'm having a breakdown, I cant stop crying, I feel like mind is going to snap, I'm shuffling around the house slowly. I cant handle him being with those friends, I need hugs and support much more than he does. I'm in deep pain. I texted him said I couldnt stop crying, and that he's ignoring me now and he texted and said he didn't know how to reply to the text I sent earlier about my ex friends and him and that he was going to phone me tomorrow. I said sorry, I won't contact him again. I feel shaky and weak. I will read your post now A&K.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 You are right of course, I'm finding it hard to let go of the frustration and anger that my old friends are supporting him and not me, they were my friends in the first place and when they fell out with my ex years ago I was loyal to him and backed off from them too! I wanted to get back in touch with them a long time ago but didnt as I knew it would hurt him:mad: I feel so incredibly left out and abandoned. It used to be me and him against the world, now he's in their clique I feel so alone.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Aw hon... *Hugs* cyber hugs is the best I can do on such short notice ;-) Let those tears out hon- it's okay to cry. Gotta get that stuff out of ya, right? You're feeling betrayed and it all feels so unfair. You feel like you've been ripped-off, huh? You bet you do. I know those feelings too. It hurts- makes you feel unimportant, unloved, like you're worthless, and more. But guess what? Those feelings are real but they are not facts! While you might be unimportant to your ex you are important to other folks, right? Of course you are! Heck- you're important to me! Same goes for those other feelings- they hurt, and while the feelings are real, the thoughts behind them are just that: thoughts. Feelings vs. Facts. We've talked about this before, huh? Well lets see- it's evening in the UK. Is it too late to go for a brisk walk around? Better than shuffling arounfd the house, right? How about phoning an old friend or a family member? Maybe sit and write it out- go ahead and rage and let off all that steam. Have a good cuss and a rant. Punch a pillow. I'm being serious- these things help! It might sound silly but give it a try before you knock it... I'll bet a little part of you is mad at youself too. If you're anything like me you're mad at yourself forsetting your hopes so high and now that you've been let-down you're feeling a bit foolish and are angry with yourself. I could be wrong but as I said- if you're anything like me (and we're all sort of similar around here, huh?) I'll bet you've got some self-anger. Give yourself a break hon. Don't be hard on yourself. Please hang in there and please believe me when I tell you that if you hang in there and give it time you WILL feel better. I have nothing to gain by lying to you,right? Right! Be brave and strong- I know you can do it! Take a deep breath and tell yourself out loud: "I'm gonna be alright!" Say it loud so I can hear you all the way accross the Atlantic! *listening closely*
teanoranges Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Daily IMs of... "I really miss talking to you..." "Isnt this great, we can talk with no pressure" Loved that one.... "Come help me paint" "Im not supposed to admit this but I wish I had one of your hugs right now" It was brutal... Oooh, I hate those... I got the 'no pressure' thing too, and 'since we are so close, there's no tension there like other friends' ((No tension? I'm going crazy!!)) He said he started falling for this girl in Sept (even though they kissed in august?... of course he's probably lying) but on like sept 20 he text me 'I think I miss you most when I wake up in the morning and think "If there's anyone I'd want to see this early who would it be?"' So last conversation 'I just want to make sure I'm not leading you on' Too late for that you stupid jerk!!
AliveAndKicking Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 HoH! I hope this day finds you in better spirits and filled with hope and courage. *hug*
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Thank you, sorry I'm not good, feels like the tiny spark I had has gone, I've got no words at the moment, I'm exhausted. Thank you for being there, I'm sorry to anyone I upset.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 HeavenOrHell, I woke up this morning thinking about something. I was thinking how it has been eight weeks since I've last been with my ex. It's been an amazing eight weeks, but within this time frame, I have just about recovered from all the heartache. I thought to myself, so it took only 8 weeks to get back in a good place again? 8 weeks to recover from the ending of a 3 year relationship? Then I thought about you. I was thinking what it might be like at the end of an 18 year relationship. Is it going to take 6x the amount of time to recover? That's would be a whole year, right? What I want to say is, that you have been very hurt. Very, very hurt. I mean, I gave my heart to that silly 3 year on/off relationship, and I got by butt kicked. I can't imagine the pain that you are going through, after 18 years of real commitment. So do realize that now is the time of hurt, and of healing. It's okay to cry, it's okay to feel sad. What is not okay is to keep holding onto this pain, right? We don't know what's around the corner, but we don't want to be looking back anymore, okay? You'll hit a wall! Keep being good to yourself. Keep talking about this, keep getting new insights. Try to let go of what happened. What happened? Your 18 year relationship ended. What now? Try to let it go. Try to accept what has happened, but don't make yourself miserable over it. Empower yourself to live again. Don't hold onto the pain. Don't think life is over for you. Remember, we don't know what's around the corner! Good things are around the corner, I promise you. You just need to look forward to them, not back at old sorrows. Really, I'm just reaching out to you... really trying to reach out to you, because I honestly can't imagine your pain. I just know that we are strong, and we can make it through so much if we only let ourselves make it through. Keep moving forward, let yourself heal. Be good to yourself. It is the start of a new life for you. That's a good thing! There's a lot to think about in this new life of yours! During this difficult time, don't ever lose your focus. Always keep moving forward, never stopping to settle with misery. With TLC, Ms. Joolie
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Thank you so much hun and A&K It means so much that you took the time to write these posts and think of me. I've gone 3 weeks without meeting him, still texts and emails though, I have stuff I need to get off my chest to him. I'm sure I will go total NC soon, for now though I need that little bit of contact. One reason I find it hard to let go totally is that some of my friends think he just needs time out and that he may well want to try again, I've no idea anymore, I just don't know. HeavenOrHell, I woke up this morning thinking about something. I was thinking how it has been eight weeks since I've last been with my ex. It's been an amazing eight weeks, but within this time frame, I have just about recovered from all the heartache. I thought to myself, so it took only 8 weeks to get back in a good place again? 8 weeks to recover from the ending of a 3 year relationship? Then I thought about you. I was thinking what it might be like at the end of an 18 year relationship. Is it going to take 6x the amount of time to recover? That's would be a whole year, right? What I want to say is, that you have been very hurt. Very, very hurt. I mean, I gave my heart to that silly 3 year on/off relationship, and I got by butt kicked. I can't imagine the pain that you are going through, after 18 years of real commitment. So do realize that now is the time of hurt, and of healing. It's okay to cry, it's okay to feel sad. What is not okay is to keep holding onto this pain, right? We don't know what's around the corner, but we don't want to be looking back anymore, okay? You'll hit a wall! Keep being good to yourself. Keep talking about this, keep getting new insights. Try to let go of what happened. What happened? Your 18 year relationship ended. What now? Try to let it go. Try to accept what has happened, but don't make yourself miserable over it. Empower yourself to live again. Don't hold onto the pain. Don't think life is over for you. Remember, we don't know what's around the corner! Good things are around the corner, I promise you. You just need to look forward to them, not back at old sorrows. Really, I'm just reaching out to you... really trying to reach out to you, because I honestly can't imagine your pain. I just know that we are strong, and we can make it through so much if we only let ourselves make it through. Keep moving forward, let yourself heal. Be good to yourself. It is the start of a new life for you. That's a good thing! There's a lot to think about in this new life of yours! During this difficult time, don't ever lose your focus. Always keep moving forward, never stopping to settle with misery. With TLC, Ms. Joolie
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 Just started another thread, after ex texted and said could we meet to talk, I feel sure it will be because of the hurt text I sent yesterday, it was cos I was upset cos I knew he was with the friends who I introduced him to and they no longer bother with me, I texted and said I was glad one of us had a group of friends for hugs and support and that none of them have a clue how I feel. I'm so upset about them, especially as he used to fancy one of them and she knows I am insecure about her. I've scared him off now, so I will be forced to go NC whether I like it or not. What have I done If were going NC I wanted it to come from me. OMG I've lost him altogether forever.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I posted about it in the other thread. I'm so alone now I don't have him to turn to when I'm upset, we always had each other when we had problems, for 18 years. I cant stop crying and I just want him to wrap his arms around me. I don't feel I can get through this. He's made me feel I shouldn't be feeling like this, or that he doesn't want to know about it. "You shouldn't be talking to me about this".
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