HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Starting this thread as the title of my last one was depressing! Time to try and move forward. Finding things a little easier, more bearable now it's nearly 4 months, but still caught in the NC or not NC, it's up to me to decide, I veer from one to the other constantly!
Thebob Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 don't think like that, keep NC. If you feel you are cured you aren't. When you feel that you dont need that person in your life anymore then you are fully cured. Keep the NC until you have no emotional connection towards that person anymore. You got this, stay NC Thebob
GrayClouds Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Starting this thread as the title of my last one was depressing! Time to try and move forward. Finding things a little easier, more bearable now it's nearly 4 months, but still caught in the NC or not NC, it's up to me to decide, I veer from one to the other constantly! The reason is your are thinking that you can somehow affect his decision. You trying to think your still have some control over the relationship. Sorry but you don't. When someone walks out they take it. It sucks but that is how it goes. What you do have control is yourself which means focusing on taking care of yourself, improving yourself, and help yourself move on.
soheartbroken Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Hi HoH. Found you on your new thread. NC or LC is ultimately up to you.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I will always have an emotional connection with him and he will with me, whether we like it or not, it's fact, I can try telling myself we don't have a connection but I will be lying to myself, I am thinking of moving away to put distance between us but the connection will still be there don't think like that, keep NC. If you feel you are cured you aren't. When you feel that you dont need that person in your life anymore then you are fully cured. Keep the NC until you have no emotional connection towards that person anymore. You got this, stay NC Thebob
AliveAndKicking Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Hoh! Found your new less-depressing thread no problem! I absolutely understand the issues regarding NC vs. LC that you are struggling with. I see that you have set a limit as to how long you are willing to "wait". I put "wait" in quotes because you are not just sitting there waiting. You ARE making an effort at sorting yourself out and that's great! There are no "wrong" decisions hon. We've all got to do what we've got to do and hope for the best. I hope you will really focus on your own issues, though, regardless of how things pan out for you and your ex. I'll certainly do my best to be supportive in any case- you can count on that. I absolutely understand the connection you share with your ex. I too share a deep connection, in fact a number of connections, with my ex as well. In my case, while I was capable of maintaining contct with her she wasn't. Two people in two different "places"... In my case there was really no incentive for me to continue allowing her in my life as she brought nothing but trouble into it. She is unable to maintain any emotional stability whatsoever and although I ended up essentially numb to her antics I deserve much more that a one-way "project" pleasantly named "friendship". Your case seems to be much different in that regard. I sincerely hope that you will continue to work on yourself and strive to be your very best whether he is in the picture or not. Don't try to force your hand in any way, hon, as he is out of your control. Your very best bet is to carry on as if you wil never see him again and keep your focus entirely on yourself. It's virtually impossible to do but you must try. Hope for the best but please plan for the worst! I'm glad you decided to start a new thread and I am glad that you are in seemingly better spirits today! Keep on keepin' ON! Keep telling yourself how awesome you are, okay? Okay!
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Many thanks A&K, very wise words indeed and much appreciated I hope your day has been good?
AliveAndKicking Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Any day i wake up above ground is a good day! Yes- I'm doing well- thank you for asking! My work has been busy and it feels good to come home tired from working rather than tired from boredom. I'm glad you are in good spirits today! Be well and be AWESOME. :-D
AliveAndKicking Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 HoH! Yet another pop-in to check up on you! I hope this day finds you in good spirits and looking forward with a positive attitude and a heart and soul full of hope. Be well!
nobleguy Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Any day i wake up above ground is a good day! Yes. I've had dark thoughts over the past 3 months or so. Really terrible. But every day I've found something to stick around for. I can't even remember what those things were now but they got me through...
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 The main thing is they got you through Me too, yay! Coping ok so far this week A&K, keeping busy and went to friends' last night. Ex being cheeky and asking to bring his laundry around even though he knows I don't want to see him at the moment. Mind you we have been e-mailing and texting (but not meeting), so maybe he thought it would be ok He said hope it's not cheeky but could I bring my laundry around. He usually brings it once a week until I said no 2 weeks ago. In the beginning I hoped it was an excuse to see me, (otherwise why not go to the launderette just up the road from him), as I'd say can you bring it when I'm out and he said ok at first and then he said could he bring it even if I'm in, which was naughty of him. But when I recently said no to him he asked friends of mine instead, so I felt sad and peeved that he was just bringing it here cos it's easier I feel I'm reduced from partner to just being used for his washing. Actually I know that's not true he does need me as a friend, I just feel a bit used and crap. Anyway, I'm tired, time for bed, will check in tomorrow Yes. I've had dark thoughts over the past 3 months or so. Really terrible. But every day I've found something to stick around for. I can't even remember what those things were now but they got me through...
AliveAndKicking Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 HoH! Yep it looks like you're doing well. Glad to see that! Sounds like the ex is using you, hon. If you're gonna play with fire at least do it according to YOUR rules. Take good care of yourself and keep up the good work! Be careful- be well - be AWESOME!
cdt76 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Anyone notice that they go through waves of doing ok and then for some unexplained reason, slip back into thoughts and desires? I've been doing well over the last couple of weeks but this week, for some reason (I think it started with a dream) I have been having the hardest time coping. All I think about is the good times the ex and I had together (I didn't see any bad times as in 8 months together we never had a single argument). I want it back so bad. I just want to know if something is more wrong with me than I thought or if this is a natural thing.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I think that is normal, I did the same thing. Was fine then all of a sudden it changed back. I forgot for a short time, how he hurt me and was only remembering the good stuff. It is the good feelings from being in love I want back, not him. But this too shall pass.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 It's normal with grief, you can feel relatively ok for a while, and then it all hits you again and you feel you're back to square one, but we don't go back to square one cos we are moving further down the road all the time. Anyone notice that they go through waves of doing ok and then for some unexplained reason, slip back into thoughts and desires? I've been doing well over the last couple of weeks but this week, for some reason (I think it started with a dream) I have been having the hardest time coping. All I think about is the good times the ex and I had together (I didn't see any bad times as in 8 months together we never had a single argument). I want it back so bad. I just want to know if something is more wrong with me than I thought or if this is a natural thing.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Anyone notice that they go through waves of doing ok and then for some unexplained reason, slip back into thoughts and desires? I've been doing well over the last couple of weeks but this week, for some reason (I think it started with a dream) I have been having the hardest time coping. All I think about is the good times the ex and I had together (I didn't see any bad times as in 8 months together we never had a single argument). I want it back so bad. I just want to know if something is more wrong with me than I thought or if this is a natural thing. I've experienced this many times. That's the rollercoaster of emotions and the ride isn't very much fun. The good news is that the peaks and valleys start to level-out after a while but gettingthere can be exhausting. It is perfectly normal- it's all part of the healing process. Unfortunately we don't just wake up healed one day-it talkes many cycles of the ups and downs to get there. Just know that it DOES subside eventually. It takes tiime to deal with a loss. Allow yourself some time, don't be surprized at the waves of emotions, and remind yourself that these feelings are normal, temporary,and in the end you will be stronger and wiser. Hang in there-it gets better!
nobleguy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Anyone notice that they go through waves of doing ok and then for some unexplained reason, slip back into thoughts and desires? I've been doing well over the last couple of weeks but this week, for some reason (I think it started with a dream) I have been having the hardest time coping. All I think about is the good times the ex and I had together (I didn't see any bad times as in 8 months together we never had a single argument). I want it back so bad. I just want to know if something is more wrong with me than I thought or if this is a natural thing. I had three comparatively great weeks about a month ago and it suddenly all fell apart again. Think it had something to do with the fact I was getting close to this girl but it didn't work out in the end. Far too early. And I think it encouraged my ex to enter a new relationship. Big mistake all round...
AliveAndKicking Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 It's normal with grief, you can feel relatively ok for a while, and then it all hits you again and you feel you're back to square one, but we don't go back to square one cos we are moving further down the road all the time. It is scary when we fall back as it indeed does feel like we're right back to square-one but you are absoutely right- it's not square-one at all! It seems that as I move through a few of the cycles the lows don't last as long and aren't quite as low. I am no longer debilitated by them and I seem to be able to move through them faster. That in and unto itself is a great comfort to me and gives me hope that the pain and sorrow WILL end completely some day. ______________ On a side note HoH: I am so proud of you! Perhaps you don't see it (as it is hard to see one's self objectively) but you are doing GREAT! Comparing your older posts to where you are today is a night-and-day difference! You're growing like a weed! Keep up the great work and keep telling yourself exactly how awesome you are- that positive self-talk really works! Be well this and every day.
cdt76 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I cry and scream inside but tears no longer flow. Medicine keeps the mood swings under control but the feelings of loneliness and being unloved fill my chest and suffocate me. Days go by and I'm ok but set backs like this feed the anger and hate that is inside of me. Friends tell me I wouldn't want her back now for what she did to me, but the truth is, I would take her back if she would love me again. I felt she was my "one". She was the one I dreamed about when she was right next to me. She was the one I wanted to touch and kiss and look at and talk to more than anything in the world and when she left me, it ripped my world into pieces. I lost trust and friends and what was a great life has turned to a below average standard of living that has partially ruined me. I know these feelings won't last long, as in the past these waves have hit me and only lasted a day or so. But this is going on a week now. I just want to forget and stop hurting.
jv032889 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I will never feel the pain I felt the day I found out my ex was leaving. I agree with alive and heaven. Square one is long gone. When I see or talk to my ex I no longer feel the pain I did a few months ago. I already know the out come of each encounter. Slowly with the help of NC we will eventually move on.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I cry and scream inside but tears no longer flow. Medicine keeps the mood swings under control but the feelings of loneliness and being unloved fill my chest and suffocate me. Days go by and I'm ok but set backs like this feed the anger and hate that is inside of me. Friends tell me I wouldn't want her back now for what she did to me, but the truth is, I would take her back if she would love me again. I felt she was my "one". She was the one I dreamed about when she was right next to me. She was the one I wanted to touch and kiss and look at and talk to more than anything in the world and when she left me, it ripped my world into pieces. I lost trust and friends and what was a great life has turned to a below average standard of living that has partially ruined me. I know these feelings won't last long, as in the past these waves have hit me and only lasted a day or so. But this is going on a week now. I just want to forget and stop hurting. That's right: PARTIALLY. It sure does feel total at first but it isn't. I'm glad that you can see that it is not complete. It is also good that you recognize that these feelings won't last long. If you're feeling like you're stuck in alow right now maybe you can do something extra, maybe something new, to try and break free from it. Maybe break your routine in some way- sometimes just a little change in my daily routine can make a big difference in other areas. It's wortha try, huh? Hang in there and keep up your positive attitude. We'll get through this and eventually this will all be a distant memory.
cdt76 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I have done new things, changed routines, hung out with different people. I've tried it all. Most work for a little while. What I can't seem to shake is the loss and wanting her around. Then those thoughts lead to others. I need to be put to sleep for 20 years and wake up in a different world.
sean1970 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I had three comparatively great weeks about a month ago and it suddenly all fell apart again. Think it had something to do with the fact I was getting close to this girl but it didn't work out in the end. Far too early. I have found this to be the case as well... I have had a very hard time getting close to any woman since no matter how attractive or how interested they may be... I have been honest with them and they have understood.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 How long since you and your ex split? It's 4 months for me and I'm nowhere near feeling ready to meet someone else, I can't even imagine it, and I'm not into one night stands (nothing against them, they're just not for me). My relationship lasted 18 years, so maybe healing takes longer the longer the relationship was. I have found this to be the case as well... I have had a very hard time getting close to any woman since no matter how attractive or how interested they may be... I have been honest with them and they have understood.
nobleguy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 How long since you and your ex split? It's 4 months for me and I'm nowhere near feeling ready to meet someone else, I can't even imagine it, and I'm not into one night stands (nothing against them, they're just not for me). My relationship lasted 18 years, so maybe healing takes longer the longer the relationship was. For me, only three and a half months. I've met a few women and got on with a couple, had a one night stand. None of it has made me feel any better. I'm seeing this lady periodically who is really really nice but she just doesn't make me feel happy. It's more a case of having something to do or someone to be with. We all know who the person is that would make it all better don't we?
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