HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I don't know what to do, my real life friends mostly think my ex just needs time out from our relationship (he left me 4 months ago after 18 years due to my neglect), and that it's ok to have a bit of hope about us as long as I don't pin everything on it as he may or may not ever want to try again. They say don't make any fixed plans of NC, and that if I feel I need space so I can try to let go (plus it may make him see what's he missing, give him time and space to reflect on things) just do it a day at a time, but see him if need be. Some friends say don't not see him as they think we may be able to rebuild. My best friend HATED her bf for months before she dumped him, and for a while after, but they went NC for one or two months and then gradually started meeting and getting closer again, they just needed space apart to reflect, and she has amazed herself by having feelings for him again now. It's driving me potty trying to decide what to do for the best. We've certainly never hated each other, totally the opposite. This conflicting advice is confusing me
stace79 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I don't have an answer but I can sympathize. Everyone I know, including friends of his and his parents, have said time heals all wounds and that he is confused and needs space and time to heal. He wants to be friends only, and doesn't want to make any sort of promise or give me any kind of false hope of reconciling our romantic R. On one hand, I want to be there for him as a friend to show him that I respect his needs/wishes and that I care for him so much. On the other hand, if I'm always available to talk to as a friend he may not miss me like you mentioned or I may continue hurting myself. I see both sides of the argument and I guess we do just have to take it day by day and see what happens. Just wanted you to know I'm with you in the confusion.
boogieboy Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Unfortunately since he left you, you have no control over what goes on between you two, he does. Your best bet is to wait for him to contact you, when hes ready...and he might never be. If you contact him before he's ready you will set him back. So like your friends said, dont wait for him, and move on for now.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I could have written this message! I hope things work out for you I don't have an answer but I can sympathize. Everyone I know, including friends of his and his parents, have said time heals all wounds and that he is confused and needs space and time to heal. He wants to be friends only, and doesn't want to make any sort of promise or give me any kind of false hope of reconciling our romantic R. On one hand, I want to be there for him as a friend to show him that I respect his needs/wishes and that I care for him so much. On the other hand, if I'm always available to talk to as a friend he may not miss me like you mentioned or I may continue hurting myself. I see both sides of the argument and I guess we do just have to take it day by day and see what happens. Just wanted you to know I'm with you in the confusion.
stace79 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I could have written this message! I hope things work out for you Here's hoping things work out for BOTH of us. I was only with my SO for nearly four years -- I cannot imagine the anguish of losing an 18-year partner.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Before he left he said he was terrified of losing me altogether, we have met at least once a week since he left. I have control over when we meet, he has made it clear many times he wants to see me (as friends), he invites me over, I invite him here etc, recently I said I needed space-giving me total control when we meet. Unfortunately since he left you, you have no control over what goes on between you two, he does. Your best bet is to wait for him to contact you, when hes ready...and he might never be. If you contact him before he's ready you will set him back. So like your friends said, dont wait for him, and move on for now.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Thanks hun Here's hoping things work out for BOTH of us. I was only with my SO for nearly four years -- I cannot imagine the anguish of losing an 18-year partner.
stace79 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Before he left he said he was terrified of losing me altogether, we have met at least once a week since he left. I have control over when we meet, he has made it clear many times he wants to see me (as friends), he invites me over, I invite him here etc, recently I said I needed space-giving me total control when we meet. I wish I could see my ex -- he's six hours away. I'd give anything for just a hug.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 My ex won't let us hug though he says it would complicate things, it's torture. Like having a big cake in front of you but you can't have any We used to be so huggy and affectionate, we can't touch at all now. I wish I could see my ex -- he's six hours away. I'd give anything for just a hug.
stace79 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 My ex won't let us hug though he says it would complicate things, it's torture. Like having a big cake in front of you but you can't have any We used to be so huggy and affectionate, we can't touch at all now. Ugh. That is torture. We were very affectionate, too, and he wouldn't let me come visit him b/c he says he knows we'd just end up back together and he's not ready for that now, maybe not ever. Keep posting -- for support and b/c I'm interested in what happens with you!
GrayClouds Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 The only thing you can influence at this point is you. Focus on making your self great and figuring out why you behaved the way you did in the relationship. That is hard work. But if you do it and he does want to try, you will have change and wont repeat the mistake. If he doesn't your next relationship will have a fighting chance.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Before he left he said he was terrified of losing me altogether, we have met at least once a week since he left. I have control over when we meet, he has made it clear many times he wants to see me (as friends), he invites me over, I invite him here etc, recently I said I needed space-giving me total control when we meet. Great! Because it sounds like he's just stringing you along selfishly. He's terrified of losing you altogether yet he won't let you hug and so he wants to see you but not really be with you? ugh. Don't keep seeing him and allowing him to get his fill of you, yet you not get your fill of him. If that's all he wants out of a relationship, and he's getting those needs met... fine. But that's not all you want. You want more, and he's not giving more. It's like hitting a dead end, over and over. If he's not offering you the relationship you want, you're going to have to move on. NC. Begin the real coping process. That's how I see it. With tough love, Ms. Joolie
stace79 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Great! Because it sounds like he's just stringing you along selfishly. He's terrified of losing you altogether yet he won't let you hug and so he wants to see you but not really be with you? ugh. Don't keep seeing him and allowing him to get his fill of you, yet you not get your fill of him. If that's all he wants out of a relationship, and he's getting those needs met... fine. But that's not all you want. You want more, and he's not giving more. It's like hitting a dead end, over and over. If he's not offering you the relationship you want, you're going to have to move on. NC. Begin the real coping process. That's how I see it. With tough love, Ms. Joolie Most of the time I agree with this advice. But in our two cases, we are the cause of the break up, so we are somewhat earning trust back, or something like that.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I guess I have too much pride to try and earn my trust back. I broke off the relationship several times with my ex... he didn't really trust me toward the end, and never felt assured of my love. That's what finally broke it off in September. He wavered on me, then I broke it off... I told him that because he didn't trust me then he should find someone he trusts. And I've been to proud to go back on my word, or to earn my trust with him again. My view was that the TRUST was ruined, by MY FAULT, and I had to accept that. I had to move on. I don't know that you can rebuild trust. I didn't even try.
stace79 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I guess I have too much pride to try and earn my trust back. I broke off the relationship several times with my ex... he didn't really trust me toward the end, and never felt assured of my love. That's what finally broke it off in September. He wavered on me, then I broke it off... I told him that because he didn't trust me then he should find someone he trusts. And I've been to proud to go back on my word, or to earn my trust with him again. My view was that the TRUST was ruined, by MY FAULT, and I had to accept that. I had to move on. I don't know that you can rebuild trust. I didn't even try. I think it depends on the circumstances. I love my ex-fiance so much -- I'll do whatever it takes to make him comfortable again, esp b/c he admits he still loves me as much as the day he proposed. If both people have love there, and something traumatic happened, I think it can be repaired. But I think it depends on individual situations. It might not be right for everyone.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I think it depends on the circumstances. I love my ex-fiance so much -- I'll do whatever it takes to make him comfortable again, esp b/c he admits he still loves me as much as the day he proposed. If both people have love there, and something traumatic happened, I think it can be repaired. But I think it depends on individual situations. It might not be right for everyone. I think you're right about the circumstances. I mean, HoH was with this man for 18 years, and here you are talking about an ex-fiance! Yes, those are deeper relationships than my 3-yr on and off fiasco. (I was going through too much to have a relationship, he knew that and still held on...long story) I've never been in that situation... sheesh. I'm no help then. But I still don't see "repairing trust" very attractive. I guess I'd still be too proud... but still can't relate.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I do appreciate your input hun and I know you want what is best for me I am most likely a fool, but I guess I am just feeling my way day by day as I go along. I think you're right about the circumstances. I mean, HoH was with this man for 18 years, and here you are talking about an ex-fiance! Yes, those are deeper relationships than my 3-yr on and off fiasco. (I was going through too much to have a relationship, he knew that and still held on...long story) I've never been in that situation... sheesh. I'm no help then. But I still don't see "repairing trust" very attractive. I guess I'd still be too proud... but still can't relate.
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