i was raped

[exotic_angel]

tank u for all the support and advice.

i am going to check out the RAINN ting u mentioned daisy.

and the ting is he doesn't see wat he does as rape. i wish that there was a better way of dealing wit this. like not having to take legal action. i don't care about his protection or reputation and i am avoiding him as much as possible.

[jlr]

and the ting is he doesn't see wat he does as rape

 

Well, he can be delusional all he wants. After all, he's not a reasonable person - look at what he did. Doing something sexual with someone who says no, is rape. It's not hard. It's pretty simple. If someone says no to your advances, and your proceed with it - it's rape.

 

Ignoring this and acting naive about it all - it's not going to help anyone, most of all, you. It will come back to haunt you, unless you take it by the horns and deal with it now.

 

I know it's easier said than done. I'm sure this was extremely difficult for you. But alerting the authorities is something you need to do. At the very, very least, you need to tell your friends about this. They need to know what he did here, especially your best friend.

 

This madness needs to stop, and you can do it. We believe in you. Stop this jackass from hurting someone else.

[kickintheaz]

most rapists don't see it as rape. He violated you without consent. Its B&W.

 

Talk to RAINN, they will guide you through it.

 

The only other way to deal with it is a course of action one cannot (nor will I )advocate.

 

Believe me legal is the best way to deal with him and talking is best way for you..

 

Mind yourself angel, start today, the sooner you begin the sooner you can begin to heal.

[CaliGuy]

a. Go to the police.

b. Why didn't you tell your friend the first time? He's a piece of crap!

c. Why would you EVER, EVER let the guy in your house or be around him?

d. This isn't your fault that he's a pig, so do the right thing and turn him in.

[CarrieT]

EA, we haven't heard from you in a while on this issue...

 

Have you told the police, your friends, or your family yet?

 

We are still here for you and hope you are doing well in your healing.

[exotic_angel]

i actually spoke it out loud to a mutual friend.

she cried wen i told her.

but her advice was to pull the pieces together and heal. stay away from him and try to forget about it.

she knows his power.

it's getting better. i have managed to avoid him on 4 occasions so far.

i don't tink about it.

i know this reply is disappointing but i cant go through wit this.

at least not now. it will get better i know.

[CarrieT]

EA, I am a rape victim. The first two times, I did and said nothing. And those men went on to rape again. Finally, after the third time, I went to the police. And that man was arrested. Keeping it to yourself does NOT make it easier. Sharing it and reporting it makes the healing better.

 

I wish there was something compelling I could say to get you to report what happened to you to the authorities. Because I know how hard it is and why you want to keep it to yourself to try and heal.

 

Please read this recent article on two women who experienced rape and how it affected them years later: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/11/15/MN551AK5VK.DTL. This was in reaction to the high-school girl who was gang-raped in Richmond, California. One of the women in the article didn't tell anyone for 15 years about her rape.

 

I beg of you -- do not let this man stay on the street. He WILL rape someone else if you don't help stop him. Do not let him do to another what he did to you.

 

Please.

[2sunny]

telling the truth does a number of things to begin the healing for YOU:

 

it gives you back the power he took away

it allows others to understand the truth of his actions

it allows other women not to be at risk for suck a man (if that's what you call him)

the truth begins the healing that you will need

it allows you to quit pretending

it simplifies the process necessary that you need to stay safe

it exposes him for what he is - and hopefully changes things for your best friend

 

 

can you see the GOOD that can come from telling the truth about him? to keep it a secret continues to give him the power to do this again, not only to you - but to others as well in the future. i'd be willing to bet money you aren't the only gal he's done this with. you might be surprised.

 

either way, the healing can begin when he quit giving him the power over you and your actions. just avoiding a gathering gives him an enormous amount of power right there.

 

on a side note, this seems to always revolve around drinking, you may want to consider staying away from the alcohol as well - since it seems to be a basis of troubled situations when you gather. to stay away from it will give you the clarity you need to heal.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, PLEASE go to the police about this man, he can't be allowed to carry on and rape others.

 

 

EA, I am a rape victim. The first two times, I did and said nothing. And those men went on to rape again. Finally, after the third time, I went to the police. And that man was arrested. Keeping it to yourself does NOT make it easier. Sharing it and reporting it makes the healing better.

 

I wish there was something compelling I could say to get you to report what happened to you to the authorities. Because I know how hard it is and why you want to keep it to yourself to try and heal.

 

Please read this recent article on two women who experienced rape and how it affected them years later: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/11/15/MN551AK5VK.DTL. This was in reaction to the high-school girl who was gang-raped in Richmond, California. One of the women in the article didn't tell anyone for 15 years about her rape.

 

I beg of you -- do not let this man stay on the street. He WILL rape someone else if you don't help stop him. Do not let him do to another what he did to you.

 

Please.

[Ariadne]

contact the authorities.

 

Press charges...

 

call the cops.

 

call the cops?

 

go to the police.

 

Go to the police.

 

Please go to the police.

 

GO TO THE POLICE...

 

Call the cops.

 

you must let the police know.

 

a. Go to the police.

 

I find this so disempowering...

 

"Call the cops"

 

What are the cops going to do? Put this guy in jail for a while? It's all fear.

 

This guy is not a rapist. He is a molester.

 

He started by little and he kept escalating it to the point that she is now putting up with physical pain.

 

She is an adult acting like an abused child.

 

She should have seen this guy for what he was from the very beginning, and put a stop to it or cut him off. Instead, she is pretending that everything is alright and forcing herself to be nice to him.

 

That is exactly what is enticing to him.

 

Everyone should see it..

 

Instead, whenever there is a personal problem the first thing people think of is to call a third party: Call the police, call the counselors.

 

There are always going to be guys like this one, and the cops are not going to put them all away in jail for you people.

[GorillaTheater]

I find this so disempowering...

 

"Call the cops"

 

What are the cops going to do? Put this guy in jail for a while? It's all fear.

 

This guy is not a rapist. He is a molester.

 

He started by little and he kept escalating it to the point that she is now putting up with physical pain.

 

She is an adult acting like an abused child.

 

She should have seen this guy for what he was from the very beginning, and put a stop to it or cut him off. Instead, she is pretending that everything is alright and forcing herself to be nice to him.

 

That is exactly what is enticing to him.

 

Everyone should see it..

 

Instead, whenever there is a personal problem the first thing people think of is to call a third party: Call the police, call the counselors.

 

There are always going to be guys like this one, and the cops are not going to put them all away in jail for you people.

 

Is there ever a reason to call the cops in Ariadne-land? I agree that the OP has to rethink her entire range of behavior towards this guy as well as her concerns over the thoughts and feelings of others as far as reporting the rape, but I'm sympathetic: I understand the allure of pushing horrific circumstances into a back corner of your mind, despite the common sense of dealing with a situation appropriately.

 

But to suggest that focusing the lights of the justice system is somehow "disempowering" and the wrong approach is wrong and irresponsible. This guy belongs in jail and deserves to suffer the consequences for his actions.

[CarrieT]

What are the cops going to do? Put this guy in jail for a while? It's all fear.

 

He may not get jail time, but he would be registered as a sex offender which would ruin his life and potentially keep him from doing this to another woman.

 

And THAT is what is important. To stop the violence against women in this fashion, regardless if you call it molestation or rape. It was wrong and he needs to be held accountable.

 

By the OP remaining silent, she is leaving the door open to him hurting another woman. And another and another and another.

 

My god, if I had not been so abused and raped in my teens, it is likely I would be more able to have a healthy, satisfying relationship instead of posting on a board like this about how many sex partners I have to go to try and get personal validation because that is the general cycle of rape victims...

[Ariadne]

Is there ever a reason to call the cops in Ariadne-land?...the justice system is somehow "disempowering" and the wrong approach is wrong and irresponsible

 

Yes, I stay well away from the judiciary system.

 

I think that when people have to deal with courts or the police are in serious trouble already.

[Ariadne]

My god, if I had not been so abused and raped in my teens, it is likely I would be more able to have a healthy, satisfying relationship

 

Sorry about that.

 

I think that if you had known how to deal with this situation then this wouldn't have happened.

 

The solution is not to take all these guys away from the street because there will always be more to come.

[GorillaTheater]

Yes, I stay well away from the judiciary system.

 

I think that when people have to deal with courts or the police are in serious trouble already.

 

You have the last part right. So what's your solution for those in serious trouble, who've been raped/robbed/beaten/molested? What do we do with murderers?

[Ariadne]

You have the last part right. So what's your solution for those in serious trouble, who've been raped/robbed/beaten/molested? What do we do with murderers?

 

Well, the problem is that things escalate.

 

Murderers... not kill them at least.

[GorillaTheater]

Well, the problem is that things escalate.

 

Murderers... not kill them at least.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm on the verge of threadjacking, but on the other hand I think this IS very pertinent for the OP to understand, so I want you to answer my question: if the criminal justice system is not the answer, what is?

[Ariadne]

I want you to answer my question: if the criminal justice system is not the answer, what is?

 

I was thinking about your question. If I were robbed... would I want those people in jail?

 

And I don't think I do. I'd think I was unlucky to have gotten robbed and hope they don't come back again.

 

It gives people comfort, and so far I suppose I've been lucky not to deal with them.

 

In the case of the OP, it definitely does not need the police.

 

The guy was pushing the limits all along and she was allowing it in a very naive way.

 

I'd say lesson learned.

[GorillaTheater]

I was thinking about your question. If I were robbed... would I want those people in jail?

 

And I don't think I do. I'd think I was unlucky to have gotten robbed and hope they don't come back again.

 

It gives people comfort, and so far I suppose I've been lucky not to deal with them.

 

In the case of the OP, it definitely does not need the police.

 

The guy was pushing the limits all along and she was allowing it in a very naive way.

 

I'd say lesson learned.

 

Wow. I've spent some time trying to wrap my head around your reply, and the best I can do is surmise that principles such as "consequences for one's actions" and deterence (both for the criminal himself and for people in general) play little if any role in how you're approaching this. I doubt if I can convince you otherwise. But I will leave you with this: both the criminal and civil systems were intended in large part to replace "self help", to provide an alternative to people attacking those who've wronged them in some way. If a person is raped, and say a few months later deals with the situation by shooting her attacker, is that better or worse than going to the police? Why? Then add to the equation the fact that she also shoots an innocent bystander. What recourse should that person have?

 

The legal system is often flawed, sometimes hugely so. But it beats the alternatives: anarchy or perhaps even worse, apathy.

[Ariadne]

principles such as "consequences for one's actions" and deterence (both for the criminal himself and for people in general) play little if any role in how you're approaching this

 

They do actually.

 

The action is that the robbers robbed and got a bunch of stuff.

 

The consequence is that I got robbed and lost my stuff.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm guessing you're either very young and/or very naive

 

 

I was thinking about your question. If I were robbed... would I want those people in jail?

 

And I don't think I do. I'd think I was unlucky to have gotten robbed and hope they don't come back again.

 

It gives people comfort, and so far I suppose I've been lucky not to deal with them.

 

In the case of the OP, it definitely does not need the police.

 

The guy was pushing the limits all along and she was allowing it in a very naive way.

 

I'd say lesson learned.

[jlr]

In the case of the OP, it definitely does not need the police.

 

The guy was pushing the limits all along and she was allowing it in a very naive way.

 

I'd say lesson learned.

I strongly disagree. Are you a passive aggressive? Your basically saying that it's her fault. You're putting the blame on her. That's ****ed up. In your example of a robber, you're saying it's your fault for being in the wrong place? Seriously? No one has a right to steal anyone's ****, no matter what the circumstances. And no one has a right to touch someone who doesn't want to be touched, NO MATTER WHAT. You have the same rationale as the dude who did this to her. I think your advice is very unproductive for her.

 

As for you Exotic Angel, I'm glad you told someone. But I think if you're not going to the police, you need to tell your friend who's dating him, and you need to seek counseling too. Maybe you can work out whether you should go to the police during that process. But saying you're fine, you avoid him, you're not thinking about it - sorry, but that's just you still being scared. It's time to do something about this instead of letting it fester. It will affect your future relationships, it will affect your emotional state. You can do this.

[Ariadne]

I'm guessing you're either very young and/or very naive

 

Well,

 

In reality I don't own that many things, and whatever they can steal... TV, computer, I can replace realtively easy. Probably even upgrade.

 

I don't think it's right to ruin someone's life/deprive of freedom for something like this.

[Ariadne]

Your basically saying that it's her fault. You're putting the blame on her.

 

No, what happened was because of the guy's horniness and pervasion.

 

She didn't know how to put a stop. It is not her fault.

[jlr]

Well,

 

In reality I don't own that many things, and whatever they can steal... TV, computer, I can replace realtively easy. Probably even upgrade.

 

I don't think it's right to ruin someone's life/deprive of freedom for something like this.

 

Well, whoopdie doo for you. Not everyone has such fortune.

 

But stealing is against the law. So when you do it, you know the consequences for such an action. So a thief ruins their own life and deprives their own freedom when they CHOOSE to make a bad decision.

 

Same goes for the guy who did this to her. He CHOSE to do this. Therefore, he should pay the consequences for it. What he did is not acceptable, or even legal.

 

Do you want people who commit crimes to not be punished? That makes no sense.

 

I guess we should all rob you since you don't care about it too much. You can just buy more stuff...