Mini-Me Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Hello, let's get started, shall we? I am a 40ish divirced father, who 3 years ago moved into a house in a nice family oriented neighborhood. Things were going well, and I was dating a girl and we started to break up shortly after. I quickly made friends with all of the neighbors, had cookouts, organized get togethers for 4th of July, Halloween etc.. I became really good friends with the neighbors across the street. I would be invited to dinner at least once a week, if not twice. Over the last couple of years, my friendship with the MW grew and grew, BUT, that's all it was. She just happened to be a female. I just always saw her as the "neighbor". I worked from home, so I was always around. We would talk alot. Anything :personal" was usually about me, and my breakup. But I know we talked alot about inane stuff that somehow intertwined with us personally.. She would always help me "organize" the neighborhood stuff, and would ALWAYS hang around me when I was cooking to learn little things. She would call me for recipes. She would call me to see if I had some "fill in the blank______". She would always call.. before I go further, let me just say this about her, she is as sweet and everyday as you could imagine. Very much into her family, into church etc, so what is coming next shocked me to the core.. One day last April, we were just talking about "who knows what" when she looks at me and said, "I am SO in love with you" BAAAAM! It took me a couple of days to let this sink in, and I told her (she was about to go on a family vacation for a week) that she needs to think about what she just said, and we will talk when she gets back. Well, she got back and ALL she thought about was ME. So we talked, and talked and talked.. I learned alot about her and her relationship with her H (I will stop at that, and NO, he is not an abusive monster, just everything typical and normal for the most part). One day, I realized that she became **** the woman in my eyes. Not just the neighbor. I had fallen in love with her too.. Things moved so fast, the Emotional Affair I guess... So, unlike most, she decided to do something about it. She started IC, and has gone ever since (2 months or so). Well, when this started, the H freaked. he has realized that his wife is missing and has been for a while. He starts digging, and what were "innocent" phone records werent so innocent anymore. All of their issues now became MY fault, no matter how long ago the were, YEARS before I had even met them.. I moved. Now I am not the neighbor, and we are in NC. And that is fine. I dont want to be the "big bad wolf". I dont want to be the "excuse" to why they are having problems. I dont want to be "minimized" anymore. although, she has assured me that she won't do that, but I know it has happened. And yes, I hurt, yes I miss her, but no way do I want to be a part of that mess... SO, (I know I am all over the map here) but what I don't know is HOW she could have gotten there with me, and more so, HOW can she just go NC like I was never there in the first place? I know her IC has the "play book" and I know that they were supposed to write me the NC letter (or email) but she said she wouldnt... I ran into her at the grocery store 3 weeks ago, and man did she cry.... She was shaking. her H knows everytime we talk, and he told her that he gave me a week before I "tracked her down".. WTF?? I was just going to the store. This is when I got mad and said, "listen, you better back me up here, I did NOT track you down, I am buying some damn milk...." That is the last time I saw or heard from her... anyway, for now, thank you, and again, I apologize for the long post... Mini-Me
Alpha Female Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Why did you move? Was it because things had gotten sticky with her? It sounds like she has decided to try and work on her M. Who knows what that means, or how successful it may or may not end up being. I thought you said you were NC, yet you said her H knows every time you talk. So are you still communicating with her, or not at all?
Author Mini-Me Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Why did you move? Was it because things had gotten sticky with her? It sounds like she has decided to try and work on her M. Who knows what that means, or how successful it may or may not end up being. I thought you said you were NC, yet you said her H knows every time you talk. So are you still communicating with her, or not at all? no, we are not talking... this was when things started to become obvious. he would tell her that he caould "tell" that she had talked to me or had seen me "because she was HAPPY"..
2sure Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Your a good guy. Not prone to drama. Have common sense. But human too...I get that. Dont even try to make sense of this. You are doing all of the right things. Even at 40ish we continue to benefit from lessons and errors. Just keep moving forward and AWAY.
Alpha Female Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 no, we are not talking... this was when things started to become obvious. he would tell her that he caould "tell" that she had talked to me or had seen me "because she was HAPPY".. I see. Why did you move?
Author Mini-Me Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I see. Why did you move? a couple of reasons, and yes, this was one of them..
Alpha Female Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Mini - what would you like to happen with all of this? Do you have an outcome in mind?
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 It seems her husband isn't ready to point the finger at her completely and right now it's easier for him to blame you. Problem is, because you all were neighbours, this makes it harder for everyone involved. Mini-Me, take care of you. This situation is a ticking bomb, so make sure to keep the NC going. If you run into the MW, don't talk to her. Cross the street, walk the other way. It's OK to miss her, miss what you two shared, but because the friendship turned into an EA, it's going to be impossible (for so many reasons) to stay friends. A clean break has to happen, even if it hurts! Sorry you're hurting. Keep busy and reach out to your friends and family.
Author Mini-Me Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Thanks all for the replies... I know what I need to do, and I am doing it.. I wonder, what is SHE going through? But, there is no answer that any one can give me but her, and I am not going to get that answer.. Just today, I am driving down the road and hear some new Rob Thomas song, 'Someday", and man o man did that mess me up.... to answer your question Alpha, "what would I like to happen out of all of this"? I would like her to be happy, and I would like me to be happy.... that's all I can say....
Author Mini-Me Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I guess what is confusing to me is this: how can a person, a woman, a good woman at that, sit there and tell you how in love she is with you, how she loves you like she has loved no body else, how the feelings inside her are feelings she has never felt, how all of the sharing, the growing the learning, how every song has meaning now, how blah, blah, blah and then............................ here we are
ladydesigner Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I guess what is confusing to me is this: how can a person, a woman, a good woman at that, sit there and tell you how in love she is with you, how she loves you like she has loved no body else, how the feelings inside her are feelings she has never felt, how all of the sharing, the growing the learning, how every song has meaning now, how blah, blah, blah and then............................ here we are (((Mini-Me))) You are not alone. These affairs suck the life out of you. When I had my A it was one of the most confusing times of my life. I'm out of mine 1.5 years now. It gets better, take care of yourself.
Author Mini-Me Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 (((Mini-Me))) You are not alone. These affairs suck the life out of you. When I had my A it was one of the most confusing times of my life. I'm out of mine 1.5 years now. It gets better, take care of yourself. Thanks, I will be OK.. just dont understand how this can happen.. I mean, she gave herself to me, she gave her heart to me.....
Lizzie60 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Humm... this was only about 6 months ago.. so the EA only lasted about 3-4 months.. Maybe, when she dropped the 'I'm so in love with you' .. she really believe it at THAT moment.. she was probably in 'love' with what you represented to her.. the ideal husband.. social, good cook, etc.. all things maybe her H wasn't.. (assumption). Then, she later realized that it was only a 'fantasy' and that she would not give away her M, her comfortable life, kids, etc.. for a 'fantasy'... That's my feeling.
Author Mini-Me Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Humm... this was only about 6 months ago.. so the EA only lasted about 3-4 months.. Maybe, when she dropped the 'I'm so in love with you' .. she really believe it at THAT moment.. she was probably in 'love' with what you represented to her.. the ideal husband.. social, good cook, etc.. all things maybe her H wasn't.. (assumption). Then, she later realized that it was only a 'fantasy' and that she would not give away her M, her comfortable life, kids, etc.. for a 'fantasy'... That's my feeling. mine too, and that is OK.. I am glad to be seen as the "ideal" husband, social, good cook, etc... I just don't get where SHE has gone too if that was the case. I mean, all of the things that we talked about, meaning all of the "personal" stuff... I HATE that that gets "wasted" on someone that it ends up not mattering, that they can't carry with them.. it's complete BULL
Alpha Female Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Mini - I dont doubt she genuinely meant all those things. But what I have come to realize is that when it comes to actually pulling the trigger, its not that easy for some married people. Ive spoken elsewhere on here about a close friend who was a MM and had an 8 year affair with a MW. He finally left his W for her, and she couldnt do it. He left behind two kids, and did so because he knew his M was a sham, and his heart was really with this MW. I am convinced she felt the same way, but when it came down to it, she couldnt leave her H. Not because she loved him, or preferred him, but because she was religious, came from a large family, lived in a small town, etc., and felt the public recrimination would be too much for her to bear. People make choices like this all the time. Doesnt negate what they felt for you. Just means they often dont have the strength to pull it off.
Author Mini-Me Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Mini - I dont doubt she genuinely meant all those things. But what I have come to realize is that when it comes to actually pulling the trigger, its not that easy for some married people. Ive spoken elsewhere on here about a close friend who was a MM and had an 8 year affair with a MW. He finally left his W for her, and she couldnt do it. He left behind two kids, and did so because he knew his M was a sham, and his heart was really with this MW. I am convinced she felt the same way, but when it came down to it, she couldnt leave her H. Not because she loved him, or preferred him, but because she was religious, came from a large family, lived in a small town, etc., and felt the public recrimination would be too much for her to bear. People make choices like this all the time. Doesnt negate what they felt for you. Just means they often dont have the strength to pull it off. that's cool, I get it.. Just so much to be lost no matter which way she chooses (or chose). Our freindship was dear, and now it is gone.. There was SO much sweetness, way before this turned into the EA monster.... I just miss her
Alpha Female Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 that's cool, I get it.. Just so much to be lost no matter which way she chooses (or chose). Our freindship was dear, and now it is gone.. There was SO much sweetness, way before this turned into the EA monster.... I just miss her I know. You get used to the companionship, even when you didnt realize at the time you were so involved emotionally. I agree she loses much by staying. To me, if someone can push things to where she did with you, or further into a PA, then they are kidding themselves that theyve suddenly seen the light and now realize how happy they are with their spouse. I dont think affairs do anything to strengthen a M, in fact I think even when a spouse stays like this MW did, they are kidding themselves and trying to convince themselves theyve made the right choice. If its any consolation, you sound like a delightful man with a good head on his shoulders. I dont think youll last long on the open market.
Author Mini-Me Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 I know. You get used to the companionship, even when you didnt realize at the time you were so involved emotionally. I agree she loses much by staying. To me, if someone can push things to where she did with you, or further into a PA, then they are kidding themselves that theyve suddenly seen the light and now realize how happy they are with their spouse. I dont think affairs do anything to strengthen a M, in fact I think even when a spouse stays like this MW did, they are kidding themselves and trying to convince themselves theyve made the right choice. If its any consolation, you sound like a delightful man with a good head on his shoulders. I dont think youll last long on the open market. well, thank you... She IS very active in IC, and I don't know if it ever turned into MC.. as of 3 weeks ago (after 5 weeks of IC) it had'nt.. the words were "bring him in", meaning the H when it was time. They have a LONG history she is trying to deal with. Of course I recognize I was "fresh, exciting and new" (like the Love Boat), but sh*t, we are adults... c'mon man!
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Thanks, I will be OK.. just dont understand how this can happen.. I mean, she gave herself to me, she gave her heart to me..... And I'm sure her husband doesn't understand how it could happen since she said vows to him..She gave herself to him, her heart too..I assume she has children as well? If so, she created a family with someone and betrayed him in the worst possible way. I'm not minimizing your feelings, I'm trying to get you to see that she's far from perfect and has made alot of selfish choices which is now blown up and hurt alot of people. I guess what is confusing to me is this: how can a person, a woman, a good woman at that, sit there and tell you how in love she is with you, how she loves you like she has loved no body else, how the feelings inside her are feelings she has never felt, how all of the sharing, the growing the learning, how every song has meaning now, how blah, blah, blah and then............................ Inappropriately...She had NO right to do that. She was and still is, in no position to lead you on, lead herself on and give you hope. It was WRONG of her to say that stuff to you..Though I'm sure she meant it at the time.. She's a married woman, reguardless of her marital issues or what's going on inside of her - Starting/planning a life with someone else while still married - People get hurt and everyone loses. She got caught up in the romance, the fun/fantasy of it all..Emotions/feelings that she probably hasn't felt in years. People get addicted to that. Aka how affairs start.
MizzBlue72 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I'm sorry for you .... sorry to see you had to move too. Stay strong. I say move on and upward.
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