Econ_Dagney Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Hi, So, the problem is both simple and complicated at the same time. Background: My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and I am 16 weeks pregnant with our first child. My husband was divorced for 2 years before we met, but he was still in contact with his ex-wife and her daughter. The ex-wife and step-daughter even spent Christmas with his family the year before he and I started dating. He may have still been sleeping with his ex-wife at that point (Christmas) but that was 6 months before we became involved. When he and I started dating the ex was fine with it, but when we got engaged she freaked out. She basically decided to restrict his access to her daughter anymore and that I was a slut stealing her husband. Once again I would like to reiterate that they were divorced before we met. The ex-wife told my husband that he was a horrible father and that she didn't want her daughter anywhere near us. My husband was actually great to her daughter. He was warm, affectionate, and provided for her financially. I think that the ex-wife was angry because she finally realised what it actually means to be divorced. My husband hasn't seen his step-daughter in over 4 years. He let it go because he had no legal claim to the girl His marriage to his ex was 5 years long, but they only lived in the same house for 1.5 years. They had a whole love-hate thing going on, and she started hating him again when he married me. Things have calmed down since then. The ex-wife sends occasional emails with updates about her daughter. Although she never admitted she was wrong for how she acted before, 2 years ago she asked my husband if he could spend some time with her daughter while he was in town for the holidays (we live in another state). He never contacted his step-daughter that holiday. He didn't want to be dragged into any drama with her mother. The ex gave her daughter my husband's email address afterwards and the 2 have been free to contact each other for the past 2 years. The ex-wife and her daughter email my husband from time to time, but he doesn't respond regularly and he never initiates contact with either of them. The step-daughter sometimes asks for money for school, clothes and Christmas presents, and my husband usually sends her what she asks for. I have had discussions with him about this because I don't feel that sending checks in the mail is the same as parenting. I don't have a problem with him helping her out, I just don't see why he can't be more involved now that the dust has settled with his ex. Last year we found out that her mother never told her when we got married. He never brought me up in any of their emails because he thought it would be a tricky subject to discuss with a teenager, but he assumed that she knew until she started asking him why things didn't work out with her mom, and making comments about how her mom was single and asking if he still cared about her mother. She thought there was a chance that she could have her family back. Now she knows that we're married and have been for 4 years.Ever since she's gotten the news she's stopped asking for his financial=fatherly help, and has sent these emails about understanding that there's nothing that ties them together anymore. She sent this one email saying that she guesses that she won't get an opportunity to see anyone in his family again. My husband's youngest brother is getting married this weekend. The ex- step-daughter wasn't invited out of respect for me, and that makes me feel like crap because I know that she would have loved to have gone to her "uncle's" wedding. I know that I didn't create this situation because I never excluded her from my husband's family, but what her mother did is hurting her. She feels like my husband and his family just rejected her because he moved on. The problem: I know that the ex-wife realises how she has wronged her daughter by kicking this man out of her life. The step-daughter has written about missing her family (his mother, brothers, sister, and father). She is 16 now and she misses being a part of my husband's family life. Her mother took that away from her. Do I have a right to give her access to his family again? Or, should I just leave things alone. I have been contemplating contacting her mother and asking if she would like to send her daughter to visit with my husband's family just after Christmas. I was hoping that my husband could break the news about my pregnancy to his step-daughter, and offer her a place in the baby's life as like a big sister of sorts. (Is that crossing a line?) Will my kindness backfire? He was planning on telling the ex-wife and daughter about the pregnancy in emails. I know. I know. It's like he's compartmentalized his whole relationship with them. He could never do that to his own child, but he was so hurt by what the ex-wife did that he just buried his relationship with the both of them. Anyways, I think it would be good for them (husband and step-daughter) both to see one another again, and I know that she would enjoy seeing his family. Have my pregnancy hormones gone overboard? Or, is this a good idea?
flc Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I guess I am a bit confused over your post. If your husband has a daughter with his ex then of course he has parental (legal) rights and obligations for that child. It sounds like that while he was being nice he did not really exercise his rights and now you want to get the family back together, but does he? In the end the ex is a third party and at 16yo the daughter can decide for herself if she wants contact with your family. If as you say she does then I think your husband should encourage this and reestablish his relationship as this to me would be in the best interest of everyone. If the ex objects then go to court your husband has rights to be with his child.
2sure Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 It sounds very much like the ex wife was manipulating both your H and her own daughter. It sounds like now that the daughter knows more of the truth, she is willing to accept it and no longer be manipulated by her mother. She is 16, fair enough. She sounds like a nice kid. Put it out there to her. Have your H ask her if she would like to come visit he and you either for the wedding or for a visit after XMas. If her mom objects, just issuing the invitation and keeping an open door will make the girl feel connected. Its nice that you are open to this connection, she will appreciate that. A teenage girl needs these kind of connections, she reaches out... Avoid the mother to some degree, but keep the open for the daughter. Send a check once in a while. She will soon be able to come around of her own accord.
Author Econ_Dagney Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 (edited) 2 sure, thanks for your advice. I suppose it may be a bad idea to engage the ex-wife. It just breaks my heart to think that her daughter is struggling with these feelings of loss and rejection when she doesn't really have to. I'm not threatened by the step-daughter's relationship at all, and I don't mind having her become a part of my life; I never did. Flc I know my post was long. I do tend to try and explain myself thoroughly, but I am sorry if it wasn't clear that this issue involves my husband's step-daughter from a previous marriage. There is no blood relation between the two. What they do share is years of a father-daughter like relationship. He was always there for her even when things went sour with her mom. The girl has never known her biological dad because her mother kept him out of the picture. My husband has known his ex-wife's daughter since the girl was 5 years old, but been absentee from her life for the last 4 years at her mothers request. She cannot see my husband if her mother does not allow it. He has no legal standing as he never adopted her. Edited November 10, 2009 by Econ_Dagney
fooled once Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Hi, So, the problem is both simple and complicated at the same time. Background: My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and I am 16 weeks pregnant with our first child. My husband was divorced for 2 years before we met, but he was still in contact with his ex-wife and her daughter. The ex-wife and step-daughter even spent Christmas with his family the year before he and I started dating. He may have still been sleeping with his ex-wife at that point (Christmas) but that was 6 months before we became involved. When he and I started dating the ex was fine with it, but when we got engaged she freaked out. She basically decided to restrict his access to her daughter anymore and that I was a slut stealing her husband. Once again I would like to reiterate that they were divorced before we met. The ex-wife told my husband that he was a horrible father and that she didn't want her daughter anywhere near us. My husband was actually great to her daughter. He was warm, affectionate, and provided for her financially. I think that the ex-wife was angry because she finally realised what it actually means to be divorced. My husband hasn't seen his step-daughter in over 4 years. He let it go because he had no legal claim to the girl His marriage to his ex was 5 years long, but they only lived in the same house for 1.5 years. They had a whole love-hate thing going on, and she started hating him again when he married me. Things have calmed down since then. The ex-wife sends occasional emails with updates about her daughter. Although she never admitted she was wrong for how she acted before, 2 years ago she asked my husband if he could spend some time with her daughter while he was in town for the holidays (we live in another state). He never contacted his step-daughter that holiday. He didn't want to be dragged into any drama with her mother. The ex gave her daughter my husband's email address afterwards and the 2 have been free to contact each other for the past 2 years. The ex-wife and her daughter email my husband from time to time, but he doesn't respond regularly and he never initiates contact with either of them. The step-daughter sometimes asks for money for school, clothes and Christmas presents, and my husband usually sends her what she asks for. I have had discussions with him about this because I don't feel that sending checks in the mail is the same as parenting. I don't have a problem with him helping her out, I just don't see why he can't be more involved now that the dust has settled with his ex. Last year we found out that her mother never told her when we got married. He never brought me up in any of their emails because he thought it would be a tricky subject to discuss with a teenager, but he assumed that she knew until she started asking him why things didn't work out with her mom, and making comments about how her mom was single and asking if he still cared about her mother. She thought there was a chance that she could have her family back. Now she knows that we're married and have been for 4 years.Ever since she's gotten the news she's stopped asking for his financial=fatherly help, and has sent these emails about understanding that there's nothing that ties them together anymore. She sent this one email saying that she guesses that she won't get an opportunity to see anyone in his family again. My husband's youngest brother is getting married this weekend. The ex- step-daughter wasn't invited out of respect for me, and that makes me feel like crap because I know that she would have loved to have gone to her "uncle's" wedding. I know that I didn't create this situation because I never excluded her from my husband's family, but what her mother did is hurting her. She feels like my husband and his family just rejected her because he moved on. The problem: I know that the ex-wife realises how she has wronged her daughter by kicking this man out of her life. The step-daughter has written about missing her family (his mother, brothers, sister, and father). She is 16 now and she misses being a part of my husband's family life. Her mother took that away from her. Do I have a right to give her access to his family again? Or, should I just leave things alone. I have been contemplating contacting her mother and asking if she would like to send her daughter to visit with my husband's family just after Christmas. I was hoping that my husband could break the news about my pregnancy to his step-daughter, and offer her a place in the baby's life as like a big sister of sorts. (Is that crossing a line?) Will my kindness backfire? He was planning on telling the ex-wife and daughter about the pregnancy in emails. I know. I know. It's like he's compartmentalized his whole relationship with them. He could never do that to his own child, but he was so hurt by what the ex-wife did that he just buried his relationship with the both of them. Anyways, I think it would be good for them (husband and step-daughter) both to see one another again, and I know that she would enjoy seeing his family. Have my pregnancy hormones gone overboard? Or, is this a good idea? My advice? Stay out of it. Technically, your H isn't responsible in any way for his EX step-daughter. Sure, it would have been nice if he could have maintained some sort of relationship; but they were only married 5 years. He really isn't family, he isn't part of her family and he isn't responsible for her. Her mother is going to continue these games and the only ones who are going to be hurt are the EX stepdaughter and you. Your child will not be a step sibling or half sibling to her. Just let it go and leave it alone. You are beginning to nest in many ways, family is more and more important to you as you are getting ready to start your own family. But IMHO, he really should STOP sending her money. She is 16 ---- the prime age for manipulation. In addition, her mother is probably behind a lot of the "needing money" issues. At 16, she should be working and her father should be paying c/s to her mother. It is nice that your H was once a part of her life, but he has his own child on the way now. He needs to focus on that growing baby and the EX step daughter's dependence on him for money. Trust me, she still has many more years to go before the manipulation will subside. Since your H and his wife barely lived together (1.5 years) it is strange to me that his EX stepdaughter and he share this father-daughter relationship, especially since he hasn't seen her in 4 years. When the EX stepdaughter is grown and wants a relationship, that is one thing. Right now, she is still under her mother's control and since the mother is enjoying the with holding of her from him, it really isn't a can of worms you need opened to cause chaos and drama into your life. He can write her an email and let her know he will always be there for her, and he needs to tell her that you and he are starting a family. That isn't rejecting her, it is being honest with her. He has no need to hide you nor his soon to be child. Lying and withholding will do more harm than good in the long run. Good luck!!
Author Econ_Dagney Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 So, my husband sent his ex-wife's daughter a letter, along with her Christmas presents, telling her about the pregnancy. The ex-step-daughter replied with an email the same day saying that she was happy for us, but she also told her mom just as I predicted she would. Well, her mother (my husband's ex-wife) sent my husband some really angry/confusing emails about how she felt about my pregnancy. As if we care what she thinks, but anyways... First she tried to make him feel guilty about it because she can't have kids or sex which is not his fault. She had problems down there for years and had to have a hysterectomy after the divorce, she also found sex painful so never had a lot of it with him. Then, she tried to lay a guilt trip on him for not emailing her daughter more regularly saying how she's at a crucial age and complains to her mom about it. Her daughter is not my husband's biological child. He never adopted her and has only known her for like 10 years, but he's the only father-figure she has ever known. The girl doesn't have a relationship with her father because her mother never told her who he was until she was in high school. Okay, so then the ex-wife concluded that email by telling my husband that she'd always love him and care about him, but that she definitely didn't want him back. Who says that unless they actually do want the other person back? I mean seriously. Then, when he replied to the ex-wife's previous email, ignoring all the insults and her comments about always loving him, and promised to be better about emailing her daughter; she sent a slightly less nasty reply once again making about her. This time she said that when he ignored her criticisms he only made things worse, wrote about how busy she was with school (she's going to college now and I think it's because she thinks it will impress him..when he got married to me she used to send him emails about how she always knew they wouldn't work out because she didn't have an education. When the real reason they didn't work out was because he got tired of her narcissism and drama). And, she concluded the email by telling him about how her daughter keeps bugging her about a car. Now, she didn't come right out and ask him to buy her daughter a car, but how many of you out there agree that this is what she is hinting at? I believe that she is trying to use my pregnancy to guilt my husband into buying her daughter a used car, but it's not going to happen. We are expecting a child, I am in graduate school, and we are looking for a house; so there is no money for a car for her 16 year old daughter. And, who thinks the ex-wife wants him back? I'm not threatened by her. I know that my husband is not interested in her at all, but it still bothers me that she's even trying this crap. And, I hate that she's trying to make him feel guilty for moving on with his life. They've been divorced for like 6 years now, and he and I have been together for 4.5 years (married 2.5). When is she going to let go of this bitter ex routine? Should I contact her to tell her to back off? Or, do I let it go? I do trust my husband. He's not attracted to her destructive personality in any way any more, and even if he was attracted to her they could never act on it because she can't have sex without pain. I just think it's incredibly disrespectful of her to make my pregnancy all about her, and I know that he's not going to set her straight because he feels sorry for her. The woman has a lot of emotional baggage/issues and he treats her like she's this poor helpless invalid which I find completely frustrating. I just want to tell her to mind her manners and remember that he is now happily married to me! Pregnancy hormones are really getting me in the curse her out and make her cry kind of mood. Will someone talk me down or should I go for it?
Justtoodangtired Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Oh honey, I feel for you. The issues with the ex can drive a person insane. I don't want to even pretend I understand it. I don't. However, my best advice to you is, enjoy your pregnancy. Enjoy the life you have with your husband. You say you trust him, then let him handle her and deal with this. You are his wife. he seems to share everything with you. He's shown you the emails from her and seems you discuss them. So, trust in his love for you. Don't let her get to you. That would bring her immense pleasure. Your best revenge (for lack of a better word) is to live a fabulous life. Believe me, all she is doing is regretting her actions. She is realizing how she lost her husband and is living in the past. Don't go there with her. Calling her will get you nowhere. discuss their daughter. If the conversation goes anywhere else, he should direct it back to the child. I wish you the best and bet if you don't give this anymore space in your thoughts, it will make you feel much better. Good luck with your pregnancy. Congrats!
Author Econ_Dagney Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Thanks justoodogontired, You gave some sound advice. I figured that she was still stuck in the past and that maybe a part of her still likes to think that they're not really divorced and just living with a long-distance relationship. I can't think of any other way to explain her behavior. Finding out about the baby probably shattered her illusions about him leaving me and getting back together with her. She still views me as the other woman even though their marriage was legally over 2.5 years before I even met my husband. What she did was frustrating but I will take the hire road. I didn't act on the impulse. I'm not really certain how to deal with the ex, and I know that expecting her to act rationally is unrealistic. Rational people act rationally. Narcissistic drama queens think that everything is about them. I shouldn't have expected his ex-wife to respond to the news with a maturity level that she has yet to attain I guess that I will leave it at that.
Tayla Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Real simple- Contact a lawyer. Reason: Neither of you need be expected to shell out money . Your husband is under no legal obligation. A total stop to communication is necessary. Place a restraining order on the former wife (ex-wife). This sounds like it has gone too far and needs to be remedied. You have as much right as your spouse to request this order. It is an intrusion. This mother and daughter are manipulative. Blessings though on your soon to be addition! May it be healthy and joyful!
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 looks to me like they have a nice guy willing to supply them with their needs when they feel they can manipulate him enough. the fact that he hasn't shut this down before now is incredible. he can (once in a while) check in directly with this adult daughter. do not give gifts or money. he should make that clear. why does he feel it is his responsibility to provide for her? THAT is the question! there is a LOT of manipulation going on here by ALL parties - the fact that your H stays included looks very unhealthy for your M. he needs a tight boundary. one that tells them to stop using him for every thing they need - emotionally and materialistically. he has participated by pretending right along with them. HE should have told the daughter HE was now married - now with child, etc. he eliminates pertinent info so they continue to NEED him, WHY? that is what i would want to know, why does HE need them to NEED him? it will continue forever if he doesn't stop participating.
Author Econ_Dagney Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 I don't think my H needs them to need him. The ex-W just won't go away and he won't tell her to stop emailing until her daughter turns 18. He does care about her daughter. Even though he wasn't married to the mom for very long (5 years); he was with her on and off for 10 years. They dated, married, and by the end of the first year of marriage they were no longer living together. Throughout all that time he still kept in touch with her daughter, and she was allowed to spend Christmas with his family. His ex-W hated his family and would hide out in the bedroom when they had to visit his parents while the 2 were still dating/married and on amicable terms. Who goes to their in-laws house and ignores them? She did. The woman is volatile and I'm not making excuses for him, but I think that he doesn't want to leave her daughter with no-one to turn to in case things get really bad. Remember that this woman told my husband that he was a bad father when he divorced her. How would she know when they have no kids together? She asked for child support and alimony which she didn't get because they have no children together and weren't even living together the majority of their marriage. She took her daughter out of the expensive private school that my husband was paying for when he divorced her. She thought she was punishing him but really she was punishing her own daughter. The one thing she(ex) could have gotten away with was the tuition and she cut that off herself. Can anyone say stupid move, or self-destructive? He does not give any monetary support to his ex-wife or daughter, but he does send the girl Christmas gift cards. The ex-W's daughter Does she whine about wanting to see his family...especially his mom who the girl thinks of as her grandmother? Yes, but he's not about to invite her because her mother would come along as an F-you to all of us. I honestly feel sorry for the girl. Her mother is a total train wreck and from what I've heard her relatives on her mom's side are just as manipulative and money hungry. If my husband completely shut out the daughter, then she would definitely be less well off emotionally...and she'd definitely feel as though her father rejected her (despite the fact that he isn't actually her father). It's a complicated situation to be in and I'm doing my best to not make it worse but...I would have a lot more peace of mind if he put the ex-W in her place and told her to get lost. I still want to tell the ex-W to grow up and quit acting like a total B. If she wanted to get back with her ex-husband, then she should have made more of an effort before I came along. She should have gone to therapy to work on her issues. My husband and I have a happy marriage. He actually wants to come home to me every evening. He asked me when/if I would be ready to have children with him because he wanted me to be the mother of his kids. He is loving, kind, and loyal to me and genuinely has no interest in her. I want to tell his ex these things, but I know that she'd just lash out if someone brought her down to reality. A year ago her daughter told my husband that her mom still cried over him...if that's not an indication that her mother is not over him I don't know what is. She ruined her marriage and now blames everyone else, including people who were never involved in marriage or its demise.
Eve Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I would say that the main priority for the OP right now is to enjoy her pregnancy. It sounds as though the Hubby is a good person who can continue to be a good influence on the young lady in question, therefore allow this to happen away from the home. Simple as that. Distance permitting, they could meet up and do father-daughter things, even though he isnt the biological father. OP, being supportive of your Hubby in this way could stop a whole lot of drama and put you both in control of a potentially difficult transition. But I would say that being emotionally present for the coming little one is the priority here for you. Maybe later, once trust and a bond without the ex-wife getting in the way has been re-established between Hubby and young person.. maybe then she could be part of the new family. Until then, I would stay out of it. It is important for you to manage stress well right now. Take care, Eve xx
2sunny Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 sounds like he's allowed them to use him as a bank account for a lot of years. until HE wants to say no and make it stop - you will need to accept that it's a priority to him.
fooled once Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 So the ex's daughter is 16, right? And you said he has "only known her for about 10 years" - that is more than half her life. ONLY 10 years for a 16 year old? I agree with 2sunny - sounds like he has allowed this to happen because he hasn't been unfront and honest about HIS life (not that he owes them anything but it is almost as if he was hiding it). For you - stay out of it. Let him deal with HIS baggage. His issue. You - enjoy the pregnancy
Author Econ_Dagney Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 My husband's ex-wife's daughter, who he helped raise for a number of years, was recently informed of my pregnancy. We thought she took the news well because she sent a congratulatory email at first, but we were mistaken. After offering to have her meet the baby once she is born, the ex-step-daughter asked for money to see how he would react, and when he chose not to throw money at her she sent my husband a series of emails claiming that she didn't really want any money and pointing to 1 fact: she is terribly unhappy with him right now. She hasn't come out and said that she is unhappy about me being pregnant with his biological child, but she has been quite vocal about a number of other things. The timing seems down right precarious doesn't it? Before I go on I just want to point out that I am not behind his behaviour. I have encouraged him to do what he feels is right by her whether that be stepping in as a dad, or by explicitly explaining that he cares but doesn't want the ex and her daughter to keep looking towards him as her father-figure if that is not what he wants. What she claims to be upset about: She is upset that he doesn't have more contact with her. He doesn't reply to her emails as quickly as she likes and he once even went 3 months without replying to her. He doesn't call her so this is their only method of communication. He is not her biological dad. She is upset that he hasn't asked her to visit for Christmas for the past 5 years. I didn't ask him not to...his ex-wife didn't want her around him and his "new family" and he didn't want to have drama with ex-wife so he just left it alone...and now he just doesn't seem that bothered that he hasn't seen her daughter in 4.5 years. Once again, not her bio dad. She claims that he never really cared about her, but if she believed that then why bother ranting and raving? She claims to be upset now about the fact that he had an affair while he was married to her mom. I don't know how long she has known about this. He told me about this before we became seriously involved and it seems that her mom had an affair too but neglected to tell her that snippet, although all of that is besides the point...and her mom is a total snake for only telling her half the story. I think the real issue here is that his ex-step-daughter, and her mother understand that he's truly moved on and it's freaking them out. It appears that she is more like her mother than I was lead to believe. I think it's obvious that the ex-wife's daughter is lashing out because she is jealous that he gets to have a happy family without her. I'm not saying this to sound petty, but think about it: she never knew her dad, and my husband has been in her life for a long time. She lived in the household with him for a number of years and got to spend Christmas with him and his family. He was like the stable role model in her life, and over the past few years they have been drifting more and more apart. Now she finds out that not only is his new marriage working out , but that we are also expecting a biological child. (I honestly believe that she wanted him to get back together with her mom last year -she told him about her mom's break-up with then boyfriend and told my husband that mom admires and respects my husband.) So is also coming to understand what his moving on really means. I know that my husband does care about the girl/teenager's well-being, but it doesn't seem like he wants to be pigeonholed as the substitute dad. In the meanwhile, we have this teenage girl who is angry and feels even more like a reject now that he and I are having a daughter of our own. I know that in a real sense this is his problem, but he's not dealing with it. He has compartmentalized his relationship with ex-wife and her daughter to a few email conversations a year and expects this behaviour from them...It doesn't seem to bother him as much as it bothers me. I want him to be upfront with them about what he wants, and what he is willing to put up with because now I am having serious doubts about agreeing to let her meet my daughter after she is born. If ex-step-daughter is going to turn out to be as manipulative as her mom, then I can't allow her to be involved in my child's life.
Author Econ_Dagney Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Further to above, she is now claiming that she never wanted his money. She says she just wanted to get him to respond to emails and knew he would respond if it was an email about money. This girl is having a classic tantrum and trying to get daddy's attention, but he's not her dad. What should we do? My husband sees that things are deteriorating quickly so he might actually take my advice now. What should I suggest? Should he agree to step-up as a parent, or should he back away from this relationship. I don't know if he can give her what she wants : a father, and in the mean time he may only keep disappointing her because he's still straddling the fence. If he's still straddling the fence after 10 years of knowing her, caring about her, refusing to adopt her; then maybe he should just admit to her that he doesn't want to be her dad. He can say that he cares about her but wants to be thought of as a distant relation? Does that make sense, or is it better to just back off completely?
Author Econ_Dagney Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I agree that the email-bickering with ex-wife and her daughter have got to stop, but I'm not the one to make that decision. I have encouraged him to call her if he wants to. I have posed no threat and told him that I'm not threatened by their relationship. He keeps straddling the fence in terms of his relationship with her. Yes, they have known each other for 10 years, and haven't seen each other in 4.5 years. At first it was because her mother requested that he stay away, but then he was invited back into their lives about a year and a half ago. The mother never lost touch via email in all this time, but only offered to let him reunite with her daughter 1.5 years ago. I understand that he is the only dad that she has known. I get that. I also get that she's probably having a hard time right now adjusting to the fact that he is having a biological child with anyone, but all of this bickering is stressing me out. I wish that he would just make up his mind already. We don't live in the same state as them so it's easy for him to make excuses not to see her, but we do go to their home state twice a year to visit my family. Every time we go to their home state, I always ask him if he'd like some time to himself to meet up with the ex's daughter and he says no. It's his choice. I don't know if he's making it worse by staying in the periphery of her life when she obviously wants him to be more of a real dad. I don't know that she's not taking out her anger and frustration over not having her bio father in her life on my husband. Maybe she feels as though she has been rejected by both men and that's part of her reason for lashing out? She only has one means of communicating with my husband... because he can't give her the number without taking the risk that she will give it to her mom and then we'll have to deal with nasty phone calls as well. Neither of them have had his numbers in 5 years. I'm trying to see where she (ex's daughter)is coming from. I am doing my best not to get overly frustrated at her and her mother for badgering my husband to step up. I am trying not to get frustrated at my husband for not handling this better and deciding one way or the other, but I am just about at the point where if it gets worse I will take over. If I take over, then I would tell him to call the daughter and hash it out with her one way or the other. I would also make sure that ex-wife knows not to contact him to discuss anything other than her daughter, politics, and the weather. I'm just ready for some sort of resolution now, because I can see that the ex and her daughter are likely to get worse the closer I get to my due date. She stepped out of line bringing up his old affairs- that was between him and her mother. It was a low shot. I don't need this stress when I'm busy focusing on my pregnancy, school, and the happy bits of our marriage. I would have sorted things out a long time ago but wasn't certain it was my place to intervene. I am hormonal right now and highly annoyed. 24 weeks pregnant is not a good time for me to be annoyed.
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