BUENG1 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 So I went out on a date with this girl and everything went really well. We arranged a second date for the following weekend. During the week she called to tell me that she could only find a baby sitter for 2 hours so that's as long as we'd be able to hang out. I thought this was a little weird but I didn't question her or anything. So that weekend we went to dinner and that was pretty much it, she had to go. Now keep in mind that ever since we first went out things have been going really well between us, I can tell the attraction is there. Anyway, after our date I went out drinking with some friends. Later that night she texted me and asked if I was having fun, said she was sad we only got to hang out for 2 hours, and offered to drive up to my place (an hour away) next weekend to make up for it. She said how much she liked me and couldn't wait to see me again. We texted back and forth for about an hour or so. The next day we talked again and clicked just like usual and everything was fine. Then later I came to find out that she actually went out to a club after she left our date. She didn't tell me this, but I know for a fact it's true. The thing is, I really wouldn't even have cared if she'd just told me the truth, but the fact that she lied is really pissing me off. So I guess my question is, what should I do? I haven't confronted her about it because we've only been on 2 dates, but it makes me mad. Should I say something to her about it? Let it go? Let her go?? Or am I making it a bigger deal than it needs to be? I like her, she's cute and we have fun together, but my ego is getting in the way and I almost just wanna say to hell with her. I hate liars. Advice? Yep I'm with the others, she's dating others(which maybe is fine, maybe isn't) but for some reason she doesn't want you to know. I wouldn't waste anymore time. If this was just time with friends you can guarantee she wouldn't have made up a bogus story about it.
crazy_grl Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 (edited) You have to let people be human just a bit, don't you think? I just know that if I were in her shoes I might just go about that the same way. The reason being that you want to be able to maintain your other engagements but you don't want your date to think that it's because of them because, let's face it, it probably had nothing to do with him. I think the overanalyzing on this issue is way overboard. It's a second date. She has no obligation to you yet. You need to allow people to do what they need to do. Wouldn't you tell someone not to put their friends aside for some new guy that might not last past 3 dates? Sure she lied, but seriously, this is no indicator that this person is a malicious pig. One time is no more than a point. It takes three points to make a trend. And all she was doing might have been keeping her friends a priority and doing so in a way to not hurt the guy's feelings. Can no one see this as a potential positive? And one question, OP. Is it possible this date was arranged after her night out was planned? If so, maybe you should be flattered that she struggled to fit you in at all. It would have been a hell of a lot easier to blow you off. I mean she called you later and offered to come to you. I'm not really sure what kind of idealistic view you have of a potential partner. Maybe try chilling out a bit. Even in this best-case-senario, she has poor communication skills. It's easy to tell your date when they ask you out that you have prior plans but you want to try to fit them in. Then, if you can't, their feelings aren't hurt, and they can appreciate the fact that you tried anyway. There's also no need for them to guess about how noble your intentions for lying were when they catch you in the lie. In my opinion, this is the same kind of logic as lying about cheating because you want to spare your SO the pain of being upset by it. (selfish) A woman who will use her kid in a lie to go out to a club is not trustworthy. Move on. No need to confront her or talk to her again. Edited November 10, 2009 by crazy_grl
Confusedalways Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I also agree that maybe she squeezed you in. Sometimes I know when people catch me off guard I say something like 'oh the babysitter only can stay for 2 hours" rather than "I have plans afterwards." Reason being I don't really want the 20 questions of with who, etc, not that I'm suggesting you or most people do that but its just to avoid questions. Usually afterward I end up thinking 'why didn't I just say I was going out with friends afterward? oh, well!' If someone wrote me off for that when otherwise we had a ton of chemistry, i'd be pretty upset, as I don't intend on being deceitful. I say she deserves another shot.
AlektraClementine Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 She didn't lie to spare his feelings. She lied to spare her own discomfort. Now the OP simply has to decide whether or not to continue pursuing her. Were it me, I'd simply ask. I'm guessing you came by the information about her lie by honest means, right? Why can you just confront her. It's obvious that despite your "hatred for liars", you'd still like an excuse to keep dating her. So why not ask her?
Krytie TV Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I can't help but wonder the reliability of this "fact" that she was out anyway, all other things aside.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Sometimes I know when people catch me off guard I say something like 'oh the babysitter only can stay for 2 hours" rather than "I have plans afterwards." Reason being I don't really want the 20 questions of with who, etc, not that I'm suggesting you or most people do that but its just to avoid questions. Usually afterward I end up thinking 'why didn't I just say I was going out with friends afterward? oh, well!' If someone wrote me off for that when otherwise we had a ton of chemistry, i'd be pretty upset, as I don't intend on being deceitful. I say she deserves another shot. How about you stop telling pointless lies and own your actions? If you don't want to answer 20 questions after saying you have plans afterward, don't. If someone starts interrogating you about your plans, that's a bad sign, anyway.
Krytie TV Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 You can stand on your high horse all you want about the matter. The more perfect you expect someone to be (relative to what you want), the more alone you can expect to be. It's not wrong to wish people could be always honest all the time. It is, however, unrealistic and an ideal that very, very few people can achieve. So, call her a lying whore (because she squeezed you in and may not have wanted to hurt your feelings) and move on to find these idealistic qualities in someone else. That should be a hoot. I mean, it's obvious that she was not into you, with all her plans to come see you and her being generally into you. The thought of someone being genuinely into me like that would make me vomit. Oh the audacity of it all.
Johnny M Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Sometimes I know when people catch me off guard I say something like 'oh the babysitter only can stay for 2 hours" rather than "I have plans afterwards." Reason being I don't really want the 20 questions of with who, etc, not that I'm suggesting you or most people do that but its just to avoid questions. Usually afterward I end up thinking 'why didn't I just say I was going out with friends afterward? Look up compulsive lying. It's a psychiatric disease.
VeveCakes Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I say forget her. She's lying already, what if you are together down the road...you will never know what's the truth...total relationship killer. Even if she was squeezing you in, who would choose going out clubbing over spending time with a guy you like?? I think she is up to something(s)! Lieing is a major deal breaker for me, even if it's over something small.
The Way I Am Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 So peanut butter, it's been 6 days since the initial post. Are you still talking to this lady or are you done with her?
Author peanut butter Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 I forgot about this thread but I thought I'd give a little update to people who might be interested. I kept dating her for about a month or so afterward even thought I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. I knew in the back of my mind it wasn't really going anywhere but I figured the least I could do is get laid. Anyway, the lie came up one night during a conversation. She denied it and denied it until she finally admitted it. Even then she wouldn't admit to the full truth that I knew. It was disgusting. And then she had this stupid little uncomfortable smile/smirk that was probably the ugliest thing I'd ever seen in my life. I've never been more turned off than I was at that moment. I couldn't wait for her to leave. After this she would call and want to hang out all the time. She even said she wanted to be "exclusive". Yeah right, like that was gonna happen. We continued dating for a couple more weeks until I realized that I didn't even like her. So basically her lie in the beginning came back to bite her in the ass and I never was able to trust her or even respect her. She became completely unattractive to me and she eventually got the hint after I stopped calling or responding to her. I'm actually getting repulsed a little right now typing this. I know what I want in a girl and honesty ranks right up among the top qualities. I should have listened to some of you in the first place and just stopped seeing her then. So that's my update. Moral of the story is be honest and you won't be treated like a ho. The end.
skydiveaddict Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 nice! glad you stood up for yourself dude
2sunny Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 i don't appreciate it when a new person i am considering leads with a lie. it only means they are willing to lie about other things if they lie about these things you really didn't need to know about. i have discontinued seeing several men when this same thing has happened... little lies eventually equal big lies. i'm not willing to wait around and see what the bigger ones will be. you are either a person that knows the right thing and does it automatically - or you're not. she, obviously, is not. ummmm, ya.... we learn what these things really mean as we experience them. a little lie usually means more big lies to follow... glad you realized how important this really is.
hoping2heal Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I forgot about this thread but I thought I'd give a little update to people who might be interested. I kept dating her for about a month or so afterward even thought I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. I knew in the back of my mind it wasn't really going anywhere but I figured the least I could do is get laid. Anyway, the lie came up one night during a conversation. She denied it and denied it until she finally admitted it. Even then she wouldn't admit to the full truth that I knew. It was disgusting. And then she had this stupid little uncomfortable smile/smirk that was probably the ugliest thing I'd ever seen in my life. I've never been more turned off than I was at that moment. I couldn't wait for her to leave. After this she would call and want to hang out all the time. She even said she wanted to be "exclusive". Yeah right, like that was gonna happen. We continued dating for a couple more weeks until I realized that I didn't even like her. So basically her lie in the beginning came back to bite her in the ass and I never was able to trust her or even respect her. She became completely unattractive to me and she eventually got the hint after I stopped calling or responding to her. I'm actually getting repulsed a little right now typing this. I know what I want in a girl and honesty ranks right up among the top qualities. I should have listened to some of you in the first place and just stopped seeing her then. So that's my update. Moral of the story is be honest and you won't be treated like a ho. The end. Oh the irony. My first impression when i FIRST read the page 1 of this thread was she is likely going to lie as the others said, again and again. I still feel that way but the irony was when YOU started being dishonest with her and began talking about how you vehemently disliked her for being dishonest. Don't ask or expect something from others you dont do yourself- or at least don't get on your high horse about it.
Angel1111 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I kept dating her for about a month or so afterward even thought I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. I knew in the back of my mind it wasn't really going anywhere but I figured the least I could do is get laid. I'm glad it ended because there was no reason for her to lie to you like that. I dated a guy once who lied to me about his age. Yeah, can you believe that? It turned me off big-time but I continued to date him for a short while. He turned out to be the king psycho from psycho-ville. I learned that initial impressions are VERY important.
Author peanut butter Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Oh the irony. My first impression when i FIRST read the page 1 of this thread was she is likely going to lie as the others said, again and again. I still feel that way but the irony was when YOU started being dishonest with her and began talking about how you vehemently disliked her for being dishonest. Don't ask or expect something from others you dont do yourself- or at least don't get on your high horse about it. I was never dishonest with her, I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.
New_Life08 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 LOL! Isn't it funny how people lie when the supposed offense wouldn't even be that big of an issue; but lying itself is a major deal-breaker! I can only guess that she either made a commitment to a friend to go out, but didn't want you to think she was blowing you off (the sparing feelings lie)... OR ... she went there to meet another prospect (the guilt lie)...OR...she didn't want you to think she is bar fly (the I'm not exactly what I represent, but I want to be...lie). I think you should confront this in a general way. In conversation bring up the subject of lying (maybe something from your past). See how she reacts. I know you haven't been seeing her very long, so you feel you may not have the right to call her on it. But, you really don't want to start off a relationship knowing you were lied to. It is a catch 22...big time.
stillafool Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 So I went out on a date with this girl and everything went really well. We arranged a second date for the following weekend. During the week she called to tell me that she could only find a baby sitter for 2 hours so that's as long as we'd be able to hang out. I thought this was a little weird but I didn't question her or anything. So that weekend we went to dinner and that was pretty much it, she had to go. Now keep in mind that ever since we first went out things have been going really well between us, I can tell the attraction is there. Anyway, after our date I went out drinking with some friends. Later that night she texted me and asked if I was having fun, said she was sad we only got to hang out for 2 hours, and offered to drive up to my place (an hour away) next weekend to make up for it. She said how much she liked me and couldn't wait to see me again. We texted back and forth for about an hour or so. The next day we talked again and clicked just like usual and everything was fine. Then later I came to find out that she actually went out to a club after she left our date. She didn't tell me this, but I know for a fact it's true. The thing is, I really wouldn't even have cared if she'd just told me the truth, but the fact that she lied is really pissing me off. So I guess my question is, what should I do? I haven't confronted her about it because we've only been on 2 dates, but it makes me mad. Should I say something to her about it? Let it go? Let her go?? Or am I making it a bigger deal than it needs to be? I like her, she's cute and we have fun together, but my ego is getting in the way and I almost just wanna say to hell with her. I hate liars. Advice? She sounds like a game player. Since the two of you aren't serious yet, what was wrong with her telling you "I only have two hours to spend with you because I told some gf's I'd meet them at a bar for some drinks." How would you have felt about that?
Vertex Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I am too lazy to read the thread and I am sure this has been said already, but I would just stop seeing her. From my own experiences, if someone is willing to white-lie to you right off the bat like that, it's almost always a red flag that is really more of what I like to call a "bloody flag." That is to say, redder than most red flags. Not all red flags tend to explode into massive issues later, but dishonesty almost always does. If you detect dishonesty early on, run! People don't "owe" me explanations to things they don't want to explain, but I do expect honesty and not outright lying. If I asked someone on a date and they told me they were busy, I'd be fine with that. I wouldn't feel that they owed me any further explanation than that. But giving me a false story is just immature and shows a weakness of character, in my opinion. Honesty's important -- you'll typically have better dating experiences, in my experience, if you kick the dishonest ones early.
Stung Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I was never dishonest with her, I don't even know what the hell you're talking about. Let me clue you in, then: continuing to date somebody and pretending you like them/letting them think you like them without ever telling them you are repulsed by something they did because you just want to use them for sex, that's dishonest. And the fact that you were on your high horse about her misconduct the whole time you were thinking ill of her and plotting to get into her pants is both amusing/sad. You are the pot who just dumped the kettle.
Author peanut butter Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Let me clue you in, then: continuing to date somebody and pretending you like them/letting them think you like them without ever telling them you are repulsed by something they did because you just want to use them for sex, that's dishonest. And the fact that you were on your high horse about her misconduct the whole time you were thinking ill of her and plotting to get into her pants is both amusing/sad. You are the pot who just dumped the kettle. It wasn't like that. I continued to date her because, despite the lie, I liked her and hoped I could get past it. As it turned out, I slowly realized that I couldn't get past it and my interest in her began to fade. There was no evil, secret plotting of revenge by sex, give me a break. The main turning point for me was when it finally came up in conversation and she still lied about it. This was AFTER we had sex for the first time. But good job assuming things.
hoping2heal Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 It wasn't like that. I continued to date her because, despite the lie, I liked her and hoped I could get past it. As it turned out, I slowly realized that I couldn't get past it and my interest in her began to fade. There was no evil, secret plotting of revenge by sex, give me a break. The main turning point for me was when it finally came up in conversation and she still lied about it. This was AFTER we had sex for the first time. But good job assuming things. Oh really? It wasn't you who said you couldn't trust her as far as you could throw her, but figured you might as well get laid out of the deal? Um, I think it was. No one assumed a thing, I know I personally went by your words, and continuing to date someone you know you can't trust but figure you might get sex out of the deal; that is dishonest. Unless, of course you made her aware that "look I can't trust you but I'm down to bone." Which, I doubt.
Author peanut butter Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Oh really? It wasn't you who said you couldn't trust her as far as you could throw her, but figured you might as well get laid out of the deal? Um, I think it was. No one assumed a thing, I know I personally went by your words, and continuing to date someone you know you can't trust but figure you might get sex out of the deal; that is dishonest. Unless, of course you made her aware that "look I can't trust you but I'm down to bone." Which, I doubt. Every guy I have ever known tries to get laid by the person they're dating. I am no exception. And yes, I've even had sex with people I wasn't in love with Shocking huh? I don't see anything dishonest about that. I certainly wasn't hiding the fact that I wanted to have sex with her. I let her know all the time. You can't get anymore honest than that
Stung Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 It wasn't like that. I continued to date her because, despite the lie, I liked her and hoped I could get past it. As it turned out, I slowly realized that I couldn't get past it and my interest in her began to fade. There was no evil, secret plotting of revenge by sex, give me a break. The main turning point for me was when it finally came up in conversation and she still lied about it. This was AFTER we had sex for the first time. But good job assuming things. I assumed nothing...nor did I ever say anything about evil revenge sex plots, you made that one up all by yourself. What I did say was that you were less than above-board yourself, and I did insinuate some hypocrisy, in reaction to this quote (your words verbatim, just one page back): I kept dating her for about a month or so afterward even thought I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. I knew in the back of my mind it wasn't really going anywhere but I figured the least I could do is get laid. If that's not really the way it went down, then that's one thing, but it is what you said. If you're going to get miffed because you're so misunderstood, perhaps you need to express yourself more clearly.
Author peanut butter Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 I assumed nothing...nor did I ever say anything about evil revenge sex plots, you made that one up all by yourself. What I did say was that you were less than above-board yourself, and I did insinuate some hypocrisy, in reaction to this quote (your words verbatim, just one page back): I kept dating her for about a month or so afterward even thought I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. I knew in the back of my mind it wasn't really going anywhere but I figured the least I could do is get laid. If that's not really the way it went down, then that's one thing, but it is what you said. If you're going to get miffed because you're so misunderstood, perhaps you need to express yourself more clearly. I don't understand what's so wrong with that. Ya, I dated her and made sexual advances toward her just like every other girl I've ever dated in my life. So what? It's not like I told her I loved her or something in an attempt to get into her pants. In fact I specifically mentioned that she asked to be exclusive and I told her no. I wasn't leading her on with lies and deception. I made it quite clear to her that I wanted to have sex with her. Did I use her for sex? Ya probably a little, especially at the end. Serves her right for being a lying skank.
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