peanut butter Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 So I went out on a date with this girl and everything went really well. We arranged a second date for the following weekend. During the week she called to tell me that she could only find a baby sitter for 2 hours so that's as long as we'd be able to hang out. I thought this was a little weird but I didn't question her or anything. So that weekend we went to dinner and that was pretty much it, she had to go. Now keep in mind that ever since we first went out things have been going really well between us, I can tell the attraction is there. Anyway, after our date I went out drinking with some friends. Later that night she texted me and asked if I was having fun, said she was sad we only got to hang out for 2 hours, and offered to drive up to my place (an hour away) next weekend to make up for it. She said how much she liked me and couldn't wait to see me again. We texted back and forth for about an hour or so. The next day we talked again and clicked just like usual and everything was fine. Then later I came to find out that she actually went out to a club after she left our date. She didn't tell me this, but I know for a fact it's true. The thing is, I really wouldn't even have cared if she'd just told me the truth, but the fact that she lied is really pissing me off. So I guess my question is, what should I do? I haven't confronted her about it because we've only been on 2 dates, but it makes me mad. Should I say something to her about it? Let it go? Let her go?? Or am I making it a bigger deal than it needs to be? I like her, she's cute and we have fun together, but my ego is getting in the way and I almost just wanna say to hell with her. I hate liars. Advice?
Mr-T Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Have you thought that maybe she had a girly night planned and didnt want to hurt your feelings by saying that she is going to a club but you cant come?
Mr-T Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Have you thought that maybe she had a girly night planned and didnt want to hurt your feelings by saying that she is going to a club but you cant come?
Author peanut butter Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Ya that's pretty much exactly what I think. It's the fact that she LIED about it that bugs me. The sad part is, I actually like(d) her. She didn't need to lie. It's still very early in the relationship and that's part of why I'm confused about what to do. Just let it go since we really have no obligation to each other at all at this point, or see it as a warning sign of more lies to come?
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 That's a tough one. It depends on your own personal moral code. Me, personally - trust and honesty is CRUCIAL in a relationship - but ESPECIALLY in the beginning stages when you're getting to know the other person. Since it's only been two dates, I'd be done with this one. But that's my personal opinion. I hate when people make a decision for me, a la Mr T's suggestion that it was a girly night and she didn't want to hurt your feelings. Please. If you think I'm THAT overly sensitive, why are you dating me?
Mr-T Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 In all fairness I was not trying to make a decision I was just putting a fact across, If your that sensitive then why date at all. Jesus after 2 dates you dont belong to the person and there still entitled to do what they want. Weather they lie to you or not, its up to them. I just look at it from someone elses point of view without 'judging'.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 In all fairness I was not trying to make a decision I was just putting a fact across No, what I meant by making a decision for me is if it IS true that she was worried about hurting his feelings...that's making a decision FOR me. Like if I were in his shoes and somebody lied to "spare" my feelings. It's such a piddly thing. I agree - they've only been on two dates, she doesn't owe him anything - hence she shouldn't have felt she "owed" him a lie to spare his feelings. I hate lies. I do feel that the people I choose to have in my life "owe" me the truth. If you show a propensity for dishonesty, then I owe you a swift kick in the ass. It's not a oversensitivity issue - it's a trust issue. And when you've lived with a compulsive liar once, you aren't quick to forgive on it again. Sorry.
Mr-T Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Fair point, I mis-read the post, I saw it as a 'dig' at me. I aqologise for my abrupt reply!
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 It's understandable and easy to happen in text mediums. Tone/intent very hard to read and I know sometimes my brain moves faster than my hands when I'm trying to get a thought out. No worries. I didn't mean for it to sound like a dig.
carhill Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Advice? 'I appreciate and value honesty in a relationship' There's your boundary. If her words/actions portend further broaches, enforce the boundary by feeding her a silence sandwich. If I have to question what a woman says, she's not worth my time
hopesndreams Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 So I went out on a date with this girl and everything went really well. We arranged a second date for the following weekend. During the week she called to tell me that she could only find a baby sitter for 2 hours so that's as long as we'd be able to hang out. I thought this was a little weird but I didn't question her or anything. So that weekend we went to dinner and that was pretty much it, she had to go. She agrees to a 2nd date but something comes up through the week, as in going out to a club, and she chooses that over you. Why? To scope out other talent, that's why. But, she could fit you in for 2 hours. Did you buy dinner? Now keep in mind that ever since we first went out things have been going really well between us, I can tell the attraction is there. Anyway, after our date I went out drinking with some friends. Later that night she texted me and asked if I was having fun, said she was sad we only got to hang out for 2 hours, and offered to drive up to my place (an hour away) next weekend to make up for it. She said how much she liked me and couldn't wait to see me again. We texted back and forth for about an hour or so. The club musta been boring, the talent just wasn't there as she was hoping. After that hour of texting, things musta picked up. The next day we talked again and clicked just like usual and everything was fine. Then later I came to find out that she actually went out to a club after she left our date. She didn't tell me this, but I know for a fact it's true. The thing is, I really wouldn't even have cared if she'd just told me the truth, but the fact that she lied is really pissing me off. You wouldn't have cared if she told you she was blowing you off to go to some club instead even though she had promised you a nite out? She had to lie, otherwise you would have been pizzed and she wouldn't have you to take her out to dinner again. So I guess my question is, what should I do? I haven't confronted her about it because we've only been on 2 dates, but it makes me mad. Should I say something to her about it? Let it go? Let her go?? Or am I making it a bigger deal than it needs to be? I like her, she's cute and we have fun together, but my ego is getting in the way and I almost just wanna say to hell with her. I hate liars. I hate liars too. I'd let this one go. Advice? Find someone worth your time and energy. I would let her know what you know and she would try her best to squirm her way out of it, or not, who knows?
DustySaltus Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 The fact that she didn't tell you either means that she didn't want to hurt your feelings or as everyone said above, looking for other talent. That's when you really need to look into her eyes and her body language the next time (if there is a next time) and see if she's really into you or you are just a "time filler". Personally, I would just move on. It's a red flag. I was in a similar situation with a woman this past weekend. We had dinner and she told me she was going on a "ladies night". I was going out too and it was fine because we both understood that it was a second date. Nothing even really needed to be said but she told me out of RESPECT. Respect is important and this girl seems to lack it right off the bat. Don't confront her on it. It will make you look like a Stage 5 clinger. I know it's Sh***y what she did, but I would just move on. This is just the tip of the iceberg with a girl like this.
Odyssey Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I wouldn't make any drama out of the issue though. It's only been 2 dates.
Krytie TV Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Yeah, I personally think you file this under "not a big deal" and go forward. Don't forget about it, but file it away should it matter later.
gtrguy Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 The fact that she didn't tell you either means that she didn't want to hurt your feelings or as everyone said above, looking for other talent. That's when you really need to look into her eyes and her body language the next time (if there is a next time) and see if she's really into you or you are just a "time filler". Personally, I would just move on. It's a red flag. I was in a similar situation with a woman this past weekend. We had dinner and she told me she was going on a "ladies night". I was going out too and it was fine because we both understood that it was a second date. Nothing even really needed to be said but she told me out of RESPECT. Respect is important and this girl seems to lack it right off the bat. Don't confront her on it. It will make you look like a Stage 5 clinger. I know it's Sh***y what she did, but I would just move on. This is just the tip of the iceberg with a girl like this. Couldn't agree more. This is very common with NYC girls who are always looking for bigger and better. A lot of girls will use guys for free drinks/dinner, then have other plans with either their friends or another guy. You are lucky that you figured this out right away. If I were you (and I have been there) I wouldn't ever respond to this girl again. The fact that she couldn't even committ a night to you, then lied about it, BIG red flag in my book.
phineas Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 She likes you soooo much she cut your date short, used her kid as the reason then went clubbing? Considering the blatent dishonesty my soon to be ex-wife showed me I'd forget about this woman.
Krytie TV Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 You have to let people be human just a bit, don't you think? I just know that if I were in her shoes I might just go about that the same way. The reason being that you want to be able to maintain your other engagements but you don't want your date to think that it's because of them because, let's face it, it probably had nothing to do with him. I think the overanalyzing on this issue is way overboard. It's a second date. She has no obligation to you yet. You need to allow people to do what they need to do. Wouldn't you tell someone not to put their friends aside for some new guy that might not last past 3 dates? Sure she lied, but seriously, this is no indicator that this person is a malicious pig. One time is no more than a point. It takes three points to make a trend. And all she was doing might have been keeping her friends a priority and doing so in a way to not hurt the guy's feelings. Can no one see this as a potential positive? And one question, OP. Is it possible this date was arranged after her night out was planned? If so, maybe you should be flattered that she struggled to fit you in at all. It would have been a hell of a lot easier to blow you off. I mean she called you later and offered to come to you. I'm not really sure what kind of idealistic view you have of a potential partner. Maybe try chilling out a bit.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 If I were in your place, I'd move on. Honesty is very important to me, and I have found that when I catch a guy in little lies in the beginning, I catch him in bigger lies later. Dishonesty is a character defect that is not easily cured. If she were an honest person, she simply would have said, "Yes, I am free between 7:00 and 9:00 pm", or similar. She could have added, "I have plans with some friends afterward", though she didn't owe you any explanation about that. However, she certainly didn't need to make up a lie about the babysitter, and I think it's very revealing that she did.
carhill Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 "Yes, I am free between 7:00 and 9:00 pm", or similar. She could have added, "I have plans with some friends afterward", though she didn't owe you any explanation about that. That is something I'd appreciate and value, especially the part about having plans with friends afterwards, considering the brevity of the date. No explanation needed. After a couple of dates, I would still be an insignificant potential, but hopefully valued enough to be worthy of direct communication.
boogieboy Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I say keep dating her, but dont make her a priority, and see if her actions match her words about you. Now that you know she is still looking, you will see her actions differently. If she's still looking, you keep looking. Use her like shes using you, and dont take her seriously. Dont tell her about the lie until you break it off-and use that as a reason Im sure other lies will pop up between now and then as well.. You might find someone without a kid anyways.
Author peanut butter Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I appreciate all the comments from everyone. I'm sort of in the middle of the "she's an evil bitch, get rid of her" and the "she was nice enough to make time for you" trains of thought. I think the comment above this pretty much sums up the way I'm feeling about it. I guess one positive I can take from this is I don't care as much about her as I did, and in my experience that indifference wins the ladies over every time. Oh well.
dreamergrl Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Are you more upset with the fact that she lied, or that she was out with other people and you had to keep your date short? Lying is a big pet peeve of mine. It really is. I have little tolerance for it. But I'm not you. So I think you need to decide which part of this is what is really getting you upset. The way I figure it you could.. A) Not see her again. B) See her again, but be cautious of this in the future, and see if it's a normal thing for her. C) Talk to her about it (although that may be weird since it's only been two dates). D) Find a way to casually mention you dislike lies, and see if she gets the hint.
boldjack Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 OP, bottom line. She lied to you and had no need to. What is she going to do if she thinks she has a good reason? She isn't an honest person, dump her.
Star Gazer Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 You have to let people be human just a bit, don't you think? I just know that if I were in her shoes I might just go about that the same way. The reason being that you want to be able to maintain your other engagements but you don't want your date to think that it's because of them because, let's face it, it probably had nothing to do with him. I think the overanalyzing on this issue is way overboard. It's a second date. She has no obligation to you yet. You need to allow people to do what they need to do. Wouldn't you tell someone not to put their friends aside for some new guy that might not last past 3 dates? Sure she lied, but seriously, this is no indicator that this person is a malicious pig. One time is no more than a point. It takes three points to make a trend. And all she was doing might have been keeping her friends a priority and doing so in a way to not hurt the guy's feelings. Can no one see this as a potential positive? And one question, OP. Is it possible this date was arranged after her night out was planned? If so, maybe you should be flattered that she struggled to fit you in at all. It would have been a hell of a lot easier to blow you off. I mean she called you later and offered to come to you. I'm not really sure what kind of idealistic view you have of a potential partner. Maybe try chilling out a bit. I couldn't agree more.
2sunny Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 i don't appreciate it when a new person i am considering leads with a lie. it only means they are willing to lie about other things if they lie about these things you really didn't need to know about. i have discontinued seeing several men when this same thing has happened... little lies eventually equal big lies. i'm not willing to wait around and see what the bigger ones will be. you are either a person that knows the right thing and does it automatically - or you're not. she, obviously, is not.
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