Why?

[herenow]

I

So you see, herenow, it is not about how strong his love is, it goes way deeper than that.

 

I understand what the author is saying. What I am saying is the "pure love" you speak about is not a half of someone. It is a whole if it's pure. There should be no question who someone should be with when it is "pure love". Anything less than a commitment to that "pure love" is just that, something less. If what you have is pure, why is he still with his wife?

[JaneDoe35]

OP,

 

I know this probably won't help much, but if you read here long enough you will find that some men cheat because they feel there is SOMETHING missing... generally they think it is missing in their marriage, most often it is something missing in THEMSELVES, BUT!!! and this is a huge BUT so please hear it... THEY LOVE THEIR WIVES TOO MUCH TO LEAVE!!!

 

I know it sounds wierd.. but the truth is, they LOVE their wives. Some men stay because of other reasons. But I would say the majority of them stay because they love their wives. They simply are bad at figuring out how to fill what they percieve as a void in their lives, and they use us OW as a way to try to fill it. It is not because they do NOT love their wives.

 

Think about it, if they simply did not love their wife anymore, most men would just up and leave. If your wandering husband is saying he loves you, it is probably very true. And based on what I have read of your posts, it seems you still love him. I implore you to start individual counseling and marriage counseling in an effort to repair the damage that has been done. And know this... if you try, really try to see his affair, as a reflection of what is broken within him, as opposed to what is broken within yourself, then there will be a very good chance that your marriage can not only recover, but flourish into a better marriage than you ever hoped it could be.

 

Regardless of the choices you make from this point, you seem a very intelligent and caring soul. And while coming from someone who is an OW it probably doesn't mean much, I wish you happiness and love. Love that will never again hurt your soul. ((hugs))

 

Fallen Angel - thankyou for your thoughts....

 

I do love my husband but he seems truly 'gone'.

 

He says that something is not right inside of him and he has to leave his family.

 

I wish it was not so.

 

Thankyou also for your wishes of happiness & love, means alot to me...

[jennie-jennie]

I understand what the author is saying. What I am saying is the "pure love" you speak about is not a half of someone. It is a whole if it's pure. There should be no question who someone should be with when it is "pure love". Anything less than a commitment to that "pure love" is just that, something less. If what you have is pure, why is he still with his wife?

 

Read the book.

[16thstreet]

I think I’m completely different from the vast majority of posting OW. For me, the most desirable thing about my MM is his M, although his M wasn’t the initial attraction. They have to meet a certain criteria . . . Basically, a portrayal of what a M should be. I love feeling like I broke or am causing him to break what’s considered most sacred of bonds. I get the best high and ego boost in the world from it. It’s like I hold the essence of his W in my hands and at any time (I wouldn’t though) I could peel away every aspect, every thought, every feeling and validation - just that easy - and she doesn’t even know me.

 

Hmmm . . . I may be incorrect, but I do not actually think that you are very different from a large number of OW, especially those that are much younger and go for father-like men. I also do not think that you hold nearly as much power as you feel you do, although the power to blackmail (even if it does not actually cause any destruction) is at least a modicum of power. Most importantly, even if you feel that you have to pry your MM away from a loving relationship into a relationship with an OW, ultimately you are not the cause of any breaking . . . the cause was present and it is in the relationship the MM has to his W, and you are merely an outlet for it. Just some thoughts.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by JaneDoe35

I am also having problems with the person who seeks out happily married men...but I guess she must be real.

Wow…what I find interesting is how naïve it seems so many BS and OW seem. I’m shocked that people are shocked that some may like being the OW. But I don’t think I have the “typical” personality either. I’m pretty superficial and egotistical, but I’m also pretty honest and straight-forward. I think appearance and desirability are most important. I’m 28y/o and from 18-25 I was a stripper; totally different lifestyle than most people imagine. Sorry, but many women I’ve known or know have no remorse or guilt about sleeping with someone’s H. Not saying it’s for the same reason as me; that’s just my personal hang-up…I think people have the perception that I’m out to “hurt” the W or destroy a M. Not true. I don’t ever want the W to find out or the M not to be “happy”. For me, the M is more of an “ideal” (if that makes any sense). Do I really think I hold anything? Yeah, the ability to hurt the W if I wanted and whatever emotions come with it, but again, that’s not what I’m about.

 

Originally Posted by foreal

And as far as the OW holding the essence of me, the wife, in her hand? That was my H's dick in her hand, not my essence.

Totally hilarious

[herenow]

Read the book.

 

Or you can just answer my question and save me the time. Why does a man who has "pure love" for an OW stay married to his wife? Why isn't he doing whatever it takes to be with the woman he loves?

 

Unless he really doesn't know what he wants (which is kind of what that passage from the book says), a man who really loves a woman has no question in his mind about who he wants to be with.

 

If he is at all conflicted, how can you call the love pure?

[16thstreet]

Wow…what I find interesting is how naïve it seems so many BS and OW seem. I’m shocked that people are shocked that some may like being the OW. But I don’t think I have the “typical” personality either. I’m pretty superficial and egotistical, but I’m also pretty honest and straight-forward. I think appearance and desirability are most important. I’m 28y/o and from 18-25 I was a stripper; totally different lifestyle than most people imagine. Sorry, but many women I’ve known or know have no remorse or guilt about sleeping with someone’s H. Not saying it’s for the same reason as me; that’s just my personal hang-up…I think people have the perception that I’m out to “hurt” the W or destroy a M. Not true. I don’t ever want the W to find out or the M not to be “happy”. For me, the M is more of an “ideal” (if that makes any sense). Do I really think I hold anything? Yeah, the ability to hurt the W if I wanted and whatever emotions come with it, but again, that’s not what I’m about.

 

 

I have to agree with you here ... there are all kinds of people and they have all kinds of relationship needs/desires/fantasies and so forth, and that really shouldn't suprise anyone. I am neither the OW, BS, or even a W. I just find the topic interesting. I am a little curious to know whether your view will change as your body ages and loses the appeal and desirability inherent in a young and beautiful body.

 

Are there any women out there that used to be just like Skylarblue and that changed their views as their bodies aged, or even more interesting DIDN'T change their views?! (this is probably a new thread topic...sorry)

Edited November 13, 2009 by 16thstreet
acknowleding the post prob raises new topic

[JaneDoe35]

I have to agree with you here ... there are all kinds of people and they have all kinds of relationship needs/desires/fantasies and so forth, and that really shouldn't suprise anyone. I am neither the OW, BS, or even a W. I just find the topic interesting. I am a little curious to know whether your view will change as your body ages and loses the appeal and desirability inherent in a young and beautiful body.

 

Are there any women out there that used to be just like Skylarblue and that changed their views as their bodies aged, or even more interesting DIDN'T change their views?! (this is probably a new thread topic...sorry)

 

 

I think that is a great question 16thstreet. I would be curious myself.

 

Cause I wonder if they would still be doing it if they were just average looking and had to rely on something else besides looks.

 

Just so everyone knows I have nothing against strippers. I have a nice figure but do envy those with the body of a stripper.

 

Do Grandma's do this?

[jennie-jennie]

Or you can just answer my question and save me the time. Why does a man who has "pure love" for an OW stay married to his wife? Why isn't he doing whatever it takes to be with the woman he loves?

 

Unless he really doesn't know what he wants (which is kind of what that passage from the book says), a man who really loves a woman has no question in his mind about who he wants to be with.

 

If he is at all conflicted, how can you call the love pure?

 

Because he has not solved the issue that made him look outside the marriage in the first place. What I am talking about here are men who have suppressed their emotional self, their feelings and needs. This is an internal problem. They find an external solution - the relationship with the other woman. They still need to unite the two parts of themselves, the emotional self and the "do-right" self. They most likely need IC to do this, since this is a deep rooted problem.

[OWoman]

Because he has not solved the issue that made him look outside the marriage in the first place. What I am talking about here are men who have suppressed their emotional self, their feelings and needs. This is an internal problem. They find an external solution - the relationship with the other woman. They still need to unite the two parts of themselves, the emotional self and the "do-right" self. They most likely need IC to do this, since this is a deep rooted problem.

 

Jen, thanks for posting this. It's pretty close to my H's situation, though his M differs from your earlier excerpt from the book in a key way. But the underlying issue was the same - the lifelong focus on the needs of others, the suppression and denial of their own needs and feelings. Which is why I get so when posters here claim that MM are inherently selfish, only focused on their own needs, etc. In his case - and, it would seem from what you say, in your MM's case - it was the exact opposite, of focusing on the needs of others to the detriment of their own - that led to the A, rather.

 

sorry for the t/j...

[OWoman]

I truly don't believe the 'person' who claims to like to see out happily married men and put their claws into them and help them destroy their marriage vows.

 

While my motivations were rather different to Skylar's, my hunting patterns were probably pretty similar.

 

I too sought out men who were - or at least, claimed to be - happily M, who'd never had an A before and would never have imagined themselves to have one. Several of my xMMs had had only one lover in their entire lives - their Ws - and thus, having no point of comparison, assumed that their sex lives were good. They were not predatory, they were not evil. They were devoted fathers, diligent husbands and impeccable workers, all at the top of their game and all pillars of the community.

 

But while Skylar claims to be motivated by a need to win - to corrupt even these pure men - and a hunger to boost her own self-esteem, for me that was entirely irrelevant. My motivation in seeking out men who already had it all was that they were happily M, they would not want to leave that. They would want from me only what I was willing to offer - an occasional slice of my life, strictly on my terms, with absolutely no strings attached. In return they'd provide what I wanted - again, strictly on my terms - when I wanted it, and for the rest they'd carry on their lives as before, happily and safely.

 

And, for many of them, it worked. When I grew tired of them and dumped them, they carried on seamlessly as before, as if the A had merely been a dream. For others, though, they turned into SGs - wanting to be seen out with me, wanting to to claim an R in public, wanting a greater slice of my time, my energy, my attention, my life... wanting to meet my kids, wanting to come to my office, wanting to visit my home, wanting to meet my friends, wanting to go to movies with me, wanting a "normal" R... wanting, wanting, wanting. And so they got dumped. Which didn't stop them wanting. Like SGs, some of them became stalkers. Others dumped their BWs, hoping hat their SG status would make them more attractive (despite having been assured, from the outset, that this was not the case). A couple turned into hard-luck stories, dropping out of high-flying lives and sinking into a mire of depression or alcohol. Their initial status as "happily married" failed to guarantee me the space I wanted, ultimately - but they were still on the whole a safer bet than unhappily MMs, or SGs.

[skylarblue]

JaneDoe35, you asked “what makes people think it is ok or desirable to be with a person who is already 'taken'?” I’m sure it doesn’t help knowing that there are OW like me out there who think its fine, like or purposefully go after MM. But I am glad that you may realize it’s a whole different ballgame out there then you may have thought. You and others made me realize that W/OW don’t really know what they’re up against. I don’t know. Maybe it’s easier for a W to think that her H was lured by emotion instead of desire. Maybe having emotions makes a W feel more like her H didn’t “choose” to cheat. I don’t think many women really “know” their H either. At least half the guys at the clubs I worked were MM. Some had no problem talking about their W in one sentence, and asking how much to take you home in the next (and that’s not just in the clubs). Then there are those who would never have cheated if they weren’t presented an ideal opportunity. The thing is many H will have A or ONS with an OW who just want them for the time being, end it, and the W will never ever find out.

[Ody]

I do not really expect a response but I will ask anyway...

 

What makes people think it is ok or desirable to be with a person who is already 'taken'?

 

There seems to be plenty of input from women so far. For an alternate view - I slept with a married woman for a while once. I'm single. The fact she was taken wasn't what made it desirable. I found her attractive otherwise, and I just didn't care about the husband. If she had children, or if I was friends with the guy, I might have refrained (certainly in the latter case). It didn't last long, and I wasn't the first discretion, not that it's directly relevant.

 

Likewise, when I was cheated on in an LTR, I didn't blame the other guy. Didn't like him either, but didn't blame him. Responsibility is on she or he who made the vow.

 

 

I love dating MM. Do I think its ok? No. Do I care? No. But I think I’m completely different from the vast majority of posting OW. For me, the most desirable thing about my MM is his M, although his M wasn’t the initial attraction. They have to meet a certain criteria: 25+ my senior, married at least 10yrs, kids, respected job, “good/loving/faithful” father/H. Basically, a portrayal of what a M should be. I love feeling like I broke or am causing him to break what’s considered most sacred of bonds. I get the best high and ego boost in the world from it. It’s like I hold the essence of his W in my hands and at any time (I wouldn’t though) I could peel away every aspect, every thought, every feeling and validation - just that easy - and she doesn’t even know me. I don’t feel any guilt; he’s not going or wants to leave her nor do I want him to (it’s strictly PA), but I don’t think I’d feel guilty even if I did want him. To reiterate, I don’t care. I kinda liken myself to the biblical Jezebel who by manipulation and/or seduction misleads the saints of God into sins of idolatry and sexual immorality, sending them to hell. I’ll probably go there myself for it…Am I bad person for it? No, I’m not an inherently dishonest or blatantly bad person. Is it a bad thing for me to do? Of course.

 

Interesting post.

 

the fact that you see and acknowledge that what you are doing is wrong, yet still revel in your bad actions: yes, that does make you a "bad person."

 

Would it be any better if she didn't acknowledge what she did as wrong, and continued to do it?