Why?

[JaneDoe35]

I do not really expect a response but I will ask anyway...

 

What makes people think it is ok or desirable to be with a person who is already 'taken'?

 

I really just do not get it.

 

I was with my husband for almost 14 years from age 21 onwards, married for 10 of those.

 

During that time I was approached by men, some married who seemed to want to begin some sort of inappropriate relationship with me. I thought they were disgusting.

 

When I was single I was also approached now & then by 'taken' men. I found them completely repulsive to be doing what they were doing behind their girlfriends or wife's back. I would always run a mile. Even if they were physically attractive and knew what to say. Although I was young & naive I still knew right from wrong.

 

Or am I the one that has got it all wrong? Should the fact that a person has a spouse and possibly a family be ignored? Am I just old fashioned or something? I am beginning to wonder why I ever thought a marriage was special and should not involve a third person.

 

I know that people change...but why don't they just be honest and leave their husband's or wives if they really don't want to be there?

 

Are dishonest people bad people?

[jennie-jennie]

I suggest you read the book Affairs by therapist Emily Brown for some good insight on this subject.

[Fallen Angel]

I would say, in theory you are correct. People who are involved in a commited long term realtionship or marriage SHOULD leave that relationship before starting another. But the world is not so black and white, though it would be nice if it was.

 

There are many reasons people stay in their relationships well past the time they are truly happy there. Finacial commitments, family (kids) commitments, a sense of duty, even a sense of love when the "in love" is gone.

 

In a perfect world there would be no EMAs. This is not a perfect world.

[JaneDoe35]

Thanks so much for your replies....

 

I just feel so sad that people are inclined to get involved in affairs. So many people including children get hurt. The so called other OW/OM also seem to suffer too.

 

Just reading all the threads here on LoveShack makes me think that there is no point in marriage or committed relationships. Sure they can bring great joy.....I have experienced that. But an affair seems to tarnish any of the good years....what a waste.

 

And all the lies....so depressing. Why cant people be kinder to each other, even those they have not met?

 

I didn't think I was immune to this and I worked very hard to keep my marriage exciting and I thought it was paying off. Sure, I was not perfect but what the hell happened?

 

Maybe I will give that book a read. Just to understand.

[MizFit]

It would be nice if the world were a kinder place, but it isn't. We are all human beings and sometimes we do what's right and sometimes we don't.

 

I have never, ever thought a man who was taken was especially attractive. I was 46 and had never been remotely involved with a married man. I had watched my father cheat on my other (in true serial fashion) and my husband cheated on me...the last thing on my mind was getting involved with someone who could actually do that to another human being.

 

And then I met MM. He's a man who has been married over 30 years and never had an affair. He loves his wife, but as time has gone on she's made the choice to take a lack of interest in sex to not doing it but a couple of times a year. He will never leave her for several reasons, but the strongest is his special needs daughter...he will not walk out of that house of his own volition. He isn't ready to give up on human contact and all the MC and sex C isn't going to change his home situation for him...he's doing what he thinks is right even though he knows it's wrong.

 

My penance for this...I've fallen deeply in love with him. He's done the same, but his stance has not changed. He's done some stupid things (taken me to their house in France, taken me to their home, come to mine for a week, taken me away on mini breaks, and had me attend a function where both W and child would be) that make me think he's trying, but not trying, to get caught. Actions and words...he says he isn't, but the chances are taken at least once a month.

 

I didn't set out to do this and I never thought I would, but I have.

 

Are people who cheat bad...not all of them, no. My dad was...my husband wasn't...MM isn't. Am I a bad person for having an affair...no. He is hurting his wife...I'm hurting myself.

 

Every affair is different and not everyone is attracted to someone who is taken. Sometimes people just meet and the situations are right and it happens. We could not act on the impulses and desires, but sometimes we do.

 

It sounds like you're suffering and a BS...I've been there and it isn't fun. My husband was at fault for his affair...no one else. The OW was someone I knew, but I never blamed her...she'd never made an oath to me...he had. No one elses actions meant a thing to me...he betrayed me no matter if she was attracted to him because he was taken or not.

 

I hope you find comfort here...I read a lot more than I post, but it provides me comeraderie and the knowledge I'm not alone in my pain and joy. I hope you can find a way to let the people here help you with your pain and when you find joy again let them help you celebrate it.

[OWoman]

What makes people think it is ok or desirable to be with a person who is already 'taken'?

 

Available is as available does.

 

If someone truly is "taken", they wouldn't respond positively to the advances of someone else, and they certainly would not themselves be making advances elsewhere. Their doing so indicates that they're not really unavailable.

 

And, if it doesn't matter to them, why should it matter to someone else who wasn't even party to that contract?

[skylarblue]

I love dating MM. Do I think its ok? No. Do I care? No. But I think I’m completely different from the vast majority of posting OW. For me, the most desirable thing about my MM is his M, although his M wasn’t the initial attraction. They have to meet a certain criteria: 25+ my senior, married at least 10yrs, kids, respected job, “good/loving/faithful” father/H. Basically, a portrayal of what a M should be. I love feeling like I broke or am causing him to break what’s considered most sacred of bonds. I get the best high and ego boost in the world from it. It’s like I hold the essence of his W in my hands and at any time (I wouldn’t though) I could peel away every aspect, every thought, every feeling and validation - just that easy - and she doesn’t even know me. I don’t feel any guilt; he’s not going or wants to leave her nor do I want him to (it’s strictly PA), but I don’t think I’d feel guilty even if I did want him. To reiterate, I don’t care. I kinda liken myself to the biblical Jezebel who by manipulation and/or seduction misleads the saints of God into sins of idolatry and sexual immorality, sending them to hell. I’ll probably go there myself for it…Am I bad person for it? No, I’m not an inherently dishonest or blatantly bad person. Is it a bad thing for me to do? Of course.

[NowhereToHide]

I love dating MM. Do I think its ok? No. Do I care? No. But I think I’m completely different from the vast majority of posting OW. For me, the most desirable thing about my MM is his M, although his M wasn’t the initial attraction. They have to meet a certain criteria: 25+ my senior, married at least 10yrs, kids, respected job, “good/loving/faithful” father/H. Basically, a portrayal of what a M should be. I love feeling like I broke or am causing him to break what’s considered most sacred of bonds. I get the best high and ego boost in the world from it. It’s like I hold the essence of his W in my hands and at any time (I wouldn’t though) I could peel away every aspect, every thought, every feeling and validation - just that easy - and she doesn’t even know me. I don’t feel any guilt; he’s not going or wants to leave her nor do I want him to (it’s strictly PA), but I don’t think I’d feel guilty even if I did want him. To reiterate, I don’t care. I kinda liken myself to the biblical Jezebel who by manipulation and/or seduction misleads the saints of God into sins of idolatry and sexual immorality, sending them to hell. I’ll probably go there myself for it…Am I bad person for it? No, I’m not an inherently dishonest or blatantly bad person. Is it a bad thing for me to do? Of course.

 

All I can say is wow.

 

Can I ask what it is in yourself that seeks out that kind of "power"? Because from your posting it sounds like the rush for you is less about being able to "get" the MM, but it's more about being able to take something away from a "happy" woman. And you get an ego boost from being able to lure this man away from his family.

 

Have you ever had counseling?

[learnfrommymistakes]

I am sorry for your pain and sadness. I hope you find some thoughtful responses and can use them to heal some hurt places

lfmm

[hopesndreams]

I love dating MM. Do I think its ok? No. Do I care? No. But I think I’m completely different from the vast majority of posting OW. For me, the most desirable thing about my MM is his M, although his M wasn’t the initial attraction. They have to meet a certain criteria: 25+ my senior, married at least 10yrs, kids, respected job, “good/loving/faithful” father/H. Basically, a portrayal of what a M should be. I love feeling like I broke or am causing him to break what’s considered most sacred of bonds. I get the best high and ego boost in the world from it. It’s like I hold the essence of his W in my hands and at any time (I wouldn’t though) I could peel away every aspect, every thought, every feeling and validation - just that easy - and she doesn’t even know me. I don’t feel any guilt; he’s not going or wants to leave her nor do I want him to (it’s strictly PA), but I don’t think I’d feel guilty even if I did want him. To reiterate, I don’t care. I kinda liken myself to the biblical Jezebel who by manipulation and/or seduction misleads the saints of God into sins of idolatry and sexual immorality, sending them to hell. I’ll probably go there myself for it…Am I bad person for it? No, I’m not an inherently dishonest or blatantly bad person. Is it a bad thing for me to do? Of course.

 

Many ugly truths in what you have written. You really are on top of your game. You know exactly what you are doing. Just goes to show there isn't some good in everybody. Some are just plain evil.

[Heather1]

Mine wasn't something I sought out at all. We'd known each other for over a year, and really connected, but didn't think any more of that. We both hit a few bumps in the road of our lives & the A began.

 

The way to prevent stuff is to be your H best friend, and be honest about both of your attractions before it's too late. Once they start relying on someone else emotionally, it's kind of off and running like a lit bomb.

 

It happens so quickly that there's really no thinking involved. I'm sorry for you though, I always try to think of my OM's W, but it's hard.

[hopesndreams]

Mine wasn't something I sought out at all. We'd known each other for over a year, and really connected, but didn't think any more of that. We both hit a few bumps in the road of our lives & the A began.

 

The way to prevent stuff is to be your H best friend, and be honest about both of your attractions before it's too late. Once they start relying on someone else emotionally, it's kind of off and running like a lit bomb.

 

It happens so quickly that there's really no thinking involved. I'm sorry for you though, I always try to think of my OM's W, but it's hard.

 

That's ok Heather. There are those, that for the life of them, cannot put themselves in someone else's shoes. I guess the only way for you to do that would be to experience the anguish for yourself.

[ladydesigner]

I love dating MM. Do I think its ok? No. Do I care? No. But I think I’m completely different from the vast majority of posting OW. For me, the most desirable thing about my MM is his M, although his M wasn’t the initial attraction. They have to meet a certain criteria: 25+ my senior, married at least 10yrs, kids, respected job, “good/loving/faithful” father/H. Basically, a portrayal of what a M should be. I love feeling like I broke or am causing him to break what’s considered most sacred of bonds. I get the best high and ego boost in the world from it. It’s like I hold the essence of his W in my hands and at any time (I wouldn’t though) I could peel away every aspect, every thought, every feeling and validation - just that easy - and she doesn’t even know me. I don’t feel any guilt; he’s not going or wants to leave her nor do I want him to (it’s strictly PA), but I don’t think I’d feel guilty even if I did want him. To reiterate, I don’t care. I kinda liken myself to the biblical Jezebel who by manipulation and/or seduction misleads the saints of God into sins of idolatry and sexual immorality, sending them to hell. I’ll probably go there myself for it…Am I bad person for it? No, I’m not an inherently dishonest or blatantly bad person. Is it a bad thing for me to do? Of course.

 

OMFG

 

I had an affair too...but this is a whole new level of cheating.

[Thornton]

I think that if someone isn't married and doesn't have kids, then they're fair game. I might even consider a married guy to be fair game as long as he didn't have kids who would be affected if he divorced his wife. The fact is, all is fair in love and war - if you can't keep your bf/husband then that's your problem, not mine.

[jj33]

Available is as available does.

 

If someone truly is "taken", they wouldn't respond positively to the advances of someone else, and they certainly would not themselves be making advances elsewhere. Their doing so indicates that they're not really unavailable.

 

And, if it doesn't matter to them, why should it matter to someone else who wasn't even party to that contract?

 

Brilliant post! I want that bumper sticker - available is as available does.

[GreenEyedLady]

Are dishonest people bad people?

 

Is your H a bad person?

[JaneDoe35]

Is your H a bad person?

 

 

He told me that he was now a bad person......

[herenow]

I love dating MM. Do I think its ok? No. Do I care? No. But I think I’m completely different from the vast majority of posting OW. For me, the most desirable thing about my MM is his M, although his M wasn’t the initial attraction. They have to meet a certain criteria: 25+ my senior, married at least 10yrs, kids, respected job, “good/loving/faithful” father/H. Basically, a portrayal of what a M should be. I love feeling like I broke or am causing him to break what’s considered most sacred of bonds. I get the best high and ego boost in the world from it. It’s like I hold the essence of his W in my hands and at any time (I wouldn’t though) I could peel away every aspect, every thought, every feeling and validation - just that easy - and she doesn’t even know me. I don’t feel any guilt; he’s not going or wants to leave her nor do I want him to (it’s strictly PA), but I don’t think I’d feel guilty even if I did want him. To reiterate, I don’t care. I kinda liken myself to the biblical Jezebel who by manipulation and/or seduction misleads the saints of God into sins of idolatry and sexual immorality, sending them to hell. I’ll probably go there myself for it…Am I bad person for it? No, I’m not an inherently dishonest or blatantly bad person. Is it a bad thing for me to do? Of course.

 

I'm sure you are being honest here and I'm glad you are happy with the choices you have made.

 

Just one thing, don't be so sure you hold so much power. Most BW place blame on their H's. Most BW's on this site sent their cheating H's packing on D-day. Most MM begged forgiveness and the OW became an unfortunate mistake. Now you can tell me all you want that they only stay for the kids, money, etc. But the fact is, these MM choose to stay because it's what they want to do. Chances are you don't hold anything of the BW's at all.

 

Reality is that you are willing to put out for a MM and that is all he needs. Believe me honey if you weren't willing, he would find someone else who was. If that gives you the best high and ego boost in the world, then you have some pretty low standards. But, I'm glad you are on top of the world and being a MM's secret sex kitten makes you happy. It takes all kinds to make the world go round.

[hopesndreams]

What makes people think it is ok or desirable to be with a person who is already 'taken'?

 

Coz they can. What makes people steal, murder, commit arson, assault, and any other number of things that are WRONG? It's what they have going on upstairs and in their hearts and in some cases, there is a moment of insanity or they just plain insane. Good, honest people who are not mentally ill abide by laws and live by a code of ethics. Some people lack those things, are morally corrupt and would never ever admit to it. Some do, of course, and have true remorse for their actions. Your H is broken Jane, you can't fix him and you can't blame someone else for corrupting him. He made the choice, it was his decision.

[JaneDoe35]

What makes people think it is ok or desirable to be with a person who is already 'taken'?

 

Coz they can. What makes people steal, murder, commit arson, assault, and any other number of things that are WRONG? It's what they have going on upstairs and in their hearts and in some cases, there is a moment of insanity or they just plain insane. Good, honest people who are not mentally ill abide by laws and live by a code of ethics. Some people lack those things, are morally corrupt and would never ever admit to it. Some do, of course, and have true remorse for their actions. Your H is broken Jane, you can't fix him and you can't blame someone else for corrupting him. He made the choice, it was his decision.

 

Yes hopesndreams - In my job I see a lot of bad, but in my life away from work I was very positive about the world & people.

 

My family & friends were everything to me and I worked to bring us all together and enjoy what life has to offer.

 

Now, after the last three months I have no belief in human good. I have been truly disgusted by the behaviour that my husband has displayed.

 

Turning up here on Sunday to visit the daughter he has always truly loved - hungover, unshaven, reeking of alcohol and with a love bite on his neck that he was trying to keep hidden. Fell asleep on lounge.

 

I don't blame the OW.....it could have been anyone. My husband is broken and I miss him.

[JaneDoe35]

I am sorry for your pain and sadness. I hope you find some thoughtful responses and can use them to heal some hurt places

 

lfmm

 

 

Thankyou, I want to heal, I truly do. After almost 14 years with my husband.....we loved each other so much. But recently I missed something, a sign maybe??? I wish I could have known that he was leaving me bit by bit.

 

I am still in shock almost 3 months later. I am very scared and so lonely. I do not want my little girl to feel anything like the pain I am feeling. I am trying to find a way to keep our home and her education.

 

He says he still loves me and is completely attracted to me. I feel this from him but it is time to put this to rest. If he does not want to be my partner then he can have no part of me any longer.

 

I did not come to the OW/OM section to blame, just seeking answers/insight...part of this process I guess.

[ladydesigner]

Thankyou, I want to heal, I truly do. After almost 14 years with my husband.....we loved each other so much. But recently I missed something, a sign maybe??? I wish I could have known that he was leaving me bit by bit.

 

I am still in shock almost 3 months later. I am very scared and so lonely. I do not want my little girl to feel anything like the pain I am feeling. I am trying to find a way to keep our home and her education.

 

He says he still loves me and is completely attracted to me. I feel this from him but it is time to put this to rest. If he does not want to be my partner then he can have no part of me any longer.

 

I did not come to the OW/OM section to blame, just seeking answers/insight...part of this process I guess.

Sweetie you sound like a wonderful person, mother, and wife. Your husband has acted like a jerk. To come home drunk like that with love bites makes me sick. I am a BS (betrayed spouse) and was an MOW (married other woman). Both sides of the equation suck because none of us get the man who we truly deserve. Love your children like there is no tomorrow, that is what I do. One day you may not want to be with this man. One day I may not want to be with my husband. I truly believe there are people out there that are FAITHFUL to the PARTNER they adore and love... and even then it really doesn't matter. WHAT MATTERS IS YOU. Take care of yourself and love yourself...the rest will come in time. I hope the best for you. Please do not feel alone, because you are not. There are many of us in pain here, either over betrayal of our husbands or because a MM, MOW, OW, or OM has broken our hearts. It is all a learning lesson. You now know WHO your husband IS. Whether he wants to change is up to him, but you stay strong, keep your head up, and don't look back...move forward...for yourself

 

(((hugs))) to you

Edited November 11, 2009 by ladydesigner

[ladydesigner]

I'm sure you are being honest here and I'm glad you are happy with the choices you have made.

 

Just one thing, don't be so sure you hold so much power. Most BW place blame on their H's. Most BW's on this site sent their cheating H's packing on D-day. Most MM begged forgiveness and the OW became an unfortunate mistake. Now you can tell me all you want that they only stay for the kids, money, etc. But the fact is, these MM choose to stay because it's what they want to do. Chances are you don't hold anything of the BW's at all.

 

Reality is that you are willing to put out for a MM and that is all he needs. Believe me honey if you weren't willing, he would find someone else who was. If that gives you the best high and ego boost in the world, then you have some pretty low standards. But, I'm glad you are on top of the world and being a MM's secret sex kitten makes you happy. It takes all kinds to make the world go round.

 

So so true:laugh:

[JaneDoe35]

Sweetie you sound like a wonderful person, mother, and wife. Your husband has acted like a jerk. To come home drunk like that with love bites makes me sick. I am a BS (betrayed spouse) and was an MOW (married other woman). Both sides of the equation suck because none of us get the man who we truly deserve. Love your children like there is no tomorrow, that is what I do. One day you may not want to be with this man. One day I may not want to be with my husband. I truly believe there are people out there that are FAITHFUL to the PARTNER they adore and love... and even then it really doesn't matter. WHAT MATTERS IS YOU. Take care of yourself and love yourself...the rest will come in time. I hope the best for you. Please do not feel alone, because you are not. There are many of us in pain here, either over betrayal of our husbands or because a MM, MOW, OW, or OW has broken our hearts. It is all a learning lesson. You now know WHO your husband IS. Whether he wants to change is up to him, but you stay strong, keep your head up, and don't look back...move forward...for yourself

 

(((hugs))) to you

 

Your post was lovely ladydesigner, I really appreciate your kind words. I will need to read more about you on your thread/s.

 

I am having a hard time believing in love right now. I hate love. I find it hard to show love to anyone right now. That is crazy because people are showing me love but I have lost something here and find it difficult to respond to my friends, family and even my daughter.......is this normal after being so betrayed?

 

Thanks for the hugs, I know I need them.

[ladydesigner]

Your post was lovely ladydesigner, I really appreciate your kind words. I will need to read more about you on your thread/s.

 

I am having a hard time believing in love right now. I hate love. I find it hard to show love to anyone right now. That is crazy because people are showing me love but I have lost something here and find it difficult to respond to my friends, family and even my daughter.......is this normal after being so betrayed?

 

Thanks for the hugs, I know I need them.

 

Most of what you will read about me is about my own affair. My husband cheated on me years ago and that left me insecure, vulnerable, you name it. I started to become closer with a co-worker of mine and boom ended up in an emotional turned physical affair. I ended up falling in love with my co-worker friend and he broke my heart just like my husband did. My affair was wrong, very wrong, and I pay for it to this day. But as an OW (my XOM had a long-term girlfriend) I can now understand the other side, although it really does not compare in the least to a D-day (discovery of affair day). I understand where you are at, wondering what love truly is... and personally I am not sure anymore. I know I love myself and that is all that matters right now. The love I have for my kids transcends (sp?) anything. There is no love that can even compare to love I have for my kids. One day I believe either my husband will prove to me that he loves me or not. Maybe I will decide I don't love him, who knows. Many of us are in this place of questioning. I do hope things start to get easier for you and for anyone else out there that is hurting.